Because Writing is the Highest Form of Vanity

14 April 2009 Update

2010-04-14T13:26:00.005+08:00

It's been 1 year and 1 month since Kris and Jeimi. When I was still in Ateneo, particularly the last semester I had before I got kicked out, these two were probably my best buddies. Well of course it's quite some time now - we used to hang out at Zen Garden after my English class every M-W-F or after Jeimi's Psych class every T-TH. Now that doesn't seem to be a really distant memory. It looks to me as if it just occurred yesterday or the other day. But then, I'm completely far off from that scene, at least by comparing to where I am now.

And that period in between is like one of the most awesome chapters of my mundane existence. Around a year and a month ago, I may have been in one of my happiest moments as a mortal being and ironically half a month later I got into being depressed since it seemed interesting for a kick out. Fast forward I was able to publish two unedited stories around June and December out of having nothing to do for the first one, and for the second one out of extreme rush of loneliness. As for now though, I can consider myself doing fine after so many months of thinking and thinking.

To keep this update short and before I do shut my mouth up, I realized that after all this time there were mistakes that seem to have gone by me. I couldn't call myself a complete idiot after that since I was emotionally driven to an extent in decision-making processes. I regret having committed a tad too much of stupid things too that could have saved me before my fate uttered "failure." I just want things back to normal, not necessarily what it used to be or how it should be, just any ordinary day more than a year and a month ago. And yes, I'd die for friendship. I know I'm not perfect but I'm trying to show the world that it is.

Introduction

2009-12-17T23:49:00.007+08:00

Well hello again avid followers. Here I have published a short piece of a shit which I'm trying to sell you as a story entitled "Light to a Firefly." I hope it doesn't sound fucking emo because it isn't. And I hope that you'd enjoy this one (certainly you would in postmodern circumstances and context). This is quite short - you can finish this thing in 10 minutes. It contains six insignificant chapters that I hope you'd draw insensible ideologies from.

I didn't intend to publicize bullshit here. I wrote a long story because it is just a series of blogs I cohesively pieced together to form one that would be much more complete and practical rather than doing multiple entries that don't deliver the complete idea I'd want my readers to see. Also, I recommend that you read Story 2: The Devil Lock first before this one because this is logically a sequel, so as you know.

Lastly, I am not a lunatic. Good luck and have fun reading.

List of Chapters:
Chapter 1: Coulrophobia
Chapter 2: Grand Conjuration
Chapter 3: Killing Floor
Chapter 4: Under The Stars
Chapter 5: Immaculate Conception
Chapter 6: Embers

Chapter 6: Embers

2009-12-17T23:00:00.007+08:00

For the past six months I have continually devastated myself with thoughts which never cease in yielding catastrophic results. For example, there are days that I normally consume 3 to 5 packs of cigarettes. Imagine one pack in one sitting. And smoking comes in as more enjoyable when you're drinking. You don't feel the heat and roughness in your throat. Add to that my adjusted alcohol tolerance of 2 beer buckets and still not drunk - that is human development, my dear friends.

In the efforts of minimizing my alcohol intake I tried to save up for microphones but I ended up saving more drinking money for Fridays (since I drink everyday for the previous semester). And when I eventually ran out of immediate cash at hand, chain smoking became my new found buddy buddy. I mean, Marlboro does a good job on making you high with nicotine and at the same time completely puts your voice in chaos after 100 sticks in less than 24 hours.

Well of course, to put my budget in equilibrium, I seldom eat with the excuse that I'm broke of course, but in truth I spend all my money for 3-5 packs of cigarettes each morning and I save up like 60-80 pesos for two bottles of beer during evenings. I don't do drugs though.

Now that my efforts of stopping these habits are futile, I realized that a greater effort I've exerted way beforehand was much more futile - which is trying to stop depression. I realized that doing so is apeshit. You're like a piece of a stinking dog poop right next to a tsunami and the next moment you're fucking converted to rancid gorilla urine. That's how helpless I was. I wouldn't spill the details in here though because it's just gay. Moreover, I'd rather have you, my readers, ask me personally, and perhaps you can treat me with a drink or something. I'm thanking you in advance as you're reading this so while I'm still alive you better give me that cigarette stick and beer bottle. We may not be enjoying the same scene tomorrow.

And whenever we're in that classic scene of smoking and drinking on some corner of a resto or bar, I'd tell you all the wonderful memories I've had with a very special person to me, because honestly, I so miss all of those. What was hard for me was when I saw that very relationship I worked hard for and invested so much time into falter in front of my very eyes, of which I didn't have any fucking idea WHY, leaving me nothing but hopelessness. I mean, I can't do anything about it while it's crashing down into a million pieces and all the happiness it contained dissipated into nothingness.

Of course I picked up every single piece with my broken hands wondering where have I gone wrong, yet some parts were missing, or there were some regions of that relationship that I couldn't put back into place. Also, that relationship may not be working for me but I don't really care. I just want it back to the state when I was still cherishing it: nothing more, nothing less. That's all that I've asked from God.

God.

HAHA. March 25, 2009. I told Him that I wasn't loving somebody for the sake of having a partner, or more temporally to fulfill my own satisfaction which is selfish happiness. I told Him that I loved somebody for that someone's happiness which I hope I was able to attain even just for the slightest time. Despite being gay, I lived to this principle up until now. I content myself with simple joys. Nothing comes greater than that but her happiness.

I live like this every single day ever since the grand conjuration. I am still haunted by the question "What did I do for everything to end up this way?" like a fucking son of a clown. I see no way out that's why I'm proclaiming such helplessness here in virtual reality while escaping my reality in the process. I'd appreciate it if you don't concern yourself with me 'cause I'm just fine, still breathing, still existing - so no worries for that. I'll keep my worrying to myself and I'd like it to be that way. Mind you, I'd rather have you guys take the chill life. I have my cig and my alcohol to spend my time with anyway and that is more than enough to entertain me for the rest of my days aside from writing. My silent days in Kalayaan College are quite over because my happiness has been distorted to something indecipherable.

And you know what, I found the most sensible thing on earth a while ago.

I'd start shutting up.

-----

Good bye and Merry Christmas, Bianca.

-----
[END]

Chapter 5: Immaculate Conception

2009-12-08T22:00:00.010+08:00

December 8, 2009.

I skipped every first half of my classes because my teacher doesn't seem to amuse me like she did the previous semester - the points she raise throughout every session were recurring. I did nothing more than light cigs and play pusoy dos every single time I'm out of the classroom and I think this'll probably explain why my eating habits are fucking weird.

Around 3 pm, I was torn between going home or going to my second home. Katipunan, that is. When I boarded the train I chose the latter option and in 20 minutes time I found myself walking on that very familiar path. I went straight to Ateneo to hang out at the aMp bench, which I always do everytime I'm at the campus, and found Brian, Daniel, Joe and Nica. I had to sit with them since I decided to have dinner with Ian and I had nothing else to do. Playing at Him5 doesn't seem to be a very good option for a broke man.

At 5:30 pm, with Joe and Nica headed home, Brian and Daniel wanted to eat already and they specifically chose my all-time favorite food chain McDonald's. I kept them company and we walked all the way to McDo. Seeing the closest table to the entrance vacant, the two immediately took the seats and went to the counter for food while I finished my second pack for the day. Mind you, I'm trying to kill my addiction.

When we were all seated, the two scumbags were smiling at me in a very irritating way. I asked,

"What's up?"

":)"

"Putangina ano nga?" (Motherbitch what's up)

"Why is life so randooom?" Daniel told me, with Brian following up with the same words in a sort of a hum,

"Liiife is sooo randooom..."

I so wanted to fuck the shit out of these idiots until they told me Bianca was around. I asked again,

"No, seriously?"

"YES."

GG. I panicked of course. I didn't know what to do. Should I display myself sitting in the most obvious seat there and say hello to her? Or should I run with my balls away? Or should I pretend to be asleep with my eyes open? There were literally a million questions rushing through my head that I spent more than 20 minutes thinking of senseless things until I saw Bianca from a distance. At first I was speechless - and then stupefied - and then knocked out. She instantly recognized me and smiled, and then waved a hello at me.

I have never seen that smile for the longest time. I mean, the last time I saw her she never displayed that epic thing on her face. And now she did! But of course, after all the troubles that happened within the past months of which I kept most only to myself, I couldn't display a proper reaction. I tried to smile. I hope I did looked like smiling as she passed by. As she went to her car though, I told the two rancid monkeys in front of me that I have to leave for Slice 'N Dice in a short while.

Well I did in a few seconds basically because - here comes the best gay part of the story - I was manufacturing gay tears. I was walking away with a cigarette stick in my lips trying to gain composure especially in a public place. I succeeded just before I met up with Ian a short walk from McDo.

I had dinner with the guy. And since I haven't told him anything about my life since June, I updated him with utmost detail which sort of made me happy because I didn't know I was capable of spilling out happy events that happened in the previous quarter of the year. After that we went home; well, he drove me home because we were neighbors.

Bianca just conceived a wonderful smile which confused me: are we in good terms again/already? What did her smile mean? Or furthermore, are things back to the way they were?

The only immaculate thing from all this confusion is nothing.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 4: Under The Stars

2009-12-04T23:14:00.007+08:00

I made this chapter the same day after I came home from Katipunan. There was this event there called "Under the Stars." But because I was unable to meet with friends due to unexplainable circumstances (including waiting for Brian for more than an hour and he still didn't show up), I went to McDonald's instead and had dinner alone. And as I was finishing up my cheeseburger, I remembered this incident about a year ago.

It was Under the Stars 2008. I didn't have any goddamn idea that there was such happening in school (when I was still in the Ateneo) until Ian, a friend and a neighbor, told me through a text message that Bianca was there.

"Dude, do you know about Under the Stars?"

"Wtf is that?" I asnwered, thinking it was some chick flick film or a gay-ass book.

"It's this event at the SOM field and it's happening NOW."

"So?"

"Bianca's there."

I was shocked of course because I didn't have any single idea that an event was happening at school and I was at home playing my all-time favorite DotA. That's stalking fail number 1. I immediately replied and asked Ian what Under the Stars was all about. Well, he didn't explain much.

"Uhhh you star gaze I think? With a date..."

"Who is she with?!"

"She won't tell."

"CONVINCE, DUDE."

"Nah, good luck with that."

"Come on man. We're friends. Besides, I thought you were my wingman?"

"It isn't a big deal, really. Relax. And good luck!"

Damn Ian. I lost my DotA game, and more than that, I lost another opportunity. You know, I can't miss chances like these. But I couldn't do anything anyway at that time so I just played more games all throughout the night so as to take my mind off things.

And back to the present, as I was finishing up my hot fudge sundae, I kept on missing her every second. Perhaps I even looked like a little idiot at McDo, sitting with nobody but my classical guitar my dad gave me three years ago. Of course I'll be suffering the same ordeal for the whole evening so I decided to go home immediately. I took a cab just outside and as I was on the road home, I remembered the night of the 30th of January - I was on the very same scene, looking at the sky which almost seemed starless, hoping that Bianca was enjoying the same perspective.

Optimism aside, everything else is bullshit. Life in general is. May we be under the stars, the deep black sky, the rain, the rays of the sun, the hands of fate, the eyes of the gods, or whatever - we suffer. We are powerless against ourselves and our own fate.

Under the stars is not the best place to be; 6 feet under is the best way out, with much sarcasm.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 3: Killing Floor

2009-11-21T00:29:00.010+08:00

It was just the second week of classes when Kris texted me on a Monday noon if I was free for the rest of the day. I replied that I was just bumming around since I had nothing to do. That's when he told me to go to Katipunan and meet up with him. He wanted to play this little game he tried the previous week.

June 22, 2009. 2:20 pm.

I opened the door of Him5 Webtown, the internet cafe I've always been at ever since I migrated from Blueskies, and found Kris sitting on a seat somewhere in a bunch of rows of desktop computers. The moment he saw me, he immediately pointed his finger to the monitor in front of him, signaling me to look on what he's playing.

Zed time.

In the game and in the real life as well. So you may be wondering what this zed time is. Basically it triggers once the player was able to execute a head shot to an enemy. The more head shots in a streak, the longer the zed time is. The maximum is about 3 consecutive shots and the game play is back to normal speed rather than the ultra-slow motion ultra-awesome ultra-gruesome enemy-slaying scene.

I was pretty much interested in trying Killing Floor so I took a seat right next to Kris and started a multiplayer game mode.

READ THIS.

What makes Killing Floor a big deal then? I've been playing KF the whole of June and July every single day except Sundays (because it's a family day and Him5 is closed in this day of the week). Why the addiction? Now that's a better question. Everytime I play this game I sort of get myself very much immersed into a parallel void which devoids me of the thought that I am in a different world. I forget all my problems and frustrations which hinders me from depression.

It is this extreme - the moment I've spent all my money and walk out of Him5, I literally go...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"

Because all the slings and arrows of my outrageous fortune comes back at me in an instant. And I walk home in a very slow manner, with my head looking down, with my feet taking small steps, with my mind thinking of course of Bianca. It's because we haven't been talking lately and I rarely see her online. She wouldn't respond to some text messages. I can't even spot her around Ateneo. Simply put, I missed her to the point that I go home with a very uneasy feeling and to the point that I couldn't sleep every single night even if my limbs have been exhausted with a day's trip and with my eyes tired to the hours spent playing Killing Floor.

Ah yes, Killing Floor. What do I really kill in the floor of this game? During that time? During that part of the day?

Reality.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 2: Grand Conjuration

2009-11-11T22:08:00.009+08:00

Thursday. August 27, 2009. 4:20 pm.

9 days have passed since I saw myself as a clown. I was with Rups, Arlo and Randell on the same train - LRT Line 2 - on our way to Katipunan, the second to the last station with Santolan being the last. I am schoolmates with these guys and we hang out every single break time. And now I tugged them along since I have been planning something intense for that afternoon, or perhaps, the early hours of the evening. They agreed to be with me anyway.

The first Katipunan stop we headed to was Ministop because I wanted to buy a bag of Cheetos Flaming Hot or Cheetos Crunchy Cheddar for Bianca. The last time we saw each other was June 16 and it has been two months since I have been missing someone essential to my existence. I know she liked Cheetos and I'd like to give her one as a surprise since I was broke that time and had nothing up my sleeves other than 150 bucks since mum didn't give me any allowance that day. Unfortunately, Ministop ran out of supplies and so we headed to 7-11 on foot.

The convenience store was equally out of stock of my favorite Cheetos so I just decided to purchase a can of Pringles Cheddar Cheese. It was 5:00 pm when we were walking along the footbridge near the Gate 2.5 of Ateneo. We were to go to the Case Study Room (CSR) at the ground floor of the Social Sciences Building to wait for Bianca's dismissal. We easily breezed through the security with the excuse that we were to attend some sort of a seminar or a communication class at the CSR. Now that's a good lie.

It was roughly 5:15 pm when we took a bleacher a good distance in front of the SocSci building because I am playing safe, or rather, I don't want Bianca or anyone for that matter to know that I am around. Rups and I just kept on looking to check if someone familiar or Bianca would happen to see us because there were people going in and out of the CSR, and there were people too having class-related group discussions just outside the room. I even asked Rups to patrol the surrounding area just to be safe, with the excuse that whenever he is caught roaming around by Bianca or a friend of hers, he'd just make up an excuse that he was there to meet up with someone else.

While Rups was doing his job, I was planning my speech together with Arlo and Randell - knowing what to say, the chronology, the tone, overall delivery and everything else as if I was in a communication class too. The two didn't really prepare something grand for me other than the all-glorious tip that always works: be composed and honest, even if spontaneous. But still, my mind was crowded with little thoughts here and there. I wanted to say some things yet I felt like I shouldn't say them. It was seriously confusing for me to think of what to say considering that Bianca's going home once she is dismissed and that I wouldn't have the time to say what I really want to say completely.

Rups returned to our bleacher in around 5 minutes and briefed me. He didn't know for sure if the people outside the CSR belonged to Bianca's class. The good thing is that he didn't see some acquaintance around else we would've blown our cover. Now all we had to do was wait for 5:50 pm to strike and that's when we come in.

Well, around 5:30 pm the people just outside the CSR moved out to where I don't know or I don't remember. That's when the four of us moved in to the optimal spot of ambushing Bianca once she gets out of the room. Seating on a spot near the door made me very nervous. Every single door creak makes my heart skip a beat that I was even sweating due to extreme stress. I felt that I wasn't prepared for this and at the back of my mind I even considered backing out - but it's already there and what I'm practically left to do is to go up to her and just talk.

At last the bell rung and I immediately went to my position - there's this glass divider that covers the entrance of the restroom just beside the CSR. I stood near there so that I can watch every single face that walks out of the room. Rups stood near the door of the CSR, waiting for Bianca to show up.

I checked my phone because it vibrated and I read mum's message on why I still wasn't home when I was supposed to be. But before I could finish reading the SMS, I heard Rups call out in an excited tone.

"Ui Bianca! Hahah!" in his classic laugh.

"Hey Rups! What are you doing here?" Bianca responded lively. That's when I looked at her and saw her smile yet again. I've been missing that view since the 16th of June and now I have it. And it's gorgeous. As I slipped my phone into my pocket and coughed so as to prepare for my little hello, Rups answered back to her.

"We're here to visit you. Mike's with me!" Rups told in a really big smile which made me smile too. He then pointed at my direction.

Bianca just passed in front of me without any eye contact. She went straight to the restroom instead. I knew something went really wrong - something must have been conjured so fast that quelled her smile as quickly as it came. Of course everybody's faces were like "dude wtf" but then I have to keep my composure indeed in order to execute my grand conjuration - a line I've been planning to say so as to clear all the mess up. I'm not really into explaining that mess though.

5 more minutes, as I was holding my ground right beside the glass divider a few feet perpendicular from the corridor of the restroom, Bianca emerged from the entrance and then slowly looked at me. And every single time I remember the look of that face and those once happy beautiful eyes, I shed a fucking tear. It's gay but I have no means of stopping it. The expression she had was indescribable that I kept asking myself if it was anger, or hatred, or confusion, or sadness, or whatever. It just struck me right on the spot that I didn't know how to react. Before she could pass me again though, I started.

"Bianca, I want to talk you."

She answered in a nod, but she didn't look up. Nor did she look at me. I continued.

"Are you going home?"

"Yes."

"Ah I see. Are you going to your car? If then, I'm going to walk with you."

"I'm fine."

"I just want to talk to you."

What lacked was the word 'please.' Step 1 of the composure speech thingy was already incomplete but the whole process has begun. She started walking towards Xavier hall. I didn't know what to say already and I forgot the goddamn chronology of the speech I planned for days. I literally crammed words into my mouth that I myself, at that moment, didn't know if I was making sense. I just kept my talk going. Yes - my talk that is because she was silent.

Fast forward, I was just in front of her car door in the parking lot right across Xavier after a conversation and she started her car's engine. We bid each other good bye and she closed her door. That was it for me. The day was already over. I pulled my bangs down, put my cap on, and cried. In silence, that is. Pure trails of tears poured from my eyes that I couldn't even look up. My efforts of stopping such have been of no use. So instead, I placed both of my hands behind my head with my right palm still holding the can of Pringles she declined from me and I was just looking down while walking my way back to the three who were waiting for me just outside the CSR. True enough, I failed my grand conjuration. Bianca delivered something much more powerful - a more extreme truth than what I had to say. Apparently fate has conjured something grand for me. I was a clown enough to even dare conjure something grand for it.

When I was almost at the SocSci building, a familiar voice pulled my senses from oblivion.

"Hey who's this handsome guy walking up to me?" said Anton Mozo, while raising his right hand for a high five. I gave him a full five fingers. But then, he interrupted his own talk when he saw the look on my face.

"Dude what happened?!" he asked. Not feeling in the mood to talk much, I summarized what happened throughout the day and I told him I'll tell the whole story some other time. I just invited him to play Killing Floor™ the next week. I followed up that I had to go.

I met with Rups, Randell and Arlo once I reached a bleacher they have invaded when I was gone. I told them what just happened, particularly when I blew up my speech that I was at a loss of what to say. Disaster indeed. I handed the can of Pringles to Rups and we ate. In a little while though, Rups and Randell had to leave. Arlo remained a little longer since he said he will be company.

As we walked out of the Ateneo, I was just lost, completely lost, as if I didn't have a soul - as if I was a true clown. I didn't know what to do for the rest of the day and the days after. When Arlo parted ways, I just walked in circles around Katipunan wondering what to do. Should I buy a bottle of water? Or a palm-full of candies? Or a pack of cigarettes? But then I remembered I was broke. After mindless walking, I went home. I skipped dinner. I was in my room crying like a lost little gay clown.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 1: Coulrophobia

2009-11-05T23:12:00.012+08:00

Curly, fancy hair in various colors and volume; big, round, red nose; thick, weird lips; white face; irritating laugh; mime-like gestures and a stupid derogatory outfit - a clown.

The world has had too much of clowns. They are about 95% of the world's human population and their numbers have exponentially increased in time since the birth of intellect. Imagine the shit out of that and the next thing you know you're already a fucking clown yourself. As much as you'd want to be not one of them, you're fortunately born to be one. You're not born free; you're born clown. It is your destiny, if ever you believed that shit.

You. Destined to be a clown some day, oh yes. How very interesting for a human being to turn into rancid cock sauce don't you think? Well, do clowns really believe in destiny?

