Well hello again avid followers. Here I have published a short piece of a shit which I'm trying to sell you as a story entitled "Light to a Firefly." I hope it doesn't sound fucking emo because it isn't. And I hope that you'd enjoy this one (certainly you would in postmodern circumstances and context). This is quite short - you can finish this thing in 10 minutes. It contains six insignificant chapters that I hope you'd draw insensible ideologies from.
I didn't intend to publicize bullshit here. I wrote a long story because it is just a series of blogs I cohesively pieced together to form one that would be much more complete and practical rather than doing multiple entries that don't deliver the complete idea I'd want my readers to see. Also, I recommend that you read Story 2: The Devil Lock first before this one because this is logically a sequel, so as you know.
Lastly, I am not a lunatic. Good luck and have fun reading.
List of Chapters:
Chapter 1: Coulrophobia
Chapter 2: Grand Conjuration
Chapter 3: Killing Floor
Chapter 4: Under The Stars
Chapter 5: Immaculate Conception
Chapter 6: Embers
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Chapter 6: Embers
For the past six months I have continually devastated myself with thoughts which never cease in yielding catastrophic results. For example, there are days that I normally consume 3 to 5 packs of cigarettes. Imagine one pack in one sitting. And smoking comes in as more enjoyable when you're drinking. You don't feel the heat and roughness in your throat. Add to that my adjusted alcohol tolerance of 2 beer buckets and still not drunk - that is human development, my dear friends.
In the efforts of minimizing my alcohol intake I tried to save up for microphones but I ended up saving more drinking money for Fridays (since I drink everyday for the previous semester). And when I eventually ran out of immediate cash at hand, chain smoking became my new found buddy buddy. I mean, Marlboro does a good job on making you high with nicotine and at the same time completely puts your voice in chaos after 100 sticks in less than 24 hours.
Well of course, to put my budget in equilibrium, I seldom eat with the excuse that I'm broke of course, but in truth I spend all my money for 3-5 packs of cigarettes each morning and I save up like 60-80 pesos for two bottles of beer during evenings. I don't do drugs though.
Now that my efforts of stopping these habits are futile, I realized that a greater effort I've exerted way beforehand was much more futile - which is trying to stop depression. I realized that doing so is apeshit. You're like a piece of a stinking dog poop right next to a tsunami and the next moment you're fucking converted to rancid gorilla urine. That's how helpless I was. I wouldn't spill the details in here though because it's just gay. Moreover, I'd rather have you, my readers, ask me personally, and perhaps you can treat me with a drink or something. I'm thanking you in advance as you're reading this so while I'm still alive you better give me that cigarette stick and beer bottle. We may not be enjoying the same scene tomorrow.
And whenever we're in that classic scene of smoking and drinking on some corner of a resto or bar, I'd tell you all the wonderful memories I've had with a very special person to me, because honestly, I so miss all of those. What was hard for me was when I saw that very relationship I worked hard for and invested so much time into falter in front of my very eyes, of which I didn't have any fucking idea WHY, leaving me nothing but hopelessness. I mean, I can't do anything about it while it's crashing down into a million pieces and all the happiness it contained dissipated into nothingness.
Of course I picked up every single piece with my broken hands wondering where have I gone wrong, yet some parts were missing, or there were some regions of that relationship that I couldn't put back into place. Also, that relationship may not be working for me but I don't really care. I just want it back to the state when I was still cherishing it: nothing more, nothing less. That's all that I've asked from God.
God.
HAHA. March 25, 2009. I told Him that I wasn't loving somebody for the sake of having a partner, or more temporally to fulfill my own satisfaction which is selfish happiness. I told Him that I loved somebody for that someone's happiness which I hope I was able to attain even just for the slightest time. Despite being gay, I lived to this principle up until now. I content myself with simple joys. Nothing comes greater than that but her happiness.
