Chapter 13: Rejected

Rejections are common realities of life.

March 26, Thursday, the day after a 13-hour adventure with Bianca, I started reviewing for my Theology final exam. It was 12:00 am flat when I opened my notebook and browsed my handouts to run through all my lessons. 13 hours after that, I was finished with my last exam for the semester and I was already sitting down at the cafeteria with Kris and Jeimi.

Later that day, Rups got to hangout with us and Chantal-Denise came over all the way from UP. The whole group sat in at Jeimi's final semester requirement which was a group reporting somewhere in Gonzaga hall. After her group's report, Rups, Chantal and I sneaked out to hang around SEC walk and the cafeteria. Jeimi couldn't leave the class until every group was done presenting, and of course Kris had to be with her so we left the two of them.

We assembled again at the cafeteria at around 5:00 pm and that's when we saw Bianca sitting on another table not far from us. She was with her block mates at the time and she was having fun with them so I did not go over and attempted to star my ass out. Instead, I texted her to look at our direction and wave a hello or something so that we too could say a hi. A sweet girl she was, just after receiving the text message she dropped by our table and said hello to everyone. She quickly left though to go back to her block's table.

I saw Andz walking by and I called him. The two of us sat on another table and I told him every inch of my second semester life in a concise manner since I haven't been with the block guys lately. I also shared my problems with him because I felt like spilling everything within me to a good friend. It was a short yet fruitful and 20-minute quality talk.

"Fight back," he said before he bid farewell. That brought me to my senses since I've been screwing up my ass with my self-inflicted depression.

In a little while Rups and Chantal left for McDonald's to meet up with Danya, another friend. That was a walk to remember for the two. Also, Kris walked Jeimi before she was fetched by her family. Jeimi had to go back to their house in Cavite and she'd be returning by June 2009. She does not have summer classes which left Kris devastated. I knew he'd long for her. So it was only me left on our table. I checked to see if Bianca was still at the cafeteria but she was gone. Kris returned though after bidding farewell to Jeimi.

It was 5:30 pm when Kris and I left the cafeteria. We wanted to go to McDonald's to catch up with the others. But just as we were walking at EDSA walk, I chanced to scan the Zen Garden since we were walking slow as hell. Voila, there was Bianca seated on a bleacher together with her block mates. Her back was on us so we didn't bother to say hello again. That was the last time I saw Bianca for the semester and the last time I've seen her so far.

We went to McDonald's Katipunan afterwards and met Rups, Chantal and Danya although only Danya remained to hang out with us until 6:30. Danya would be meeting her friends in a short while. Eventually Kris and I had to go home. I thanked him yet again because he brought me to my place; we were feeling down at the time and he wanted to have company before he went home that's why he offered me a free ride.

Friday, the following day, I dropped by Ian's place because I'd be going to school and he wanted me to submit my History paper (about the museum visit) together with his paper since he had to review for an exam the next day. After submission, I went to McDonald's to meet up with Chantal and Richie, a high school classmate, and we waited for company before proceeding to have a drink at Coastnet. I had to leave early though because it was the last day of my grandfather's wake who passed last March 21.

March 28 and my grandfather was brought to his resting place.

BV: Bad vibes. Why? Everything would be the best answer.

Later that evening I was online and chatting with Bianca. We were talking about her photoshoot the Tuesday before about the Seven Capital Sins. She was asking me if her poses were effective or something, especially the 'lust' part. It was an epic picture by the way. Ask her if you want a copy.

"You've conveyed the message just right," I told her.

Midnight of March 29, 2009 we were still talking with the aid of my buddy, Yahoo! Messenger,

"Mike, promise me you won't be doing what you told me a while ago," she suddenly blurted from out of the blue.

"What was that?" I think I was drinking the time I told her the goddamn thing.

"That you'll be messing up..."

"I'm a mess. So I'd rather have you forget about me and not worry about things that concern me."

"Do you think I'm that kind of person? Someone who can forget?"

"Certainly no, but thinking of me would simply be a waste of time."

"You're breaking our deal. You're looking down at yourself again," I remembered I signed this pact before that I won't be doing such a thing, looking down on myself and the like.

"Hmmm, let me rephrase it then."

"Oh no you're not."

"It's not quite right that you give some of your time to me. There are more important things in your world."

"It's still the same thing."

"But it's true."

"Well, it's still the same so no matter how hard you try to rephrase it... you lose. :-P"

Oh well. She was really sweet, but then, I changed the topic to alter the course of the talk.

March 31, 2009. Tuesday. Me and my ass and balls and everything else were GG-fied.

"Sorry, Mike. :-) As much as you'd want me to forget you, you're part of my life now, all my friends are. :-) And as long as I'm here you're pretty much stuck with me. You won't be able to stop me from trying to help you get back on track again. :-P"

Whu-what was that? My balls dropped and I couldn't find them on the floor. She sent me that text message because I think I was drunk when I told her that she must forget me. That was something that pulled me out of my drunken state. I've been drinking a hell lot, yes.

Damn drama. I just wanted her to chill because she seemed stressed out the last time I saw her and she got drunk that goddamn night. I told Ian about this though.

"Just see how it plays out, right?" he told me.

"So how do I do that?"

"Just go with the flow."

So you may wonder what the hell's wrong with me. I don't even know it myself.

It was 1:00 am of April 3, 2009 when I logged in to AISIS Online. It was supposed to be available at around 12:00 am but then the site underwent maintenance and everyone was requested to log in an hour after. Really anxious, I had no choice but to wait.

After seeing my grade, I knew I was screwed. I texted Bianca at 1:11 am and told her I'm going to be kicked out. I think I woke her up though. She immediately replied,

"How'd you know?"

"AISIS."

She was online in 2 minutes time and was already talking to me over Y!M but I changed the topic (as I always do) from my failure to something more enjoyable to talk about. I didn't want her to see that I was down but I thanked her for the concern.

A sweet farewell I give to Ateneo de Manila University,
A sweet chapter of my existence and mortality,
A sweet memory of the fairest lady,
A sweet truth which I have yet to see...

Bianca... Oh, April 4 was her birthday by the way. Happy Birthday!

As much as I'd like to forget about everything, I just couldn't. She was irresistible. And I've already stuck that to mind.

I've always kept on rejecting myself. I'm a reject - making rejections common, making rejections more than a possibility but a truth and a reality.

I'm a metalhead but I admit that that sounds fucking emo.

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