Chapter 6: Embers

For the past six months I have continually devastated myself with thoughts which never cease in yielding catastrophic results. For example, there are days that I normally consume 3 to 5 packs of cigarettes. Imagine one pack in one sitting. And smoking comes in as more enjoyable when you're drinking. You don't feel the heat and roughness in your throat. Add to that my adjusted alcohol tolerance of 2 beer buckets and still not drunk - that is human development, my dear friends.

In the efforts of minimizing my alcohol intake I tried to save up for microphones but I ended up saving more drinking money for Fridays (since I drink everyday for the previous semester). And when I eventually ran out of immediate cash at hand, chain smoking became my new found buddy buddy. I mean, Marlboro does a good job on making you high with nicotine and at the same time completely puts your voice in chaos after 100 sticks in less than 24 hours.

Well of course, to put my budget in equilibrium, I seldom eat with the excuse that I'm broke of course, but in truth I spend all my money for 3-5 packs of cigarettes each morning and I save up like 60-80 pesos for two bottles of beer during evenings. I don't do drugs though.

Now that my efforts of stopping these habits are futile, I realized that a greater effort I've exerted way beforehand was much more futile - which is trying to stop depression. I realized that doing so is apeshit. You're like a piece of a stinking dog poop right next to a tsunami and the next moment you're fucking converted to rancid gorilla urine. That's how helpless I was. I wouldn't spill the details in here though because it's just gay. Moreover, I'd rather have you, my readers, ask me personally, and perhaps you can treat me with a drink or something. I'm thanking you in advance as you're reading this so while I'm still alive you better give me that cigarette stick and beer bottle. We may not be enjoying the same scene tomorrow.

And whenever we're in that classic scene of smoking and drinking on some corner of a resto or bar, I'd tell you all the wonderful memories I've had with a very special person to me, because honestly, I so miss all of those. What was hard for me was when I saw that very relationship I worked hard for and invested so much time into falter in front of my very eyes, of which I didn't have any fucking idea WHY, leaving me nothing but hopelessness. I mean, I can't do anything about it while it's crashing down into a million pieces and all the happiness it contained dissipated into nothingness.

Of course I picked up every single piece with my broken hands wondering where have I gone wrong, yet some parts were missing, or there were some regions of that relationship that I couldn't put back into place. Also, that relationship may not be working for me but I don't really care. I just want it back to the state when I was still cherishing it: nothing more, nothing less. That's all that I've asked from God.

God.

HAHA. March 25, 2009. I told Him that I wasn't loving somebody for the sake of having a partner, or more temporally to fulfill my own satisfaction which is selfish happiness. I told Him that I loved somebody for that someone's happiness which I hope I was able to attain even just for the slightest time. Despite being gay, I lived to this principle up until now. I content myself with simple joys. Nothing comes greater than that but her happiness.

I live like this every single day ever since the grand conjuration. I am still haunted by the question "What did I do for everything to end up this way?" like a fucking son of a clown. I see no way out that's why I'm proclaiming such helplessness here in virtual reality while escaping my reality in the process. I'd appreciate it if you don't concern yourself with me 'cause I'm just fine, still breathing, still existing - so no worries for that. I'll keep my worrying to myself and I'd like it to be that way. Mind you, I'd rather have you guys take the chill life. I have my cig and my alcohol to spend my time with anyway and that is more than enough to entertain me for the rest of my days aside from writing. My silent days in Kalayaan College are quite over because my happiness has been distorted to something indecipherable.

And you know what, I found the most sensible thing on earth a while ago.

I'd start shutting up.

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Good bye and Merry Christmas, Bianca.

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[END]