I live like this every single day ever since the grand conjuration. I am still haunted by the question "What did I do for everything to end up this way?" like a fucking son of a clown. I see no way out that's why I'm proclaiming such helplessness here in virtual reality while escaping my reality in the process. I'd appreciate it if you don't concern yourself with me 'cause I'm just fine, still breathing, still existing - so no worries for that. I'll keep my worrying to myself and I'd like it to be that way. Mind you, I'd rather have you guys take the chill life. I have my cig and my alcohol to spend my time with anyway and that is more than enough to entertain me for the rest of my days aside from writing. My silent days in Kalayaan College are quite over because my happiness has been distorted to something indecipherable.
And you know what, I found the most sensible thing on earth a while ago.
I'd start shutting up.
-----
Good bye and Merry Christmas, Bianca.
-----
[END]
In the efforts of minimizing my alcohol intake I tried to save up for microphones but I ended up saving more drinking money for Fridays (since I drink everyday for the previous semester). And when I eventually ran out of immediate cash at hand, chain smoking became my new found buddy buddy. I mean, Marlboro does a good job on making you high with nicotine and at the same time completely puts your voice in chaos after 100 sticks in less than 24 hours.
Well of course, to put my budget in equilibrium, I seldom eat with the excuse that I'm broke of course, but in truth I spend all my money for 3-5 packs of cigarettes each morning and I save up like 60-80 pesos for two bottles of beer during evenings. I don't do drugs though.
Now that my efforts of stopping these habits are futile, I realized that a greater effort I've exerted way beforehand was much more futile - which is trying to stop depression. I realized that doing so is apeshit. You're like a piece of a stinking dog poop right next to a tsunami and the next moment you're fucking converted to rancid gorilla urine. That's how helpless I was. I wouldn't spill the details in here though because it's just gay. Moreover, I'd rather have you, my readers, ask me personally, and perhaps you can treat me with a drink or something. I'm thanking you in advance as you're reading this so while I'm still alive you better give me that cigarette stick and beer bottle. We may not be enjoying the same scene tomorrow.
And whenever we're in that classic scene of smoking and drinking on some corner of a resto or bar, I'd tell you all the wonderful memories I've had with a very special person to me, because honestly, I so miss all of those. What was hard for me was when I saw that very relationship I worked hard for and invested so much time into falter in front of my very eyes, of which I didn't have any fucking idea WHY, leaving me nothing but hopelessness. I mean, I can't do anything about it while it's crashing down into a million pieces and all the happiness it contained dissipated into nothingness.
Of course I picked up every single piece with my broken hands wondering where have I gone wrong, yet some parts were missing, or there were some regions of that relationship that I couldn't put back into place. Also, that relationship may not be working for me but I don't really care. I just want it back to the state when I was still cherishing it: nothing more, nothing less. That's all that I've asked from God.
God.
HAHA. March 25, 2009. I told Him that I wasn't loving somebody for the sake of having a partner, or more temporally to fulfill my own satisfaction which is selfish happiness. I told Him that I loved somebody for that someone's happiness which I hope I was able to attain even just for the slightest time. Despite being gay, I lived to this principle up until now. I content myself with simple joys. Nothing comes greater than that but her happiness.
I live like this every single day ever since the grand conjuration. I am still haunted by the question "What did I do for everything to end up this way?" like a fucking son of a clown. I see no way out that's why I'm proclaiming such helplessness here in virtual reality while escaping my reality in the process. I'd appreciate it if you don't concern yourself with me 'cause I'm just fine, still breathing, still existing - so no worries for that. I'll keep my worrying to myself and I'd like it to be that way. Mind you, I'd rather have you guys take the chill life. I have my cig and my alcohol to spend my time with anyway and that is more than enough to entertain me for the rest of my days aside from writing. My silent days in Kalayaan College are quite over because my happiness has been distorted to something indecipherable.
And you know what, I found the most sensible thing on earth a while ago.
I'd start shutting up.
-----
Good bye and Merry Christmas, Bianca.
-----
[END]
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Chapter 5: Immaculate Conception
December 8, 2009.
