I made this chapter the same day after I came home from Katipunan. There was this event there called "Under the Stars." But because I was unable to meet with friends due to unexplainable circumstances (including waiting for Brian for more than an hour and he still didn't show up), I went to McDonald's instead and had dinner alone. And as I was finishing up my cheeseburger, I remembered this incident about a year ago.
It was Under the Stars 2008. I didn't have any goddamn idea that there was such happening in school (when I was still in the Ateneo) until Ian, a friend and a neighbor, told me through a text message that Bianca was there.
"Dude, do you know about Under the Stars?"
"Wtf is that?" I asnwered, thinking it was some chick flick film or a gay-ass book.
"It's this event at the SOM field and it's happening NOW."
"So?"
"Bianca's there."
I was shocked of course because I didn't have any single idea that an event was happening at school and I was at home playing my all-time favorite DotA. That's stalking fail number 1. I immediately replied and asked Ian what Under the Stars was all about. Well, he didn't explain much.
"Uhhh you star gaze I think? With a date..."
"Who is she with?!"
"She won't tell."
"CONVINCE, DUDE."
"Nah, good luck with that."
"Come on man. We're friends. Besides, I thought you were my wingman?"
"It isn't a big deal, really. Relax. And good luck!"
Damn Ian. I lost my DotA game, and more than that, I lost another opportunity. You know, I can't miss chances like these. But I couldn't do anything anyway at that time so I just played more games all throughout the night so as to take my mind off things.
And back to the present, as I was finishing up my hot fudge sundae, I kept on missing her every second. Perhaps I even looked like a little idiot at McDo, sitting with nobody but my classical guitar my dad gave me three years ago. Of course I'll be suffering the same ordeal for the whole evening so I decided to go home immediately. I took a cab just outside and as I was on the road home, I remembered the night of the 30th of January - I was on the very same scene, looking at the sky which almost seemed starless, hoping that Bianca was enjoying the same perspective.
Optimism aside, everything else is bullshit. Life in general is. May we be under the stars, the deep black sky, the rain, the rays of the sun, the hands of fate, the eyes of the gods, or whatever - we suffer. We are powerless against ourselves and our own fate.
Under the stars is not the best place to be; 6 feet under is the best way out, with much sarcasm.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Friday, December 4, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Chapter 3: Killing Floor
It was just the second week of classes when Kris texted me on a Monday noon if I was free for the rest of the day. I replied that I was just bumming around since I had nothing to do. That's when he told me to go to Katipunan and meet up with him. He wanted to play this little game he tried the previous week.
June 22, 2009. 2:20 pm.
I opened the door of Him5 Webtown, the internet cafe I've always been at ever since I migrated from Blueskies, and found Kris sitting on a seat somewhere in a bunch of rows of desktop computers. The moment he saw me, he immediately pointed his finger to the monitor in front of him, signaling me to look on what he's playing.
Zed time.
In the game and in the real life as well. So you may be wondering what this zed time is. Basically it triggers once the player was able to execute a head shot to an enemy. The more head shots in a streak, the longer the zed time is. The maximum is about 3 consecutive shots and the game play is back to normal speed rather than the ultra-slow motion ultra-awesome ultra-gruesome enemy-slaying scene.
I was pretty much interested in trying Killing Floor so I took a seat right next to Kris and started a multiplayer game mode.
READ THIS.
What makes Killing Floor a big deal then? I've been playing KF the whole of June and July every single day except Sundays (because it's a family day and Him5 is closed in this day of the week). Why the addiction? Now that's a better question. Everytime I play this game I sort of get myself very much immersed into a parallel void which devoids me of the thought that I am in a different world. I forget all my problems and frustrations which hinders me from depression.
It is this extreme - the moment I've spent all my money and walk out of Him5, I literally go...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"
Because all the slings and arrows of my outrageous fortune comes back at me in an instant. And I walk home in a very slow manner, with my head looking down, with my feet taking small steps, with my mind thinking of course of Bianca. It's because we haven't been talking lately and I rarely see her online. She wouldn't respond to some text messages. I can't even spot her around Ateneo. Simply put, I missed her to the point that I go home with a very uneasy feeling and to the point that I couldn't sleep every single night even if my limbs have been exhausted with a day's trip and with my eyes tired to the hours spent playing Killing Floor.
Ah yes, Killing Floor. What do I really kill in the floor of this game? During that time? During that part of the day?
Reality.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
June 22, 2009. 2:20 pm.
I opened the door of Him5 Webtown, the internet cafe I've always been at ever since I migrated from Blueskies, and found Kris sitting on a seat somewhere in a bunch of rows of desktop computers. The moment he saw me, he immediately pointed his finger to the monitor in front of him, signaling me to look on what he's playing.
Zed time.
In the game and in the real life as well. So you may be wondering what this zed time is. Basically it triggers once the player was able to execute a head shot to an enemy. The more head shots in a streak, the longer the zed time is. The maximum is about 3 consecutive shots and the game play is back to normal speed rather than the ultra-slow motion ultra-awesome ultra-gruesome enemy-slaying scene.
I was pretty much interested in trying Killing Floor so I took a seat right next to Kris and started a multiplayer game mode.
READ THIS.
What makes Killing Floor a big deal then? I've been playing KF the whole of June and July every single day except Sundays (because it's a family day and Him5 is closed in this day of the week). Why the addiction? Now that's a better question. Everytime I play this game I sort of get myself very much immersed into a parallel void which devoids me of the thought that I am in a different world. I forget all my problems and frustrations which hinders me from depression.
It is this extreme - the moment I've spent all my money and walk out of Him5, I literally go...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"
Because all the slings and arrows of my outrageous fortune comes back at me in an instant. And I walk home in a very slow manner, with my head looking down, with my feet taking small steps, with my mind thinking of course of Bianca. It's because we haven't been talking lately and I rarely see her online. She wouldn't respond to some text messages. I can't even spot her around Ateneo. Simply put, I missed her to the point that I go home with a very uneasy feeling and to the point that I couldn't sleep every single night even if my limbs have been exhausted with a day's trip and with my eyes tired to the hours spent playing Killing Floor.
Ah yes, Killing Floor. What do I really kill in the floor of this game? During that time? During that part of the day?
Reality.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Chapter 2: Grand Conjuration
Thursday. August 27, 2009. 4:20 pm.
9 days have passed since I saw myself as a clown. I was with Rups, Arlo and Randell on the same train - LRT Line 2 - on our way to Katipunan, the second to the last station with Santolan being the last. I am schoolmates with these guys and we hang out every single break time. And now I tugged them along since I have been planning something intense for that afternoon, or perhaps, the early hours of the evening. They agreed to be with me anyway.
The first Katipunan stop we headed to was Ministop because I wanted to buy a bag of Cheetos Flaming Hot or Cheetos Crunchy Cheddar for Bianca. The last time we saw each other was June 16 and it has been two months since I have been missing someone essential to my existence. I know she liked Cheetos and I'd like to give her one as a surprise since I was broke that time and had nothing up my sleeves other than 150 bucks since mum didn't give me any allowance that day. Unfortunately, Ministop ran out of supplies and so we headed to 7-11 on foot.
