It's been 1 year and 1 month since Kris and Jeimi. When I was still in Ateneo, particularly the last semester I had before I got kicked out, these two were probably my best buddies. Well of course it's quite some time now - we used to hang out at Zen Garden after my English class every M-W-F or after Jeimi's Psych class every T-TH. Now that doesn't seem to be a really distant memory. It looks to me as if it just occurred yesterday or the other day. But then, I'm completely far off from that scene, at least by comparing to where I am now.
And that period in between is like one of the most awesome chapters of my mundane existence. Around a year and a month ago, I may have been in one of my happiest moments as a mortal being and ironically half a month later I got into being depressed since it seemed interesting for a kick out. Fast forward I was able to publish two unedited stories around June and December out of having nothing to do for the first one, and for the second one out of extreme rush of loneliness. As for now though, I can consider myself doing fine after so many months of thinking and thinking.
To keep this update short and before I do shut my mouth up, I realized that after all this time there were mistakes that seem to have gone by me. I couldn't call myself a complete idiot after that since I was emotionally driven to an extent in decision-making processes. I regret having committed a tad too much of stupid things too that could have saved me before my fate uttered "failure." I just want things back to normal, not necessarily what it used to be or how it should be, just any ordinary day more than a year and a month ago. And yes, I'd die for friendship. I know I'm not perfect but I'm trying to show the world that it is.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Introduction
Well hello again avid followers. Here I have published a short piece of a shit which I'm trying to sell you as a story entitled "Light to a Firefly." I hope it doesn't sound fucking emo because it isn't. And I hope that you'd enjoy this one (certainly you would in postmodern circumstances and context). This is quite short - you can finish this thing in 10 minutes. It contains six insignificant chapters that I hope you'd draw insensible ideologies from.
I didn't intend to publicize bullshit here. I wrote a long story because it is just a series of blogs I cohesively pieced together to form one that would be much more complete and practical rather than doing multiple entries that don't deliver the complete idea I'd want my readers to see. Also, I recommend that you read Story 2: The Devil Lock first before this one because this is logically a sequel, so as you know.
Lastly, I am not a lunatic. Good luck and have fun reading.
List of Chapters:
Chapter 1: Coulrophobia
Chapter 2: Grand Conjuration
Chapter 3: Killing Floor
Chapter 4: Under The Stars
Chapter 5: Immaculate Conception
Chapter 6: Embers
I didn't intend to publicize bullshit here. I wrote a long story because it is just a series of blogs I cohesively pieced together to form one that would be much more complete and practical rather than doing multiple entries that don't deliver the complete idea I'd want my readers to see. Also, I recommend that you read Story 2: The Devil Lock first before this one because this is logically a sequel, so as you know.
Lastly, I am not a lunatic. Good luck and have fun reading.
List of Chapters:
Chapter 1: Coulrophobia
Chapter 2: Grand Conjuration
Chapter 3: Killing Floor
Chapter 4: Under The Stars
Chapter 5: Immaculate Conception
Chapter 6: Embers
Chapter 6: Embers
For the past six months I have continually devastated myself with thoughts which never cease in yielding catastrophic results. For example, there are days that I normally consume 3 to 5 packs of cigarettes. Imagine one pack in one sitting. And smoking comes in as more enjoyable when you're drinking. You don't feel the heat and roughness in your throat. Add to that my adjusted alcohol tolerance of 2 beer buckets and still not drunk - that is human development, my dear friends.
In the efforts of minimizing my alcohol intake I tried to save up for microphones but I ended up saving more drinking money for Fridays (since I drink everyday for the previous semester). And when I eventually ran out of immediate cash at hand, chain smoking became my new found buddy buddy. I mean, Marlboro does a good job on making you high with nicotine and at the same time completely puts your voice in chaos after 100 sticks in less than 24 hours.
Well of course, to put my budget in equilibrium, I seldom eat with the excuse that I'm broke of course, but in truth I spend all my money for 3-5 packs of cigarettes each morning and I save up like 60-80 pesos for two bottles of beer during evenings. I don't do drugs though.
Now that my efforts of stopping these habits are futile, I realized that a greater effort I've exerted way beforehand was much more futile - which is trying to stop depression. I realized that doing so is apeshit. You're like a piece of a stinking dog poop right next to a tsunami and the next moment you're fucking converted to rancid gorilla urine. That's how helpless I was. I wouldn't spill the details in here though because it's just gay. Moreover, I'd rather have you, my readers, ask me personally, and perhaps you can treat me with a drink or something. I'm thanking you in advance as you're reading this so while I'm still alive you better give me that cigarette stick and beer bottle. We may not be enjoying the same scene tomorrow.