I skipped every first half of my classes because my teacher doesn't seem to amuse me like she did the previous semester - the points she raise throughout every session were recurring. I did nothing more than light cigs and play pusoy dos every single time I'm out of the classroom and I think this'll probably explain why my eating habits are fucking weird.
Around 3 pm, I was torn between going home or going to my second home. Katipunan, that is. When I boarded the train I chose the latter option and in 20 minutes time I found myself walking on that very familiar path. I went straight to Ateneo to hang out at the aMp bench, which I always do everytime I'm at the campus, and found Brian, Daniel, Joe and Nica. I had to sit with them since I decided to have dinner with Ian and I had nothing else to do. Playing at Him5 doesn't seem to be a very good option for a broke man.
At 5:30 pm, with Joe and Nica headed home, Brian and Daniel wanted to eat already and they specifically chose my all-time favorite food chain McDonald's. I kept them company and we walked all the way to McDo. Seeing the closest table to the entrance vacant, the two immediately took the seats and went to the counter for food while I finished my second pack for the day. Mind you, I'm trying to kill my addiction.
When we were all seated, the two scumbags were smiling at me in a very irritating way. I asked,
"What's up?"
":)"
"Putangina ano nga?" (Motherbitch what's up)
"Why is life so randooom?" Daniel told me, with Brian following up with the same words in a sort of a hum,
"Liiife is sooo randooom..."
I so wanted to fuck the shit out of these idiots until they told me Bianca was around. I asked again,
"No, seriously?"
"YES."
GG. I panicked of course. I didn't know what to do. Should I display myself sitting in the most obvious seat there and say hello to her? Or should I run with my balls away? Or should I pretend to be asleep with my eyes open? There were literally a million questions rushing through my head that I spent more than 20 minutes thinking of senseless things until I saw Bianca from a distance. At first I was speechless - and then stupefied - and then knocked out. She instantly recognized me and smiled, and then waved a hello at me.
I have never seen that smile for the longest time. I mean, the last time I saw her she never displayed that epic thing on her face. And now she did! But of course, after all the troubles that happened within the past months of which I kept most only to myself, I couldn't display a proper reaction. I tried to smile. I hope I did looked like smiling as she passed by. As she went to her car though, I told the two rancid monkeys in front of me that I have to leave for Slice 'N Dice in a short while.
Well I did in a few seconds basically because - here comes the best gay part of the story - I was manufacturing gay tears. I was walking away with a cigarette stick in my lips trying to gain composure especially in a public place. I succeeded just before I met up with Ian a short walk from McDo.
I had dinner with the guy. And since I haven't told him anything about my life since June, I updated him with utmost detail which sort of made me happy because I didn't know I was capable of spilling out happy events that happened in the previous quarter of the year. After that we went home; well, he drove me home because we were neighbors.
Bianca just conceived a wonderful smile which confused me: are we in good terms again/already? What did her smile mean? Or furthermore, are things back to the way they were?
The only immaculate thing from all this confusion is nothing.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
I skipped every first half of my classes because my teacher doesn't seem to amuse me like she did the previous semester - the points she raise throughout every session were recurring. I did nothing more than light cigs and play pusoy dos every single time I'm out of the classroom and I think this'll probably explain why my eating habits are fucking weird.
Around 3 pm, I was torn between going home or going to my second home. Katipunan, that is. When I boarded the train I chose the latter option and in 20 minutes time I found myself walking on that very familiar path. I went straight to Ateneo to hang out at the aMp bench, which I always do everytime I'm at the campus, and found Brian, Daniel, Joe and Nica. I had to sit with them since I decided to have dinner with Ian and I had nothing else to do. Playing at Him5 doesn't seem to be a very good option for a broke man.
At 5:30 pm, with Joe and Nica headed home, Brian and Daniel wanted to eat already and they specifically chose my all-time favorite food chain McDonald's. I kept them company and we walked all the way to McDo. Seeing the closest table to the entrance vacant, the two immediately took the seats and went to the counter for food while I finished my second pack for the day. Mind you, I'm trying to kill my addiction.