The convenience store was equally out of stock of my favorite Cheetos so I just decided to purchase a can of Pringles Cheddar Cheese. It was 5:00 pm when we were walking along the footbridge near the Gate 2.5 of Ateneo. We were to go to the Case Study Room (CSR) at the ground floor of the Social Sciences Building to wait for Bianca's dismissal. We easily breezed through the security with the excuse that we were to attend some sort of a seminar or a communication class at the CSR. Now that's a good lie.
It was roughly 5:15 pm when we took a bleacher a good distance in front of the SocSci building because I am playing safe, or rather, I don't want Bianca or anyone for that matter to know that I am around. Rups and I just kept on looking to check if someone familiar or Bianca would happen to see us because there were people going in and out of the CSR, and there were people too having class-related group discussions just outside the room. I even asked Rups to patrol the surrounding area just to be safe, with the excuse that whenever he is caught roaming around by Bianca or a friend of hers, he'd just make up an excuse that he was there to meet up with someone else.
While Rups was doing his job, I was planning my speech together with Arlo and Randell - knowing what to say, the chronology, the tone, overall delivery and everything else as if I was in a communication class too. The two didn't really prepare something grand for me other than the all-glorious tip that always works: be composed and honest, even if spontaneous. But still, my mind was crowded with little thoughts here and there. I wanted to say some things yet I felt like I shouldn't say them. It was seriously confusing for me to think of what to say considering that Bianca's going home once she is dismissed and that I wouldn't have the time to say what I really want to say completely.
Rups returned to our bleacher in around 5 minutes and briefed me. He didn't know for sure if the people outside the CSR belonged to Bianca's class. The good thing is that he didn't see some acquaintance around else we would've blown our cover. Now all we had to do was wait for 5:50 pm to strike and that's when we come in.
Well, around 5:30 pm the people just outside the CSR moved out to where I don't know or I don't remember. That's when the four of us moved in to the optimal spot of ambushing Bianca once she gets out of the room. Seating on a spot near the door made me very nervous. Every single door creak makes my heart skip a beat that I was even sweating due to extreme stress. I felt that I wasn't prepared for this and at the back of my mind I even considered backing out - but it's already there and what I'm practically left to do is to go up to her and just talk.
At last the bell rung and I immediately went to my position - there's this glass divider that covers the entrance of the restroom just beside the CSR. I stood near there so that I can watch every single face that walks out of the room. Rups stood near the door of the CSR, waiting for Bianca to show up.
I checked my phone because it vibrated and I read mum's message on why I still wasn't home when I was supposed to be. But before I could finish reading the SMS, I heard Rups call out in an excited tone.
"Ui Bianca! Hahah!" in his classic laugh.
"Hey Rups! What are you doing here?" Bianca responded lively. That's when I looked at her and saw her smile yet again. I've been missing that view since the 16th of June and now I have it. And it's gorgeous. As I slipped my phone into my pocket and coughed so as to prepare for my little hello, Rups answered back to her.
"We're here to visit you. Mike's with me!" Rups told in a really big smile which made me smile too. He then pointed at my direction.
Bianca just passed in front of me without any eye contact. She went straight to the restroom instead. I knew something went really wrong - something must have been conjured so fast that quelled her smile as quickly as it came. Of course everybody's faces were like "dude wtf" but then I have to keep my composure indeed in order to execute my grand conjuration - a line I've been planning to say so as to clear all the mess up. I'm not really into explaining that mess though.
5 more minutes, as I was holding my ground right beside the glass divider a few feet perpendicular from the corridor of the restroom, Bianca emerged from the entrance and then slowly looked at me. And every single time I remember the look of that face and those once happy beautiful eyes, I shed a fucking tear. It's gay but I have no means of stopping it. The expression she had was indescribable that I kept asking myself if it was anger, or hatred, or confusion, or sadness, or whatever. It just struck me right on the spot that I didn't know how to react. Before she could pass me again though, I started.
"Bianca, I want to talk you."
She answered in a nod, but she didn't look up. Nor did she look at me. I continued.
"Are you going home?"
"Yes."
"Ah I see. Are you going to your car? If then, I'm going to walk with you."
"I'm fine."
"I just want to talk to you."
What lacked was the word 'please.' Step 1 of the composure speech thingy was already incomplete but the whole process has begun. She started walking towards Xavier hall. I didn't know what to say already and I forgot the goddamn chronology of the speech I planned for days. I literally crammed words into my mouth that I myself, at that moment, didn't know if I was making sense. I just kept my talk going. Yes - my talk that is because she was silent.
Fast forward, I was just in front of her car door in the parking lot right across Xavier after a conversation and she started her car's engine. We bid each other good bye and she closed her door. That was it for me. The day was already over. I pulled my bangs down, put my cap on, and cried. In silence, that is. Pure trails of tears poured from my eyes that I couldn't even look up. My efforts of stopping such have been of no use. So instead, I placed both of my hands behind my head with my right palm still holding the can of Pringles she declined from me and I was just looking down while walking my way back to the three who were waiting for me just outside the CSR. True enough, I failed my grand conjuration. Bianca delivered something much more powerful - a more extreme truth than what I had to say. Apparently fate has conjured something grand for me. I was a clown enough to even dare conjure something grand for it.
When I was almost at the SocSci building, a familiar voice pulled my senses from oblivion.
"Hey who's this handsome guy walking up to me?" said Anton Mozo, while raising his right hand for a high five. I gave him a full five fingers. But then, he interrupted his own talk when he saw the look on my face.
"Dude what happened?!" he asked. Not feeling in the mood to talk much, I summarized what happened throughout the day and I told him I'll tell the whole story some other time. I just invited him to play Killing Floor™ the next week. I followed up that I had to go.
I met with Rups, Randell and Arlo once I reached a bleacher they have invaded when I was gone. I told them what just happened, particularly when I blew up my speech that I was at a loss of what to say. Disaster indeed. I handed the can of Pringles to Rups and we ate. In a little while though, Rups and Randell had to leave. Arlo remained a little longer since he said he will be company.
As we walked out of the Ateneo, I was just lost, completely lost, as if I didn't have a soul - as if I was a true clown. I didn't know what to do for the rest of the day and the days after. When Arlo parted ways, I just walked in circles around Katipunan wondering what to do. Should I buy a bottle of water? Or a palm-full of candies? Or a pack of cigarettes? But then I remembered I was broke. After mindless walking, I went home. I skipped dinner. I was in my room crying like a lost little gay clown.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
9 days have passed since I saw myself as a clown. I was with Rups, Arlo and Randell on the same train - LRT Line 2 - on our way to Katipunan, the second to the last station with Santolan being the last. I am schoolmates with these guys and we hang out every single break time. And now I tugged them along since I have been planning something intense for that afternoon, or perhaps, the early hours of the evening. They agreed to be with me anyway.