For one thing, clowns appear to be good-for-nothing idiots who are brave, or rather intellectual enough to kindly dehumanize themselves in order to bring about entertainment to our hearts. Have you ever imagined though the souls within those clowns? Do they really have souls? Do they have their religions, or furthermore do they believe in a god or their gods? What is inside a clown's idiotic brain? What do clowns feel? Do clowns eat? Do they shit? Where do clowns live? Do they really belong in Disneyland? Don't they have any other form of transportation aside from gay pink unicycles? Do clowns have genders? Do they get to have some sex? Do they watch porn? Is there such a thing as clown porn? Well, yes to the last one, not that I've already seen one. I just think that there are clown fetishes.

You see, there are so many unanswerable questions clowns give you. And these questions are endless - one will lead to another and give birth to another and another and so on until they clown the fuck your wits off. It makes your complete rational thinking a bizarre circus. Well then, clowns tick you. In short, no matter what they do, pulling out a balloon and blowing it up into a fucking Barney or something, they fail. Come to think of it, clowns never did entertain you since childhood, as if having fun of them never seemed enough.

Clowns do piss you off. If you enjoyed being with a clown you should have some sort of a brain ailment. If you enjoyed being a clown however, you must have swallowed a whole dildo when you were young. But don't worry, almost everyone IS a clown. Almost.

That makes me sad. Whenever I am alone, sitting on a bench somewhere in this forsaken land, I see a clown pass in front of me wheeling a gay pink unicycle with balloons and is being chased by another clown blowing a dozen trumpets at once and they seem to be having fun. On the same bench I'm with a clown playing solitaire where all the cards of his deck are Jacks of Hearts and he has been doing a magic trick where all of the Jacks looked like they were jacking off. From afar a clown is flying paper planes that explode in mid-air into bits and pieces that scatter lots of candies for so many little clowns to gather. And when they are picking up what they can, a fucking blimp with a clown's face on it crashes down to them and poof - a circus appears, just like every other building in this goddamn city except for the McDonald's branches nationwide.

Clowns are here, clowns are there, clowns are everywhere. I've only seen so few of us who are normal, normal in a sense that we still don't feel like clowning around just like everyone else does. As the clown right beside me pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, I stood up and walked away. I saw the clown ignite it and poof - a fucking tiny clown as big as the lighter appeared flying just in front of me like a fly. In it's tiny voice it tried to sing something like:

"YOU sir are a clown."

"I know," the bigger clown responded.

Poof. The little asshole disappeared. I pulled out my own pack of cigarettes and got my fingers a stick, lit a small flame, took a puff and walked away - no clown. I don't really get the randomness of these clowns.

The world is now a fucking circus. It isn't real anymore. It makes me ask myself why almost everyone turned into clowns. I hate this world now for every single tree in every single block is pink or blue or violet in color. Every single car is a jack-in-a-box with wheels. Every pedestrian sells balloons for a living. Everyone seems to have juggling balls as a hobby. Every sound you hear is either a poof or a toink or some circus tune. There's a parade of clowns here and there. There is no government. There is no anarchy. There is no chaos. There is just an enormous circus with running elephants chased by a mob of idiotic clowns in various outfits.

The happier thing is that some people are not really clowns but they do strive hard to be clowns. Some fully-grown clowns do not want to be fully-grown clowns. Some clowns deserve to die.

I took the train on my way home. Almost everyone left in the second to the last station in the train's route. I was alone on my bench and right across me is a window. The longer I stared at it, the more I could make out my reflection. And as I was staring blankly ahead I realized that my hair is something frizzy, shooting up like an afro, and every single strand is orange. In shock, I looked down to see my shoes gone and I'm in a big red fancy footwear with no goddamn brand. My chucks are nowhere in sight. My palms are turning thick white in color. My bag is turning into a bunch of tied balloons. My jeans are turning into pajamas with polka dots and stripes. And before I realized it, the train stopped at the last station and the doors opened. I hurriedly left my seat and pulled my phone from my pocket to inform any normal friend that I am turning to some sort of a fucking clown.

Poof. My cellular phone is now a fucking jack-in-a-box and it pointed at me, laughing. I can feel the thick make up on my face. I ran into the nearest window in the station to see my reflection. I am now...

A fucking shit...

Of a clown.

With balloons tied on my right wrist, I slowly descended the stairs towards the exit. I don't know what to feel but an epiphany - my fears have become phobias - and when I passed right through the fucking exit, I realized I was laughing, laughing so hard like a true clown. Yes, the irritating one. I seemed to envy every clown around me playing with cards and juggling balls and blowing fire while riding cute little unicycles or flying up the sky with a hundred balloons tied on the neck.

My greatest fear is myself.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Introduction

2009-06-17T19:35:00.005+08:00

Greetings, mortal.

You are to be an entertained reader. You're linked to this site because you clicked on my blog at Multiply. This whole blog is actually a chronicle of a fraction of my life, which I don't expect you to really care about, from November 2008 to June 2009. Quite some time, huh?

For those interested about the Mike-Bianca story or my epic Ateneo kickout story appropriately called as 'honorable dismissal,' this is the site for you.

If you feel that I've been missing you with stories and that I haven't filled you yet with updates or whatever of the same shit, this is the site for you.

Go and read ahead, else kindly close this window and go get some sex. Kidding. You can use this page to link yourself to all the chapters or you can use the navigational pane at the right. There's also a link to the next chapter at the end of every chapter so you'd definitely not get lost.

This is a good 1-2 hour read.

I hope you'd enjoy!

List of Chapters:
Chapter 1: Registered
Chapter 2: November Rain
Chapter 3: The Real Deal
Chapter 4: Jingle Bells
Chapter 5: Volta
Chapter 6: Denouement Of Intricacies
Chapter 7: Seventh Heaven
Chapter 8: Zen Garden
Chapter 9: Cloud Nine
Chapter 10: Sandman Saturdays
Chapter 11: Sidewalks
Chapter 12: Moment Of Truth
Chapter 13: Rejected
Chapter 14: Accepted
Chapter 15: Mathematics 69 And 0
Chapter 16: Labyrinth
Chapter 17: Chicken Hainanese
Chapter 18: Coincidental Rendezvous
Chapter 19: A Dejected Argument
Chapter 20: Fate/Stay Night
Chapter 21: Genesis
Chapter 22: The Devil Lock
Chapter 23: Rebirth

Chapter 23: Rebirth

2009-06-17T19:19:00.003+08:00

June 16, 2009.

Around 9:10 am Bianca and I were exchanging calls checking to see where to look out for each other. She just finished her first class for her first day of classes and I was still on my way to Ateneo with her over-delayed birthday gift.

"Mike, where are you? I'm already here at Gonzaga, right in front of the chapel," she phoned me since I dropped the previous call because of the choppy connection.

"I'm almost there!" I answered quickly since Gonzaga hall was already in sight from my dad's car.

In a minute I opened The Isuzu Alterra's door, stepped down, waved at Bianca and signaled her to wait for a moment, and then brought out my backpack and the gift bag I wished to give to her. And in no time I was already standing right in front of her, smiling. And as I've said before, I don't smile. Bianca's just an exception.

The moment we looked eye to eye, she said,

"What happened to your hair!?"

"It grew. I still couldn't decide with Kris if it should be a devil lock or a totally long hair. Anyway..." I continued while reaching out the Blue Magic gift bag to her, "Here, happy birthday!"

"Haha it's late, But still, thanks!"

The moment I saw her smile, I couldn't help myself but have my eyes closed and bite my lip and look at the sky and praise the Lord Alleluia. As usual I'm over-describing things. I couldn't express my happiness by any means but to smile and look at Bianca satisfied.

She then introduced me to her friend, Bea (who Danya used as a threat to me whenever I bully her), who was with her as a witness to my GG epic win. Our talk was not that long since Bianca told me they were going to hang out and things seemed that I don't have any more business to do with them so I left in a short while. I went to the AMP bench to meet up with some Ateneo friends.

Bianca was very beautiful at that time, way more beautiful than before.

Bad news: I didn't get to look at Bianca very well because my fucking hair was in the way. So fuck my hair. Other than that, we're cool.

You see, the devil lock has locked my sight from Bianca. Not just literally of course, but in a figurative way too - just as what I described the chapter before. I am a pessimist. I'd never win her heart. No, put it this way. I'm just trying to be real. She is definitely out of my league and she'll always be.

I bought a can of coke at the cafeteria, as I always do every single school day, and then went straight to the AMP bench. As soon as I arrived, Kris, Brian and Ralph Aguinaldo were already there. I had a good talk with the guys which was interrupted when Bianca passed by and had a little chat with someone at the bench before leaving, consequently leaving me stunned in the process.

She waved at me though and she was smiling. I love that girl.

Oh and by the way, I've requested Anton Magno to watch over her and keep her safe when I'm gone. Dude, if ever you read this, stick that to your mind. Haha. I'm trusting you Anton.

At around 10:00 am Brian and I went with Kris to Gonzaga hall (the spot where I handed Bianca the gift bag) to accomplish a mission - intercepting Jeimi to say a little 'hi.' We failed though - Brian had classes, Jeimi didn't seem to pass by our spot, and I had to leave for McDonald's because Rups and Chantal have been looking for me.

After a Crispy Chicken Sandwich and a Coke Zero merienda, Rups and I went to Kalayaan College and we were late for our first class by 15 minutes.

Wait, what? Kalayaan College? Oh yes. The 1st of June, mom asked me to withdraw my application at FEU because she considered it to be too far from home even though I had a merit scholarship opportunity. I followed her order although it got me a little pissed because I had to do the whole application processing shit all over again right from the very beginning, and this time it was way more stressing.

I shifted to Kalayaan College knowing that there were many fellow Ateneans over there and I thought of joining the bandwagon. The school was actually pretty decent and I'd say I'd be enjoying my stay there for quite some time. And yes, maybe I could start my new life.

I should start my Renaissance.

It already began the moment I saw Bianca.

I had my lunch break at Ateneo as well since Kalayaan College was only one train ride away, and that we don't have a goddamn cafeteria there. Besides, I might chance to see Bianca around, but no. I just enjoyed my Chicken Hainanese with Rups and Brian at SEC walk.

When Rups and I left Ateneo we happened to see Jeimi walking up the stairs of the foot bridge right in front of Ateneo Gate 2.5. We were to descend the opposite flight of stairs but the moment I saw her I stopped on my tracks. When Jeimi looked up to see who was standing by, she smiled. It was a really lucky coincidence since Rups and I were to leave Katipunan and we just chanced to see Jeimi walking out of National Book Store. We only had a short chat since Rups and I had to go immediately.

We were late again; this time for the second class. When we were dismissed I received a text message from Bianca and she was asking if I was still in Ateneo. It was 4:00 pm and I replied,

"On my way."

She said she just wanted to thank me. As much as I'd like to go see her, I couldn't because she had to go to her last class for the day which started around 4:30 pm. I just went home instead. I texted her around 6 pm asking how her day went but I received no reply.

June 17, 2009. 12:20 am. I texted her a good night message and I told her I hoped she liked the gift I gave her. She replied around 12:47. I was in bed when I was reading the text message and I was holding my Sun mobile phone with my right hand and positioned it in front of my face.

"Yeah. It's sweet of you to even drop it at school. :-)"

After I read the message, I flipped my phone closed and left the keypad locked, placed it by my head pillow beside my Globe phone, and went to sleep.

I woke up at 7:00 am because my class will start at 10:00 am. When we were dismissed, Rups and I went to Katipunan. Rups was to go to UP and meet up with Chantal and I was to go to Ateneo and hangout with Kris since I had nothing to do. Instead of going to Ateneo though, I saw my block mates at McDonald's so I opted to sit down with them and have lunch. Just before they left for their respective classes, Marco and Ken sat with me.

All in all it was a good day. I'm going to miss Ateneo. I'm going to miss Katipunan.

I once wished I'd experience failure. I was an excellent student back in grade school but I was inspired by my high school classmates to sit back a little bit and just relax. They introduced me to the truth that everything is going to be just fine. But, as an adventure, I exceeded what most wouldn't dare - failing. And now that I've experienced it I'm in no state to regret everything I've done that caused this fall.

Failure is a success in itself. Failure defines success. Without failure, there is no success in this world. And proving that reality to myself is one step ahead to the real world. This in turn has already banished the devil lock from my mind, or rather, it has unlocked the devil within me. Sounds confusing, eh?

Perhaps I should get a haircut soon.

I am a pessimist. I'd never win Bianca's heart. No, put it this way and try to be real - she is out of my fucking league - but it doesn't matter now. All I care about is making sure that she is infinitely...

Loved.

-----
[END]

Chapter 22: The Devil Lock

2009-06-11T18:48:00.005+08:00

Let me clear some things first before continuing. I know you've been pretty much confused by how things have been going inside my mind.

1.) There was never an 'us.'
2.) We're just friends. I just treat her extra special.
3.) I stress on very common and normal things, making them look special too.
4.) Shit happens.
5.) I was divided among choices - of pursuing her or not, or whatever.

I wasn't able to make the choice from the very beginning and so the choice made me. That doesn't make me any better than a fool making a fool of himself thinking that doing so is not foolish at all. Does that make us all fools choosing over foolish choices? Would we fool the beginning by choosing the end? Or would we rather have the beginning and the end as one? Making fools and choices as one too in the process?

You see, the world revolves in beginnings and ends formed by fools and choices. The sequence of such phenomenon does not digress a single bit from this linear occurrence - everything begins and ends - which is an inevitably irreversible natural process that is further subrogated by a cycle where 1.) the fool, who is a fool in the first place, makes a choice that does not change anything, or 2.) the choice makes the fool a true fool which does not change anything too, rendering the whole cycle foolishness.

This happens, always.

Optimists tell you that this is complete bullshit. To tell you the truth, optimists are actually the epitome of the word 'bullshit.'

Put it this way. Have a male optimist and a male pessimist sit on a bench in a park or something and let a really hot dream girl they've been thinking of pass in front of them together with her boyfriend and then compare side by side what the two would be saying.

Pessimist: That girl is hot, man. Damn she has a boyfriend already. Oh well.

Optimist: That girl is hot man, Damn she has a boyfriend already. But because I am an optimist as opposed to the sucker right beside me I'd prefer to think that she and I are going to be one someday.

Kindly analyze the fucking difference.

When you plainly read those, it can be directly concluded that the pessimist, as his title suggests, was thinking highly negative by blurting out a totally hopeless statement. That is why I'd like to call them the 'fucked ones.' On the other hand, the optimist belong to what we technically call the 'fuckers.' Why is that?

The pessimist satisfies himself with the reality that he'd have no chance on the dream girl. He contents himself with that. That's just fine if we let him be a certified sucker as he is. But the optimist, I mean the fucker, is thinking highly negative and conjuring it as something positive. Here is a possibility: he is subconsciously wishing, or hoping for that matter (well he may just be putting it that way when he is completely aware of what he is wishing for and its consequences), that the hot dream girl would break up with her boyfriend someday. That's when he gets his chance. That is what we call 'evil' ladies and gentlemen.

So actually, the certified sucker is much better compared to this fucker optimist that's a branded asshole since birth.

Oh shit. I got you there twit. Think positive, huh? Well, think again. Here's something for the fuckers out there: think before you think positive, fucker.

My friend, Elena, who I constantly bullied ever since I've known her, once said,

"Pessimists are what ruin the world."

Well, the real fuckers ruin the world. The pessimists are just fools left with no choices because they chose to do so. The optimists are left with choices however but they opt to make a fool of themselves simply because they wanted to but would never admit it. Fucking gay shit if you ask me.

In summary, the pessimists are worthless creatures that make this planet stink as it is while the optimists are the worst stench that make this planet stink even more. That makes them all fuckers which consequently dooms them to be the fucked ones in the end. These optimists and pessimists are good-for-nothing mortals that passionately fuck themselves with hopes and dreams. They have something in common though. They do suffer the same fate; it's just that they choose the form of their suffering - the pessimist proving himself to be a certified sucker, and the optimist a fucker... To himself.

The world is ruined from the very beginning and it won't be foolish to choose to end it, or rather, by choosing to end the ruin of this world you begin your own foolishness thereby ruining your own world yielding no actual difference. Effort is futile indeed.

The whole of humankind is cursed from the very beginning, dreaded by themselves and doomed upon themselves. This is what I'd like to call,

'The Devil Lock.'

Of course I'm kidding. If you actually believed that shit you're really fucked, man. It is quite evident that the whole argument above is actually one-sided. And that is what the close-minded seal themselves with - they propose a biased duality as a truth and that nothing is ever going out of that box forever. The true truth however is that there is no box.

Everything goes.

The point is, up until now I've just been arguing with myself. I just miss Bianca.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 21: Genesis

2009-05-25T21:27:00.026+08:00

Exactly 2 months before the exact time this chapter was published, I was at Yellow Cab, Eastwood City, Libis, having my moment of truth (kindly refer to Chapter 12).

I was dumped of course.

The time I was writing this blog, I was also phoning her but the service was temporarily unavailable. I was to call her just this afternoon but it seemed that her phone was unattended. Up until now my efforts were in vain.

And as I was thinking of the whole vacation and how to summarize it into one chapter, she phoned me. 11:00 pm. It was a talk I should cherish all my fucking life.

"Hi. Hello," I answered.

"Hello Mike."

"I was phoning you a while ago but it seemed you weren't with your phone or something."

"Well yeah. I was out."

Over an hour of chatting and my stomach called for food. I learned that Bianca just arrived home when she called me and that she still haven't changed clothes. So I gave her the time of doing so while I sneaked into the kitchen to grab a pack of Cheetos and a bowl of Kellogs to munch on.

We didn't call each other back and instead we sufficed ourselves with consistent exchange of text messages. Blown away by my happiness, I wasn't able to formulate a flow for this chapter as soon as possible so I had to delay publishing this chapter.

Looking back, the whole vacation was a mere bumming spree since I had nothing to do because I was sentenced with house arrest. Add to that the condition that I cannot use the computer for long periods of time, thus limiting the sources of indoor happiness, and that I cannot tune to the television the whole day unlike before. I could only go out if I had errands (e.g. applying for transfer credentials, acquiring my transcript of records, blah blah).

I did not get my ass into UP. As expected, I wasn't able to meet the minimum requirement for transferees so I had to immediately pull out my papers from them and find another school to apply to. Too bad I could not get into Philosophy - the course I wanted to be in to ever since first year. With the aid of Japs I had myself walking into the gates of the Far Eastern University as a transferee student.

It was a Wednesday, the 6th of May, and I was with Jap and Brian (I introduced the two). Jap had to do some stuff and in that process he could kind of assist me in applying at FEU. Brian was there primarily to hangout with me and join me in this little escapade since he had nothing to do.

May 8, 2009. 9:00 am. I was already sitting at room 307 of the Nursing Building at FEU having my entrance examination. Of course I didn't prepare. The questions were similar to a Facebook quiz and I finished in an hour and a half. I then went to Ateneo to get my official transcript of records that I should be submitting to FEU because I was quite sure I'm going to pass the entrance.

Indeed. I was accepted and I could apply for merit scholarship because I got a good 97% in the entrance exam. I was in for AB Literature. So everything was quite according to plan and I cheered up my parents' spirits with my latest accomplishment in life. Let's see what they're going to do with my scholarship then.

Happiness and glory aside, things were quite pains in the ass. Everything was such a hassle that I needed to bounce back and forth from Ateneo to UP and to FEU for several times to fix my papers and run into transactions. I had my application at UP finally cleared when I acquired back all my documents and submitted them straight to FEU - and it didn't end there - FEU wanted more than what UP required for applications so I had to go back to Ateneo to apply all over again for those fucking papers.

The evening of May 17, 2009 I decided to write something for Bianca. It's a short poem which can be found here. I'd like you to closely watch out for the details so as to unlock its secrets.

May 21, 2009. 2:20 pm.

"Hi mike! What's up?" Bianca messaged me at Yahoo! Messenger.

"Hi. Sorry for the late reply. I was making coffee downstairs." I haven't talked to her lately. I continued, "Uhhh what's up? Nothing much."

"How are you?" she asked.

"No, how are you?" I could not remember why I was in a bad mood back then.

"Answer my question first."

"Ladies first."

The argument kept on going in circles and I admit I sounded rude and sarcastic all throughout.

"I'm okay," she gave in, "But I think you're not in the mood to talk."

"As long as you're okay, I'm good. And oh, I'm always in the mood to talk."

"I'm sorry," she responded.

"Why?"

"Just wanted to know how you are."

Ok so I was in semi-asshole mode and I successfully ticked her off, ticking myself too in the process. It was fucking stupid of me.

And oh yes, for the last of the updates regarding the whole vacation - it is being on the phone with her the evening of May 25, 2009. Martin even told me that the 2-month fail-sary (as I'd like to put it) is not worth commemorating. I guess so, yes, but still it didn't break me - it made me instead, into another person. And as I've even said before, nothing's going to make me love her any less than today, or tomorrow, or the days after.

And here I am writing another Genesis of my life.

-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 20: Fate/Stay Night

2009-05-21T22:16:00.014+08:00

Unusual title, eh? Does it sound familiar? Well for anime fans, yes.