When we were all seated, the two scumbags were smiling at me in a very irritating way. I asked,
"What's up?"
":)"
"Putangina ano nga?" (Motherbitch what's up)
"Why is life so randooom?" Daniel told me, with Brian following up with the same words in a sort of a hum,
"Liiife is sooo randooom..."
I so wanted to fuck the shit out of these idiots until they told me Bianca was around. I asked again,
"No, seriously?"
"YES."
GG. I panicked of course. I didn't know what to do. Should I display myself sitting in the most obvious seat there and say hello to her? Or should I run with my balls away? Or should I pretend to be asleep with my eyes open? There were literally a million questions rushing through my head that I spent more than 20 minutes thinking of senseless things until I saw Bianca from a distance. At first I was speechless - and then stupefied - and then knocked out. She instantly recognized me and smiled, and then waved a hello at me.
I have never seen that smile for the longest time. I mean, the last time I saw her she never displayed that epic thing on her face. And now she did! But of course, after all the troubles that happened within the past months of which I kept most only to myself, I couldn't display a proper reaction. I tried to smile. I hope I did looked like smiling as she passed by. As she went to her car though, I told the two rancid monkeys in front of me that I have to leave for Slice 'N Dice in a short while.
Well I did in a few seconds basically because - here comes the best gay part of the story - I was manufacturing gay tears. I was walking away with a cigarette stick in my lips trying to gain composure especially in a public place. I succeeded just before I met up with Ian a short walk from McDo.
I had dinner with the guy. And since I haven't told him anything about my life since June, I updated him with utmost detail which sort of made me happy because I didn't know I was capable of spilling out happy events that happened in the previous quarter of the year. After that we went home; well, he drove me home because we were neighbors.
Bianca just conceived a wonderful smile which confused me: are we in good terms again/already? What did her smile mean? Or furthermore, are things back to the way they were?
The only immaculate thing from all this confusion is nothing.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Friday, December 4, 2009
Chapter 4: Under The Stars
I made this chapter the same day after I came home from Katipunan. There was this event there called "Under the Stars." But because I was unable to meet with friends due to unexplainable circumstances (including waiting for Brian for more than an hour and he still didn't show up), I went to McDonald's instead and had dinner alone. And as I was finishing up my cheeseburger, I remembered this incident about a year ago.
It was Under the Stars 2008. I didn't have any goddamn idea that there was such happening in school (when I was still in the Ateneo) until Ian, a friend and a neighbor, told me through a text message that Bianca was there.
"Dude, do you know about Under the Stars?"
"Wtf is that?" I asnwered, thinking it was some chick flick film or a gay-ass book.
"It's this event at the SOM field and it's happening NOW."
"So?"
"Bianca's there."
I was shocked of course because I didn't have any single idea that an event was happening at school and I was at home playing my all-time favorite DotA. That's stalking fail number 1. I immediately replied and asked Ian what Under the Stars was all about. Well, he didn't explain much.
"Uhhh you star gaze I think? With a date..."
"Who is she with?!"
"She won't tell."
"CONVINCE, DUDE."
"Nah, good luck with that."
"Come on man. We're friends. Besides, I thought you were my wingman?"
"It isn't a big deal, really. Relax. And good luck!"
Damn Ian. I lost my DotA game, and more than that, I lost another opportunity. You know, I can't miss chances like these. But I couldn't do anything anyway at that time so I just played more games all throughout the night so as to take my mind off things.
And back to the present, as I was finishing up my hot fudge sundae, I kept on missing her every second. Perhaps I even looked like a little idiot at McDo, sitting with nobody but my classical guitar my dad gave me three years ago. Of course I'll be suffering the same ordeal for the whole evening so I decided to go home immediately. I took a cab just outside and as I was on the road home, I remembered the night of the 30th of January - I was on the very same scene, looking at the sky which almost seemed starless, hoping that Bianca was enjoying the same perspective.