The first Katipunan stop we headed to was Ministop because I wanted to buy a bag of Cheetos Flaming Hot or Cheetos Crunchy Cheddar for Bianca. The last time we saw each other was June 16 and it has been two months since I have been missing someone essential to my existence. I know she liked Cheetos and I'd like to give her one as a surprise since I was broke that time and had nothing up my sleeves other than 150 bucks since mum didn't give me any allowance that day. Unfortunately, Ministop ran out of supplies and so we headed to 7-11 on foot.
The convenience store was equally out of stock of my favorite Cheetos so I just decided to purchase a can of Pringles Cheddar Cheese. It was 5:00 pm when we were walking along the footbridge near the Gate 2.5 of Ateneo. We were to go to the Case Study Room (CSR) at the ground floor of the Social Sciences Building to wait for Bianca's dismissal. We easily breezed through the security with the excuse that we were to attend some sort of a seminar or a communication class at the CSR. Now that's a good lie.
It was roughly 5:15 pm when we took a bleacher a good distance in front of the SocSci building because I am playing safe, or rather, I don't want Bianca or anyone for that matter to know that I am around. Rups and I just kept on looking to check if someone familiar or Bianca would happen to see us because there were people going in and out of the CSR, and there were people too having class-related group discussions just outside the room. I even asked Rups to patrol the surrounding area just to be safe, with the excuse that whenever he is caught roaming around by Bianca or a friend of hers, he'd just make up an excuse that he was there to meet up with someone else.
While Rups was doing his job, I was planning my speech together with Arlo and Randell - knowing what to say, the chronology, the tone, overall delivery and everything else as if I was in a communication class too. The two didn't really prepare something grand for me other than the all-glorious tip that always works: be composed and honest, even if spontaneous. But still, my mind was crowded with little thoughts here and there. I wanted to say some things yet I felt like I shouldn't say them. It was seriously confusing for me to think of what to say considering that Bianca's going home once she is dismissed and that I wouldn't have the time to say what I really want to say completely.
Rups returned to our bleacher in around 5 minutes and briefed me. He didn't know for sure if the people outside the CSR belonged to Bianca's class. The good thing is that he didn't see some acquaintance around else we would've blown our cover. Now all we had to do was wait for 5:50 pm to strike and that's when we come in.
Well, around 5:30 pm the people just outside the CSR moved out to where I don't know or I don't remember. That's when the four of us moved in to the optimal spot of ambushing Bianca once she gets out of the room. Seating on a spot near the door made me very nervous. Every single door creak makes my heart skip a beat that I was even sweating due to extreme stress. I felt that I wasn't prepared for this and at the back of my mind I even considered backing out - but it's already there and what I'm practically left to do is to go up to her and just talk.
At last the bell rung and I immediately went to my position - there's this glass divider that covers the entrance of the restroom just beside the CSR. I stood near there so that I can watch every single face that walks out of the room. Rups stood near the door of the CSR, waiting for Bianca to show up.
I checked my phone because it vibrated and I read mum's message on why I still wasn't home when I was supposed to be. But before I could finish reading the SMS, I heard Rups call out in an excited tone.
"Ui Bianca! Hahah!" in his classic laugh.
"Hey Rups! What are you doing here?" Bianca responded lively. That's when I looked at her and saw her smile yet again. I've been missing that view since the 16th of June and now I have it. And it's gorgeous. As I slipped my phone into my pocket and coughed so as to prepare for my little hello, Rups answered back to her.
"We're here to visit you. Mike's with me!" Rups told in a really big smile which made me smile too. He then pointed at my direction.
Bianca just passed in front of me without any eye contact. She went straight to the restroom instead. I knew something went really wrong - something must have been conjured so fast that quelled her smile as quickly as it came. Of course everybody's faces were like "dude wtf" but then I have to keep my composure indeed in order to execute my grand conjuration - a line I've been planning to say so as to clear all the mess up. I'm not really into explaining that mess though.
5 more minutes, as I was holding my ground right beside the glass divider a few feet perpendicular from the corridor of the restroom, Bianca emerged from the entrance and then slowly looked at me. And every single time I remember the look of that face and those once happy beautiful eyes, I shed a fucking tear. It's gay but I have no means of stopping it. The expression she had was indescribable that I kept asking myself if it was anger, or hatred, or confusion, or sadness, or whatever. It just struck me right on the spot that I didn't know how to react. Before she could pass me again though, I started.
"Bianca, I want to talk you."
She answered in a nod, but she didn't look up. Nor did she look at me. I continued.
"Are you going home?"
"Yes."
"Ah I see. Are you going to your car? If then, I'm going to walk with you."
"I'm fine."
"I just want to talk to you."
What lacked was the word 'please.' Step 1 of the composure speech thingy was already incomplete but the whole process has begun. She started walking towards Xavier hall. I didn't know what to say already and I forgot the goddamn chronology of the speech I planned for days. I literally crammed words into my mouth that I myself, at that moment, didn't know if I was making sense. I just kept my talk going. Yes - my talk that is because she was silent.
Fast forward, I was just in front of her car door in the parking lot right across Xavier after a conversation and she started her car's engine. We bid each other good bye and she closed her door. That was it for me. The day was already over. I pulled my bangs down, put my cap on, and cried. In silence, that is. Pure trails of tears poured from my eyes that I couldn't even look up. My efforts of stopping such have been of no use. So instead, I placed both of my hands behind my head with my right palm still holding the can of Pringles she declined from me and I was just looking down while walking my way back to the three who were waiting for me just outside the CSR. True enough, I failed my grand conjuration. Bianca delivered something much more powerful - a more extreme truth than what I had to say. Apparently fate has conjured something grand for me. I was a clown enough to even dare conjure something grand for it.
When I was almost at the SocSci building, a familiar voice pulled my senses from oblivion.
"Hey who's this handsome guy walking up to me?" said Anton Mozo, while raising his right hand for a high five. I gave him a full five fingers. But then, he interrupted his own talk when he saw the look on my face.
"Dude what happened?!" he asked. Not feeling in the mood to talk much, I summarized what happened throughout the day and I told him I'll tell the whole story some other time. I just invited him to play Killing Floor™ the next week. I followed up that I had to go.
I met with Rups, Randell and Arlo once I reached a bleacher they have invaded when I was gone. I told them what just happened, particularly when I blew up my speech that I was at a loss of what to say. Disaster indeed. I handed the can of Pringles to Rups and we ate. In a little while though, Rups and Randell had to leave. Arlo remained a little longer since he said he will be company.
As we walked out of the Ateneo, I was just lost, completely lost, as if I didn't have a soul - as if I was a true clown. I didn't know what to do for the rest of the day and the days after. When Arlo parted ways, I just walked in circles around Katipunan wondering what to do. Should I buy a bottle of water? Or a palm-full of candies? Or a pack of cigarettes? But then I remembered I was broke. After mindless walking, I went home. I skipped dinner. I was in my room crying like a lost little gay clown.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Chapter 1: Coulrophobia
Curly, fancy hair in various colors and volume; big, round, red nose; thick, weird lips; white face; irritating laugh; mime-like gestures and a stupid derogatory outfit - a clown.