Exactly 5 weeks ago, around 11:20 pm, I had to shut my computer down because I had to fucking obey stupid house regulations. I wasn't in the mood to sleep of course. I mean, who would be fucking asleep when the moment before you do so, you were being scolded for innocently killing boredom because you were a fucking bum all throughout the day. It has been pissing me off.

Because I was overly pissed at the time I didn't know I was already unconsciously scanning TV channels for a good show that'd hopefully lend me slumber, I tuned in to Animax at around 11:35 pm. I was like,

"Hey I know this fucking shit."

Indeed. It was the last anime I watched before I quit being a fan several years ago. As far as I could remember I was only able to watch the first 3 episodes of the whole series. I was a lucky ass because the moment I tuned in, episode 4 was already playing as if the show was for me.

Fate/Stay Night.

It was based on a video game and the story is pretty awesome although the anime version was minimized to fill in only 24 episodes where as the original length would probably be 100 times longer (hyperbole intended). Here's the gist of the story.

Setting: Japan

The main character named Shirou is an incapable magician who summoned a servant named Saber. Because of this he turned out to be one of the seven masters, who each has a servant, that will fight other masters and servants in the Holy Grail war. Now this war grants the last master and servant standing a wish through the power of the holy grail (note that Shirou was wishing for nothing), but to achieve this means to eliminate every single opponent through the forced cooperation of the master and the servant with the circumstances that 1.) only the servant can touch the grail, 2.) the master can force the servant. Let them sort their balls out with that. Smells like trouble.

Each servant is a reincarnation of a legendary character but in a different form. Saber for example is a woman but is actually King Arthur in the past. King Arthur wanted to win the Holy Grail war to undo a mistake that caused the fall of his kingdom. That is his purpose for fighting in the war. As the story progresses, Shirou pointed out that the effort was stupid since he believes that the past is the past and that what one should be thinking of and preparing for right now is the future. Moreover, he said that changing the past is childish - a mistake is a mistake and undoing something in the past means not getting over it up until now.

There have been numerous twists in the story, of which I'm not going to spoil anymore, that makes Fate/Stay Night a really cool anime considering that I only liked 4 or 5 animes in my whole life. Towards the end, Shirou and Saber were to fight one of the most powerful servants, who was a reincarnation of Gilgamesh (remember your Western history), and a formidable master, who was a survivor of the previous holy grail war that killed Shirou's stepfather.

Towards the end, Saber was able to kill Gilgamesh with her full power. Shirou was able to successfully defeat the last remaining master rendering him the glory of the holy grail war. But then, he ordered Saber to destroy the holy grail to stop the madness and wickedness it has brought to the world. At the end of it all, Saber realized that she loved Shirou who loved her first but she didn't succumb to because she was blinding herself that all she wanted was the grail. It was a cheesy ending, but there's this one scene that I fucking liked in this anime.

When Saber was able to defeat Gilgamesh, the guy told her that all he wanted was Saber and nothing more. Before he dissipated into thin air, he uttered the following words while having his right palm rest on Saber's left cheek.

"Some things are beautiful for the very reason that they are unobtainable."

And oh, during the last minutes of the very last episode there's this scene when Shirou was contemplating upon the past. I think he was standing on a bridge or something while overlooking a sea. It was the same place where he got to hang out with Saber before.

He said something like, "I might forget her smile, her voice, her face... But I won't be able to forget that I loved someone named Saber." I'm not sure with the accuracy of the words though but the essence was the same thing. Cheese. I enjoyed the whole series too that I wanted to download the game. It's just that my hard drive's left with only 200 MB of usable space whilst the whole visual novel was 2 gigabytes in size.

As if I've not had enough of animes and that I'm a fucking bum, I watched another series that was released December 2008. Now this anime's nothing fancy of intense sword fighting, bizarre sorcery, flying people and weird talking animals and mystical creatures and cute little demons and sexy hentai-ish angels - this one's normal, normal as in it can be seen in every day life. It's called,

ToraDora.

(Tiger Dragon, mind you.)

And this one's not fucking cheesy to tell the truth. This one's a simple laughtrip. The whole series can be found at YouTube if ever you're interested and I recommend it to those who don't like anime. Yes, those who don't like anime. And oh, try to unlock why the anime's entitled tiger and dragon. It's pretty interesting.

Interesting because... There's two guys who are good friends - one looks like a serial killer giving him the reputation of a delinquent in school, feared by many students, and the other guy a simple overworking genius and an athlete at the same time, and a heartthrob. They were second year high school students, and on the very first day of their school year, Ryuji 'the delinquent' bumped onto Taiga 'the palmtop tiger' (because of her tiger-like attitude that can beat the shit out of anyone, and palmtop because she's really small).

Now that's two powers clashing in school and Ryuji got his nose broken. Moving on, Taiga got to beat the shit out of Ryuji because she accidentally placed her love letter for Yusaku (Ryuji's good friend) in Ryuji's bag. Ryuji, in consolation, however opened up to Taiga about her feelings for Minori (a fellow baseball team captain of Yusaku) and that's when Taiga revealed that Minori was her goddamn bestfriend, so really, Ryuji screwed his ass twice - making her Taiga's dog for quite some time.

And the best goddamn thing is that they're all classmates.

And there's an addition to their simple group when Ami, a childhood friend of Yusaku and at the same time a really gorgeous model, transferred to their school and to their happy class.

What's good about this shit is that, throughout the story, Minori tried to hide her feelings for Ryuji, while Ami waited for Ryuji to give up on Minori so that she would have her chance. And then, in the end, Taiga realized that she liked Ryuji more than Yusaku (who by the way liked her before but started to like someone else). Now that's what we call intensity.

I'm not going to spoil the details. I'd rather have you see this for yourself.

The verdict: no matter how much time I spend on other things, the tigers and dragons of infatuation cling on me that I stay up all night pondering on the progression of my fate.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 19: A Dejected Argument

2009-05-18T20:58:00.007+08:00

May 5, 2009.

It was any other bum day since I was caged home for a full 24 hours. The whole day was actually quite fine and it was going steady until the clock hit 4:00 pm.

My mom called UP earlier that day to inquire about the processing of my application. It was bad news since the moment the Office of the University Registrar answered mum's call and asked for my name,

"Oh, Michael? From Ateneo?" asked by someone who got the line.

"Yes," mum immediately replied.

"Uhmm, we are still on the process of evaluating his grades but they are really low that he might not get the cut..."

It was a 1-minute conversation between mum and that someone. Mum just passed me this information since I was playing DotA when she called UP.

4:00 pm it is when dad arrived from Makati.

"So, if he's not going to UP...?" he confronted mum.

"We don't know."

"Then he's not going to study anymore! It's UP or nothing!" dad blatantly replied.

Angered yet shocked by this, I went to the dining room where both of them were discussing so that I could at least question how that decision came to be. In case, I also prepared to explain myself if ever mum and dad are going to GG-fy me for eternity. But a poor damned soul I was, the second they caught a glimpse of my figure emerging from the stairs, dad already started,

"Michael Eric, what now?"

"What 'what now'?" I slowly and softly answered.

"If you're not going to UP... Then you're not going anywhere!"

I didn't answer back to his fiery words. I was quite insulted with his statement. I know I got kicked out of the Ateneo because of my irresponsibility but for sure this isn't the way to settle this situation. I've always thought there's a room for improvement in any aspect of life I could be in, but then, what now?

That sucks.

May 6, 2009. 12:50 am.

I just signed in at Yahoo! Messenger because I got bored with TV shows and that I couldn't sleep. Just seconds after I clicked on the 'Available' button (since I do sign in as 'Invisible') a message window instantly popped up.

"Ooh Mr. Acosta is here ;))" Bianca said.

"Hi :-D"

"How are you?"

"Uhhh, screwed for life. You?"

"Screwed since a second ago."

"Why?"

"Because you said you're screwed for life."

I guarantee you those were the very words. It was only a 40-minute chat and all that time she was convincing me that I'm not a good-for-nothing person and that my parents weren't loathing me whatsoever. A pessimist I am, I argued that life's going to be wasted anytime soon. I told her that I've already lost everything the day before. I don't even know if my existence is going on a direction. I don't have anything more than that.

"But you have a friend that's bugging you right now and telling you not to give up because she believes in you."

Sweet. K. I was GG-fied yet again and I didn't know what to say but thanks. I knew I couldn't get myself to loving her any less because I just could not afford to.

"I told you," she continued, "You can't do anything. You're stuck with me. Sorry :-P"

The verdict was that we both believed there is goodness in this earth - she believes in mine; I believe in hers. Quits. Wait, what?!

It was pretty much casual talk when the chat crossed 20 minutes time but then she pitched in another GG line out of the blue.

"Haven't heard from you in a while. Hmmm."

"Why?"

"Don't get so depressed. There are so many beautiful things in this world."

"Indeed."

...

"Good thing I caught you online because I rarely get to afford the time," she said.

"I'm just a phone away."

She had to go in a little while so she already bid a good bye. She had to wake up early later that morning because she had to apply for her driver's license. But before we ended our conversation, we had these significant lines, I may say, that we traded with the winds of memory. I started out first.

"You're always convincing, Bianca. You can be in Ms. Universe."

"Nooo, I'm short."

"I'm not yet done. Ms Universe... Of my life."

"=))"

Fuck my ass. Now. That has to be the lamest line I could've said in my whole fucking life.

"I dont want to see you sad," I resumed.

"You want me to smile?"

"If I were a camera, I'm sure you'd always be smiling. That's why your smile is stored in my brain."

":)) Anyway, before I go, smile for me."

I did. It could've been more romantic if I had tears flowing down from my eyes, but no.

Life is one big fucking argument. Mike Acosta is a big fat argument. What do these have in common?

They're fucking dejected. That's cool, man.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 18: Coincidental Rendezvous

2009-04-29T21:41:00.012+08:00

April 29, 2009, Wednesday - the day this chapter was made.

I returned to Ateneo to acquire my delayed transcript of records. The registrar's office told me last Friday that I could get my transcript by the following Monday since they'd be editing an entry on the printed copy that wasn't supposed to be there. However, their promise didn't seem to be coming any real than Edward Cullen so I tried to follow up the whole shit.

I arrived at 11:30 and passed by the cafeteria. I saw some of my ex-block mates there and I hung out with them for an hour, telling them the progress of my application in the University of the Philippines and how my life has been so far since I got kicked out. It was a good talk with the block guys and gals before I decided to pass by the AMP bench and see how the people there have been doing.

I had lunch with Brian, JP, and Ralph Aguinaldo (a different Ralph). Of course, I ordered my favorite Chicken Hainanese from Buddha Bean Cafe and sat down at the AMP bench with the AMP people. It was more or less a noise party and a happiness session, including a sexy time with JP as we always did, before I left and went to the registrar's office to comply with my agenda for the day.

Just when I was crossing the red brick road in front of the Rizal Library on my way to the SocSci building where the registrar's office is, I saw Vince carrying a load of books he just borrowed. Long time no see buddy! I asked him if he was free, and he was, so I hung out with him for almost an hour. I owed him too many stories that's why it took me that long to tell at least half of them - including the tale of Mike and Bianca.

Well of course I started out the conversation with the usual greetings, asking the latest happenings, good and bad shit, what life is so far, and so on and so forth. Eventually the conversation flowed into my goddamn story from the very beginning and Vince seemed to be taken away by the ups and downs of certain uncertainties I've encountered in my second semester at the Ateneo.

We had a name for it: BV.

I was able to get the two copies of the transcript of records I ordered after hanging out with Vince. I left Ateneo in a short while with Brian to go to UP and meet Chantal. I needed company to check on the processing of my application to the courses I've chosen. We went back to Katipunan in 30 minutes time and we ate at McDonald's.

As I was walking back to my table from the counter after having my second order, I saw Mikko on a table together with some of his friends. I dropped a hello and had a little talk with him about what's been going on with me lately.

When I was about to leave McDonald's I texted Mikko where he was and he said he'd be leaving more or less the time I'd be leaving the place.

The best part of the day is, I was able to hitch a ride to Marcos highway... Mikko's ride. It can't get any better than that.

Out of McDonald's I was and it was a rampant flow of stories out of my mouth. Mikko seemed to be enjoying my story as well but much better than Vince did. I told him everything I could, considering that Marcos highway isn't that far from Katipunan.

In the middle of the conversation, Mikko, while driving, suddenly slammed both of his hands into the steering wheel. Then, he looked at me with a serious face and then looked away again.

"Mike, damn, your whole story... It's just fucking beautiful."

We've been talking about first loves, but he kept his side in cover so I respected that because I knew he must be bearing some painful memory. It was only me telling my whole story then. And Mikko kept on stressing,

"Man, I didn't expect this. I still remember those days when we only had like two or three English classes and I was even doubting if you were serious with Bianca or not. Most times I saw you down dude, but still you're hanging on, and look at it now! You're on the way, Mike. The whole story's fucking beautiful."

Of all the words, he chose 'beautiful.' He could've opted to use 'awesome,' or even 'great,' or just 'cool,' but no. And when I looked at it, my story's a good one after all. It isn't all too cheesy or generic, nor out of the box or super special. It's simply beautiful. And It's what I've been thinking about for the past month. I mean, the whole second semester of my life was just epic and unforgettable.

But, what now?

I don't have any fucking idea.

Vince and Mikko in one single day - a coincidental rendezvous. It was something that was not part of the plan, but then, fate seemed to play on me.

Well it played on me from the very beginning.

I'll play along.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 17: Chicken Hainanese

2009-04-22T23:41:00.010+08:00

I had several Ateneo visits during the month of April because I kept on following up my transactions with the registrar's office and I have to say that their system is fail... Sort of. Good thing my Ateneo friends were always around whenever my situation ticks me off. I always had lunch with them at SOM Mall, a cafeteria a little walk from SEC walk where students could try out venturing into business by selling food.

Chicken Hainanese is a trip down memory lane.

I remembered the Friday of March 13, exactly a month after I gave Bianca her Valentine's package, when she invited me for lunch. I planned on bringing Kris and Jeimi along and we all ate out at the bleachers near SOM Mall. We reserved this specific spot under the shade of a tree where we can chill and hang out for lunch.

I met up with Jeimi first and then walked with her to Bellarmine Hall to meet up with Kris to wait for him to finish his history class. And then we were off to meet up with Bianca.

Of course I was always in the spirit of Christmas and so I asked Bianca to kindly sit down for a while so that I'd order 'my meal' (when in fact I was planning on ordering our meals). I lined up at the Buddha Bean Cafe and placed two orders of Chicken Hainanese Combo with Milk Tea. After 5 minutes of waiting in line I got our food and I sat down with her.

Chicken Hainanese is euphoria. Everytime I smell its invigorating aroma even if it's not around or not even close to my nose, I instantly get hungry. And when I get hungry I tend to think of Bianca.

"Seriously, I'm fat," she started when we were eating our Chicken Hainanese meals.

"Who told you?"

"Me."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am!"

"So, you're not believing me..."

"I believe you, but--"

"End of story."

That was why she did not finish up her meal. She told me she was getting too fat when she's not and that she was really really full with these,

Food log:
1/2 cup Rice
2 pcs. Fried Siomai
1 serving of Chicken Hainanese (approx. 200 g)
1 glass of Milk Tea

I was able to consume almost twice her 'maximum capacity' in 2 minutes that I could have another order down my stomach. Damn Chicken Hainanese, why does it have to be so tasty? Well, it's only enjoyable when you eat it with company - more enjoyable with Bianca of course. Not only did I enjoy smelling my goddamn favorite Buddha Bean Cafe value meal at the time, I also got to witness my one true love eat my most loved SOM Mall food. That's two loves for me.

And when I was watching her, I remembered the uncountable times we were together, or just the times where she was the spotlight of my attention..

There was our first English class for the second semester and as a tradition each of us has to introduce him or herself in front of the class and say something special or unique. My attention automatically focused on the petite girl who sat by the door whose name I didn't know yet.

"Good afternoon everyone! I'm Bianca and you can call me, uhm, Bianca hahaha, and I'm taking up Communications... Uhm, talents, hmmm... I sing... But only in the shower," she told the class with her killer GG smile. Why does it have to be so beautiful? I was mesmerized when Mrs. Oblepias suddenly cut in-

"You sing? Sample. Oh wait... You have to be naked when you do that. So I suppose you should sing only in the shower."

Everyone was laughing, but Bianca... She was paradise personified. Oh my fucking gahd she was really beautiful when she laughed that whenever the memory returns to me I could easily collapse any time.

I also remembered this one November rain. I was crossing the EDSA walk from Kostka hall because my history class just finished. I was hating the weather back then, but when I was about to turn towards the direction of Gonzaga hall I saw a familiar face walking up to me. It was Bianca. Well, she was looking away as I was approaching so I waved in a little 'hi' to spark a little chat. As far as I can remember, she was on a sleeveless and a skirt. Dropdead gorgeous if you ask me.

"Hey Bianca."

"Oh, hi Mike."

"Finished with the assigned readings for today's History graded recitation?"

"What!? No one told me there was a graded recitation!"

"Oh."

She raised her hardbound notebook and gently pushed me with it while laughing. I think she thought I was not serious. Well, I was. I just did not tell her I flunked my first fucking graded recitation for the semester. I bid her good luck though when we parted ways. It made my fucking day.

There's also a cute incident in my memory that so reminded me of her. It was our first Eastwood trip. Kris, Jeimi, and I were walking to her place, but when we were in front of her condominium already, she offered to walk us back. It sounded pointless so we asked why.

"I'm stronggg!" she responded with a soft laugh while flexing both her biceps. Fucking cute. Cute enough to melt my balls again and again, and again.

There's a much cute incident than that. It was February 27 and she was wearing the same attire she did on February 18 I think. It was an English class and each of us had to go up front and bring something that we're not, well, something that does not show our qualities and whatnot, and explain.

Bianca brought this bar of dark chocolate and explained she wasn't a dark chocolate simply because of her complexion. SORRYYYYYYYYYYY. I'm an Indio. At the end of her speech, she was already holding something supposedly she was and she said,

"I'm irresistible."

Holy virgins. Where in high heavens did that epic GG speech descended from?

It was March 20, Friday, and it was the last day of our English class for the whole semester. Shit. I'm going to miss the goddamn class, and I swear it was the most significant class I ever had. We were only tasked to drop by the classroom to submit our final requirement and check our class standings.

My final paper was all about Bianca. The final requirement was simply a storyboard about anything in your life, possibly a defining moment or something of the same banana. After I submitted mine, I waited for Bianca because she was just next in line. She had to leave immediately though to cram up for her Science orals. I remembered giving her ideas the night before so that she could construct more arguments for that orals.

5:30 pm when she passed by in front of the benches just outside the cafeteria. I was hanging out with Kris and Jeimi when we saw her and so we called her attention. She sat with us for not more than 5 minutes because her driver was already waiting at Xavier hall. I walked her there and we were both silent for some odd reason.

Actually, if I am to list down every event that both of us were in, it would require me to shit a load of a dump truck. It's a goddamn hell lot although I enjoy doing it mentally.

Doing it is much more enjoyable while having Chicken Hainanese with Milk Tea for lunch.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 16: Labyrinth

2009-04-17T09:04:00.010+08:00

I've been drinking until April 8. It was the holy week so I had to cut my happiness by Holy Wednesday. I haven't talked to Bianca since the Monday before and I was out of my balls and wits. That's when I realized I couldn't last any longer without her. But still, I stood my ground - arrogant I was, I wanted to see if she'd really talk to me first. I didn't know I was crucifying my fucking ass.

By the evening of the Maundy Thursday, 9th of April 2009, things were worse. It was Chantal's birthday that day and she was equally sad when I got to talk to her. She was emotional at that point in time so I felt like the whole world's fucking down. What next?

What next? - April 10, 2009. Friday. 11:02 pm.

I found myself in front of a Yahoo! Messenger chat window with a new message from Bianca Arcega. My status was 'DND' (Do Not Disturb, as you may all know) back then since I was writing this story in this blog site, but of course Bianca was an exception. The moment her message window popped up from my desktop screen,

"Busy on a holy week?" she asked.

Bloody heaven and hell that just purged my balls from sadness. OWEITJIOWJDGHIALVJSDJPSAJDNHFIHASLALDFAWFPLMCKBJJKDKSBI. I tried to be as composed as possible and it took me thirty painstaking seconds before I was able to reply.

"Uhh kinda." I didn't tell her I was writing this story. "The stat's DND by the way because I'm hiding from someone," I continued.

She asked me to update her. I gladly did as was evident from my Message Archive. We've been chatting, and sharing, and bonding, and fishing. Yes. Girls fish without them knowing it, you know.

"Have you heard of my best pick-up line?" I asked her.

"Try me."

"Actually I don't have one since you're not here by my side... You bring out the best in me," Fucking retarded and lame.

"Mine's better."

"Oh, go ahead."

"Do you know who the second most handsome guy is here on earth?"

"Who?"

"You... Do you know who the most handsome is?"

"Who?"

"You... When you smile."

I fucking smiled the moment I read the message. She got me there. That was fucking brilliant. She went on,

"You know, it's really better if you say it personally. You really see the person smile."

Ok so God drummed my balls and I was defeated in the battle of pick-up lines. We've delved on cheesier stuff as the talk went on though. I missed her company, really, that was why I took the opportunity and maximized every second of the Y!M conversation as I eagerly responded to every message of hers.