And whenever we're in that classic scene of smoking and drinking on some corner of a resto or bar, I'd tell you all the wonderful memories I've had with a very special person to me, because honestly, I so miss all of those. What was hard for me was when I saw that very relationship I worked hard for and invested so much time into falter in front of my very eyes, of which I didn't have any fucking idea WHY, leaving me nothing but hopelessness. I mean, I can't do anything about it while it's crashing down into a million pieces and all the happiness it contained dissipated into nothingness.
Of course I picked up every single piece with my broken hands wondering where have I gone wrong, yet some parts were missing, or there were some regions of that relationship that I couldn't put back into place. Also, that relationship may not be working for me but I don't really care. I just want it back to the state when I was still cherishing it: nothing more, nothing less. That's all that I've asked from God.
God.
HAHA. March 25, 2009. I told Him that I wasn't loving somebody for the sake of having a partner, or more temporally to fulfill my own satisfaction which is selfish happiness. I told Him that I loved somebody for that someone's happiness which I hope I was able to attain even just for the slightest time. Despite being gay, I lived to this principle up until now. I content myself with simple joys. Nothing comes greater than that but her happiness.
I live like this every single day ever since the grand conjuration. I am still haunted by the question "What did I do for everything to end up this way?" like a fucking son of a clown. I see no way out that's why I'm proclaiming such helplessness here in virtual reality while escaping my reality in the process. I'd appreciate it if you don't concern yourself with me 'cause I'm just fine, still breathing, still existing - so no worries for that. I'll keep my worrying to myself and I'd like it to be that way. Mind you, I'd rather have you guys take the chill life. I have my cig and my alcohol to spend my time with anyway and that is more than enough to entertain me for the rest of my days aside from writing. My silent days in Kalayaan College are quite over because my happiness has been distorted to something indecipherable.
And you know what, I found the most sensible thing on earth a while ago.
I'd start shutting up.
-----
Good bye and Merry Christmas, Bianca.
-----
[END]
In the efforts of minimizing my alcohol intake I tried to save up for microphones but I ended up saving more drinking money for Fridays (since I drink everyday for the previous semester). And when I eventually ran out of immediate cash at hand, chain smoking became my new found buddy buddy. I mean, Marlboro does a good job on making you high with nicotine and at the same time completely puts your voice in chaos after 100 sticks in less than 24 hours.
Well of course, to put my budget in equilibrium, I seldom eat with the excuse that I'm broke of course, but in truth I spend all my money for 3-5 packs of cigarettes each morning and I save up like 60-80 pesos for two bottles of beer during evenings. I don't do drugs though.
Now that my efforts of stopping these habits are futile, I realized that a greater effort I've exerted way beforehand was much more futile - which is trying to stop depression. I realized that doing so is apeshit. You're like a piece of a stinking dog poop right next to a tsunami and the next moment you're fucking converted to rancid gorilla urine. That's how helpless I was. I wouldn't spill the details in here though because it's just gay. Moreover, I'd rather have you, my readers, ask me personally, and perhaps you can treat me with a drink or something. I'm thanking you in advance as you're reading this so while I'm still alive you better give me that cigarette stick and beer bottle. We may not be enjoying the same scene tomorrow.
And whenever we're in that classic scene of smoking and drinking on some corner of a resto or bar, I'd tell you all the wonderful memories I've had with a very special person to me, because honestly, I so miss all of those. What was hard for me was when I saw that very relationship I worked hard for and invested so much time into falter in front of my very eyes, of which I didn't have any fucking idea WHY, leaving me nothing but hopelessness. I mean, I can't do anything about it while it's crashing down into a million pieces and all the happiness it contained dissipated into nothingness.
Of course I picked up every single piece with my broken hands wondering where have I gone wrong, yet some parts were missing, or there were some regions of that relationship that I couldn't put back into place. Also, that relationship may not be working for me but I don't really care. I just want it back to the state when I was still cherishing it: nothing more, nothing less. That's all that I've asked from God.
God.
HAHA. March 25, 2009. I told Him that I wasn't loving somebody for the sake of having a partner, or more temporally to fulfill my own satisfaction which is selfish happiness. I told Him that I loved somebody for that someone's happiness which I hope I was able to attain even just for the slightest time. Despite being gay, I lived to this principle up until now. I content myself with simple joys. Nothing comes greater than that but her happiness.
I live like this every single day ever since the grand conjuration. I am still haunted by the question "What did I do for everything to end up this way?" like a fucking son of a clown. I see no way out that's why I'm proclaiming such helplessness here in virtual reality while escaping my reality in the process. I'd appreciate it if you don't concern yourself with me 'cause I'm just fine, still breathing, still existing - so no worries for that. I'll keep my worrying to myself and I'd like it to be that way. Mind you, I'd rather have you guys take the chill life. I have my cig and my alcohol to spend my time with anyway and that is more than enough to entertain me for the rest of my days aside from writing. My silent days in Kalayaan College are quite over because my happiness has been distorted to something indecipherable.
And you know what, I found the most sensible thing on earth a while ago.
I'd start shutting up.