Optimism aside, everything else is bullshit. Life in general is. May we be under the stars, the deep black sky, the rain, the rays of the sun, the hands of fate, the eyes of the gods, or whatever - we suffer. We are powerless against ourselves and our own fate.
Under the stars is not the best place to be; 6 feet under is the best way out, with much sarcasm.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
It was Under the Stars 2008. I didn't have any goddamn idea that there was such happening in school (when I was still in the Ateneo) until Ian, a friend and a neighbor, told me through a text message that Bianca was there.
"Dude, do you know about Under the Stars?"
"Wtf is that?" I asnwered, thinking it was some chick flick film or a gay-ass book.
"It's this event at the SOM field and it's happening NOW."
"So?"
"Bianca's there."
I was shocked of course because I didn't have any single idea that an event was happening at school and I was at home playing my all-time favorite DotA. That's stalking fail number 1. I immediately replied and asked Ian what Under the Stars was all about. Well, he didn't explain much.
"Uhhh you star gaze I think? With a date..."
"Who is she with?!"
"She won't tell."
"CONVINCE, DUDE."
"Nah, good luck with that."
"Come on man. We're friends. Besides, I thought you were my wingman?"
"It isn't a big deal, really. Relax. And good luck!"
Damn Ian. I lost my DotA game, and more than that, I lost another opportunity. You know, I can't miss chances like these. But I couldn't do anything anyway at that time so I just played more games all throughout the night so as to take my mind off things.
And back to the present, as I was finishing up my hot fudge sundae, I kept on missing her every second. Perhaps I even looked like a little idiot at McDo, sitting with nobody but my classical guitar my dad gave me three years ago. Of course I'll be suffering the same ordeal for the whole evening so I decided to go home immediately. I took a cab just outside and as I was on the road home, I remembered the night of the 30th of January - I was on the very same scene, looking at the sky which almost seemed starless, hoping that Bianca was enjoying the same perspective.
Optimism aside, everything else is bullshit. Life in general is. May we be under the stars, the deep black sky, the rain, the rays of the sun, the hands of fate, the eyes of the gods, or whatever - we suffer. We are powerless against ourselves and our own fate.
Under the stars is not the best place to be; 6 feet under is the best way out, with much sarcasm.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Chapter 3: Killing Floor
It was just the second week of classes when Kris texted me on a Monday noon if I was free for the rest of the day. I replied that I was just bumming around since I had nothing to do. That's when he told me to go to Katipunan and meet up with him. He wanted to play this little game he tried the previous week.
June 22, 2009. 2:20 pm.
I opened the door of Him5 Webtown, the internet cafe I've always been at ever since I migrated from Blueskies, and found Kris sitting on a seat somewhere in a bunch of rows of desktop computers. The moment he saw me, he immediately pointed his finger to the monitor in front of him, signaling me to look on what he's playing.
Zed time.
In the game and in the real life as well. So you may be wondering what this zed time is. Basically it triggers once the player was able to execute a head shot to an enemy. The more head shots in a streak, the longer the zed time is. The maximum is about 3 consecutive shots and the game play is back to normal speed rather than the ultra-slow motion ultra-awesome ultra-gruesome enemy-slaying scene.
I was pretty much interested in trying Killing Floor so I took a seat right next to Kris and started a multiplayer game mode.
READ THIS.
What makes Killing Floor a big deal then? I've been playing KF the whole of June and July every single day except Sundays (because it's a family day and Him5 is closed in this day of the week). Why the addiction? Now that's a better question. Everytime I play this game I sort of get myself very much immersed into a parallel void which devoids me of the thought that I am in a different world. I forget all my problems and frustrations which hinders me from depression.