"I can imagine, you're red right now," she told me.

"Me? No. Maybe kilig... Kidding. Haha." Kilig is that sudden rush when one is immediately placed in a situation that's all too romantic or whatever of the same shit.

"Really? As in no tingy feeling?" she pressed on.

"Well, it happens when I pee... Specifically when I'm almost done."

":-| Too much info, Mike."

The conversation crossed over midnight as always. She opened a little about her previous crush, which definitely saddened her yet again, and I wasn't able to alter the course of the talk as soon as possible. So I just told her about my plans of shifting to the University of the Philippines to change the topic.

"If you're in UP already, you might forget us..." she told me.

"What!? Why?"

"For some reason. :))"

"Give me a specific reason."

"I don't know. Haha. Anything can happen."

"What could that 'anything' be?"

"New friends? New life? I don't know."

"New love?" I pitched in. "Nah, it won't happen. It'd always be you."

"Haha don't say that. :-P"

"Why?"

"Simply because anything can happen."

"I won't forget about you. You'll know why, soon. :->"

"What's behind that smug?"

"Surprise, surprise, expect one from the clown."

What she didn't know at that time was that this story I've been writing was the surprise. This would always remind me of her, and in turn, remind her of me. I moved the drama aside though since the following messages after those were pretty much comedic and entertaining. Eventually, we've been answering Facebook quizzes at the same time.

"Hey, I just answered this 'What kind of Atenean chick do you like?' Facebook quiz," I told her.

":))"

"Result: BIANCA... BIANCA ARCEGA."

"WEH! There's nothing of the like!" That was a cute of her.

My dear Facebook... If it wasn't for that social networking site I would not have gotten the chance to apply for Bianca Online Communications and take up the course BA Love. I assume you know what BA stands for by the way.

"OMG what's this!?" she messaged me after a short while.

"Why, what's up?"

"I answered this 'What kind of guys do you attract?' quiz and the result is: Creeper!"

The Facebook Quiz said something like this:

creepers=Girl! You are just too nice, and your helpfulness is misunderstood as being interested. He is usually an older, oily man who, at the first sign of attention from anyone, misconstrues it as love. Get them away by not being nice to whoever you meet! However, if you like them... then just stay on the course and they will keep coming to/after you.

"So I'm a creeper, huh?"

"HAHA!"

The conversation still went on until 1:40 am and that's when her DSL fucked up. It was the last time I talked to her over Yahoo! Messenger. Good Friday was over when I slept that morning. Welcome to the Black Saturday, Mike.

After the holy week, I've arranged my school shit. I did all of these on the Monday after Easter Sunday - I followed up my order for my transcript of records and transfer credentials (which I paid back just the Holy Monday) and I acquired an application form from UP with the aid of Chantal. The following days, I've been hanging around Ateneo since people were already having their summer classes and I wanted to see them around.

Bianca didn't have summer classes.

The Friday of that week, Chantal asked Rups to go to TechnoHub and eat at Flapjacks. Rups of course hired me for reasons only the two of us knew. And for 'success' purposes I dragged Kris along. I bribed him of the One-Peso Pancake offer/promo of Flapjacks.

It was 2 pm. The three of us came at Flapjacks first and we were already having our meals and bottomless iced teas. Chantal caught up in 30 minutes time and Rups was happy. Well I think Chantal was happier. I don't know.

That afternoon, I realized that I haven't talked to Bianca for a week. Well I'm conscious that I haven't been communicating with her lately because I wanted to - I wanted to distance myself from her and see what life would be if there was no Bianca - I survived, well in a poor state of survival though - and I haven't noticed that it was already a goddamn week's time. Shit.

So Chantal bought me a Sun Cellular sim card for me to be able to easily converge with Bianca's Sun Cellular line. It was 3 pm when I texted her,

"Hi Bianca. How much would the ransom be if I kidnap you? - Kidnapper."

She didn't reply. I texted her the same message, but still, there was no reply. I changed my mind and blowed up the cover of the anonymous cellphone number,

"Kidding! Mike here :D"

There was an immediate response, a seriously immediate text message, to my inbox.

"Crazy! Haha! There's no ransom if you kidnap me :-P"

JOPEGHEOFJEOHFIEOAWFLAPMLCEKHGFEILGHL.

That Friday evening I was drinking with a few high school classmates and Chantal at Richie's place. I think I've been calling Bianca every 30 minutes because I was fly and high. I couldn't remember well what we've been talking over the phone until 2 or 3 am in the morning, until I was on my way home, and eventually, home.

But I'm certain of one thing: I told her I love her.

Life was a labyrinth. I didn't know where my heart and my mind were going. I didn't know where my mortality was walking into, or where my soul was dwelling into. But still, there was no way out of my masterful, shitful situation.

No fucking way out... But Bianca.

Gotta love life's labyrinths.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 15: Mathematics 69 And 0

2009-04-15T20:57:00.017+08:00

Wait, I almost flunked Algebra and I've flunked Calculus before. What do I know about Math then? I'm not a Math whiz to tell the truth. But I have a fair share of epiphanies that made me appreciate Mathematics all the more.

Anyway, I have done several calculations and taken numerous steps to prove if X raised to 69 existed, and it's driving me nuts. Seriously, Einstein nor Newton nor Leibnitz wouldn't do such a thing. An asshole I am though, I tried to see some aspects of life in a Mathematical perspective.

Ma69 is a Mathematics course that will never be taken in any university because it is inexistent, or in technical terms, oblique.

Why?

The number 69, when written with mortal hands, produce two imperfect digits that form a perfect number. How does that happen?

69 is the number of love. Don't get me wrong. 69 is the perfect number that would exemplify what love is. Each digit is a reciprocation of the other, just like man and woman. Each digit fills the emptiness of the other, or that each digit would satisfy what the other needs - a perfect compliment to one another which totally binds a partnership altogether, making the two digits inseparable, and thus called a 'number.'

A number is a relationship in itself. Each number has a certain value: the more it moves away from 0 in the number line towards infinity, the greater is its appraisal value - as best exemplified by money and property. This is how everything is quantified and valued. Love however is infinite in value and thus can never be measured and quantified by any means.

This is the focal point of doing the course Mathematics 69. It is the effort of trying to grasp certain subjects and ideas that could not be systematically explained in any manner nor perfectly organized and well-delivered in any speech - and in this particular case, love.

Mathematics 69 is stupidity. There are no materials needed in this course but your heart. There are no equations needed but a number, 69.

Love is oblique, indeterminate and undefined, but it exists - which all in all transgresses the ideals of Mathematics.

Ideals?

Love is more than those. Love is unpredictable even with the aid of mathematical computations, graphs and projections. Love has no pattern, no percentage, no numerator nor denominator, no common factor, no divisor, no dividend, and no formula. Love has no derivatives and anti-derivatives, it has no roots and squares, and has no functions.

It has a solution though.

There's just you and your partner. The rest is history. That's the solution - and yes, it is indefinite.

In short, love is Bianca.

You didn't see that coming, did you? That Bianca line was the first thought that entered my mind when I was about to start this chapter. I just had to develop it creatively. So you may ask,where did that fucking idea come from?

From my heart. Ok that was random.

Unfortunately, Math has no heart. It does not give you the understanding, rather, it would require you to max out your understanding to comprehend its fundamental and core knowledge. It is very much possible to grasp the beauty and meaning of Math but it takes great effort.

But Bianca?

Well, from a guy's point of view, women can never be understood. You'll just have to accept, appreciate, and love them. That's the end of it, else you'll get your curious nose right under the boots of trouble. Women are the hardest to understand on this earth and it takes great perseverance to last the ordeal. That's a perk of taking the course Mathematics 69.1 - understanding the digit 6 and the digit 9, or the other way around.

Unfortunately too, the realities of Mathematics 69 just don't apply if the number 69 isn't put into real life action. Think of it this way: the number 69 wouldn't be easy. It will never exist until a relationship is a two-way one. A one-way relationship is futile, or in simple terms, stupid, since it would not be love at all. And lastly, it would not really be a 69.

Unfortunately too for that matter, the ideal ugliness of the situation will not apply to me. I don't really care to whatever may happen. All I know is that I'm sure of what I am feeling and I am definitely going for it.

But, there's a harder Mathematics course than Mathematics 69. It is Mathematics 0. It is the Math of understanding one's self, which is completely impossible. The self can never be understood. That's a law and a truth, a reality.

Mathematics 0 is one big problem. There are three variables: your mortal body, your incapable thinking, and your temporal existence.

Basically, the problem gives you a piece of shit, which is you, from the three given variables. Now, the challenge in solving this hard-level problem is knowing how to make the given shit significant.

Solution:
1.) The mortal body is bound by time. It may be exterminated and extinguished in the course of,
2.) Its existence - which binds the edge of its mortality to the scythe of death, that is why,
3.) The weak thinking keeps on boggling itself what to do in the expanse of its history on this,
4.) Temporal salvation. This state requires human will to push through a nirvana in order to,
5.) Redeem itself and free itself from the bounds of mortality and reality.

Final answer:

'Shit.'

The given shit has no real value. However, that shit is given value by another. Each piece of shit is valuable after all.

Mathematics 0 is life. Life is one big hole. Fuck it. Nah, I'm just confused as of this time. I just didn't know what to do.

Enough of Math. What's with it?

I owe Math a big deal. When I flunked my Mathematics 19 (Calculus) during the second semester of my freshman year, I was really fucked up because I had to take the goddamn subject again for the first semester of my sophomore year. Through this, I had several of my core subjects and my individual program of study delayed.

And through this, I had my English 12 course delayed.

And through this, I met Bianca.

No fucking regrets for me. Math my ass. Even the greatest of Mathematicians won't be able to calculate the direction of my goddamn lucky fate.

Still, fuck Math. It does not have the solutions for everything.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 14: Accepted

2009-04-13T23:33:00.016+08:00

If you don't entertain the pain, you circumcise yourself thrice. Your balls suffer. Seriously, that's shit.

Speaking of shit, sometimes you just have to eat your own. If you reject pieces of shit again and again, there will come a time that your septic tank called 'pride' would be overflowing with crap. That's when you'd need to immerse yourself and eat the shit. This though doesn't necessarily mean that you need to constantly eat shit, rather, knowing where to dump shit. And it's not going to be your pride that'd help you dispose shit. And oh, don't forget about your own shit too. You'd be fucking your own fate if you shit on your septic tank more often, which would eventually make you a septic tank worth shitting on.

Learn to accept or you'd be another piece of shit.

Dump yourself first or others might do it for you before you even lift your finger.

I've learned to accept my fate lately; there are others out there that are much worse. So, acceptance huh? What's this all about?

Dictionary.com comes in handy during these times of crisis.

AC-CEPT-ANCE
–noun

1.	the act of taking or receiving something offered.

2.	favorable reception; approval; favor.

3.	the act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory.

4.	the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable

1.) Fate has dismissed me from Ateneo.
2.) I approved of it already.
3.) I started to believe in tragedy.
4.) Fate has accepted me this way.

I am my fate.

But the big question still remained: Why would I want to forget about everything? And Bianca? Why, all this time, would I want to fucking shit on my ass?

The big answer was the same question. 'Why.'

I've accepted that I am 'honorably' dismissed from my university and I've accepted that I'm one big disappointment to my parents, considering that I was the first Atenean from the family. I've accepted that I've failed in school and that the inevitable truth of my QPI (Quality Point Index - the grading system of the Ateneo) did not meet the requirements of a probationary student.

I've accepted that both my grandfathers already left this mortal world, and my main reason of taking up a Chemistry-related course in order to invent some goddamn shit of a medicine to cure cancers is now in vain. I've seen myself from my clan's point of view - perhaps a useless guy now.

I've accepted too that my parents sort of loathed me (well that's what I felt at the time) and I've accepted that I'm going to lose all my friends in school - from simple acquaintances, to block mates and classmates, from AMP people, from my band, from my group... But still.

Have I accepted the reality already? I haven't even accepted myself, yet. You see, that's how unclear my mind was.

Alcohol straighten things out. I swear. That's what I've been doing after I submitted my last semester requirement - the History paper regarding my museum visit at Ayala with Ian and Bianca. That was when my semester was officially over, and then, my throat was a stream of alcohol all the way.

I remember it was the 6th of April at a resto bar somewhere in Ortigas near an Autostore when I was drinking with my dad. We've been checking several rides the whole day and he's planning on changing his car to something definitely faster and we've been discussing it all day long. So to end our whole day trip, we had a drink.

5:34 pm when I received Bianca's last text message for the day saying,

"If you're a good boy, you don't need to be told what to do," she calmly said. Well, I always needed her for me to be able to cut down my alcohol intake because I act like a fucking baby that asks for discipline. Haha.

Anyway, Dad and I took a table in the middle of the place. There were only three or four guys hanging around so the resto bar was a little silent. There were dimmers that lit the place and the ceiling fans were rotating slowly as if they're taking part of a whole day's exhaustion. The view from our table was great - it was overlooking all of Valle Verde - like a sense of tranquility and solitude from modernity. We've been talking about cars and engines while gazing at the distance that felt so far from urban life. Eventually, the flow of the talk shifted towards my relationship with Bianca, not as a boyfriend of course, but just a good friend.

"So, what's the plan, son?" he asked me when we were halfway our drinking session.

"I dunno," I placed my bottle down on the table and had both of my hands behind my head while slouching on my seat.

"What's with the answer?"

"I'm confused, dad. Should I continue or what? I'm driven to screws and bolts and nuts. My mind's goddamn twisted from thinking of her. As stupid as it sounds I assure you that this time it's fucking real," I slowly replied after taking my cap off and pitching it in to the table.

"Drink more, then talk."

I did, then I continued.

"Well, dad, she's the first girl I ever loved. I didn't believe at first that such a phony thing could exist. But then, it was just right in front of me, from nowhere... I couldn't believe it myself. Love is fucking real, dad."

"Do you love her?" he straightforwardly asked. His tone changed and he placed down his bottle of Red Horse on the table. He looked me straight in the eye and I knew he was serious.

"Well, yeah... but--"

"Yes or no?" he interrupted without any hesitation.

"Yes!" I quickly replied.

"So what are you shitting about? You know, Mike, once you find a girl you'll love and you're sure that you love her, go for it. Because once you turn your back on her, poof... There goes your dream. You'll never be able to find someone like her again. And if ever you'll do such stupidity, backing out or something of the similar shit, a '&#$%&@#' is already waiting for you." he said before taking another sip from his bottle.

Now that's what I call motivation.

When we finished our drinks, we went home. Dad drove to the limits of his car and it was goddamn fast - faster when you have alcohol in your blood - fastest when your senses fail but instinct.

Instinct.

I've finally accepted what I've been feeling deep inside me. Well, maybe not exactly accept but more of comprehend. Acceptance is a hard word, and it needs comprehension first before it's put into action.

When I told Bianca before that I love her, I was 100% sure; this time though, it's 500.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 13: Rejected

2009-04-12T23:56:00.015+08:00

Rejections are common realities of life.

March 26, Thursday, the day after a 13-hour adventure with Bianca, I started reviewing for my Theology final exam. It was 12:00 am flat when I opened my notebook and browsed my handouts to run through all my lessons. 13 hours after that, I was finished with my last exam for the semester and I was already sitting down at the cafeteria with Kris and Jeimi.

Later that day, Rups got to hangout with us and Chantal-Denise came over all the way from UP. The whole group sat in at Jeimi's final semester requirement which was a group reporting somewhere in Gonzaga hall. After her group's report, Rups, Chantal and I sneaked out to hang around SEC walk and the cafeteria. Jeimi couldn't leave the class until every group was done presenting, and of course Kris had to be with her so we left the two of them.

We assembled again at the cafeteria at around 5:00 pm and that's when we saw Bianca sitting on another table not far from us. She was with her block mates at the time and she was having fun with them so I did not go over and attempted to star my ass out. Instead, I texted her to look at our direction and wave a hello or something so that we too could say a hi. A sweet girl she was, just after receiving the text message she dropped by our table and said hello to everyone. She quickly left though to go back to her block's table.

I saw Andz walking by and I called him. The two of us sat on another table and I told him every inch of my second semester life in a concise manner since I haven't been with the block guys lately. I also shared my problems with him because I felt like spilling everything within me to a good friend. It was a short yet fruitful and 20-minute quality talk.

"Fight back," he said before he bid farewell. That brought me to my senses since I've been screwing up my ass with my self-inflicted depression.

In a little while Rups and Chantal left for McDonald's to meet up with Danya, another friend. That was a walk to remember for the two. Also, Kris walked Jeimi before she was fetched by her family. Jeimi had to go back to their house in Cavite and she'd be returning by June 2009. She does not have summer classes which left Kris devastated. I knew he'd long for her. So it was only me left on our table. I checked to see if Bianca was still at the cafeteria but she was gone. Kris returned though after bidding farewell to Jeimi.

It was 5:30 pm when Kris and I left the cafeteria. We wanted to go to McDonald's to catch up with the others. But just as we were walking at EDSA walk, I chanced to scan the Zen Garden since we were walking slow as hell. Voila, there was Bianca seated on a bleacher together with her block mates. Her back was on us so we didn't bother to say hello again. That was the last time I saw Bianca for the semester and the last time I've seen her so far.

We went to McDonald's Katipunan afterwards and met Rups, Chantal and Danya although only Danya remained to hang out with us until 6:30. Danya would be meeting her friends in a short while. Eventually Kris and I had to go home. I thanked him yet again because he brought me to my place; we were feeling down at the time and he wanted to have company before he went home that's why he offered me a free ride.

Friday, the following day, I dropped by Ian's place because I'd be going to school and he wanted me to submit my History paper (about the museum visit) together with his paper since he had to review for an exam the next day. After submission, I went to McDonald's to meet up with Chantal and Richie, a high school classmate, and we waited for company before proceeding to have a drink at Coastnet. I had to leave early though because it was the last day of my grandfather's wake who passed last March 21.

March 28 and my grandfather was brought to his resting place.

BV: Bad vibes. Why? Everything would be the best answer.

Later that evening I was online and chatting with Bianca. We were talking about her photoshoot the Tuesday before about the Seven Capital Sins. She was asking me if her poses were effective or something, especially the 'lust' part. It was an epic picture by the way. Ask her if you want a copy.

"You've conveyed the message just right," I told her.

Midnight of March 29, 2009 we were still talking with the aid of my buddy, Yahoo! Messenger,

"Mike, promise me you won't be doing what you told me a while ago," she suddenly blurted from out of the blue.

"What was that?" I think I was drinking the time I told her the goddamn thing.

"That you'll be messing up..."

"I'm a mess. So I'd rather have you forget about me and not worry about things that concern me."

"Do you think I'm that kind of person? Someone who can forget?"

"Certainly no, but thinking of me would simply be a waste of time."

"You're breaking our deal. You're looking down at yourself again," I remembered I signed this pact before that I won't be doing such a thing, looking down on myself and the like.

"Hmmm, let me rephrase it then."

"Oh no you're not."

"It's not quite right that you give some of your time to me. There are more important things in your world."

"It's still the same thing."

"But it's true."

"Well, it's still the same so no matter how hard you try to rephrase it... you lose. :-P"

Oh well. She was really sweet, but then, I changed the topic to alter the course of the talk.

March 31, 2009. Tuesday. Me and my ass and balls and everything else were GG-fied.

"Sorry, Mike. :-) As much as you'd want me to forget you, you're part of my life now, all my friends are. :-) And as long as I'm here you're pretty much stuck with me. You won't be able to stop me from trying to help you get back on track again. :-P"

Whu-what was that? My balls dropped and I couldn't find them on the floor. She sent me that text message because I think I was drunk when I told her that she must forget me. That was something that pulled me out of my drunken state. I've been drinking a hell lot, yes.

Damn drama. I just wanted her to chill because she seemed stressed out the last time I saw her and she got drunk that goddamn night. I told Ian about this though.

"Just see how it plays out, right?" he told me.

"So how do I do that?"

"Just go with the flow."

So you may wonder what the hell's wrong with me. I don't even know it myself.

It was 1:00 am of April 3, 2009 when I logged in to AISIS Online. It was supposed to be available at around 12:00 am but then the site underwent maintenance and everyone was requested to log in an hour after. Really anxious, I had no choice but to wait.

After seeing my grade, I knew I was screwed. I texted Bianca at 1:11 am and told her I'm going to be kicked out. I think I woke her up though. She immediately replied,

"How'd you know?"

"AISIS."

She was online in 2 minutes time and was already talking to me over Y!M but I changed the topic (as I always do) from my failure to something more enjoyable to talk about. I didn't want her to see that I was down but I thanked her for the concern.

A sweet farewell I give to Ateneo de Manila University,
A sweet chapter of my existence and mortality,
A sweet memory of the fairest lady,
A sweet truth which I have yet to see...

Bianca... Oh, April 4 was her birthday by the way. Happy Birthday!

As much as I'd like to forget about everything, I just couldn't. She was irresistible. And I've already stuck that to mind.

I've always kept on rejecting myself. I'm a reject - making rejections common, making rejections more than a possibility but a truth and a reality.

I'm a metalhead but I admit that that sounds fucking emo.

-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 12: Moment Of Truth

2009-04-11T10:24:00.015+08:00

March 25, 2009.