-----
Good bye and Merry Christmas, Bianca.
-----
[END]
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Chapter 5: Immaculate Conception
December 8, 2009.
I skipped every first half of my classes because my teacher doesn't seem to amuse me like she did the previous semester - the points she raise throughout every session were recurring. I did nothing more than light cigs and play pusoy dos every single time I'm out of the classroom and I think this'll probably explain why my eating habits are fucking weird.
Around 3 pm, I was torn between going home or going to my second home. Katipunan, that is. When I boarded the train I chose the latter option and in 20 minutes time I found myself walking on that very familiar path. I went straight to Ateneo to hang out at the aMp bench, which I always do everytime I'm at the campus, and found Brian, Daniel, Joe and Nica. I had to sit with them since I decided to have dinner with Ian and I had nothing else to do. Playing at Him5 doesn't seem to be a very good option for a broke man.
At 5:30 pm, with Joe and Nica headed home, Brian and Daniel wanted to eat already and they specifically chose my all-time favorite food chain McDonald's. I kept them company and we walked all the way to McDo. Seeing the closest table to the entrance vacant, the two immediately took the seats and went to the counter for food while I finished my second pack for the day. Mind you, I'm trying to kill my addiction.
When we were all seated, the two scumbags were smiling at me in a very irritating way. I asked,
"What's up?"
":)"
"Putangina ano nga?" (Motherbitch what's up)
"Why is life so randooom?" Daniel told me, with Brian following up with the same words in a sort of a hum,
"Liiife is sooo randooom..."
I so wanted to fuck the shit out of these idiots until they told me Bianca was around. I asked again,
"No, seriously?"
"YES."
GG. I panicked of course. I didn't know what to do. Should I display myself sitting in the most obvious seat there and say hello to her? Or should I run with my balls away? Or should I pretend to be asleep with my eyes open? There were literally a million questions rushing through my head that I spent more than 20 minutes thinking of senseless things until I saw Bianca from a distance. At first I was speechless - and then stupefied - and then knocked out. She instantly recognized me and smiled, and then waved a hello at me.
I have never seen that smile for the longest time. I mean, the last time I saw her she never displayed that epic thing on her face. And now she did! But of course, after all the troubles that happened within the past months of which I kept most only to myself, I couldn't display a proper reaction. I tried to smile. I hope I did looked like smiling as she passed by. As she went to her car though, I told the two rancid monkeys in front of me that I have to leave for Slice 'N Dice in a short while.
Well I did in a few seconds basically because - here comes the best gay part of the story - I was manufacturing gay tears. I was walking away with a cigarette stick in my lips trying to gain composure especially in a public place. I succeeded just before I met up with Ian a short walk from McDo.
I had dinner with the guy. And since I haven't told him anything about my life since June, I updated him with utmost detail which sort of made me happy because I didn't know I was capable of spilling out happy events that happened in the previous quarter of the year. After that we went home; well, he drove me home because we were neighbors.
Bianca just conceived a wonderful smile which confused me: are we in good terms again/already? What did her smile mean? Or furthermore, are things back to the way they were?
The only immaculate thing from all this confusion is nothing.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
I skipped every first half of my classes because my teacher doesn't seem to amuse me like she did the previous semester - the points she raise throughout every session were recurring. I did nothing more than light cigs and play pusoy dos every single time I'm out of the classroom and I think this'll probably explain why my eating habits are fucking weird.
Around 3 pm, I was torn between going home or going to my second home. Katipunan, that is. When I boarded the train I chose the latter option and in 20 minutes time I found myself walking on that very familiar path. I went straight to Ateneo to hang out at the aMp bench, which I always do everytime I'm at the campus, and found Brian, Daniel, Joe and Nica. I had to sit with them since I decided to have dinner with Ian and I had nothing else to do. Playing at Him5 doesn't seem to be a very good option for a broke man.
At 5:30 pm, with Joe and Nica headed home, Brian and Daniel wanted to eat already and they specifically chose my all-time favorite food chain McDonald's. I kept them company and we walked all the way to McDo. Seeing the closest table to the entrance vacant, the two immediately took the seats and went to the counter for food while I finished my second pack for the day. Mind you, I'm trying to kill my addiction.
When we were all seated, the two scumbags were smiling at me in a very irritating way. I asked,
"What's up?"
":)"
"Putangina ano nga?" (Motherbitch what's up)
"Why is life so randooom?" Daniel told me, with Brian following up with the same words in a sort of a hum,
"Liiife is sooo randooom..."
I so wanted to fuck the shit out of these idiots until they told me Bianca was around. I asked again,
"No, seriously?"
"YES."
GG. I panicked of course. I didn't know what to do. Should I display myself sitting in the most obvious seat there and say hello to her? Or should I run with my balls away? Or should I pretend to be asleep with my eyes open? There were literally a million questions rushing through my head that I spent more than 20 minutes thinking of senseless things until I saw Bianca from a distance. At first I was speechless - and then stupefied - and then knocked out. She instantly recognized me and smiled, and then waved a hello at me.