The world has had too much of clowns. They are about 95% of the world's human population and their numbers have exponentially increased in time since the birth of intellect. Imagine the shit out of that and the next thing you know you're already a fucking clown yourself. As much as you'd want to be not one of them, you're fortunately born to be one. You're not born free; you're born clown. It is your destiny, if ever you believed that shit.
You. Destined to be a clown some day, oh yes. How very interesting for a human being to turn into rancid cock sauce don't you think? Well, do clowns really believe in destiny?
For one thing, clowns appear to be good-for-nothing idiots who are brave, or rather intellectual enough to kindly dehumanize themselves in order to bring about entertainment to our hearts. Have you ever imagined though the souls within those clowns? Do they really have souls? Do they have their religions, or furthermore do they believe in a god or their gods? What is inside a clown's idiotic brain? What do clowns feel? Do clowns eat? Do they shit? Where do clowns live? Do they really belong in Disneyland? Don't they have any other form of transportation aside from gay pink unicycles? Do clowns have genders? Do they get to have some sex? Do they watch porn? Is there such a thing as clown porn? Well, yes to the last one, not that I've already seen one. I just think that there are clown fetishes.
You see, there are so many unanswerable questions clowns give you. And these questions are endless - one will lead to another and give birth to another and another and so on until they clown the fuck your wits off. It makes your complete rational thinking a bizarre circus. Well then, clowns tick you. In short, no matter what they do, pulling out a balloon and blowing it up into a fucking Barney or something, they fail. Come to think of it, clowns never did entertain you since childhood, as if having fun of them never seemed enough.
Clowns do piss you off. If you enjoyed being with a clown you should have some sort of a brain ailment. If you enjoyed being a clown however, you must have swallowed a whole dildo when you were young. But don't worry, almost everyone IS a clown. Almost.
That makes me sad. Whenever I am alone, sitting on a bench somewhere in this forsaken land, I see a clown pass in front of me wheeling a gay pink unicycle with balloons and is being chased by another clown blowing a dozen trumpets at once and they seem to be having fun. On the same bench I'm with a clown playing solitaire where all the cards of his deck are Jacks of Hearts and he has been doing a magic trick where all of the Jacks looked like they were jacking off. From afar a clown is flying paper planes that explode in mid-air into bits and pieces that scatter lots of candies for so many little clowns to gather. And when they are picking up what they can, a fucking blimp with a clown's face on it crashes down to them and poof - a circus appears, just like every other building in this goddamn city except for the McDonald's branches nationwide.
Clowns are here, clowns are there, clowns are everywhere. I've only seen so few of us who are normal, normal in a sense that we still don't feel like clowning around just like everyone else does. As the clown right beside me pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, I stood up and walked away. I saw the clown ignite it and poof - a fucking tiny clown as big as the lighter appeared flying just in front of me like a fly. In it's tiny voice it tried to sing something like:
"YOU sir are a clown."
"I know," the bigger clown responded.
Poof. The little asshole disappeared. I pulled out my own pack of cigarettes and got my fingers a stick, lit a small flame, took a puff and walked away - no clown. I don't really get the randomness of these clowns.
The world is now a fucking circus. It isn't real anymore. It makes me ask myself why almost everyone turned into clowns. I hate this world now for every single tree in every single block is pink or blue or violet in color. Every single car is a jack-in-a-box with wheels. Every pedestrian sells balloons for a living. Everyone seems to have juggling balls as a hobby. Every sound you hear is either a poof or a toink or some circus tune. There's a parade of clowns here and there. There is no government. There is no anarchy. There is no chaos. There is just an enormous circus with running elephants chased by a mob of idiotic clowns in various outfits.
The happier thing is that some people are not really clowns but they do strive hard to be clowns. Some fully-grown clowns do not want to be fully-grown clowns. Some clowns deserve to die.
I took the train on my way home. Almost everyone left in the second to the last station in the train's route. I was alone on my bench and right across me is a window. The longer I stared at it, the more I could make out my reflection. And as I was staring blankly ahead I realized that my hair is something frizzy, shooting up like an afro, and every single strand is orange. In shock, I looked down to see my shoes gone and I'm in a big red fancy footwear with no goddamn brand. My chucks are nowhere in sight. My palms are turning thick white in color. My bag is turning into a bunch of tied balloons. My jeans are turning into pajamas with polka dots and stripes. And before I realized it, the train stopped at the last station and the doors opened. I hurriedly left my seat and pulled my phone from my pocket to inform any normal friend that I am turning to some sort of a fucking clown.
Poof. My cellular phone is now a fucking jack-in-a-box and it pointed at me, laughing. I can feel the thick make up on my face. I ran into the nearest window in the station to see my reflection. I am now...
A fucking shit...
Of a clown.
With balloons tied on my right wrist, I slowly descended the stairs towards the exit. I don't know what to feel but an epiphany - my fears have become phobias - and when I passed right through the fucking exit, I realized I was laughing, laughing so hard like a true clown. Yes, the irritating one. I seemed to envy every clown around me playing with cards and juggling balls and blowing fire while riding cute little unicycles or flying up the sky with a hundred balloons tied on the neck.
My greatest fear is myself.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
The world has had too much of clowns. They are about 95% of the world's human population and their numbers have exponentially increased in time since the birth of intellect. Imagine the shit out of that and the next thing you know you're already a fucking clown yourself. As much as you'd want to be not one of them, you're fortunately born to be one. You're not born free; you're born clown. It is your destiny, if ever you believed that shit.
You. Destined to be a clown some day, oh yes. How very interesting for a human being to turn into rancid cock sauce don't you think? Well, do clowns really believe in destiny?
For one thing, clowns appear to be good-for-nothing idiots who are brave, or rather intellectual enough to kindly dehumanize themselves in order to bring about entertainment to our hearts. Have you ever imagined though the souls within those clowns? Do they really have souls? Do they have their religions, or furthermore do they believe in a god or their gods? What is inside a clown's idiotic brain? What do clowns feel? Do clowns eat? Do they shit? Where do clowns live? Do they really belong in Disneyland? Don't they have any other form of transportation aside from gay pink unicycles? Do clowns have genders? Do they get to have some sex? Do they watch porn? Is there such a thing as clown porn? Well, yes to the last one, not that I've already seen one. I just think that there are clown fetishes.
You see, there are so many unanswerable questions clowns give you. And these questions are endless - one will lead to another and give birth to another and another and so on until they clown the fuck your wits off. It makes your complete rational thinking a bizarre circus. Well then, clowns tick you. In short, no matter what they do, pulling out a balloon and blowing it up into a fucking Barney or something, they fail. Come to think of it, clowns never did entertain you since childhood, as if having fun of them never seemed enough.