It was 8:20 am when my dad dropped me at Ian's place. The time I got to the gate, I saw Ian's mom driving the car out of the garage. I greeted her a good morning when I peeked through the car's window. Ian then went out of their front door, closed the gate, and ushered me to their car. We were to go to Eastwood at that time.

Eastwood...? Early morning? Why?

We were supposed to go to the Ayala Museum that morning as a final enrichment activity for our Asian History... with Bianca. Oh-ho, there goes the twist. We were to pick her up. That was why we were at Eastwood; supposedly, Ian's mom would drop us there and it's up to us on how we would get our asses off to Ayala.

It was kind of easy because there were available cabs anywhere and we're just to call out one. It was around 9:00 am when Bianca, as beautiful as ever, descended from her kingdom-slash-condominium and met Ian and me at the entrance. Her smile was just pulverizing - pulverizing in a way that you'd be 1-2-knocked out.

A minute and we were already in a cab. Ian sat at the front seat beside the driver. Bianca and I took the back seats (Thank you Ian for a wonderful cooperative game play. You are a good friend!). That was when Bianca told us that she didn't tell anyone but her grandma that we were kidnapping her out of Eastwood, which seriously scared me off my skin. She was all too precious that deserved the best of care, and she was on me and Ian's very hands to watch for.

In a short while Bianca and I were already seated on one side of the back seat because she moved towards me. Jesus Christ, what was that? I learned she does not want herself for a sun beam and so she had to put all our things on her side of the seat so that she could move closer to me. I kept entertaining her all the way to the museum in exchange for my freaking paradisaical happiness. You know what I mean... being side to side with the girl you admired the most with all your life and balls - and you can do what you want - you get the idea.

The museum was a grand epic experience primarily because I was beside Bianca almost all the time. I paid more attention to her than any other historical display on all four floors of the Ayala Museum; seeing her delighted was more than enough and would certainly be a lot greater than an A+ History paper. Besides, she is a museum of beauty that I'd be willing to explore all year round. We went around the Ayala museum in a planned route though, thanks to Ian who was familiar with the place. As for me, my mind went in circles, bedazzled by Bianca's stunning beauty.

I think she hit her forehead once because she was amazed by a certain diorama that she didn't notice the glass covering it, semi-hurting herself in the process. That was cute. She held her forehead with both hands and approached me with a sad face. I think that was the first time I hugged her, and the first time I held her head with both of my hands and almost kissed her on the forehead. Well, a good guy I was, I resisted the temptation. Can't believe how good I am.

It was a battle of indecisive minds before we had lunch at PiaDina at Greenbelt. It took us ages to choose where to eat and I had a severe headache that started like 2 hours before which took out my appetite because I lacked sleep the night before. My vision was literally a vortex tunnel that I lost my noise level and hyperactivity as well. I was trying my best to put on a fine facial expression but I couldn't even hook the pasta with my fork. I realized then that I was dehydrated which explains why I was a little fine after I had water down my throat. Damn fucking metabolism.

Another cause of my dizziness would probably be Bianca's beauty overload, but if that's the case, I'd rather be dizzy all my life.

We left Ian and a friend at Greenbelt because apparently Bianca and I had to go back to Eastwood to meet Kris and Jeimi just to hang out for the rest of the day. We crossed a street where Bianca grabbed my arm because she was scared in crossing roads but I brought her safely to the other side. Who's the hero? Me. We then took a cab and history repeated itself. We were on one side of the seat again and I was quite happy of course. It was a bonding moment for the both of us throughout the trip and these were the times that I get to truly know her.

2:30 pm and we were at Eastwood; I had Bianca wait for me outside a restroom because I had to pee. I thought I lost her though 'cause she was nowhere in sight when I stepped out. But when I texted her, she just came out of nowhere. We had a good laugh for some odd reason.

We were off to DQ yet again just like before and we were supposed to meet Kris and Jeimi there. I wanted to treat Bianca something sweet too that's why I chose the place. When the whole bunch assembled we hung around for half an hour before going to the cinemas to see what time would 'Watchmen,' the movie we wanted to see that day, start since we knew we were off the playing time schedule. Anyway, the movie was only available at Ultra 7 (the cinema at the new mall) and it would start at around 5:30 pm. It was only 4:00 back then so we just headed to National Bookstore to help Kris find a gift for his dad who had his birthday the day before.

We went to the parking area because Kris wanted to get a jacket for Jeimi which was placed in his car and that I'd be depositing my bag at the same time so that I'd be having no load to bug me around. We went to Ultra 7 afterwards and bought tickets. It was 5:00 pm and we descended a floor below to sit on a couch and put our asses to rest for a while since we've been walking the whole day.

That was another epic moment since I had the balls to lean on Bianca and steal her wallet and her ID again and again. It was a fail attempt though because she wasn't so happy about it, especially when I was looking at her high school baby face picture. Fail means fail, really. Well in fact I've been leaning on her all day long because I felt like being an asshole (Hi Bianca, if you ever noticed that, just so you know). And oh, her perfume, whatever it was, I loved it. Or is it just my imagination? No epic win although I've been leaning on her.

Oh wait there's one! I grabbed her phone. What's the epic win then? She held my closed fist with both of her hands in the struggle of having her phone back. The moment I realized she was holding my hand I was stunned and I didn't know I was already letting go of her phone and dropping it to her lap. Her hands... MADE OF WIN!

We went back up to Ultra 7 at 5:30 pm and immediately took our seats after a restroom break. Soon there were people flying around asking what flavor everyone wanted for popcorns and what drinks everyone wanted to have.

"Is this included in the 700 bucks you paid?" Bianca asked me.

"Yes," I responded as soon as she finished her question.

A lady approached us and I had my order patterned after Bianca's, which was cheese for popcorn and a root beer in can. The seats were awesome too. They were all in pairs and seemed as if you're in bed. So in the far right there was Kris and Jeimi having their moment, and in the middle there was Bianca and me. Bed sensation = for the win. Kidding. I'm a shy person, you know. Don't get the wrong idea. Nothing happened.

"You sure these are all free?" she asked me again when we were having our snacks and seeing that Kris and Jeimi had none.

"Nope they're not. You're going to pay for them," I cooly lied.

"WHAT!?" she exclaimed in shock, but she later learned that they were all included in the payment.

Half of the time I was watching Bianca. She kept on asking me about the details of the movie of which 99% I couldn't answer. I was still confounded by how God bestowed her such overkilling beauty. The movie was good though but it is quite evident that I'd rather watch Bianca.

Just like good old times, we had dinner at Yellow Cab. Unfortunately, it rained when we were watching the movie. So that explains why it was freezing at Ultra 7, considering too that Bianca was having a hard time dealing with the temperature and that I was using my cap as a fan to 'comfort' her and give her some heat. Screwed. Anyway, I wanted to have dinner at the balcony but it was wet so we all opted to take the seats inside at the second floor by the farthest corner table of the room. Kris and Jeimi sat together of course and I was sitting beside Bianca. Kris and I were on the wall; to his left was Jeimi and to my right was my beloved.

This time too, I chose the pizza - Hawaiian 14". I couldn't remember the exact time when we were eating because I lost track of everything since I have been planning something hideous. When Bianca went downstairs to get the condiments she wanted, I told Plans A and B to Kris and Jeimi.

We finished dinner in 15 minutes and when I was already prepared to execute my masterful killer GG plans, I kindly sent Kris 'the sign.'

"Uhm Bianca, I'd be buying something and I'll have Jeimi along. We'll return as soon as we're finished..." Kris said to assist me on my Plan A.

"Uhhh, okaaay..." Bianca responded, thinking what would be happening next. Then, Kris and Jeimi left their seats. Plan A seemed to be working effectively. So far so good.

"We'll be back in a while," Jeimi mentioned before they turned around and descended the flight of stairs.

"So," I started, "That..." while pointing to Kris and Jeimi walking away, "... is scripted," I told Bianca.

She laughed out and gave me a light punch on my right thigh. Her smile almost killed me to my balls again. After she was settled, I moved my chair really close to her and I placed my right arm on her right shoulder. I started out again,

"This was all part of the plan, Bianca, and I know that you know where this is going," I slowly and carefully said, before continuing, "But I'd just like to tell you something."

"Hmmmmmmmm, what...?" she said while giving me her killer smile. I'm perpetually GG-fied by that ever-beautiful lips of hers.

"You know, all this time, I've been thinking, but not just of you of course but of the whole situation we are in. And I've concluded that what I'm feeling inside me is quite right although it may seem outright stupid at first. But still, I'd like you to know that you're a very special person to me. I mean, without you, I would not have changed and I could have been a useless person I was. But you, you defined me. You molded me into a new person which is what I am right now. And I thank you for that," I continued on saying the sincerest of things, and some lines of mine of which I couldn't remember anymore.

"Thanks, Mike. I thank you for everything and I appreciate every single thing you did for me," she eagerly responded while looking directly at my eyes. "Good speech by the way, but why are you all red?" she quickly placed in as a comic relief. We both laughed at that really loud like we were the spotlight at the second floor of Yellow Cab, Eastwood City, Libis.

"What!? Me? Red...? You have to be kidding me. You're the one who's red!" I responded because she was really red at that time. We laughed yet again, but I continued,

"Anyway, I'd just like to ask you a question."

"What?"

I gave her 'the question.'

"Uhm, Mike, uhhhmm..." she responded then she immediately gave me a short, sweet hug.

"Whatever happens, please don't be sad whatsoever, okay? You know my situation, right? And, uhm, I don't want to turn you down," she continued. "Damn you, your question's really hard to answer!!!"

"Ah come on, it's totally fine by me if it's a 'no.' We're still going to be friends after this," I said while laughing.

"NO, I don't want to give you a 'no!' But well, you know my situation and I couldn't say--"

"It's okay," I smiled at her before looking away. "I can wait," I followed through while smiling.

This time, we were really really close to each other. Suddenly,

"HAHAHAHA! Why are you so RED!?" she deliberately asked me (emphasis on red because I myself felt that blood was rushing exuberantly through my veins).

"HELL NO, you're RED!" I retorted.

"Want me to bring out a mirror!?" she did and we both looked at it at the same time.

"See!?" she insisted.

"Oh well. Yes, you're right, but still... (5 second pause) I love you," with a head turn that I hoped was all too suave. GG.

We conversed for like thirty minutes before I texted Kris asking where they were. I knew they felt excited over my situation but I still did not want to tell them that it was a 'no answer.' After receiving his text message though, Bianca and I came over to their spot which was a silent area in the Citywalk. We saw the two in a bench and so we decided to get ours.

It was a drama session. She was the only person in the world that I've shared my inner problems to. I mean, wow, a drama session at the end of the day? Ftw.

"If those are the only things you're worrying about, then you're no match to mine," she said.

"Damn."

We talked about problems, but I didn't really bug her to tell her side of the story else she might lose her stability. She just told me what she comfortably wanted to and that was enough for me. I felt at that time that the burden she was carrying was really really heavy and I hugged her for that.

That was when I changed again towards a better person because I knew that this petite gorgeous English block mate of mine whom I admired the most was a strong person.

I felt like a weakling. Well, weakened more to my knees because of her smile...

10:30 pm when we stood up from our bench and moved towards Kris and Jeimi. I told them I'm going to walk Bianca to her place. Bianca said her goodbyes before we walked to her condominium. I asked her if I can hold her hand. She looked at the direction of her place and then thought for a second or two before looking at me again,

"It's faaar!"

"HAHA! I was just kidding." I said.

She was quite silent but I managed to put off a few laughs out of her and I kept the talk going. We walked slow and I was cherishing the time we were together. Her backhand was touching mine but still I didn't grab her hand because I didn't have the permission in the first place.

When we were in front of her condominium, she told me she's going to her uncle's unit first so we had to say good bye to each other. But before we parted ways,

"Bianca, gusto ko lang sabihin sa'yo na mahal talaga kita."

[And that's the only goddamn Filipino dialogue in here. Take note of that.]

In English, "Bianca, I'd just like to tell you that I really love you." After that, I gave her a long, tight hug that should've choked her.

She joked if I had enough already during the course of the hug. We laughed at that, then we bid farewell to each other. But before she could go any further, I picked up her left hand, which was the nearest to me, with my right hand and kissed it softly. She turned around again and we found ourselves laughing harder than before.

"It was a stolen one," I sweetly said. Still, we were laughing.

When we turned our backs to each other, I texted her my apologies for doing such stupidity. She replied it was fine though. I immediately went back to Kris and Jeimi and told them the whole story. They were happy for me. Well, I'm only happy if I see Bianca happy, but she didn't seem to be really happy after our whole day adventure. She was confounded.

The next moment we were at Kris' car and we dropped off Jeimi to her place first. Kris then brought me home.

Just like good old times, we had blasted our wallets and pockets but we coursed through the path home satisfied. Well, I wished I was that time, but I really wasn't. I was troubled.

The good old times, huh?

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 11: Sidewalks

2009-04-10T11:13:00.017+08:00

I tread on the sidewalks.

What of the main road then?

School's almost out and I've been counting the last hell weeks of the month of March, and perhaps the last days I'll be getting my ass around Ateneo. The whole of the second semester was actually my only remaining chance of proving the university that I deserved to stay since I'm on probation. However, it turned out that I just had another mediocre semester and probably I'm going to get myself kicked out any time soon. Catching up on grades may not be so possible anymore at that time.

My LS class was pretty cool because my teacher, Ms. Maglaque, was lenient and approachable. Also, I showed my interest and effort in this class. I enjoyed the focal point of doing Leadership and Strategy for one whole semester even if it took great pains for me to finish certain papers and long tests, or even researching for various information and preparing for reporting in class. Perhaps this was the class I excelled the most with my mediocre performance.

My Science class was the most useless class I ever had for the expanse of my lifetime. I don't even know if it had significance or what but I only found the important relationship of Science and Society during the last session for the whole semester. I mean, I can bluff my way around the topics when it comes to Science and Society, but the 'real' answer as to what Science and Society was all about just came out from my teacher when we were about to say goodbye to him. Good bye Mr. Marquez. Fuck that goddamn subject. I couldn't say goodbye to my killer GG girl classmates though. I still want to see them around... the hotness.

My English class was the most significant! This is unquestionable. If AISIS Online Enlistment did not fuck up I should not have been a student for section S09 and I should not have seen, known, and loved Bianca Arcega. Besides, Mrs. Oblepias was the most supportive teacher I had when it came to relationships. She tipped me well when it came to relationships and those tips were actually applicable to real life. And if it wasn't for English too, I should not have known Kris, Jeimi, Mikko, Vince and Ralph, and I should not have led a more colorful existence.

History classes, hmmm, were the most sessions I slept in. Seriously, every Histo class I attended, each and every 1-hour-20-minute discussion, I'm asleep for almost an hour. I also come in late by 5 or 10 minutes most of the time. I almost flunked the goddamn class because I was not listening to what Ms. Nazareno was discussing almost every classroom discourse and my notes were indecipherable because my hand wrote on its own whenever I'm asleep. If it wasn't for Bianca (although my efforts of challenging her came to no avail since she always scored 20 more points than I do every exam) I should've consistently flunked my long tests.

PE classes were fun although I got myself battered and bruised (I kid) a couple of times. I kind of enjoyed sparring even if the ladies of my class kept on hitting me hard with their Arnis sticks every time I had practice with them. Also, I kept on acquiring blisters all over my hands and fingers every after PE session. I learned to love the whole experience though simply because this class defined me the word 'pain,' with pleasure of course.

Theology classes were epic. My teacher, Mr. Roncal, was one of the coolest guys I've seen who was able to teach religion in an unconventional manner. Moreover, he was able to relate the topics to real life. Although I slept in the class every now and then, every lesson we had was instilled into my thinking that was why I loved doing Theology 121. This was the only class I walk out inspired other than English.

Accounting 10 was my Saturday morning class. I usually cut 2 hours of the 3-hour class by coming in late, over-extending the 10-minute break in the middle of the period for over-caffeinating myself with coffee and having rice meals or whatever, and leaving early to go to the cafeteria on the last minutes of the class. I failed this subject the previous semester so this was a retake but I thought I'd be flunking again.

NSTP was my Saturday afternoon class and I enjoyed the whole of it basically because my classmates there were all fun to be with. Through tough times we were able to do what we planned for the community we were helping back then. I'm going to miss all my NSTP buddies considering that there were several Saturdays that I played DotA with the guys. This addiction never ceased.

I also had a fair share of troubles within my friends and classmates alike, from mere disagreements to personal conflicts and all that, and I wish to discuss such no further.

I had more extra-curricular activities and I prioritized them more than my academics, to tell the truth. There was a reason why I have been lacking on motivation to propel myself to work and strive really hard. It was a challenge for me as well where to find a new motivation or inspiration. So really, I was not able to push myself any further.

It was quite evident that I haven't been traveling on the main road, but more on the sidewalks. I stood behind the street lamp posts, away from the light in the shadows of the night. I had my own stoplight to guide me through and I did not drive my ass up the right direction. I purposely led myself to fail. I didn't focus on my studies and I didn't take my probationary case seriously.

I remember this song called 'Sidewalks' by a post-hardcore band called Story Of The Year.

From the sidewalks,
Running away from the streets we knew,
Sidewalks,
Like the time we thought was made for you.
Or...

Life then was in a run for number 11. Notice how number 11 is handwritten and notice how the strokes are made. It all goes down. But to where?

That is the question I have yet to answer.

Fuck academic shit. And fuck me too. I screwed myself up. I did not know what to do with my life. Yes, I reached that phase and I don't know how and why. I had financial support from my parents, I had many circles of friends, I had enough drinking and DotA sessions, I had the best music I could probably ever like, I had my brains and my twisted philosophies, but what was I lacking?

Motivation? Nah, something more than that.

Love.

Family.

Oh, the Devil Lock. I myself am the devil of myself and I locked myself to myself thereby locking the devil unto me and locking my fate unto the devil which is me. The real problem I had actually was: I had no time for myself. For some reason, I wasn't able to focus on what I needed to do. I focused on what I wanted to do. But for sure, I will never ever regret it.

I've grown the Devil Lock up on my head by the way. So far so good. Oh yeah!

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 10: Sandman Saturdays

2009-04-09T16:55:00.009+08:00

Exit light.
Enter night.
Take my hand,
Off to never never land.

March 7, 2009, Saturday, I was at the Skunk Studio somewhere in Pasig, Kapitolyo which was a 25-minute drive from Ateneo. It was almost 3:00 pm at the time and I was sitting inside the small and cramped up room. It was lighted with dimmers all around its corners and the whole place was quiet, which would be good if ever one needed time and space alone.

Well it was not really quiet. I was just deep in thought that I forgot all about the all-hail-the-almighty-mega-amplifier Kris was using and the cymbals and the toms and the double bass pedals Ayo was hitting on the drum kit. Primarily, I was there because Kris, and Ayo, his Western History classmate, had me sing their group project. They made this metal song about Rome versus Carthage and I was to growl the nine minutes of its entirety.

I jumped back to my thoughts after Kris asked me if I was okay. In fact, I was just reflecting about the 28th of February, exactly a Saturday ago, wherein the three of us in a band temporarily called My Chemical Romans (as an insult to Emo people) were still having a jam and practice session for the song we later produced as 'Catomania.'

It was around 1:00 pm when Kris and I arrived at Ayo's place. We immediately started working on the song for the second and the last time since Ayo had to leave at 2:30 and that the deadline of the project was coming in fast. They worked on the transitions and shifts in progressions and time signatures of the riffs and fills of the song while I tried to fit the lyrics they had and thought of how it would be delivered through death metal growling. As planned, we finished the ordeal at 2:30 pm and Kris and I went back to Ateneo to attend an AMP recital.

It was 3:00 pm flat when we entered the backstage of the Henry Lee Irwin theater. I was not supposed to be there because I was not an AMP member and the whole of AMP was still organizing and preparing for the show on that evening. Anyway, we met Rups, a bassist and at the same time our favorite drinking buddy, just as we entered. He grabbed the two of us and dragged us towards the stage for us to see the instruments and the guys who were playing them.

I was to watch the recital called 'Talaarawan' (diary) since Bianca had me buy a ticket. She was handling the PR department of the AMP recital back then so I was to see the fruits of her labor. Besides, some friends invited me to come over as well.

The moment Kris and I stepped down from the left stairs of the stage, we instantly noticed Ken, with a band mate whom I recall as someone named Paolo, sitting on the front row. Kris sat with them and took another seat for his guitar to rest on. There was only one remaining seat but when was about to take it, Ken suddenly interfered and said,

"Why are you seating here? You're not supposed to sit here. You're supposed to sit at the back," he said while pointing to the row of seats just behind him.

I looked to see why he was asking me to sit over there. So I trailed my vision from the first row, around the aisle, and then to the second row. Voila, when I was about to pick my ass a seat I saw Bianca seated on the first chair of the second row.

"Fucker," I told Ken. He would not let me sit with them so I got to get moving.

My brains fucked up for a second or two when I realized that the one sitting behind Bianca was Ian. He was smiling at me. I moved towards him but he immediately told me Ken's very lines I received just a moment ago, but this time, he made sure that Bianca heard what he was saying.

Since I did not drop a hello or something when I passed by Bianca, I moved over to the fourth row of seats and took the one just behind Ian. I know she noticed me even when I was still at the stage but stupid I was at the time I did not try to talk to her because 'I-wanted-to-keep-my-fucking-distance.' I kept talking to Ian though because I had to get my ass entertained to kill boredom. But when we were in the middle of a music and academic-related conversation, Bianca turned around and simply said,

"Hello, Mike."