I have never seen that smile for the longest time. I mean, the last time I saw her she never displayed that epic thing on her face. And now she did! But of course, after all the troubles that happened within the past months of which I kept most only to myself, I couldn't display a proper reaction. I tried to smile. I hope I did looked like smiling as she passed by. As she went to her car though, I told the two rancid monkeys in front of me that I have to leave for Slice 'N Dice in a short while.
Well I did in a few seconds basically because - here comes the best gay part of the story - I was manufacturing gay tears. I was walking away with a cigarette stick in my lips trying to gain composure especially in a public place. I succeeded just before I met up with Ian a short walk from McDo.
I had dinner with the guy. And since I haven't told him anything about my life since June, I updated him with utmost detail which sort of made me happy because I didn't know I was capable of spilling out happy events that happened in the previous quarter of the year. After that we went home; well, he drove me home because we were neighbors.
Bianca just conceived a wonderful smile which confused me: are we in good terms again/already? What did her smile mean? Or furthermore, are things back to the way they were?
The only immaculate thing from all this confusion is nothing.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Friday, December 4, 2009
Chapter 4: Under The Stars
I made this chapter the same day after I came home from Katipunan. There was this event there called "Under the Stars." But because I was unable to meet with friends due to unexplainable circumstances (including waiting for Brian for more than an hour and he still didn't show up), I went to McDonald's instead and had dinner alone. And as I was finishing up my cheeseburger, I remembered this incident about a year ago.
It was Under the Stars 2008. I didn't have any goddamn idea that there was such happening in school (when I was still in the Ateneo) until Ian, a friend and a neighbor, told me through a text message that Bianca was there.
"Dude, do you know about Under the Stars?"
"Wtf is that?" I asnwered, thinking it was some chick flick film or a gay-ass book.
"It's this event at the SOM field and it's happening NOW."
"So?"
"Bianca's there."
I was shocked of course because I didn't have any single idea that an event was happening at school and I was at home playing my all-time favorite DotA. That's stalking fail number 1. I immediately replied and asked Ian what Under the Stars was all about. Well, he didn't explain much.
"Uhhh you star gaze I think? With a date..."
"Who is she with?!"
"She won't tell."
"CONVINCE, DUDE."
"Nah, good luck with that."
"Come on man. We're friends. Besides, I thought you were my wingman?"
"It isn't a big deal, really. Relax. And good luck!"
Damn Ian. I lost my DotA game, and more than that, I lost another opportunity. You know, I can't miss chances like these. But I couldn't do anything anyway at that time so I just played more games all throughout the night so as to take my mind off things.
And back to the present, as I was finishing up my hot fudge sundae, I kept on missing her every second. Perhaps I even looked like a little idiot at McDo, sitting with nobody but my classical guitar my dad gave me three years ago. Of course I'll be suffering the same ordeal for the whole evening so I decided to go home immediately. I took a cab just outside and as I was on the road home, I remembered the night of the 30th of January - I was on the very same scene, looking at the sky which almost seemed starless, hoping that Bianca was enjoying the same perspective.
Optimism aside, everything else is bullshit. Life in general is. May we be under the stars, the deep black sky, the rain, the rays of the sun, the hands of fate, the eyes of the gods, or whatever - we suffer. We are powerless against ourselves and our own fate.
Under the stars is not the best place to be; 6 feet under is the best way out, with much sarcasm.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
It was Under the Stars 2008. I didn't have any goddamn idea that there was such happening in school (when I was still in the Ateneo) until Ian, a friend and a neighbor, told me through a text message that Bianca was there.
"Dude, do you know about Under the Stars?"
"Wtf is that?" I asnwered, thinking it was some chick flick film or a gay-ass book.
"It's this event at the SOM field and it's happening NOW."
"So?"
"Bianca's there."
I was shocked of course because I didn't have any single idea that an event was happening at school and I was at home playing my all-time favorite DotA. That's stalking fail number 1. I immediately replied and asked Ian what Under the Stars was all about. Well, he didn't explain much.
"Uhhh you star gaze I think? With a date..."
"Who is she with?!"
"She won't tell."
"CONVINCE, DUDE."
"Nah, good luck with that."
"Come on man. We're friends. Besides, I thought you were my wingman?"
"It isn't a big deal, really. Relax. And good luck!"
Damn Ian. I lost my DotA game, and more than that, I lost another opportunity. You know, I can't miss chances like these. But I couldn't do anything anyway at that time so I just played more games all throughout the night so as to take my mind off things.