Clowns do piss you off. If you enjoyed being with a clown you should have some sort of a brain ailment. If you enjoyed being a clown however, you must have swallowed a whole dildo when you were young. But don't worry, almost everyone IS a clown. Almost.
That makes me sad. Whenever I am alone, sitting on a bench somewhere in this forsaken land, I see a clown pass in front of me wheeling a gay pink unicycle with balloons and is being chased by another clown blowing a dozen trumpets at once and they seem to be having fun. On the same bench I'm with a clown playing solitaire where all the cards of his deck are Jacks of Hearts and he has been doing a magic trick where all of the Jacks looked like they were jacking off. From afar a clown is flying paper planes that explode in mid-air into bits and pieces that scatter lots of candies for so many little clowns to gather. And when they are picking up what they can, a fucking blimp with a clown's face on it crashes down to them and poof - a circus appears, just like every other building in this goddamn city except for the McDonald's branches nationwide.
Clowns are here, clowns are there, clowns are everywhere. I've only seen so few of us who are normal, normal in a sense that we still don't feel like clowning around just like everyone else does. As the clown right beside me pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, I stood up and walked away. I saw the clown ignite it and poof - a fucking tiny clown as big as the lighter appeared flying just in front of me like a fly. In it's tiny voice it tried to sing something like:
"YOU sir are a clown."
"I know," the bigger clown responded.
Poof. The little asshole disappeared. I pulled out my own pack of cigarettes and got my fingers a stick, lit a small flame, took a puff and walked away - no clown. I don't really get the randomness of these clowns.
The world is now a fucking circus. It isn't real anymore. It makes me ask myself why almost everyone turned into clowns. I hate this world now for every single tree in every single block is pink or blue or violet in color. Every single car is a jack-in-a-box with wheels. Every pedestrian sells balloons for a living. Everyone seems to have juggling balls as a hobby. Every sound you hear is either a poof or a toink or some circus tune. There's a parade of clowns here and there. There is no government. There is no anarchy. There is no chaos. There is just an enormous circus with running elephants chased by a mob of idiotic clowns in various outfits.
The happier thing is that some people are not really clowns but they do strive hard to be clowns. Some fully-grown clowns do not want to be fully-grown clowns. Some clowns deserve to die.
I took the train on my way home. Almost everyone left in the second to the last station in the train's route. I was alone on my bench and right across me is a window. The longer I stared at it, the more I could make out my reflection. And as I was staring blankly ahead I realized that my hair is something frizzy, shooting up like an afro, and every single strand is orange. In shock, I looked down to see my shoes gone and I'm in a big red fancy footwear with no goddamn brand. My chucks are nowhere in sight. My palms are turning thick white in color. My bag is turning into a bunch of tied balloons. My jeans are turning into pajamas with polka dots and stripes. And before I realized it, the train stopped at the last station and the doors opened. I hurriedly left my seat and pulled my phone from my pocket to inform any normal friend that I am turning to some sort of a fucking clown.
Poof. My cellular phone is now a fucking jack-in-a-box and it pointed at me, laughing. I can feel the thick make up on my face. I ran into the nearest window in the station to see my reflection. I am now...
A fucking shit...
Of a clown.
With balloons tied on my right wrist, I slowly descended the stairs towards the exit. I don't know what to feel but an epiphany - my fears have become phobias - and when I passed right through the fucking exit, I realized I was laughing, laughing so hard like a true clown. Yes, the irritating one. I seemed to envy every clown around me playing with cards and juggling balls and blowing fire while riding cute little unicycles or flying up the sky with a hundred balloons tied on the neck.
My greatest fear is myself.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Introduction
Greetings, mortal.
You are to be an entertained reader. You're linked to this site because you clicked on my blog at Multiply. This whole blog is actually a chronicle of a fraction of my life, which I don't expect you to really care about, from November 2008 to June 2009. Quite some time, huh?
For those interested about the Mike-Bianca story or my epic Ateneo kickout story appropriately called as 'honorable dismissal,' this is the site for you.
If you feel that I've been missing you with stories and that I haven't filled you yet with updates or whatever of the same shit, this is the site for you.
Go and read ahead, else kindly close this window and go get some sex. Kidding. You can use this page to link yourself to all the chapters or you can use the navigational pane at the right. There's also a link to the next chapter at the end of every chapter so you'd definitely not get lost.
This is a good 1-2 hour read.
I hope you'd enjoy!
List of Chapters:
Chapter 1: Registered
Chapter 2: November Rain
Chapter 3: The Real Deal
Chapter 4: Jingle Bells
Chapter 5: Volta
Chapter 6: Denouement Of Intricacies
Chapter 7: Seventh Heaven
Chapter 8: Zen Garden
Chapter 9: Cloud Nine
Chapter 10: Sandman Saturdays
Chapter 11: Sidewalks
Chapter 12: Moment Of Truth
Chapter 13: Rejected
Chapter 14: Accepted
Chapter 15: Mathematics 69 And 0
Chapter 16: Labyrinth
Chapter 17: Chicken Hainanese
Chapter 18: Coincidental Rendezvous
Chapter 19: A Dejected Argument
Chapter 20: Fate/Stay Night
Chapter 21: Genesis
Chapter 22: The Devil Lock
Chapter 23: Rebirth
You are to be an entertained reader. You're linked to this site because you clicked on my blog at Multiply. This whole blog is actually a chronicle of a fraction of my life, which I don't expect you to really care about, from November 2008 to June 2009. Quite some time, huh?
For those interested about the Mike-Bianca story or my epic Ateneo kickout story appropriately called as 'honorable dismissal,' this is the site for you.
If you feel that I've been missing you with stories and that I haven't filled you yet with updates or whatever of the same shit, this is the site for you.
Go and read ahead, else kindly close this window and go get some sex. Kidding. You can use this page to link yourself to all the chapters or you can use the navigational pane at the right. There's also a link to the next chapter at the end of every chapter so you'd definitely not get lost.
This is a good 1-2 hour read.
I hope you'd enjoy!
List of Chapters:
Chapter 1: Registered
Chapter 2: November Rain
Chapter 3: The Real Deal
Chapter 4: Jingle Bells
Chapter 5: Volta
Chapter 6: Denouement Of Intricacies
Chapter 7: Seventh Heaven
Chapter 8: Zen Garden
Chapter 9: Cloud Nine
Chapter 10: Sandman Saturdays
Chapter 11: Sidewalks
Chapter 12: Moment Of Truth
Chapter 13: Rejected
Chapter 14: Accepted
Chapter 15: Mathematics 69 And 0
Chapter 16: Labyrinth
Chapter 17: Chicken Hainanese
Chapter 18: Coincidental Rendezvous
Chapter 19: A Dejected Argument
Chapter 20: Fate/Stay Night
Chapter 21: Genesis
Chapter 22: The Devil Lock
Chapter 23: Rebirth
Chapter 23: Rebirth
June 16, 2009.