I had enough of my self-asshole mode so I moved beside Ian to get a better talk with her. I couldn't resist 'cause she was goddamn beautiful at that time; well she always was. Her block mate Anton Magno came over and sat beside her though so the talk was interrupted for a while. Shortly afterwards, all those who were going to perform were called so that they could be told their final reminders. Ken, Kris, Paolo, Anton and Ian left, leaving only the two of us, Bianca and me, behind.

I moved beside her because I don't want her turning around and around every second. We had a great time and this opportunity was certainly a lot better compared to the 17th of February. This one, we were more open towards each other and everything was going well as if there were no hints of sadness and regrets about all the things we've talked upon during last week of February.

I loved her. I won't be able to find someone like her again in this goddamn world.

When we were talking I noticed the Anton guy looking at our direction. For a moment I thought he was going to throw me out of the theater for daring to sit beside Bianca. Ian was repeatedly giving me the thumbs up though. And Ken and Kris smiled whenever they chanced to glance by my direction.

When all AMP members were gathered, I sneaked out of the theater. It was 6:00 pm and I saw Cathy, an English classmate who sat right beside Jeimi, come down from the lights room. She said she wanted to eat although AMP members weren't allowed to go out anymore. We went out anyway and I brought her to McDonald's, my ever-favorite hang out place, and we had dinner. I talked about Bianca all the time though and Cathy had a good free taste of my entertainment. We purchased snacks at 7-11 and then we were off back to the theater again.

That's when I checked my phone and I saw that Bianca phoned me I think twice and she left me three text messages saying she was sorry she had to leave by my side when we were still in the theater because they were asked to be briefed. It was totally fine by me actually.

For some reason, when I got in the theater and the show was almost starting, I found a seat up front together with my friends, Aran, Lester, and Kris. The best thing with this was that I was sitting right beside Bianca. What the fuck? I did not really expect to find her but then there was an empty seat beside her and I took that chance.

I really enjoyed the evening although I kind of screwed up because I kept on telling Kris, who was seated next to me too, that Bianca was beautiful and I loved her and the same banana when all her friends were seated all around us. Pretty cool shit, eh?

I got to hang out with her at McDonald's at around 11:00 pm when the recital finished. It was a good show of bands but what really amazed me was Bianca's smile when she was happy about the recital as a whole.

We got a long table since many friends came along; all were guys though and Bianca was the only girl. There was Daniel, Aran, Lester, Kris, and Ken, and then the two of us. They weren't going to the after party and they'd rather have a chill night out.

I did treat Bianca with a cup of McFlurry. We both liked it, especially me, because every time I go to McDo I order one.

She was fetched at 11:30 pm and I could not walk her to her car else she's going to be 'killed' by her family. The guys went out playing Rockband™ after that but I opted to go home and have a good sleep for the rest of the evening although I so wanted to drink. I commuted home.

I've been thinking of her all the way to my room.

Even until that 7th of March. So it was my turn to record the vocals. It was nothing grand, really. It was a 15-minute run on growling and everything else was fine. Kris brought me home yet again after that but we had a meal at Ministop first.

It was 10:00 pm when I phoned Bianca. I was still at Kris' car at the time and I checked to see if she was enjoying her party. I was supposed to be at Kryptonight with her but I had to be at the studio. I dropped the idea of going to my organization's prom that same evening because it was late, and Bianca told me too that she couldn't come because I only told her about the event 3 days before when she has already planned for her party. She was not prepared yet, I remembered her explaining. If it would have been on an earlier note she would've came along with me on the prom.

Half a phone ring and,

"Hello."

"Hi Bianca. Hmmm, I thought you were going to the party? And that it's going to start at 9? Why is it quiet over there?" I noticed that she was in a really quiet place, too quiet that it might not even be a restroom at the party.

"Oh, I'm still at my place, preparing..."

"I see. Kris and I just finished the recording of our song. I'm sorry I couldn't go because my mom just wouldn't allow me. I'll make up for it next time."

"How about your prom?"

"I won't be going too. I texted a block mate and he said it would be over by 11:30 or 12:00 so there'd be no point of catching up at this time."

"Uhm, okay..."

"Have a great night Bianca. Take care," I cut in before she could say anything else.

"Thanks Mike, you too. Good night!" she sweetly responded.

"Buhbye!"

"Bye."

I hoped guys of 18 years of age especially me had a Sandman that would sprinkle sand over my eyes and put me to sleep. I've had enough of sleepless nights.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 9: Cloud Nine

2009-04-08T20:44:00.017+08:00

March started out pretty well with a little speech in my English class. We were asked to prepare for a speech regarding a defining moment in our lives. The very word 'defining moment' already blasted my nerves to one name: Bianca. Cheesy it may seem, it's absolutely true, I swear.

If it was not for Bianca I should have been an extremely good for nothing person by now. My life was a mess and every aspect of it seemed to be going on all directions. I was an absolute pessimist too. So really, I couldn't be any better than the guy right next to you that's been constantly pissing you off.

She served as my inspiration.

It was the 6th of March 2009, a Friday, and I was overly excited for my English class. As usual, it was yet again the highlight of the week as if all subjects were deemed insignificant. I wanted to be the first guy to talk about defining moments. There was a twist though. The night before, Kris and I went to a nearby flower shop called Flowerlics to check for the availability and price of roses. It was a major part of my grand master plan for my speech so I reserved three red roses, with each rose having a specific meaning.

Anyway, after my Science class, I intercepted Mrs. Oblepias some distance from Xavier hall. I rushed from SEC walk because I knew she will be holding a class at Bellarmine hall, the farthest college building around the campus, and that she would be in a hurry too since her class schedule would start 10 minutes just after my Science class. I simply got a permission to execute my ultimate epic win GG-fying tactic after my defining moment speech. After that, I went to Flowerlics with Kris and Jeimi to make the complete payment for the roses and the packaging.

Forward to my English class, I begged ma'am to kindly allow me to speak up first but she gave me the second slot so that I could breath well before the plunge. All that time though, Kris was hiding in the restroom just beside our classroom because I had him hold the roses so that Bianca would not see them coming.

I started out my impromptu in a carefree yet straightforward manner.

"Good afternoon everyone. Well I'm here to talk about my defining moment which is strongly connected to someone special to me, and which I assume you all guys know who..." I eagerly told in front of the class with a smug while looking at Bianca's direction.

I talked about how Bianca was very much influential to my life and how she sculpted my personality into something a lot better. I talked about how she showed me that an intimate attachment to a person could not just exist among family but to the people around you who have always been there for you. I talked about how we got close to one another and how we got to participate in each other's lives (but delved more on mine of course). But the best thing I talked about was the one spur-of-the-moment line I just blurted out towards the end - I don't know how I managed to keep the whole talk consistent, but perhaps I was able to do so because I delivered the speech sincerely and whole-heartedly.

"If she taught me one thing that I can never forget, it has to be dedication. The time I learned that reality, I changed, and from then on was a chain of consecutive defining moments of my life... And oh - before I end this little speech of mine I'd just like to give Ms. Bianca Arcega a little token of appreciation for everything - as my inspiration."

The whole class was like "Wooow!" and everyone seemed to be clapping already. I was afraid too that the noisy boys would initiate another noise party/barrage at the back. I stepped down from the platform and I told ma'am that I'm just going to get my gift from a friend waiting outside the room.

As I passed by Bianca's seat, which was the one by the door, I told her,

"Just you wait," with a smile. Hey, at least I did smile. I never do that.

Out of the classroom I was and at that same moment I saw Kris waiting outside, standing by the wall post near the door. He immediately approached me as soon as he saw me and he handed me the roses. I told him my utmost thanks and he exchanged it with a good luck and a high five. He bid me an "I'll be back" because he still had to do something else for his own ultimate epic win of killer GG tactics. Better ask Jeimi what happened.

When I returned inside the classroom all they needed was a metal band that would play in front because the whole place was a freaggin' moshpit. I asked for a moment of silence though because I needed to tell something to Bianca.

"Bianca, three roses... three words... for everything that you did to me." I moved closer to her, looked at the flowers, and looked back again at her deep, brown, mesmerizing eyes. I continued,

"I..."

The whole place was a moshpit again but the noise faded out as quickly as it came.

"Thank you," I told her with the best of my sincerity. She thanked me after I reached her the roses. Then, I went back up front to conclude my speech.

The class was happy although not satisfied; I don't know why. Perhaps they were expecting an "I love you." Hell yeah I fucking do. But as soon as I took my seat at the back and became baptized by the noisy boys with pats and punches, ma'am told Bianca to tell her speech as a follow-up response to mine. It was funny though because she joked in a way that I'm the one to be blamed because she had to tell hers already.

She told something personal and while delivering it, she cried. Her defining moment pierced through my heart not like a Cupid's arrow but a Herculean spear, that I thought I would not have the strength to bear such pain throughout my life, or if I was in the same situation I would have been a complete mess. But Bianca, oh Bianca, she was able to stand against the test of reality and standing up to it until now.

The moment she took her seat I immediately stood up and went to her, took out a handkerchief I specially prepared for her, and wiped her tears. As I told before, I had good vibes with the future, and this time, I predicted it right that she needed a hanky. I did not wipe her tears earlier because I did not want to interrupt her speech.

I wiped the tears from her right eye first. She then moved her face closer and I wiped her left eye. The next moment she pushed me away and then she laughed really hard. Perhaps she realized that we were still in front of the eyes of the classroom. A clown I was, I still reached her the handkerchief but she kept on casting me away. That was cute of her yet sweet.

When the class was dismissed she went with me, Jeimi and Kris to the NSTP mass at the Church of the Gesu where Jeimi and I had to go. Kris went with us for his GG tactic and Bianca went with us because she thought she needed to. She even told her driver to come to school around 6 pm. She was not required to go to, as she was informed though late, but she came along.

It was kind of funny because she was carrying roses. I told her that I had my own offertory for her. The mass went quite well because we saw some friends there and Martin even sat with us. After the mass, Jeimi and I had to sign for attendance and we made Kris and Bianca wait for the both of us to finish.

When we gathered again, Kris offered to have a fruit shake at Fruitas in the University Dormitory cafeteria but he had to 'get-his-money-at-his-car-so-that-he-would-be-able-to-treat-Jeimi' GG tactic so he tugged her along. Bianca and I went straight to the cafeteria and I ordered a mango banana for me and a watermelon for her.

When the two caught up with us and Kris already made his epic win, Bianca had to leave already because her driver just arrived. I walked her back to Xavier hall where she's supposed to be fetched. The whole time we were walking though, I did the whole talk. I told her that the defining moment speech I gave would be the last of my efforts I would be pitching in for the fate of my first love life. Regrets followed however because I saw her face sad, and it seemed as if she considered the whole deal a painful one for me. I said a goodbye when I closed her car door.

Kevin Pua was sitting at the Xavier hall benches and he saw what happened. Well in fact, he knows everything and anything about my story because he was one of the people I updated the most. I told him the sad farewell I just had, and his main response was,

"What the fuck? Dude..."

Again, he revived my will and my dedication towards Bianca. God, this guy's really an important friend to me because every single time I'm down, he throws me back up to Cloud Nine stability.

I thanked Kevin for that and I returned back to the University Dormitory cafeteria to hang out with Kris and Jeimi. They seemed to be enjoying their time so I sat on another table, leaving them with their moment. I was happy for them. He walked her to the dormitory afterwards.

Kris hung out with me since I wanted to sit on a bench in front of the Church of the Gesu and look upon the cross.

I was thinking. I was on the verge of giving up actually and I don't fucking know why. Pure genius.

Kris gave me a free ride home again.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 8: Zen Garden

2009-04-07T23:04:00.015+08:00

The next day, a Saturday, I hung out with Jeimi again for lunch. Due to some odd fate Bianca happened to see us and spent her time with us, leaving her block mates behind. I told her what happened after Eastwood, including the one where I almost got into a fist fight because of a fucking bottle of Red Horse.

I took out my notebook and I drew her. I got it pretty right though and I enjoyed looking at her again and again. I guess she did not. That's what I call quality time.

Towards the last week of February I tried to distance myself from her. We had three Y!M conversations during that week, all of which were initiated by her. At the evening of the 22nd towards the late midnight of the 23rd, we had this 5-hour-15-minute chat and I told her that I'm backing out. Where? Everything. Everywhere. Her.

Get ready for some drama. Suit yourself.

That's when I learned that she actually cared for me and that I'm not another insignificant fraction of her life story. Every time I tried to project myself as a happy and satisfied person all throughout the conversation, she always kept on asking me if I really was and she consistently doubted all my explanations. Then she shifted her approach to something more touching.

"You're a good friend so far and I enjoy your company. Let's just enjoy the friendship for now. You know, whatever you say right now, I know it hurts and I don't want to hurt you."

Well, that pretty much sums up what she told me on the earlier part of our conversation. She kept on telling me things of the similar story followed up by compliments I've never heard from a girl before. And they were all truthful and sincere which made me feel all beefed up, meaning, that I'm a good person after all. Also, she never ceased asking me if I was okay about withdrawing all my plans.

She killed me though. She said something like, "you're fine." I was stunned and GG-fied as I've always been.

She also added something like, "if I'm not stupid right now you could've gotten the chance."

And to finish me up, "you always make me smile and laugh, you keep me happy."

I was GG-fied twice with apeshit all over my balls. "If you're not there for me, I should've gone crazy by now."

Now that's thrice. Oh my lord.

In the middle of the conversation however, she said something that struck me.

Bianca (2/22/2009 11:18:17 PM): why can't he be like you?

"He."

Lucky guy.

Moving on, there's a paradigm shift when the clock crossed midnight.

"I still want to be friends with you. I now have a new group with you guys and I don't want to lose the friendships that have formed."

"Treat me as an acquaintance then."

"Why? No way. So you do really need space?"

"Well, to establish the barrier."

...

"No, Mike. If you want me to think that things will get better if we don't hang out anymore and the like, even if it'll make me sad, it would be fine by me."

"Not necessarily that way, Bianca. But why would it make you sad?"

...

"Mike, for once, even just for now, can you not think about me?"

"I can, why?"

"Tell me what you would want to tell me, now."

"I can't seem to choose the words."

"Michael Eric Acosta, sorry, I can't chill if you're going on like that."

Anyway, I tried to be as honest and sincere as possible. I've placed my full trust on her at the time and I believed every word she said. I just could not tell her though that I lied when I told her that I can not think of her for a moment - simply because I always do.

More confessions followed afterwards. I guess it was time to be holy. She always insisted though and made it sure that I was okay about everything I've been talking about. In the end, she was powerful enough to convince me,

"Okay fine I'm not withdrawing anymore and I'm taking back everything I've said. I've tried every possible effort to take you off my mind like drowning myself in useless thoughts and listening to more hardcore metal songs and everything else, but still, there's just you."

"Hahaha!"

It was a really long chat but that night was wonderful. I made an alibi that my mom was already scolding me in order to end the conversation though. But to tell the truth, I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to think.

Well aside from being gay at least I made sensible stuff with all my words.

This was one of the last chats we had for February. I didn't talk to her for a week over Y!M, and I've purposefully left my English and History classes early so that I would not get to hang out with her. I made excellent excuses whenever she asked me where I was. Actually, I was in hiding.

Thinking.

Of her.

February 27 and I made another move. We were asked to bring something that we are not for our English class. Then, we have to explain in front of everyone why.

I brought a piece of crumpled paper and written inside it was one of my literary pieces entitled 'The Art of Writing.' Anyway, I bluffed in front of the classroom that I'm not a crumpled paper because I am not useless - that each human being has meaning, and that meaning is given to you by someone else.

Okay that was fishy and everyone knows where it was going to lead to. So I made a spontaneous prank with the on-the-spot assistance of my English teacher.

"Ma'am, kindly allow me to go to this side of the platform so that I can read this piece of mine concealed in a crumpled paper to someone really special to me."

I moved just in front of Bianca, opened the crumpled paper, and said,

"Guys, uhm please keep silent because I need your cooperation so that I would be successful with my plan today," I told the whole class before I started out.

"Dear Bianca," I slowly and romantically delivered. The whole class was having a noise barrage, especially my beloved supporters at the back, Ralph, Vince Mikko, and Dan. Everyone was like "weeewoooweeewaaahh" whatever.

I was supposed to say something like "I just want to tell you that... that... uhhh-- I kid. But I like you, Bianca." But then, I forced myself to stop the joke before I unleash chaos in the classroom. Instead, I said,

"Kidding!" with a big grin on my face.

I saw Bianca all red and she was trying to cover her face. She was smiling too, consequently making her stomp on the floor continuously while sitting. The next moment she was already scratching her head with both hands, with her face having the expression of, "MIIIIIIIKE!!!" Haha that was cute. Everyone was looking at her direction.

I think I did not talk to her after the class. I just left.

I stay late in school not to go to McDonald's anymore, which was what I always did before, but to spend my time lying down in a bench at the Zen Garden, a quadrangle enclosed by the Kostka hall, the Berchman's hall, the Gonzaga hall/cafeteria, and the EDSA walk that leads to Xavier hall, which brought back all the memories.

I spent my time looking at the night sky, enjoying the tranquility and serenity of the place, because I liked to think. I never thought that there would be such a place in Ateneo that would grant me such chance.

Yes Bianca, I've always been thinking of you, and I will always do.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 7: Seventh Heaven

2009-04-06T23:50:00.014+08:00

The month of February granted me additional birthdays other than October 23. Every other night I got to talk to her over my life partner called Yahoo! Messenger. I always saw her around school too. Every time I chanced to bump into her, I tried to make the most out of it.

There came a point too that I was very much straightforward towards her that I've shared to her what I really feel without hesitation. It was late in the evening of the 6th of February 2009 to the early hour of the 7th that I directly told her every inch of my heart. She admired my courage. I realized though that I was too frank but hey, what's done is done. We've been in good terms and positive vibes ever since and that was when we became more than acquaintances or friends.

1.) It was the 13th of February and my Science class just ended. These were the days when I wasn't hanging out with Ken anymore, but with Kris and Jeimi. I was working for the two back then for reasons only the three of us knew, especially Kris who was my new found buddy. We saw Bianca pass by SEC walk at around 2:30 pm and I finally decided that I should purchase roses and whatnot for her since there was a sort of Valentine's bazaar in school. Unfortunately the booth where I was expecting flowers ran out of supply which left me supremely pissed.

It was roughly 3:00 pm when Jeimi found another booth selling roses. That was the key riff to the melody of my success. The rose was the last thing I bought for Bianca, together with a Valentine's card, three heart balloons, and a heart-shaped chocolate.

Jeimi and I entered our English classroom earlier than usual because I had my grand master plan - I left all my Valentine's stuff on Bianca's table and had Jeimi look over so that the gifts would be left untouched until Bianca steps inside the room. It was successful in the end because Bianca thanked me thrice and she personally told me that she appreciated every bit of it. I was literally jumping in joy after I handed her all the gifts when she entered her car and went home.

2.) Valentine's day itself and I was sitting alone on the benches just outside the cafeteria around 11:50 am because I was waiting for Jeimi. We usually hang out during Saturday lunch breaks for reasons only we knew as well. As I was texting her where I was, Bianca just passed in front of me together with her block mates and she waved a little hello, smiling.

"Happy Valentine's, Bianca!" I triumphantly pronounced with my ever-majestic and all-glorious big mouth, making sure that people looked at my direction to show them how stupid I was.

"Happy valen-blrousogrh-shi-- hahahaha!" she laughed out because she was not able to correctly pronounce the greeting. Her smile was just ever GG-fying.

Anyway, Jeimi came over to my spot and I told her Bianca was just inside the cafeteria. We peeked and we saw her sitting at a table nearest the entrance, where our bench outside was nearest too. The next moment, she came over and told us why we were sitting on the benches and not inside the caf.

"It's cool here," I said.

She went back inside to sit with her blockmates, but in a little while she came out again.

"I'm going to eat," she told us, which to me sounded as if she was inviting us to be with her, but Jeimi and I were already done with our lunch so we told her we were full. She went back inside again and had her lunch with her block mates.

20 minutes elapsed and she returned, and she sat between me and Jeimi. Jasper was already with us at the time, sitting to my right. To my left was Bianca.

"I'm bored with my block mates," Bianca abruptly told us, and she instantly looked at me afterwards.

"You can hang out with us," I cooly responded, knowing that something was fishy and that this was another GG opportunity. I did not assume or anything of the like though. I introduced her to Jasper too. She then slouched comfortably on our bench and we conversed for the next 20 minutes.

Apparently, all of us had to leave but her because we all had NSTP insertions. It was a truly happy time with her because I kept on beefing up random jokes and/or pick-up lines that were quite amusing. It saddened me though because I saw in her eyes that the time we spent with her was not enough and that she put on a sad face when we were walking away. I waved a last goodbye for the day and turned around.

Happy Valentine's.

3.) February 16, 2009 was when I intercepted her after our English class and handed over a small pack of Ferrero Rocher for her to enjoy as a Post-Valentine's gift. I learned that she did not really like sweets, but she thanked me for giving so much, saying that she can't give all those back.