It is this extreme - the moment I've spent all my money and walk out of Him5, I literally go...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"
Because all the slings and arrows of my outrageous fortune comes back at me in an instant. And I walk home in a very slow manner, with my head looking down, with my feet taking small steps, with my mind thinking of course of Bianca. It's because we haven't been talking lately and I rarely see her online. She wouldn't respond to some text messages. I can't even spot her around Ateneo. Simply put, I missed her to the point that I go home with a very uneasy feeling and to the point that I couldn't sleep every single night even if my limbs have been exhausted with a day's trip and with my eyes tired to the hours spent playing Killing Floor.
Ah yes, Killing Floor. What do I really kill in the floor of this game? During that time? During that part of the day?
Reality.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
June 22, 2009. 2:20 pm.
I opened the door of Him5 Webtown, the internet cafe I've always been at ever since I migrated from Blueskies, and found Kris sitting on a seat somewhere in a bunch of rows of desktop computers. The moment he saw me, he immediately pointed his finger to the monitor in front of him, signaling me to look on what he's playing.
Zed time.
In the game and in the real life as well. So you may be wondering what this zed time is. Basically it triggers once the player was able to execute a head shot to an enemy. The more head shots in a streak, the longer the zed time is. The maximum is about 3 consecutive shots and the game play is back to normal speed rather than the ultra-slow motion ultra-awesome ultra-gruesome enemy-slaying scene.
I was pretty much interested in trying Killing Floor so I took a seat right next to Kris and started a multiplayer game mode.
READ THIS.
What makes Killing Floor a big deal then? I've been playing KF the whole of June and July every single day except Sundays (because it's a family day and Him5 is closed in this day of the week). Why the addiction? Now that's a better question. Everytime I play this game I sort of get myself very much immersed into a parallel void which devoids me of the thought that I am in a different world. I forget all my problems and frustrations which hinders me from depression.
It is this extreme - the moment I've spent all my money and walk out of Him5, I literally go...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"
Because all the slings and arrows of my outrageous fortune comes back at me in an instant. And I walk home in a very slow manner, with my head looking down, with my feet taking small steps, with my mind thinking of course of Bianca. It's because we haven't been talking lately and I rarely see her online. She wouldn't respond to some text messages. I can't even spot her around Ateneo. Simply put, I missed her to the point that I go home with a very uneasy feeling and to the point that I couldn't sleep every single night even if my limbs have been exhausted with a day's trip and with my eyes tired to the hours spent playing Killing Floor.
Ah yes, Killing Floor. What do I really kill in the floor of this game? During that time? During that part of the day?
Reality.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Chapter 2: Grand Conjuration
Thursday. August 27, 2009. 4:20 pm.
9 days have passed since I saw myself as a clown. I was with Rups, Arlo and Randell on the same train - LRT Line 2 - on our way to Katipunan, the second to the last station with Santolan being the last. I am schoolmates with these guys and we hang out every single break time. And now I tugged them along since I have been planning something intense for that afternoon, or perhaps, the early hours of the evening. They agreed to be with me anyway.
The first Katipunan stop we headed to was Ministop because I wanted to buy a bag of Cheetos Flaming Hot or Cheetos Crunchy Cheddar for Bianca. The last time we saw each other was June 16 and it has been two months since I have been missing someone essential to my existence. I know she liked Cheetos and I'd like to give her one as a surprise since I was broke that time and had nothing up my sleeves other than 150 bucks since mum didn't give me any allowance that day. Unfortunately, Ministop ran out of supplies and so we headed to 7-11 on foot.
The convenience store was equally out of stock of my favorite Cheetos so I just decided to purchase a can of Pringles Cheddar Cheese. It was 5:00 pm when we were walking along the footbridge near the Gate 2.5 of Ateneo. We were to go to the Case Study Room (CSR) at the ground floor of the Social Sciences Building to wait for Bianca's dismissal. We easily breezed through the security with the excuse that we were to attend some sort of a seminar or a communication class at the CSR. Now that's a good lie.