Around 9:10 am Bianca and I were exchanging calls checking to see where to look out for each other. She just finished her first class for her first day of classes and I was still on my way to Ateneo with her over-delayed birthday gift.
"Mike, where are you? I'm already here at Gonzaga, right in front of the chapel," she phoned me since I dropped the previous call because of the choppy connection.
"I'm almost there!" I answered quickly since Gonzaga hall was already in sight from my dad's car.
In a minute I opened The Isuzu Alterra's door, stepped down, waved at Bianca and signaled her to wait for a moment, and then brought out my backpack and the gift bag I wished to give to her. And in no time I was already standing right in front of her, smiling. And as I've said before, I don't smile. Bianca's just an exception.
The moment we looked eye to eye, she said,
"What happened to your hair!?"
"It grew. I still couldn't decide with Kris if it should be a devil lock or a totally long hair. Anyway..." I continued while reaching out the Blue Magic gift bag to her, "Here, happy birthday!"
"Haha it's late, But still, thanks!"
The moment I saw her smile, I couldn't help myself but have my eyes closed and bite my lip and look at the sky and praise the Lord Alleluia. As usual I'm over-describing things. I couldn't express my happiness by any means but to smile and look at Bianca satisfied.
She then introduced me to her friend, Bea (who Danya used as a threat to me whenever I bully her), who was with her as a witness to my GG epic win. Our talk was not that long since Bianca told me they were going to hang out and things seemed that I don't have any more business to do with them so I left in a short while. I went to the AMP bench to meet up with some Ateneo friends.
Bianca was very beautiful at that time, way more beautiful than before.
Bad news: I didn't get to look at Bianca very well because my fucking hair was in the way. So fuck my hair. Other than that, we're cool.
You see, the devil lock has locked my sight from Bianca. Not just literally of course, but in a figurative way too - just as what I described the chapter before. I am a pessimist. I'd never win her heart. No, put it this way. I'm just trying to be real. She is definitely out of my league and she'll always be.
I bought a can of coke at the cafeteria, as I always do every single school day, and then went straight to the AMP bench. As soon as I arrived, Kris, Brian and Ralph Aguinaldo were already there. I had a good talk with the guys which was interrupted when Bianca passed by and had a little chat with someone at the bench before leaving, consequently leaving me stunned in the process.
She waved at me though and she was smiling. I love that girl.
Oh and by the way, I've requested Anton Magno to watch over her and keep her safe when I'm gone. Dude, if ever you read this, stick that to your mind. Haha. I'm trusting you Anton.
At around 10:00 am Brian and I went with Kris to Gonzaga hall (the spot where I handed Bianca the gift bag) to accomplish a mission - intercepting Jeimi to say a little 'hi.' We failed though - Brian had classes, Jeimi didn't seem to pass by our spot, and I had to leave for McDonald's because Rups and Chantal have been looking for me.
After a Crispy Chicken Sandwich and a Coke Zero merienda, Rups and I went to Kalayaan College and we were late for our first class by 15 minutes.
Wait, what? Kalayaan College? Oh yes. The 1st of June, mom asked me to withdraw my application at FEU because she considered it to be too far from home even though I had a merit scholarship opportunity. I followed her order although it got me a little pissed because I had to do the whole application processing shit all over again right from the very beginning, and this time it was way more stressing.
I shifted to Kalayaan College knowing that there were many fellow Ateneans over there and I thought of joining the bandwagon. The school was actually pretty decent and I'd say I'd be enjoying my stay there for quite some time. And yes, maybe I could start my new life.
I should start my Renaissance.
It already began the moment I saw Bianca.
I had my lunch break at Ateneo as well since Kalayaan College was only one train ride away, and that we don't have a goddamn cafeteria there. Besides, I might chance to see Bianca around, but no. I just enjoyed my Chicken Hainanese with Rups and Brian at SEC walk.
When Rups and I left Ateneo we happened to see Jeimi walking up the stairs of the foot bridge right in front of Ateneo Gate 2.5. We were to descend the opposite flight of stairs but the moment I saw her I stopped on my tracks. When Jeimi looked up to see who was standing by, she smiled. It was a really lucky coincidence since Rups and I were to leave Katipunan and we just chanced to see Jeimi walking out of National Book Store. We only had a short chat since Rups and I had to go immediately.
We were late again; this time for the second class. When we were dismissed I received a text message from Bianca and she was asking if I was still in Ateneo. It was 4:00 pm and I replied,
"On my way."
She said she just wanted to thank me. As much as I'd like to go see her, I couldn't because she had to go to her last class for the day which started around 4:30 pm. I just went home instead. I texted her around 6 pm asking how her day went but I received no reply.
June 17, 2009. 12:20 am. I texted her a good night message and I told her I hoped she liked the gift I gave her. She replied around 12:47. I was in bed when I was reading the text message and I was holding my Sun mobile phone with my right hand and positioned it in front of my face.
"Yeah. It's sweet of you to even drop it at school. :-)"
After I read the message, I flipped my phone closed and left the keypad locked, placed it by my head pillow beside my Globe phone, and went to sleep.
I woke up at 7:00 am because my class will start at 10:00 am. When we were dismissed, Rups and I went to Katipunan. Rups was to go to UP and meet up with Chantal and I was to go to Ateneo and hangout with Kris since I had nothing to do. Instead of going to Ateneo though, I saw my block mates at McDonald's so I opted to sit down with them and have lunch. Just before they left for their respective classes, Marco and Ken sat with me.
All in all it was a good day. I'm going to miss Ateneo. I'm going to miss Katipunan.
I once wished I'd experience failure. I was an excellent student back in grade school but I was inspired by my high school classmates to sit back a little bit and just relax. They introduced me to the truth that everything is going to be just fine. But, as an adventure, I exceeded what most wouldn't dare - failing. And now that I've experienced it I'm in no state to regret everything I've done that caused this fall.
Failure is a success in itself. Failure defines success. Without failure, there is no success in this world. And proving that reality to myself is one step ahead to the real world. This in turn has already banished the devil lock from my mind, or rather, it has unlocked the devil within me. Sounds confusing, eh?
Perhaps I should get a haircut soon.
I am a pessimist. I'd never win Bianca's heart. No, put it this way and try to be real - she is out of my fucking league - but it doesn't matter now. All I care about is making sure that she is infinitely...
Loved.
-----
[END]
Around 9:10 am Bianca and I were exchanging calls checking to see where to look out for each other. She just finished her first class for her first day of classes and I was still on my way to Ateneo with her over-delayed birthday gift.
"Mike, where are you? I'm already here at Gonzaga, right in front of the chapel," she phoned me since I dropped the previous call because of the choppy connection.
"I'm almost there!" I answered quickly since Gonzaga hall was already in sight from my dad's car.
In a minute I opened The Isuzu Alterra's door, stepped down, waved at Bianca and signaled her to wait for a moment, and then brought out my backpack and the gift bag I wished to give to her. And in no time I was already standing right in front of her, smiling. And as I've said before, I don't smile. Bianca's just an exception.