"No need, the mere fact that you spend your time with me is more than enough," I explained. I walked her to Xavier hall for her to be fetched by her driver.

4.) The 17th of February was an epic Tuesday because my History class was cut into 15 minutes since my teacher was not feeling well, and she had to cancel all her classes that day including Bianca's. But, she asked us to get a copy of the assigned readings for the new lesson. I got a copy for me, for Ian and for Bianca since I felt like doing so.

What ticked me off was that the Kostka photocopier literally took ages before it printed out the three copies. I had to cut my PE class and delay my lunch just to wait for the goddamn readings. However, I was cheered up since Bianca texted me a little thank you. She acquired my number from Jeimi who told her that I got History readings for her photocopied.

From 9:30-1:30 I've been sitting on a bench nearest the photocopier. I was with Jeimi then and her block mate Martin happened to pass by and sat with us for a little chat. I was introduced and I learned that he was a bassist so we had a good talk about music. At 10:20 and at 10:30 Ian and Bianca came over respectively. Martin left since he still had classes, and Ian and Jeimi left at around 11:00 pm because they too had somewhere else to go. By that time the copies still weren't printed, but it was extremely fine, well, extremely excellent, since I was with Bianca. Ultimate epic win of killer GG opportunities led me to cutting all my classes for the day.

At 12 noon Ken and Jasper happened to pass by our spot and that's when I fulfilled my promise to Ken that I'd introduce him to Ms. Bianca Arcega. They did not hang out with us though because they still had to go somewhere and they 'gave me my moment.'

"Fuck you lucky asshole. How long have you been with her?" Ken whispered to me while they were walking away.

"More than you'd ever imagine."

Bianca and I got our copies at around 1:30 pm and Martin passed by again. We invited him over to have lunch at the cafeteria. I opted to cut my Theology classes just to hang out with Bianca, and we all enjoyed the whole time we were with each other. Bianca had to leave at around 2:30 because she still had a processing session for NSTP.

5.) Wednesday, the 18th, I told Bianca that I had to draw her as a model for a project poster of my block mate. I was kidding her because I knew she wouldn't agree but she did. That was it man. It had to be after our English class though.

"What if you just take a picture of me or grab a picture online so that you won't have a hard time drawing me?"

"A sound idea," so I took out my camera and aimed the lens at her. However, she covered her face when I was doing so.

"I don't like being in a picture alone."

Kris and Ralph, who were with us at the time, insisted that I sit beside her and have a picture or a dozen.

Apparently, 10 minutes was not enough for a sketching period. Bianca and I had some errands to attend to. I asked her out though with the condition that we both finish early with what we had to do; we'd be going together with Kris and Jeimi at McDonald's.

I did finish really early but Jeimi had to go to her place else she'd be scolded by her parents. Kris walked her there since she was staying at the University Dormitory. The time they left though was the time Bianca came over. Everything did seem really fishy since it was just the two of us but I carefully explained and elaborated to her the situation and she was laughing.

She told me she can't go to McDo because her driver's almost at school so we just hung out at the Kostka benches for 30 minutes or so. Just when she was leaving, Kris came back and Bianca offered us a ride to McDo. We weren't supposed to take it but she forced us to. I spent the rest of the evening with Kris, planning what to do on the 20th since Bianca told me that she'd like to hang out at Eastwood for Friday night.

6.) February 19 and I never expected that we'd meet. She usually comes in just on time for her History class but this epic Thursday she came in early in a hot pink attire and I got to talk to her. It was a 30-second conversation though, and she told me she just wanted a spur-of-the-moment Friday night - no plans or the like.

I made a blog entry for her that night, which can be found here. I was inspired to do so because she posed a smile that melted my balls away when we looked at each other eye to eye earlier that day. And her smile... I knew she was happy seeing me. Oh yes.

7.) I came to school to sit in at Kris' History class at 11:30-12:30 pm. But then, he said he was going home because he'd be dressing up for the night. I agreed with him so he brought me to my place first to get clothes and we headed for lunch before going to his place.

We were there for only an hour to prepare. I did cut my Science and English classes that day since our plan was to pick up Bianca and Jeimi at 4:30 pm flat.

In polos and formal shoes we arrived as planned and the girls were laughing why the hell we were pumped up. Anyway, Bianca had to go to somewhere else first to print out tickets for the upcoming AMP recital so she said that the rest of us go ahead and wait for her and that she won't take too long.

We were at Eastwood, enjoying the moment at DQ and waiting for Bianca at the same time. She arrived shortly and we went straight to the cinemas to get tickets for Bianca's request: Confessions of a Shopaholic. It was a really good movie and we all enjoyed it. Mine was an exceptional enjoyment because half of the time she was the one I've been watching. And her laugh was just a quarter of my inner laughter due to extreme admiration. Just imagine me laughing deep inside.

We had dinner at Yellow Cab with Bianca's choice too of New York's Finest. Well, I always forced her to choose. We enjoyed the rest of the night, as in super enjoyed it, since it was an ultimate GG quality time with each other. My expenses and Kris' too never worried us at that moment considering that we handled all the treats. Words would not be enough to express such state of GG happiness.

We left Bianca at Eastwood since she stayed at a condominium nearby. Kris and I brought Jeimi to her place afterwards and that's when Kris got GG-fied for reasons only we knew too. After that, I wanted to have a drink.

I realized something.

Kris did treat me that evening with a bucket of beer and then he brought me home.

"You've had too much of bringing me home lately," I told him.

"It's totally fine. I'm just bringing you home; but you, you brought me to paradise."

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 6: Denouement Of Intricacies

2009-04-05T21:52:00.017+08:00

The heart is like a yoyo. No matter how much power and effort you exert in throwing it away, there will be a point where it will stop moving away from you. It will spin at the extended end of the length of its thread then it will retract back to your mortal hand. The only way to break away from one's heart is to cut the thread that binds your soul and humanity - but the heart and the body are forever bound together which totally forfeits a human being the capacity of throwing his heart away.

Every time I put myself into first gear, I always shift to reverse afterwards. I don't know why but it seemed as if I did not have enough willpower to move up into second gear. I don't even know if I've accelerated already.

January 16 was the day after I returned to God, seriously. For some reason though, he gave me something I never outrageously wished or at least expected for my whole lifetime: a grand Facebook invitation, from you-know-who ehem Bianca ehem.

Ok so that was dumbfounding, but really, I was literally flying around my room with stupid fancy grooves that I don't even know if such moves even existed or what. It was the first day I talked to her online and it was through this little Facebook chat window that I was able to peek into the infinity of her inner beauty. After that, I added her up at Multiply, thinking it was safe enough to be seen at her site's viewing history. So everything was fun, well at least for me.

January 17, 2009. I saw Bianca that Saturday lunch break in front of the cafeteria. I was with Japs back then and the foolmonger fooled me into approaching her. Well, she was discussing with her friends at the time and perhaps they were deciding where to eat. Japs and I had a deal then-

"Mike, if you'd be able to approach Bianca NOW and hold her in the shoulders with both of your hands and say a hello, I'd fucking treat you with utmost kingship from now on."

"Fucker. Fine."

Carried away at the time, I sneakily approached behind Bianca, grabbed her on both shoulders and pulled her closer to me.

"Boo! Hello Bianca."

She turned her head around but she did not distance herself from me so the next moment I was already looking at her face to face.

"Hi Mike."

I was taken aback. Where, were, my balls? I think I lost them again after the incident. I just released my grip on her and then quickly walked away with embarrassment after doing such a stupid fucking thing in front of her friends. I returned to my seat beside Jap though.

"Why did you fucking do that?!" Japs exclaimed in shock too.

"You fucking piece of an asshole! You fucking told me and had a goddamn deal with me!" I retorted, although I liked the whole embarrassment, especially the moment when I looked at her and she looked at me and smiled. Why do I always get GG-fied for shit's sake?

There was no kingship shit whatsoever after I've done the deal, so fuck Japs for that.

That evening I sent Bianca an apology message at Facebook. I never did stuff like this before, but hell yeah it turns out I'm going to be a good, obedient brute to self-conscience and self-respect. Everything turned out to be fine though because she replied that my little cafeteria surprise was just ok.

I added her up at Yahoo! Messenger during the evening of the 21st of January. We've been chatting at Facebook about our McDonald's adventure after the History talk we went to that day (as told in the previous chapter) because Ian sent her a text message saying Mike-loves-you or something of the same banana. She told me she's signing out at Facebook in the middle of the conversation and that she'd rather have me add her up at Y!M, so I did without any hesitation. That was the first Y!M conversation I had with her. At least I made sense all throughout and I gave an early goodbye before I ran out of words to say. That same day was my voltaic volta which was another additional intricacy to my yet meaningless existence.

There have been many intricate details going around cyberworld which left me boggled regarding what has been happening between Bianca and me. I asked the aid of Jeimi for this since she once mentioned this ARSA Variety Show that I should definitely go to. It's a school event and she told me that she would convince Bianca to go to the show with an alibi that our English class will be bonding and hanging out there, but in the end it would only be the two of us. I STRONGLY AGREED.

Fast forward to the 30th of January 2009, it was Mark, Jeimi and me hanging out at the ARSA Variety Show. At some point we met Ralph and Kris along our walkathon.

Kris, Ralph's buddy, sat in at our English class once during December 2008 but he was sent out due to the increasing noise party in our area at the back of the room. Hell yeah I couldn't forget that guy, especially because he was a dedicated heavy metal fanatic like me and he had long hair. And oh, he was an ultimate guitar shredder too.

It was a fun night actually. I even had free eight cans of San Miguel Strong Ice. I consumed four of them straight and then I got my ass a can after can freebie until I piled up to eight and there was no goddamn alcohol effect - it was as boggling as the deep night sky of that silent 30th of January from the view of the cab's window I was riding home at around 11:30 pm. I hoped Bianca was looking at the same starry sky that time if she chanced to be in an open area during her party at Alchemy.

The first month after I set loose into reality and dispensed into action my new year's resolution of pursuing her ended up making myself puzzled if I really am making a resolution or if I'm making something that needed a resolution.

So you may ask what the hell is wrong with me. As early as this I already admitted to myself that she was out of my fucking league. But still, I'm up for it.

True enough, the heart is like a yoyo. No matter how much power and effort you exert in throwing it away, there will be a point where it will stop moving away from you. It will spin at the extended end of the length of its thread then it will retract back to your mortal hand. The only way to break away from one's heart is to cut the thread that binds your soul and humanity - but the heart and the body are forever bound together which totally forfeits a human being the capacity of throwing his heart away.

I can never throw mine.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 5: Volta

2009-04-04T22:16:00.013+08:00

My mom pushed me to have a haircut before the year 2009 started because she wanted me to look 'clean.' On the opposite, I wanted to look messy. Clean cuts just don't appeal to me because they are way too simple. A messy hairdo is kind of jolly because you wouldn't know where each strand is going to grow to and in what certain direction it will lead to.

Anyway, 2009 had a generic kick-off starting with new resolutions that just don't happen and are only there to laugh at. Trust me, no one succeeds in achieving their resolutions.

For one thing, I was having this speech in front of my English class on the day of our return to school after the Christmas break and I promised I'd grow the Devil Lock considering that I underwent a significant hair length loss. Deep inside, I promised to myself too that I'd be going for Bianca. And this time, I was extremely sure.

Initially, my crush on her was just a joke. I mean, I did not really like her that much. I just found her attractive. But after the Merry Christmas Atom Bomb she dropped into my heart, I was able to peek into her eyes and see a totally different side of hers - which was pure goodness.

I changed.

I drifted away from Ken and Jasper. I stopped having lunch with them at our favorite place, Manang's, partly because Ken was becoming busier by the moment and that Jasper was hitting on someone, probably. Besides, I wanted to be alone. I did not hang out much with my block mates as well 'cause I really felt distant to them. I have a completely different schedule and I'm taking different core subjects because I was delayed with my units.

After a week of being solitary, particularly the first week of January, I realized that the whole idea of being alone sucked so I tried hanging out with people again, but this time, with new ones. There was this time when I told Mark, a block mate, to hang out with me at the Kostka benches on the ground floor of the building 30 minutes before my English class. The moment we sat there, Jeimi, an English classmate of mine who was Bianca's seatmate, just came out of Berchman's hall and was walking towards Kostka. I called her attention.

"Jeimi!" I shouted. That was kind of stupid because I got everyone's attention instead of only hers.

"Hey Mike!" she responded when she got closer.

That was the first time I really talked to her for more than 5 seconds. At first, I thought she was snobbish and all that. But no, in fact she was super friendly. Anyway, the reason why I called her was because I felt that she's going to talk to Bianca before our English class that day for their research paper. My predictions were accurate though because in a matter of minutes Bianca was already hanging out with us. It was an ultimate epic win of killer GG tactics (if ever you understood that) since I spent like 20 minutes chatting with the girls.

We went to our class just as the bell rang. It was a hot Wednesday of the 21st of January. I opened the door of our English classroom for the girls to get in. That was gentlemanly of me but I loved the job. The whole time though, I was looking at Jeimi and Bianca's direction since I realized I earned an upper hand towards Bianca because I felt Jeimi was her best friend on that class. I did not realize that 50 minutes had elapsed since the bell suddenly rung, and from there I immediately transposed my ultimate epic win of killer GG tactics into action just when we were dismissed.

"Hey Bianca, are you going to the History talk our teacher assigned us to attend today?" I asked in high spirits, taking notice that Mikko and Vince were cheering and all that shit at the background.

"Uhm yes, are you going too?" she responded carefully. Well, she had this careful tone that sounds as if she's really choosing every word she says.

"Yes! That's great! But before that, I'm going to print out an attendance slip at the CTC Comp Lab because Ma'am wants us to submit one," I replied immediately.

"Oh, I need one too! Let's go and print out two copies," Bianca told me while we were descending from the 3rd floor of the Kostka hall. Ralph was with us that time and he was constantly teasing me. I enjoyed it though because Bianca found the whole situation weird yet entertaining.

When Ralph parted ways, Bianca and I printed out copies of the attendance slip and then we went straight to the talk for our History class. I was shy back then since I could not spontaneously open up a topic to talk about but we both had a great time entertaining each other with our life stories.

One and a half hours full, I was with Bianca all throughout the talk. Ian was there too. But still, Bianca and I were together on one side of the room. There were no more seats so I sat on the floor; she does not want to. I had her bag on my lap though so that she'd be carrying no load while standing up. I don't know how she lasted the whole period but I knew it left her exhausted. That's when I told Ian that I want to treat the both of them a snack after the talk.

"Ian! Tell Bianca that we'll be going to McDonald's!" I whispered to his direction, making sure that Bianca was not taking any notice to our conversation.

"Bianca, let's go to McDo after this! Go go go! Come with us, will you?" he told Bianca just after I told him the grand idea.

Anyway, we ended up each having a simple Burger McDo Value Meal and a hot fudge sundae after a 10-minute walk to McDonald's Katipunan which was right in front of the Ateneo. I willingly shouldered all expenses since I really wanted to make a simple treat to this gorgeous English classmate of mine. I ordered an additional Cheeseburger Mcdo Value Meal for her driver too, and the whole time we were on the counter we were almost leaning to each other. I felt those envy eyes around me.

Shortly afterward, she was fetched by her driver. I brought her to her car, opened the door for her, and reached her the take-out bag of the Burger Mcdo Value Meal and the hot fudge sundae she's been munching on.

The rest of the evening was a quality bonding time with Ian and I was telling him how much I was 'in love' with Bianca until we were almost home.

Speaking of quality, Ian texted Bianca when we were somewhere in Marcos highway.

"Mike loves you," he straightforwardly said.

"Haha you guys are weird," she immediately replied.

Goddamn it the night was fucking unforgettable.

I changed.

It was a night of volta with the person I totally fell in love with. Better ask me the very details of that night 'cause they remain sharp in my memory, and I'd rather share them personally, else I'll take another chapter.

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[Click to go to the next chapter.]

Chapter 4: Jingle Bells

2009-04-03T21:27:00.021+08:00

I learned from Angel, a former block mate who shifted to a different course, and who at the same time was an English and PE classmate, that she's taking the same Science class with Bianca. I realized then that if I did not alter my History class schedule and if I did alter my Science class slot, I could have been classmates with Bianca for three subjects - which equates to Bianca five times a week. Oh man.

During these times everything was just superficial. I'm just fooling around since I know I could not get any closer to this girl and that I don't even know if I'm feeling the right thing or whatnot towards her. As far as I know it was just a plain crush.

I started to notice her around school, like for example, I happened to pass by Xavier hall during one Tuesday noon because I had a free cut for my PE class and there she was, waiting for her driver. I got to chat with her for a short while at that time because we both had our first History long test that same day. We had the same teacher and the same History course; we only differ in the time slot. It was a blissful moment talking to her nevertheless and I thanked Jasper, a high school classmate, for walking me around Xavier hall else I could not have gotten the chance of juggling my balls.

I usually had lunch with Ken and Jasper, and the two other guys have always been talking about a certain Karen whom I referred to as 'Miss K' before, which was a classmate of mine in two subjects and each of them having her as a classmate on one.

As for me, I only talked about Bianca Arcega. They told me anyway that they tried to stalk her before after having the chance of seeing her on one AMP (Ateneo Musician's Pool) meeting. Ever since I informed them that Bianca was my classmate they seemed to be always willing to walk me to my English class. We continued our talk anyway and the discussion they had went something like this-

"Bullshit, I can't find Bianca's Multiply site. Does she even have one?"

"I tried searching her on her block mate's contacts list. No goddamn trace..."

"What if you type her name on the Multiply search bar?"

"Stupidest idea I've ever heard, you fuckhole. Where is your fucking brain!?!"

"How about asking that block mate Anton Magno straight up?"

"Just... Ah shit. Kindly fuck off please?"

"Nah, I found her Friendster before, but still that wasn't good enough. No fucking content!"

"As if that's going to help."

"Ever tried Google? That's the basic step. Haha."

"How about you try giving up?"

"What the fuck? She's a beauty, a hidden one."

"She has a Facebook account, morons, so most likely she has a Multiply account," I occasionally blurted out in the middle of their argument since I tried searching her once at Facebook. I did not add her up though since we weren't really friends but mere acquaintances. Besides I still did not had the guts to do so back then, and if ever I did so, it would all be too fishy adding up an acquaintance on Facebook. What would that be for? -- Simple stalking.

I've seen her during Saturdays too. Whenever I'm having lunch with my block mates I always had this alibi tour around the cafeteria. I always invite a block mate, Japs, to walk with me to buy a can of coke or a glass of cold coffee or whatever - just to have the mere opportunity of surveying the faces of the cafeteria in the hope of detecting my goddess. Aloha! I saw her once sitting on a table next to ours. I think she saw me since she kept looking at my direction, perhaps wondering if she'd be having the chance of saying a small hello. But then, rowdy my guy block mates were, who also kept on looking at her, I just dropped the idea of approaching her.

Those assholes, I could've starred my ass. But no, one block mate of mine named Marco even stood up and walked a little distance to have a good look at Bianca for 5 seconds. He returned to his seat which was just behind Bianca's and made sure that everyone heard his in-depth analysis and comprehensive comments about the girl. Fucking cunt.

I later knew that these Saturday lunch breaks of hers would be with her block mates too. Oh well. I cannot grab those opportunities unless I'd be willing to risk being shamed in front of many people. In times like this, I needed a better technique.

This girl-radar attitude is quite normal for guys. I mean, we do it all the time. It's just that, Bianca started to earn a higher priority for me and a better signal on my radar. For some odd reason, I started to change too. I saw that she was a really nice person, and as I've known her so far she is a good girl. I started to delve into this good side of mine with respect to my goal of being at least a friend to her. That was a total 'wow' because I never believed that such a thing could happen to me - change.

If it wasn't Ken and Jasper, or Japs, or other close friends I'm sharing my hopeless case story, it would always be Andz and Nikka. They're in a really good relationship and they always tried to tip me on how to approach a girl like Bianca. There's also Kevin Pua who was always there for me for reasons only the two of us knew.

My life then was an ultimate combo of Bianca + Bianca + Bianca + Successful History long test + Bianca + Bianca + Successful Accounting long test + Bianca + Bianca + Bianca + Science killer test + Bianca + Bianca + Hangout moments with Ken and Jasper + SEC walk happiness + Bianca + Everything else + Bianca. God, that was eerily scary. If I were Bianca I would've been frightened to my panties. I realized however that I had no intention but goodness towards her. I simply wanted to be friends. That's all. Trust me, I'm a guy. I tell the truth.

I've also been sharing this infatuation with Ian and Angel too. So really, the world knows my side of the story. Hers however remained a mystery to me.

Some time in December we had this little library tour for our English class. I was looking at her all the time and Vince and Mikko were always behind me, trying to tip me where to position myself to have the optimal view of Bianca's beauty. Those moments, I was still unsure if I should approach her or not. After the tour though, Mrs. Oblepias gave a free time for the remaining minutes of the period for us to finalize the reference cards we were going to submit that day.

I saw Bianca leaving the library and walking towards ma'am who was sitting on a bench right across the entrance of the building. I walked Bianca there and that was an opportunity because I got to talk to her for a whole minute. She told me her driver's still on the way so she had to hang around. Our conversation was just simple and a little pointless to tell the truth. I really had nothing to say and I was blabbing shit about how stressful English was. She kept on agreeing though and she was cute while doing so; but still, we were shy towards each other. Well, awkward.