And back to the present, as I was finishing up my hot fudge sundae, I kept on missing her every second. Perhaps I even looked like a little idiot at McDo, sitting with nobody but my classical guitar my dad gave me three years ago. Of course I'll be suffering the same ordeal for the whole evening so I decided to go home immediately. I took a cab just outside and as I was on the road home, I remembered the night of the 30th of January - I was on the very same scene, looking at the sky which almost seemed starless, hoping that Bianca was enjoying the same perspective.
Optimism aside, everything else is bullshit. Life in general is. May we be under the stars, the deep black sky, the rain, the rays of the sun, the hands of fate, the eyes of the gods, or whatever - we suffer. We are powerless against ourselves and our own fate.
Under the stars is not the best place to be; 6 feet under is the best way out, with much sarcasm.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Chapter 3: Killing Floor
It was just the second week of classes when Kris texted me on a Monday noon if I was free for the rest of the day. I replied that I was just bumming around since I had nothing to do. That's when he told me to go to Katipunan and meet up with him. He wanted to play this little game he tried the previous week.
June 22, 2009. 2:20 pm.
I opened the door of Him5 Webtown, the internet cafe I've always been at ever since I migrated from Blueskies, and found Kris sitting on a seat somewhere in a bunch of rows of desktop computers. The moment he saw me, he immediately pointed his finger to the monitor in front of him, signaling me to look on what he's playing.
Zed time.
In the game and in the real life as well. So you may be wondering what this zed time is. Basically it triggers once the player was able to execute a head shot to an enemy. The more head shots in a streak, the longer the zed time is. The maximum is about 3 consecutive shots and the game play is back to normal speed rather than the ultra-slow motion ultra-awesome ultra-gruesome enemy-slaying scene.
I was pretty much interested in trying Killing Floor so I took a seat right next to Kris and started a multiplayer game mode.
READ THIS.
What makes Killing Floor a big deal then? I've been playing KF the whole of June and July every single day except Sundays (because it's a family day and Him5 is closed in this day of the week). Why the addiction? Now that's a better question. Everytime I play this game I sort of get myself very much immersed into a parallel void which devoids me of the thought that I am in a different world. I forget all my problems and frustrations which hinders me from depression.
It is this extreme - the moment I've spent all my money and walk out of Him5, I literally go...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"
Because all the slings and arrows of my outrageous fortune comes back at me in an instant. And I walk home in a very slow manner, with my head looking down, with my feet taking small steps, with my mind thinking of course of Bianca. It's because we haven't been talking lately and I rarely see her online. She wouldn't respond to some text messages. I can't even spot her around Ateneo. Simply put, I missed her to the point that I go home with a very uneasy feeling and to the point that I couldn't sleep every single night even if my limbs have been exhausted with a day's trip and with my eyes tired to the hours spent playing Killing Floor.
Ah yes, Killing Floor. What do I really kill in the floor of this game? During that time? During that part of the day?
Reality.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
June 22, 2009. 2:20 pm.
I opened the door of Him5 Webtown, the internet cafe I've always been at ever since I migrated from Blueskies, and found Kris sitting on a seat somewhere in a bunch of rows of desktop computers. The moment he saw me, he immediately pointed his finger to the monitor in front of him, signaling me to look on what he's playing.
Zed time.
In the game and in the real life as well. So you may be wondering what this zed time is. Basically it triggers once the player was able to execute a head shot to an enemy. The more head shots in a streak, the longer the zed time is. The maximum is about 3 consecutive shots and the game play is back to normal speed rather than the ultra-slow motion ultra-awesome ultra-gruesome enemy-slaying scene.
I was pretty much interested in trying Killing Floor so I took a seat right next to Kris and started a multiplayer game mode.
READ THIS.
What makes Killing Floor a big deal then? I've been playing KF the whole of June and July every single day except Sundays (because it's a family day and Him5 is closed in this day of the week). Why the addiction? Now that's a better question. Everytime I play this game I sort of get myself very much immersed into a parallel void which devoids me of the thought that I am in a different world. I forget all my problems and frustrations which hinders me from depression.
It is this extreme - the moment I've spent all my money and walk out of Him5, I literally go...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"
Because all the slings and arrows of my outrageous fortune comes back at me in an instant. And I walk home in a very slow manner, with my head looking down, with my feet taking small steps, with my mind thinking of course of Bianca. It's because we haven't been talking lately and I rarely see her online. She wouldn't respond to some text messages. I can't even spot her around Ateneo. Simply put, I missed her to the point that I go home with a very uneasy feeling and to the point that I couldn't sleep every single night even if my limbs have been exhausted with a day's trip and with my eyes tired to the hours spent playing Killing Floor.
Ah yes, Killing Floor. What do I really kill in the floor of this game? During that time? During that part of the day?
Reality.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Chapter 2: Grand Conjuration
Thursday. August 27, 2009. 4:20 pm.
