Chapter 8: Zen Garden

The next day, a Saturday, I hung out with Jeimi again for lunch. Due to some odd fate Bianca happened to see us and spent her time with us, leaving her block mates behind. I told her what happened after Eastwood, including the one where I almost got into a fist fight because of a fucking bottle of Red Horse.

I took out my notebook and I drew her. I got it pretty right though and I enjoyed looking at her again and again. I guess she did not. That's what I call quality time.

Towards the last week of February I tried to distance myself from her. We had three Y!M conversations during that week, all of which were initiated by her. At the evening of the 22nd towards the late midnight of the 23rd, we had this 5-hour-15-minute chat and I told her that I'm backing out. Where? Everything. Everywhere. Her.

Get ready for some drama. Suit yourself.

That's when I learned that she actually cared for me and that I'm not another insignificant fraction of her life story. Every time I tried to project myself as a happy and satisfied person all throughout the conversation, she always kept on asking me if I really was and she consistently doubted all my explanations. Then she shifted her approach to something more touching.

"You're a good friend so far and I enjoy your company. Let's just enjoy the friendship for now. You know, whatever you say right now, I know it hurts and I don't want to hurt you."

Well, that pretty much sums up what she told me on the earlier part of our conversation. She kept on telling me things of the similar story followed up by compliments I've never heard from a girl before. And they were all truthful and sincere which made me feel all beefed up, meaning, that I'm a good person after all. Also, she never ceased asking me if I was okay about withdrawing all my plans.

She killed me though. She said something like, "you're fine." I was stunned and GG-fied as I've always been.

She also added something like, "if I'm not stupid right now you could've gotten the chance."

And to finish me up, "you always make me smile and laugh, you keep me happy."

I was GG-fied twice with apeshit all over my balls. "If you're not there for me, I should've gone crazy by now."

Now that's thrice. Oh my lord.

In the middle of the conversation however, she said something that struck me.

Bianca (2/22/2009 11:18:17 PM): why can't he be like you?

"He."

Lucky guy.

Moving on, there's a paradigm shift when the clock crossed midnight.

"I still want to be friends with you. I now have a new group with you guys and I don't want to lose the friendships that have formed."

"Treat me as an acquaintance then."

"Why? No way. So you do really need space?"

"Well, to establish the barrier."

...

"No, Mike. If you want me to think that things will get better if we don't hang out anymore and the like, even if it'll make me sad, it would be fine by me."

"Not necessarily that way, Bianca. But why would it make you sad?"

...

"Mike, for once, even just for now, can you not think about me?"

"I can, why?"

"Tell me what you would want to tell me, now."

"I can't seem to choose the words."

"Michael Eric Acosta, sorry, I can't chill if you're going on like that."

Anyway, I tried to be as honest and sincere as possible. I've placed my full trust on her at the time and I believed every word she said. I just could not tell her though that I lied when I told her that I can not think of her for a moment - simply because I always do.

More confessions followed afterwards. I guess it was time to be holy. She always insisted though and made it sure that I was okay about everything I've been talking about. In the end, she was powerful enough to convince me,

"Okay fine I'm not withdrawing anymore and I'm taking back everything I've said. I've tried every possible effort to take you off my mind like drowning myself in useless thoughts and listening to more hardcore metal songs and everything else, but still, there's just you."

"Hahaha!"

It was a really long chat but that night was wonderful. I made an alibi that my mom was already scolding me in order to end the conversation though. But to tell the truth, I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to think.

Well aside from being gay at least I made sensible stuff with all my words.

This was one of the last chats we had for February. I didn't talk to her for a week over Y!M, and I've purposefully left my English and History classes early so that I would not get to hang out with her. I made excellent excuses whenever she asked me where I was. Actually, I was in hiding.

Thinking.

Of her.

February 27 and I made another move. We were asked to bring something that we are not for our English class. Then, we have to explain in front of everyone why.

I brought a piece of crumpled paper and written inside it was one of my literary pieces entitled 'The Art of Writing.' Anyway, I bluffed in front of the classroom that I'm not a crumpled paper because I am not useless - that each human being has meaning, and that meaning is given to you by someone else.

Okay that was fishy and everyone knows where it was going to lead to. So I made a spontaneous prank with the on-the-spot assistance of my English teacher.

"Ma'am, kindly allow me to go to this side of the platform so that I can read this piece of mine concealed in a crumpled paper to someone really special to me."

I moved just in front of Bianca, opened the crumpled paper, and said,

"Guys, uhm please keep silent because I need your cooperation so that I would be successful with my plan today," I told the whole class before I started out.

"Dear Bianca," I slowly and romantically delivered. The whole class was having a noise barrage, especially my beloved supporters at the back, Ralph, Vince Mikko, and Dan. Everyone was like "weeewoooweeewaaahh" whatever.

I was supposed to say something like "I just want to tell you that... that... uhhh-- I kid. But I like you, Bianca." But then, I forced myself to stop the joke before I unleash chaos in the classroom. Instead, I said,

"Kidding!" with a big grin on my face.

I saw Bianca all red and she was trying to cover her face. She was smiling too, consequently making her stomp on the floor continuously while sitting. The next moment she was already scratching her head with both hands, with her face having the expression of, "MIIIIIIIKE!!!" Haha that was cute. Everyone was looking at her direction.

I think I did not talk to her after the class. I just left.

I stay late in school not to go to McDonald's anymore, which was what I always did before, but to spend my time lying down in a bench at the Zen Garden, a quadrangle enclosed by the Kostka hall, the Berchman's hall, the Gonzaga hall/cafeteria, and the EDSA walk that leads to Xavier hall, which brought back all the memories.

I spent my time looking at the night sky, enjoying the tranquility and serenity of the place, because I liked to think. I never thought that there would be such a place in Ateneo that would grant me such chance.

Yes Bianca, I've always been thinking of you, and I will always do.

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