When she left, she looked back. I looked at her, but a stupid guy I was I didn't walk with her to Xavier. I walked on another direction - towards McDonald's. I didn't have the guts to approach her again. Vince and Mikko were shouting at me,

"Shit man, what the fuck are you doing?"

"Nah, it's fine. Besides, it's too early. I should not be walking her... Yet," I answered back before I left., not knowing if I should be regretting things or what.

It was roughly 5:20-5:30 pm of December 19, 2008 when I saw her leave the cafeteria. I immediately ran after her leaving my friends behind. I guessed it right that she was on her way to Xavier hall to be picked up. When I caught up with her,

"Bianca!"

"Hey!"

We were walking at a rapid pace because she was in a hurry. I just asked about the progress of her English paper, a paper which killed us with the artistic art of making lots and lots of bibliography shit. At the end of it all, I asked her where she's headed.

"Uhm, Xavier, I'm going home..."

"Ah, I see. I'm still going to find my lost... pen... at Kostka. I think I left it there..." I replied.

Pen my fucking ass, Mike. What a really terrible and lame excuse to walk her towards Xavier. Anyway, I didn't really walk her there. I said a goodbye when we were nearing Kostka where I'm supposed to find my 'lost pen' for shit's sake.

"Merry Christmas!" she called back at me when she glanced where I was going. Shit man. That was sweet. How can I forget to greet her? It's the holidays already Santa balls.

"Merry Christmas too!" I shouted back at her. Then in a split second she was gone. Her petite silhouette moved behind a wall and I simply dropped by the restroom to talk to myself in front of the mirror, when I was supposed to, as I mentioned, find my fake fucking pen.

"Why are your balls jingled, Mr. Knucklehead?"

Of course, not literally.

I walked back to the cafeteria afterwards and I told to my friends the short misadventure of Mr. Mike Acosta. There were many things that happened later on that night, like my brother's Christmas party at the Ateneo High School, which was a walking distance, and me and my uncle blasting our way to an eat-all-you-can/buy-what-you-can stall-hopping in front of the Church of Gesu, and Joseph, a high school classmate, giving me a set of books to read which are all about God as a Christmas gift, and Chantal-Denise, a friend from the University of the Philippines coming over to Ateneo with some friends for a drinking session, and so on and so forth.

The one to take note of was Bianca's small Merry Christmas that was all too precious. It was the best Christmas gift I had so far. Whatever. I almost died because I missed seeing her all throughout the Christmas break.

Happy new year, jingled ball.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 3: The Real Deal

2009-04-02T23:57:00.017+08:00

I've been growing this hairdo my idol Randy Blythe, the vocalist of the metal band Lamb of God, had. I Googled it and it was called the Devil Lock. It originated from a 1970s punk band called The Misfits which was later adapted by a 1980s to early 2000s metal band called Pantera, specifically the vocalist Phil Anselmo, which were all idols of Randy respectively. The Devil Lock just looked so cool I wanted it so badly.

November 14, 2008.

By this time though, I still was not sure if my parents are going to agree with my plan of growing a Devil Lock. And during this time too, I still was not sure if I myself am going to agree with my plan of pursuing Bianca.

It was Friday, the last school weekday for the first week of classes (since I still had Saturday classes), and I realized that my Wednesdays and Fridays are pretty much free since my LS classes are only held on Mondays. Science this time was a lot better since I got to keep a seat at the back of the classroom where I can have a full view of all the other 83 students together with my seatmate Ken who was just beside me looking at someone we later knew as, hmmm, 'Miss K.' We did nothing more than girl-hunt for a full 50 minutes, which was all about Science of seriously horny people.

After that we simply hung out at SEC walk as usual (which was what we did ever since our freshman year) and I told him about this gorgeous English classmate of mine named Bianca. He was intrigued with this that he told me he wanted to see this girl sometime.

"Don't worry, if I get to know her I'd bring you with me and introduce you as a very good friend and a very skilled guitarist," as if I'd be having such chance in a lifetime.

"P^@%*$#!!!" he sweetly retorted.

Time flied by so quick that I instantly found myself stressed with the upcoming debate as I was standing right in front of Kostka room 304, our English classroom. As soon as I entered the room I searched for Bianca but I guess she's coming in late. I took my seat at the back but at that exact moment she came in. Shit, if only I peed at the restroom for like 2 goddamn seconds I could have gotten a chance of having a small chat with her.

Later that period the class was divided into two teams and each was to defend a side of the motion. That was pretty big a group considering that there are thirteen members per team. I was shocked to learn though that I'm one of the only three who prepared for the debate in our power group. Wow I was too enthusiastic for English class.

We huddled in a circle of chairs. I took the seat right in front of Bianca just so you know and Vince sat right beside me. On his right is Tine, and we were the only three who actually prepared speeches. Ralph served as an adjudicator up front because he came in late.

"To all those gorgeous ladies of this group, go speak up. You hold our group's success." This was an automatic shout-out of mine since I couldn't help but make noise. I chanced to glance at Bianca and I saw her trying not to smile too much or at least laugh. No, she was laughing, silently. That was epic; I was able to entertain her with the randomness of my big mouth. The whole group was all too quiet and it was just me and Vince making the noise.

There was no verdict at the end of the debate but I talked my ass all throughout with philosophical musings. I was happy not because I performed quite well (in my own stupid standard) but because I saw Bianca smile. Now that's what we call a GG performance. I wished that day that I could see that smile of purity again.

Indeed.

Four days after that, November 18, 2008, a Tuesday, my History class just ended when the bell rung. The whole class was dismissed and people started moving out. I was still fixing my bag on the floor. Thinking that it would be easier if it was on my table, I tried to lift it towards my desk but at that same moment a woman's bag landed on my desk area.

"What the fucking ape shit is this? Can't she see that I'm fixing my fucking bag else I'm going to be late for my PE class?" I calmly and slowly told myself.

But when I looked to see who the woman was, I was shit-struck. I dropped my bag. Yep, it was Bianca, to the farthest horizons of my amazement and I was terribly in shock.

"Hello, English block mate!" she said, with the most killer of smiles and I could not help but let my goddamn jaw fall down helplessly and let it hang loose leaving my mouth wide open. Her beautiful face was all too much for my mortal eyes to look at, and her deep brown eyes were mesmerizing, and her sincere smile, with her aura of cheerfulness, were all too angelic in nature. Add to that the fact that she was leaning towards me and her hands were clasped together behind her. Astonishingly cute.

I think my tongue was having a good look at her too since my mouth was still open like a cave.

My balls melted in happiness. My balls were slowly cooked and heated to their boiling point. My balls were gone.

5 whole seconds of awe...

"H-h-h-hee-l-ll-lloo-ooo, B-b-b-iii-ancaa-aa," I stammered, as if there's crapshit all over my face. I tried to gain my consciousness and dragged myself back to reality. There's this train of thought full of wonders whirling within my brains. I was completely stunned at the time and I needed to get a brain fart else I'll be fully desecrated together with my dignity. Every time I remember that incident I still fall stunned with such beautiful memory.

There's a good and a bad thing that happened next. The good: there's this guy who called her attention and tried to get a chat with her, leaving me time to shake off. The bad: I cannot talk to her anymore because the guy was a goddamn mouth-mounted machine gun. Nah, I was just jealous.

As I was picking up my bag, someone familiar too entered the room. From my seat just beside the door, I realized it was Ian, someone who lives near my place. I talked to him and immediately told him how goddamn-the-frozen-shit-was-all-over-my-ass experience was a moment ago. He guessed it correctly though. Indeed. I liked Bianca.

She was still looking at me. Two meters away she was talking with the military mouth but her eyes were on me. We both knew we had an unfinished talk but then I could not wave a goodbye or whatever. I just stepped out of the room and waved at Ian instead. I looked back at Bianca one last time with eyes of ooops-i-gotta-go-see-you-around.

That was not just right, but still, the whole experience left my heart pounding and my soul soaring in paradise. I was out of Kostka room 302 not just to start off Asian History for the semester but off to venture to a new history of my life.

I immediately went to the restroom and looked at the mirror, washed my face a couple of times, stared into my own eyes, and asked myself, "Dude, are you backing out?"

No fucking deal, moron.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 2: November Rain

2009-04-01T23:55:00.017+08:00

She is exquisitely beautiful. I swear to my ass and my grandfather's ass and the ass before him that I have never seen a girl like her around school.

November 12, a significant Wednesday that was...

"Uhhh, fuck you, she's just another girl-next-door so don't get your ass screwed by her all too beautiful face," I told myself in front of a mirror in the restroom of the third floor of Kostka, the building where we hold our English classes. "She's ordinary, Mike," I insisted.

That time, I still had the 'Science hangover' which does not have any other scientific explanation but the very high probability of hormonal overdrive. I swear I always go out of that class more than satisfied, if you know what I mean.

It was the highlight of the day already. I've been washing up my face and fixing my hair because as far as I'm concerned, I wanted to project myself as a nice guy towards this petite gorgeous classmate of mine and I'd like to imprint on her a good first impression. Just after that thought though, the bell rang, so I rushed into the classroom and I was very much excited.

I found her sitting there already. Wow, she's early this time. As much as I'd like to look and stare at her, these happy-rowdy seatmates of mine have been calling my attention at times so I really had no choice but to talk to them.

The guy behind me was an obese one with glasses named Ralph De Guzman and he's been chatting with a guy on his left named Vince, which looked like another noisy bad ass guy with an unpredictable and mysterious smile. On my right's a silent goody goody guy named Mikko. In front of me was a friend named Dan with his ever-noticeable CAT haircut but he's already having his good chat with his seatmates. This situation left me tinkering with the three guys around me which eventually led to a 'noisy boys' label of the class.

Gradually the noisy boys sitting right in front of the air conditioner shifted the flow of conversation of their noise party to some serious boy talk - girls. I pointed to them that there's one gorgeous lady at the other side of the room near the door. Ralph argued that the one in front of Dan was better, which was a previous English 10 and 11 and Literature 13 classmate of mine named Jackie. Vince and Mikko were just laughing out at these petty arguments however, and we all seemed to enjoy the company.

November 12, 2008 was that significant Wednesday. I found an opportunity that day to shine because our teacher assigned us a task of preparing for a simple debate the next session. I was interested in doing so.

"Fuck that! I'm gonna show some skills. I wanna see how Bianca handles the debate too."

I was laughing these lines within my infatuated mind that I was smiling weirdly yet annoyingly in front of so many people, but I didn't really care; I had the chance. I prepared my debate speeches for the set motion later that evening and I wasn't excited or anything on my other subjects - it's as if the only highlight for my semester this time was my English class. I was glad I had my English 12 course delayed else I won't get to see who Bianca was, and I was glad AISIS totally fucked up my schedule granting me a temporal paradise.

I think it only rained twice or thrice during the month of November. I'm quite sure though that happiness was overflowing within me and excitement was showering on me. For some odd reason, I was seriously in love with the mystery behind the name Bianca - not the cheesy, marshmallow, superficial feeling nor the extravagant and ideal reality of romance, but the sincere and passionate emotion rooted from the very veins of an intimate heart. What the fuck? But hey, that's the best depiction I can give.

November rain. This reminds me of a good ballad from Guns 'N Roses. It was a nice love song. I guess everyone should take time to hear it at least once in his lifetime.

I wanted to walk in the cold November rain and get myself soaked. I liked Bianca to be frank. It was shallow at first since I did not really know her personally, or even had the chance to talk to her personally, but at least I like her cheerfulness and her charming aura that brings about a sensation of tranquility to my malevolent soul.

I wanted to walk in the cold November rain and forget about my problems, or if that comes of no avail, just even have the chance to run away from them for a moment. I wished the clock would pause and give me a margin of Chronus to think and ponder about my existence, and my feelings too for that matter.

I wanted to walk in the cold November rain to laugh at myself - to see my reflection in a puddle of murky water and laugh at that face for being so foolish to fall for someone who isn't exactly a girl-next-door, rather, an angel-next-door.

As corny as it sounds, it's true. Guys risk their pride and dignity to speak out something as corny as that just to express their sincerity with utmost truthfulness.

Screw that.

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

Chapter 1: Registered

2009-03-31T21:16:00.019+08:00

Let's wind the clocks back a semester.

November 3, 2008.

"Fucked up... I should have been going home by 2:30 pm every Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays but then this online enlistment screwed up my registration 'cause their servers just cannot handle the sudden influx of students. We have the goddamn technology these days yet this fucking thing just ruined my plans."

That's what I told myself when I was having my AISIS Online Enlistment at the Ateneo, the university I was in at the time, and I was so frustrated back then since my English class which was supposedly 12:30-1:30 pm ran out of slots and that the only remaining available schedule for the same subject would be the 3:30-4:30 pm slot. Anyway, I resumed enlisting since I was almost done with my M-W-F schedule. Although I wanted my Science class be moved on the 2:30-3:30 pm slot, I thought having a break between my Science and English classes would be a good idea so I retained my 1:30-2:30 slot.

"Hmmm, Tuesdays and Thursdays - what if I place my PE class between my History and Theology classes? So that I can destress in between... That's better now. These two can be pretty demanding when it comes to readings, so yeah this is totally fine. History moved to 9:00-10:30 am instead of the 10:30-12:00 nn, PE at 11:00-12:00 nn snapped right in the middle, and then Theology at 1:30-3:00 pm... Okay, I'm good and all geared up."

Yes I've been talking to myself. I always do this whenever something comes up and gets me pissed.

My second semester was off to a pretty screwed up start since I did not get the schedule I originally wanted, but the crappy schedule I got however enabled me to be easygoing and a little bit laid back yet again. Considering that I'm a probationary student for the school year 2008-2009, I still wanted things to be at ease rather than stressful. I needed to catch up on my grades because I flunked my freshman year and the first semester of my sophomore year, but then, I really had no motivation to strive hard and ace the incoming semester.

Exactly a week after that was the first day of classes for the second semester of my sophomore year at the Ateneo. Monday, November 10, 2008 - my first class, Leadership and Strategy, was around 8:30 am and I almost came in late due to heavy traffic. I made it on time though. It was good to see my block mates (course mates - arranged in systematic groups called 'blocks') and some friends again after the semester break. Other than that, the first class was nothing spectacular, and besides, we were dismissed early. I simply hung out with the block with the remaining time before their 10:30-11:30 Chemistry class. Yeah you read that right: 'their' Chemistry class - since I flunked my prerequisite Chemistry subject the semester before. So actually, I'm just sitting in with their major subjects. This is a consequence of being forfeited with the bragging rights and reputation of a Management of Applied Chemistry major.

So yes, I'm a flunkard and...

I had lunch with my block mates at around 11:30 am and I hung out with them until 1:30 pm, then I was off to my Science class. I've got to tell you this, the Science class was outrageously spectacular. It is a fucking haven of chicks - like there was a dozen or so of hot girls in school in that class and every single guy was happy. I mean, it was a complete 50-minute drooling session and the professor was almost left unnoticed.

And a bastard.

The 'infamous' guy that held my Science class was someone called Mr. Marquez. He's a fail though because I think the only decent classroom discourse he was able to deliver was the last one; everything else was pure noise bullshit and useless discussion because everyone seemed to have flunked most of his tests that were supposed to be related to his lessons in class - which just shows how fucking awesome he was. He looked like a teletubby by the way. Perhaps a black one.

I realized that I would be pretty bummed with my one hour break after Science since I had nothing to do. Good thing, I hung out with my good old buddy and high school classmate, and at the same time a Science seatmate, Ken, at a covered walkway in school called 'SEC walk.' This was a hot spot since every break time there is a serious flux of girls and girls and girls that would make a completely satisfying scenery. Ken was kind [and interested, very much interested] enough to accompany me for an hour before my English class.

When the bell rung I immediately went to my classroom and I was certainly anxious over the last highlight of my first day of classes.

"Thank God the room is air conditioned," I immediately blurted out as soon as I opened the backdoor of the classroom.

I walked straight in and picked my usual seat in a room which is the one at the back. I sat comfortably on my chair and looked around for familiar faces. There were five or so acquaintances standing around but I did not feel like approaching them since I was already feeling lazy towards the end of the day and I have a grander goal in mind - spotting the hottest girl in the class. Unfortunately, there was no one who was eye popping whatsoever. The class was nothing special, really.

Well, that was what I thought until this petite girl opened the door and took the seat nearest it. She was not really late, or is it? I could not exactly remember if she really was but all I knew was that I was on the opposite side of the room and I am there to reside for the rest of the semester because the teacher already assigned me the goddamn seat. Moving to seats nearer to her would not be probable anymore.

She registered onto my mind. I swear, the registration process was quick as hell. And by the way, if I heard it right from my English teacher's attendance roll call, her name's Bianca. She raised her right hand when the name was called. Special thanks to Mrs. Oblepias for calling that name out.

Her name is just after mine on the official class list which is a cool coincidence.

That very name echoed on my mind hours after the class, even on my way home, even the last minute before I slept that night. The AISIS Enlistment didn't really fuck up after all.

Oh, Bianca...

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[Click to go to the next chapter]

2. Moonlit Shadow

2009-01-01T23:19:00.002+08:00

Time warps in a vortex space.
Influx of thoughts rift through dimensions faster.
Consciousness remains still.

The moonlight reflected on Catherine's blank eyes. She's as still as the night sky. No clouds drifted here and there which gave a free view of the full moon. She remained seated on the lawn, silent, deep in thought.

The neighborhood seemed empty. All lights were out but the lamp posts which were drowned by the darkness and emptiness of the environment.

1. She Walks in Beauty

2009-01-01T23:17:00.001+08:00

The truth is painful.
To live is to abide by the truth.
To hope for something good in that truth is the murder of thyself.
To exist is to do likewise.

She was looking at a mirror, putting on make up, 'cause she was preparing for her date tonight. She was gorgeous - luscious lips, brown eyes, rosy cheeks, straight black hair... All her qualities were too unnatural for the human eye yet so natural on her, as if she was a goddess.

She is way too simple by the looks yet sophisticated by the smile - where a new world opens up when she blinks those eyes and couples it with a sincere expression of the lips. It's a total sensation of awe that brings an extravagant admiration.

She has been a light up in the heavens, up in the milky way, that progressively mesmerizes the night sky watchers and the fantasy wanderers - those fascinated eyes that hoped that light would've been very much reachable. She must have been the most lovely of all.

She is flawless. Her skin is too perfect to suit a mortal. Her body seems incorruptible by age. Her innocence undefiled, her conscience pure, her heart vulnerable - she is a jewel that demanded more than the best of care. But then--

She's a star that doesn't shine. It seems as if all that beauty personified isn't obvious in the absolutes of black and white, rather in shades of gray, of dull gray. Her face - clouded, her eyes - submissive, her smile - crooked. She's a goddess that's a slave of fate.

To find her attractive is to navigate within the complexities of indefinite appreciation. She is exquisitely beautiful.

Catherine was her name.

She has been staring at the mirror and in the time elapsed she has been conjuring all her anxieties in front of her. She then consequently shrugged it all off and ensured herself that everything's going to be just fine. There's this uneasiness within her that somehow caused all the hesitation.

"Nah, you're thinking too much."

She left the mirror by the wall... Out to the cold cloudy night.

The night was a volta. The temperature seemed colder than the nights before and the moon is being blocked by Nimbus clouds. Still, Catherine went out carrying nothing but her bag. From Marble Street, she walked towards Gray Avenue which was about two blocks away, and from there she took a cab.

5 minutes passed and she was already on her way to Bog's Grille. The influx of her anxiety continuously increased with respect to time. Her heart was pounding.

"Ah come on Catherine. You can't back out now... And the guy's nice."

Her phone suddenly rang. The Caller ID displayed "Enzo." Two more rings and--

"Uhm, Yes?"

"Am already here Catherine, table under a painting of an old man with enormous wings..." said Enzo, in a very calm and cold tone.

"Old man, huh? I'll be there in a minute. Just you wait." Catherine immediately replied, thinking if making the guy wait is a bad thing.

"Oh-ho, no hurries, no hurries. Time's fool I am, my lady, for I myself am a fool to myself and a fool myself; time is foolish, or is it?" his tone unchanging.

"I won't get you when you talk to me... that way," said Catherine, smiling. There's this excitement within her that makes her heart want to burst out but she controlled her tone. The guy's suave which makes him irresistible to some indefinite extent.

Prologue

2008-12-30T21:13:00.000+08:00

The moon is round and bright,
Which mystifies the night.
'Tis a bedazzling sight
Where light and darkness fight.

Out on this chilling night-
You alone have the sight,
Only you have the light,
Yonder sky that's bright.

Juxtapose fear and fright-
An endless night to fight.
Jaded and wearied sight,
An emptiness to light.

Entertain fear and fright.
Chance you might see a light...
End the tormenting night.
Chance you do something right.

Else,
Chance one's self you smite.

Unless you're like the lawn you're sitting on right now,
Which does not feel any pain even when trampled upon...

Unless you're like the sky you're staring at right now,
Which does not feel any shame even when mortified by the eye...

Unless you're like the night that you're in right now,
Which does not share any of its mysteries enveloped in darkness...

Unless you're like the tears falling from your eyes,
Which does not know the purpose of its existence...

Well you're like your tears. You keep falling again and again, not knowing exactly why... Or is it?