9 days have passed since I saw myself as a clown. I was with Rups, Arlo and Randell on the same train - LRT Line 2 - on our way to Katipunan, the second to the last station with Santolan being the last. I am schoolmates with these guys and we hang out every single break time. And now I tugged them along since I have been planning something intense for that afternoon, or perhaps, the early hours of the evening. They agreed to be with me anyway.
The first Katipunan stop we headed to was Ministop because I wanted to buy a bag of Cheetos Flaming Hot or Cheetos Crunchy Cheddar for Bianca. The last time we saw each other was June 16 and it has been two months since I have been missing someone essential to my existence. I know she liked Cheetos and I'd like to give her one as a surprise since I was broke that time and had nothing up my sleeves other than 150 bucks since mum didn't give me any allowance that day. Unfortunately, Ministop ran out of supplies and so we headed to 7-11 on foot.
The convenience store was equally out of stock of my favorite Cheetos so I just decided to purchase a can of Pringles Cheddar Cheese. It was 5:00 pm when we were walking along the footbridge near the Gate 2.5 of Ateneo. We were to go to the Case Study Room (CSR) at the ground floor of the Social Sciences Building to wait for Bianca's dismissal. We easily breezed through the security with the excuse that we were to attend some sort of a seminar or a communication class at the CSR. Now that's a good lie.
It was roughly 5:15 pm when we took a bleacher a good distance in front of the SocSci building because I am playing safe, or rather, I don't want Bianca or anyone for that matter to know that I am around. Rups and I just kept on looking to check if someone familiar or Bianca would happen to see us because there were people going in and out of the CSR, and there were people too having class-related group discussions just outside the room. I even asked Rups to patrol the surrounding area just to be safe, with the excuse that whenever he is caught roaming around by Bianca or a friend of hers, he'd just make up an excuse that he was there to meet up with someone else.
While Rups was doing his job, I was planning my speech together with Arlo and Randell - knowing what to say, the chronology, the tone, overall delivery and everything else as if I was in a communication class too. The two didn't really prepare something grand for me other than the all-glorious tip that always works: be composed and honest, even if spontaneous. But still, my mind was crowded with little thoughts here and there. I wanted to say some things yet I felt like I shouldn't say them. It was seriously confusing for me to think of what to say considering that Bianca's going home once she is dismissed and that I wouldn't have the time to say what I really want to say completely.
Rups returned to our bleacher in around 5 minutes and briefed me. He didn't know for sure if the people outside the CSR belonged to Bianca's class. The good thing is that he didn't see some acquaintance around else we would've blown our cover. Now all we had to do was wait for 5:50 pm to strike and that's when we come in.
Well, around 5:30 pm the people just outside the CSR moved out to where I don't know or I don't remember. That's when the four of us moved in to the optimal spot of ambushing Bianca once she gets out of the room. Seating on a spot near the door made me very nervous. Every single door creak makes my heart skip a beat that I was even sweating due to extreme stress. I felt that I wasn't prepared for this and at the back of my mind I even considered backing out - but it's already there and what I'm practically left to do is to go up to her and just talk.
At last the bell rung and I immediately went to my position - there's this glass divider that covers the entrance of the restroom just beside the CSR. I stood near there so that I can watch every single face that walks out of the room. Rups stood near the door of the CSR, waiting for Bianca to show up.
I checked my phone because it vibrated and I read mum's message on why I still wasn't home when I was supposed to be. But before I could finish reading the SMS, I heard Rups call out in an excited tone.
"Ui Bianca! Hahah!" in his classic laugh.
"Hey Rups! What are you doing here?" Bianca responded lively. That's when I looked at her and saw her smile yet again. I've been missing that view since the 16th of June and now I have it. And it's gorgeous. As I slipped my phone into my pocket and coughed so as to prepare for my little hello, Rups answered back to her.
"We're here to visit you. Mike's with me!" Rups told in a really big smile which made me smile too. He then pointed at my direction.
Bianca just passed in front of me without any eye contact. She went straight to the restroom instead. I knew something went really wrong - something must have been conjured so fast that quelled her smile as quickly as it came. Of course everybody's faces were like "dude wtf" but then I have to keep my composure indeed in order to execute my grand conjuration - a line I've been planning to say so as to clear all the mess up. I'm not really into explaining that mess though.
5 more minutes, as I was holding my ground right beside the glass divider a few feet perpendicular from the corridor of the restroom, Bianca emerged from the entrance and then slowly looked at me. And every single time I remember the look of that face and those once happy beautiful eyes, I shed a fucking tear. It's gay but I have no means of stopping it. The expression she had was indescribable that I kept asking myself if it was anger, or hatred, or confusion, or sadness, or whatever. It just struck me right on the spot that I didn't know how to react. Before she could pass me again though, I started.
"Bianca, I want to talk you."
She answered in a nod, but she didn't look up. Nor did she look at me. I continued.
"Are you going home?"
"Yes."
"Ah I see. Are you going to your car? If then, I'm going to walk with you."
"I'm fine."
"I just want to talk to you."