The moment we looked eye to eye, she said,
"What happened to your hair!?"
"It grew. I still couldn't decide with Kris if it should be a devil lock or a totally long hair. Anyway..." I continued while reaching out the Blue Magic gift bag to her, "Here, happy birthday!"
"Haha it's late, But still, thanks!"
The moment I saw her smile, I couldn't help myself but have my eyes closed and bite my lip and look at the sky and praise the Lord Alleluia. As usual I'm over-describing things. I couldn't express my happiness by any means but to smile and look at Bianca satisfied.
She then introduced me to her friend, Bea (who Danya used as a threat to me whenever I bully her), who was with her as a witness to my GG epic win. Our talk was not that long since Bianca told me they were going to hang out and things seemed that I don't have any more business to do with them so I left in a short while. I went to the AMP bench to meet up with some Ateneo friends.
Bianca was very beautiful at that time, way more beautiful than before.
Bad news: I didn't get to look at Bianca very well because my fucking hair was in the way. So fuck my hair. Other than that, we're cool.
You see, the devil lock has locked my sight from Bianca. Not just literally of course, but in a figurative way too - just as what I described the chapter before. I am a pessimist. I'd never win her heart. No, put it this way. I'm just trying to be real. She is definitely out of my league and she'll always be.
I bought a can of coke at the cafeteria, as I always do every single school day, and then went straight to the AMP bench. As soon as I arrived, Kris, Brian and Ralph Aguinaldo were already there. I had a good talk with the guys which was interrupted when Bianca passed by and had a little chat with someone at the bench before leaving, consequently leaving me stunned in the process.
She waved at me though and she was smiling. I love that girl.
Oh and by the way, I've requested Anton Magno to watch over her and keep her safe when I'm gone. Dude, if ever you read this, stick that to your mind. Haha. I'm trusting you Anton.
At around 10:00 am Brian and I went with Kris to Gonzaga hall (the spot where I handed Bianca the gift bag) to accomplish a mission - intercepting Jeimi to say a little 'hi.' We failed though - Brian had classes, Jeimi didn't seem to pass by our spot, and I had to leave for McDonald's because Rups and Chantal have been looking for me.
After a Crispy Chicken Sandwich and a Coke Zero merienda, Rups and I went to Kalayaan College and we were late for our first class by 15 minutes.
Wait, what? Kalayaan College? Oh yes. The 1st of June, mom asked me to withdraw my application at FEU because she considered it to be too far from home even though I had a merit scholarship opportunity. I followed her order although it got me a little pissed because I had to do the whole application processing shit all over again right from the very beginning, and this time it was way more stressing.
I shifted to Kalayaan College knowing that there were many fellow Ateneans over there and I thought of joining the bandwagon. The school was actually pretty decent and I'd say I'd be enjoying my stay there for quite some time. And yes, maybe I could start my new life.
I should start my Renaissance.
It already began the moment I saw Bianca.
I had my lunch break at Ateneo as well since Kalayaan College was only one train ride away, and that we don't have a goddamn cafeteria there. Besides, I might chance to see Bianca around, but no. I just enjoyed my Chicken Hainanese with Rups and Brian at SEC walk.
When Rups and I left Ateneo we happened to see Jeimi walking up the stairs of the foot bridge right in front of Ateneo Gate 2.5. We were to descend the opposite flight of stairs but the moment I saw her I stopped on my tracks. When Jeimi looked up to see who was standing by, she smiled. It was a really lucky coincidence since Rups and I were to leave Katipunan and we just chanced to see Jeimi walking out of National Book Store. We only had a short chat since Rups and I had to go immediately.
We were late again; this time for the second class. When we were dismissed I received a text message from Bianca and she was asking if I was still in Ateneo. It was 4:00 pm and I replied,
"On my way."
She said she just wanted to thank me. As much as I'd like to go see her, I couldn't because she had to go to her last class for the day which started around 4:30 pm. I just went home instead. I texted her around 6 pm asking how her day went but I received no reply.
June 17, 2009. 12:20 am. I texted her a good night message and I told her I hoped she liked the gift I gave her. She replied around 12:47. I was in bed when I was reading the text message and I was holding my Sun mobile phone with my right hand and positioned it in front of my face.
"Yeah. It's sweet of you to even drop it at school. :-)"
After I read the message, I flipped my phone closed and left the keypad locked, placed it by my head pillow beside my Globe phone, and went to sleep.
I woke up at 7:00 am because my class will start at 10:00 am. When we were dismissed, Rups and I went to Katipunan. Rups was to go to UP and meet up with Chantal and I was to go to Ateneo and hangout with Kris since I had nothing to do. Instead of going to Ateneo though, I saw my block mates at McDonald's so I opted to sit down with them and have lunch. Just before they left for their respective classes, Marco and Ken sat with me.
All in all it was a good day. I'm going to miss Ateneo. I'm going to miss Katipunan.
I once wished I'd experience failure. I was an excellent student back in grade school but I was inspired by my high school classmates to sit back a little bit and just relax. They introduced me to the truth that everything is going to be just fine. But, as an adventure, I exceeded what most wouldn't dare - failing. And now that I've experienced it I'm in no state to regret everything I've done that caused this fall.
Failure is a success in itself. Failure defines success. Without failure, there is no success in this world. And proving that reality to myself is one step ahead to the real world. This in turn has already banished the devil lock from my mind, or rather, it has unlocked the devil within me. Sounds confusing, eh?
Perhaps I should get a haircut soon.
I am a pessimist. I'd never win Bianca's heart. No, put it this way and try to be real - she is out of my fucking league - but it doesn't matter now. All I care about is making sure that she is infinitely...
Loved.
-----
[END]
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Chapter 22: The Devil Lock
Let me clear some things first before continuing. I know you've been pretty much confused by how things have been going inside my mind.
1.) There was never an 'us.'
2.) We're just friends. I just treat her extra special.
3.) I stress on very common and normal things, making them look special too.
4.) Shit happens.
5.) I was divided among choices - of pursuing her or not, or whatever.
I wasn't able to make the choice from the very beginning and so the choice made me. That doesn't make me any better than a fool making a fool of himself thinking that doing so is not foolish at all. Does that make us all fools choosing over foolish choices? Would we fool the beginning by choosing the end? Or would we rather have the beginning and the end as one? Making fools and choices as one too in the process?
You see, the world revolves in beginnings and ends formed by fools and choices. The sequence of such phenomenon does not digress a single bit from this linear occurrence - everything begins and ends - which is an inevitably irreversible natural process that is further subrogated by a cycle where 1.) the fool, who is a fool in the first place, makes a choice that does not change anything, or 2.) the choice makes the fool a true fool which does not change anything too, rendering the whole cycle foolishness.
This happens, always.
Optimists tell you that this is complete bullshit. To tell you the truth, optimists are actually the epitome of the word 'bullshit.'