What lacked was the word 'please.' Step 1 of the composure speech thingy was already incomplete but the whole process has begun. She started walking towards Xavier hall. I didn't know what to say already and I forgot the goddamn chronology of the speech I planned for days. I literally crammed words into my mouth that I myself, at that moment, didn't know if I was making sense. I just kept my talk going. Yes - my talk that is because she was silent.
Fast forward, I was just in front of her car door in the parking lot right across Xavier after a conversation and she started her car's engine. We bid each other good bye and she closed her door. That was it for me. The day was already over. I pulled my bangs down, put my cap on, and cried. In silence, that is. Pure trails of tears poured from my eyes that I couldn't even look up. My efforts of stopping such have been of no use. So instead, I placed both of my hands behind my head with my right palm still holding the can of Pringles she declined from me and I was just looking down while walking my way back to the three who were waiting for me just outside the CSR. True enough, I failed my grand conjuration. Bianca delivered something much more powerful - a more extreme truth than what I had to say. Apparently fate has conjured something grand for me. I was a clown enough to even dare conjure something grand for it.
When I was almost at the SocSci building, a familiar voice pulled my senses from oblivion.
"Hey who's this handsome guy walking up to me?" said Anton Mozo, while raising his right hand for a high five. I gave him a full five fingers. But then, he interrupted his own talk when he saw the look on my face.
"Dude what happened?!" he asked. Not feeling in the mood to talk much, I summarized what happened throughout the day and I told him I'll tell the whole story some other time. I just invited him to play Killing Floor™ the next week. I followed up that I had to go.
I met with Rups, Randell and Arlo once I reached a bleacher they have invaded when I was gone. I told them what just happened, particularly when I blew up my speech that I was at a loss of what to say. Disaster indeed. I handed the can of Pringles to Rups and we ate. In a little while though, Rups and Randell had to leave. Arlo remained a little longer since he said he will be company.
As we walked out of the Ateneo, I was just lost, completely lost, as if I didn't have a soul - as if I was a true clown. I didn't know what to do for the rest of the day and the days after. When Arlo parted ways, I just walked in circles around Katipunan wondering what to do. Should I buy a bottle of water? Or a palm-full of candies? Or a pack of cigarettes? But then I remembered I was broke. After mindless walking, I went home. I skipped dinner. I was in my room crying like a lost little gay clown.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
9 days have passed since I saw myself as a clown. I was with Rups, Arlo and Randell on the same train - LRT Line 2 - on our way to Katipunan, the second to the last station with Santolan being the last. I am schoolmates with these guys and we hang out every single break time. And now I tugged them along since I have been planning something intense for that afternoon, or perhaps, the early hours of the evening. They agreed to be with me anyway.
The first Katipunan stop we headed to was Ministop because I wanted to buy a bag of Cheetos Flaming Hot or Cheetos Crunchy Cheddar for Bianca. The last time we saw each other was June 16 and it has been two months since I have been missing someone essential to my existence. I know she liked Cheetos and I'd like to give her one as a surprise since I was broke that time and had nothing up my sleeves other than 150 bucks since mum didn't give me any allowance that day. Unfortunately, Ministop ran out of supplies and so we headed to 7-11 on foot.
The convenience store was equally out of stock of my favorite Cheetos so I just decided to purchase a can of Pringles Cheddar Cheese. It was 5:00 pm when we were walking along the footbridge near the Gate 2.5 of Ateneo. We were to go to the Case Study Room (CSR) at the ground floor of the Social Sciences Building to wait for Bianca's dismissal. We easily breezed through the security with the excuse that we were to attend some sort of a seminar or a communication class at the CSR. Now that's a good lie.
It was roughly 5:15 pm when we took a bleacher a good distance in front of the SocSci building because I am playing safe, or rather, I don't want Bianca or anyone for that matter to know that I am around. Rups and I just kept on looking to check if someone familiar or Bianca would happen to see us because there were people going in and out of the CSR, and there were people too having class-related group discussions just outside the room. I even asked Rups to patrol the surrounding area just to be safe, with the excuse that whenever he is caught roaming around by Bianca or a friend of hers, he'd just make up an excuse that he was there to meet up with someone else.
While Rups was doing his job, I was planning my speech together with Arlo and Randell - knowing what to say, the chronology, the tone, overall delivery and everything else as if I was in a communication class too. The two didn't really prepare something grand for me other than the all-glorious tip that always works: be composed and honest, even if spontaneous. But still, my mind was crowded with little thoughts here and there. I wanted to say some things yet I felt like I shouldn't say them. It was seriously confusing for me to think of what to say considering that Bianca's going home once she is dismissed and that I wouldn't have the time to say what I really want to say completely.
Rups returned to our bleacher in around 5 minutes and briefed me. He didn't know for sure if the people outside the CSR belonged to Bianca's class. The good thing is that he didn't see some acquaintance around else we would've blown our cover. Now all we had to do was wait for 5:50 pm to strike and that's when we come in.
Well, around 5:30 pm the people just outside the CSR moved out to where I don't know or I don't remember. That's when the four of us moved in to the optimal spot of ambushing Bianca once she gets out of the room. Seating on a spot near the door made me very nervous. Every single door creak makes my heart skip a beat that I was even sweating due to extreme stress. I felt that I wasn't prepared for this and at the back of my mind I even considered backing out - but it's already there and what I'm practically left to do is to go up to her and just talk.
At last the bell rung and I immediately went to my position - there's this glass divider that covers the entrance of the restroom just beside the CSR. I stood near there so that I can watch every single face that walks out of the room. Rups stood near the door of the CSR, waiting for Bianca to show up.
I checked my phone because it vibrated and I read mum's message on why I still wasn't home when I was supposed to be. But before I could finish reading the SMS, I heard Rups call out in an excited tone.
"Ui Bianca! Hahah!" in his classic laugh.
"Hey Rups! What are you doing here?" Bianca responded lively. That's when I looked at her and saw her smile yet again. I've been missing that view since the 16th of June and now I have it. And it's gorgeous. As I slipped my phone into my pocket and coughed so as to prepare for my little hello, Rups answered back to her.
"We're here to visit you. Mike's with me!" Rups told in a really big smile which made me smile too. He then pointed at my direction.
Bianca just passed in front of me without any eye contact. She went straight to the restroom instead. I knew something went really wrong - something must have been conjured so fast that quelled her smile as quickly as it came. Of course everybody's faces were like "dude wtf" but then I have to keep my composure indeed in order to execute my grand conjuration - a line I've been planning to say so as to clear all the mess up. I'm not really into explaining that mess though.
5 more minutes, as I was holding my ground right beside the glass divider a few feet perpendicular from the corridor of the restroom, Bianca emerged from the entrance and then slowly looked at me. And every single time I remember the look of that face and those once happy beautiful eyes, I shed a fucking tear. It's gay but I have no means of stopping it. The expression she had was indescribable that I kept asking myself if it was anger, or hatred, or confusion, or sadness, or whatever. It just struck me right on the spot that I didn't know how to react. Before she could pass me again though, I started.
"Bianca, I want to talk you."
She answered in a nod, but she didn't look up. Nor did she look at me. I continued.
"Are you going home?"
"Yes."
"Ah I see. Are you going to your car? If then, I'm going to walk with you."
"I'm fine."
"I just want to talk to you."
What lacked was the word 'please.' Step 1 of the composure speech thingy was already incomplete but the whole process has begun. She started walking towards Xavier hall. I didn't know what to say already and I forgot the goddamn chronology of the speech I planned for days. I literally crammed words into my mouth that I myself, at that moment, didn't know if I was making sense. I just kept my talk going. Yes - my talk that is because she was silent.
Fast forward, I was just in front of her car door in the parking lot right across Xavier after a conversation and she started her car's engine. We bid each other good bye and she closed her door. That was it for me. The day was already over. I pulled my bangs down, put my cap on, and cried. In silence, that is. Pure trails of tears poured from my eyes that I couldn't even look up. My efforts of stopping such have been of no use. So instead, I placed both of my hands behind my head with my right palm still holding the can of Pringles she declined from me and I was just looking down while walking my way back to the three who were waiting for me just outside the CSR. True enough, I failed my grand conjuration. Bianca delivered something much more powerful - a more extreme truth than what I had to say. Apparently fate has conjured something grand for me. I was a clown enough to even dare conjure something grand for it.
When I was almost at the SocSci building, a familiar voice pulled my senses from oblivion.
"Hey who's this handsome guy walking up to me?" said Anton Mozo, while raising his right hand for a high five. I gave him a full five fingers. But then, he interrupted his own talk when he saw the look on my face.
"Dude what happened?!" he asked. Not feeling in the mood to talk much, I summarized what happened throughout the day and I told him I'll tell the whole story some other time. I just invited him to play Killing Floor™ the next week. I followed up that I had to go.
I met with Rups, Randell and Arlo once I reached a bleacher they have invaded when I was gone. I told them what just happened, particularly when I blew up my speech that I was at a loss of what to say. Disaster indeed. I handed the can of Pringles to Rups and we ate. In a little while though, Rups and Randell had to leave. Arlo remained a little longer since he said he will be company.
As we walked out of the Ateneo, I was just lost, completely lost, as if I didn't have a soul - as if I was a true clown. I didn't know what to do for the rest of the day and the days after. When Arlo parted ways, I just walked in circles around Katipunan wondering what to do. Should I buy a bottle of water? Or a palm-full of candies? Or a pack of cigarettes? But then I remembered I was broke. After mindless walking, I went home. I skipped dinner. I was in my room crying like a lost little gay clown.
-----
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