Put it this way. Have a male optimist and a male pessimist sit on a bench in a park or something and let a really hot dream girl they've been thinking of pass in front of them together with her boyfriend and then compare side by side what the two would be saying.
Pessimist: That girl is hot, man. Damn she has a boyfriend already. Oh well.
Optimist: That girl is hot man, Damn she has a boyfriend already. But because I am an optimist as opposed to the sucker right beside me I'd prefer to think that she and I are going to be one someday.
Kindly analyze the fucking difference.
When you plainly read those, it can be directly concluded that the pessimist, as his title suggests, was thinking highly negative by blurting out a totally hopeless statement. That is why I'd like to call them the 'fucked ones.' On the other hand, the optimist belong to what we technically call the 'fuckers.' Why is that?
The pessimist satisfies himself with the reality that he'd have no chance on the dream girl. He contents himself with that. That's just fine if we let him be a certified sucker as he is. But the optimist, I mean the fucker, is thinking highly negative and conjuring it as something positive. Here is a possibility: he is subconsciously wishing, or hoping for that matter (well he may just be putting it that way when he is completely aware of what he is wishing for and its consequences), that the hot dream girl would break up with her boyfriend someday. That's when he gets his chance. That is what we call 'evil' ladies and gentlemen.
So actually, the certified sucker is much better compared to this fucker optimist that's a branded asshole since birth.
Oh shit. I got you there twit. Think positive, huh? Well, think again. Here's something for the fuckers out there: think before you think positive, fucker.
My friend, Elena, who I constantly bullied ever since I've known her, once said,
"Pessimists are what ruin the world."
Well, the real fuckers ruin the world. The pessimists are just fools left with no choices because they chose to do so. The optimists are left with choices however but they opt to make a fool of themselves simply because they wanted to but would never admit it. Fucking gay shit if you ask me.
In summary, the pessimists are worthless creatures that make this planet stink as it is while the optimists are the worst stench that make this planet stink even more. That makes them all fuckers which consequently dooms them to be the fucked ones in the end. These optimists and pessimists are good-for-nothing mortals that passionately fuck themselves with hopes and dreams. They have something in common though. They do suffer the same fate; it's just that they choose the form of their suffering - the pessimist proving himself to be a certified sucker, and the optimist a fucker... To himself.
The world is ruined from the very beginning and it won't be foolish to choose to end it, or rather, by choosing to end the ruin of this world you begin your own foolishness thereby ruining your own world yielding no actual difference. Effort is futile indeed.
The whole of humankind is cursed from the very beginning, dreaded by themselves and doomed upon themselves. This is what I'd like to call,
'The Devil Lock.'
Of course I'm kidding. If you actually believed that shit you're really fucked, man. It is quite evident that the whole argument above is actually one-sided. And that is what the close-minded seal themselves with - they propose a biased duality as a truth and that nothing is ever going out of that box forever. The true truth however is that there is no box.
Everything goes.
The point is, up until now I've just been arguing with myself. I just miss Bianca.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
1.) There was never an 'us.'
2.) We're just friends. I just treat her extra special.
3.) I stress on very common and normal things, making them look special too.
4.) Shit happens.
5.) I was divided among choices - of pursuing her or not, or whatever.
I wasn't able to make the choice from the very beginning and so the choice made me. That doesn't make me any better than a fool making a fool of himself thinking that doing so is not foolish at all. Does that make us all fools choosing over foolish choices? Would we fool the beginning by choosing the end? Or would we rather have the beginning and the end as one? Making fools and choices as one too in the process?
You see, the world revolves in beginnings and ends formed by fools and choices. The sequence of such phenomenon does not digress a single bit from this linear occurrence - everything begins and ends - which is an inevitably irreversible natural process that is further subrogated by a cycle where 1.) the fool, who is a fool in the first place, makes a choice that does not change anything, or 2.) the choice makes the fool a true fool which does not change anything too, rendering the whole cycle foolishness.
This happens, always.
Optimists tell you that this is complete bullshit. To tell you the truth, optimists are actually the epitome of the word 'bullshit.'
Put it this way. Have a male optimist and a male pessimist sit on a bench in a park or something and let a really hot dream girl they've been thinking of pass in front of them together with her boyfriend and then compare side by side what the two would be saying.
Pessimist: That girl is hot, man. Damn she has a boyfriend already. Oh well.
Optimist: That girl is hot man, Damn she has a boyfriend already. But because I am an optimist as opposed to the sucker right beside me I'd prefer to think that she and I are going to be one someday.
Kindly analyze the fucking difference.
When you plainly read those, it can be directly concluded that the pessimist, as his title suggests, was thinking highly negative by blurting out a totally hopeless statement. That is why I'd like to call them the 'fucked ones.' On the other hand, the optimist belong to what we technically call the 'fuckers.' Why is that?
The pessimist satisfies himself with the reality that he'd have no chance on the dream girl. He contents himself with that. That's just fine if we let him be a certified sucker as he is. But the optimist, I mean the fucker, is thinking highly negative and conjuring it as something positive. Here is a possibility: he is subconsciously wishing, or hoping for that matter (well he may just be putting it that way when he is completely aware of what he is wishing for and its consequences), that the hot dream girl would break up with her boyfriend someday. That's when he gets his chance. That is what we call 'evil' ladies and gentlemen.
So actually, the certified sucker is much better compared to this fucker optimist that's a branded asshole since birth.
Oh shit. I got you there twit. Think positive, huh? Well, think again. Here's something for the fuckers out there: think before you think positive, fucker.
My friend, Elena, who I constantly bullied ever since I've known her, once said,
"Pessimists are what ruin the world."
Well, the real fuckers ruin the world. The pessimists are just fools left with no choices because they chose to do so. The optimists are left with choices however but they opt to make a fool of themselves simply because they wanted to but would never admit it. Fucking gay shit if you ask me.
In summary, the pessimists are worthless creatures that make this planet stink as it is while the optimists are the worst stench that make this planet stink even more. That makes them all fuckers which consequently dooms them to be the fucked ones in the end. These optimists and pessimists are good-for-nothing mortals that passionately fuck themselves with hopes and dreams. They have something in common though. They do suffer the same fate; it's just that they choose the form of their suffering - the pessimist proving himself to be a certified sucker, and the optimist a fucker... To himself.
The world is ruined from the very beginning and it won't be foolish to choose to end it, or rather, by choosing to end the ruin of this world you begin your own foolishness thereby ruining your own world yielding no actual difference. Effort is futile indeed.
The whole of humankind is cursed from the very beginning, dreaded by themselves and doomed upon themselves. This is what I'd like to call,
'The Devil Lock.'
Of course I'm kidding. If you actually believed that shit you're really fucked, man. It is quite evident that the whole argument above is actually one-sided. And that is what the close-minded seal themselves with - they propose a biased duality as a truth and that nothing is ever going out of that box forever. The true truth however is that there is no box.
Everything goes.
The point is, up until now I've just been arguing with myself. I just miss Bianca.
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