It was roughly 5:15 pm when we took a bleacher a good distance in front of the SocSci building because I am playing safe, or rather, I don't want Bianca or anyone for that matter to know that I am around. Rups and I just kept on looking to check if someone familiar or Bianca would happen to see us because there were people going in and out of the CSR, and there were people too having class-related group discussions just outside the room. I even asked Rups to patrol the surrounding area just to be safe, with the excuse that whenever he is caught roaming around by Bianca or a friend of hers, he'd just make up an excuse that he was there to meet up with someone else.
While Rups was doing his job, I was planning my speech together with Arlo and Randell - knowing what to say, the chronology, the tone, overall delivery and everything else as if I was in a communication class too. The two didn't really prepare something grand for me other than the all-glorious tip that always works: be composed and honest, even if spontaneous. But still, my mind was crowded with little thoughts here and there. I wanted to say some things yet I felt like I shouldn't say them. It was seriously confusing for me to think of what to say considering that Bianca's going home once she is dismissed and that I wouldn't have the time to say what I really want to say completely.
Rups returned to our bleacher in around 5 minutes and briefed me. He didn't know for sure if the people outside the CSR belonged to Bianca's class. The good thing is that he didn't see some acquaintance around else we would've blown our cover. Now all we had to do was wait for 5:50 pm to strike and that's when we come in.
Well, around 5:30 pm the people just outside the CSR moved out to where I don't know or I don't remember. That's when the four of us moved in to the optimal spot of ambushing Bianca once she gets out of the room. Seating on a spot near the door made me very nervous. Every single door creak makes my heart skip a beat that I was even sweating due to extreme stress. I felt that I wasn't prepared for this and at the back of my mind I even considered backing out - but it's already there and what I'm practically left to do is to go up to her and just talk.
At last the bell rung and I immediately went to my position - there's this glass divider that covers the entrance of the restroom just beside the CSR. I stood near there so that I can watch every single face that walks out of the room. Rups stood near the door of the CSR, waiting for Bianca to show up.
I checked my phone because it vibrated and I read mum's message on why I still wasn't home when I was supposed to be. But before I could finish reading the SMS, I heard Rups call out in an excited tone.
"Ui Bianca! Hahah!" in his classic laugh.
"Hey Rups! What are you doing here?" Bianca responded lively. That's when I looked at her and saw her smile yet again. I've been missing that view since the 16th of June and now I have it. And it's gorgeous. As I slipped my phone into my pocket and coughed so as to prepare for my little hello, Rups answered back to her.
"We're here to visit you. Mike's with me!" Rups told in a really big smile which made me smile too. He then pointed at my direction.
Bianca just passed in front of me without any eye contact. She went straight to the restroom instead. I knew something went really wrong - something must have been conjured so fast that quelled her smile as quickly as it came. Of course everybody's faces were like "dude wtf" but then I have to keep my composure indeed in order to execute my grand conjuration - a line I've been planning to say so as to clear all the mess up. I'm not really into explaining that mess though.
5 more minutes, as I was holding my ground right beside the glass divider a few feet perpendicular from the corridor of the restroom, Bianca emerged from the entrance and then slowly looked at me. And every single time I remember the look of that face and those once happy beautiful eyes, I shed a fucking tear. It's gay but I have no means of stopping it. The expression she had was indescribable that I kept asking myself if it was anger, or hatred, or confusion, or sadness, or whatever. It just struck me right on the spot that I didn't know how to react. Before she could pass me again though, I started.
"Bianca, I want to talk you."
She answered in a nod, but she didn't look up. Nor did she look at me. I continued.
"Are you going home?"
"Yes."
"Ah I see. Are you going to your car? If then, I'm going to walk with you."
"I'm fine."
"I just want to talk to you."
What lacked was the word 'please.' Step 1 of the composure speech thingy was already incomplete but the whole process has begun. She started walking towards Xavier hall. I didn't know what to say already and I forgot the goddamn chronology of the speech I planned for days. I literally crammed words into my mouth that I myself, at that moment, didn't know if I was making sense. I just kept my talk going. Yes - my talk that is because she was silent.
Fast forward, I was just in front of her car door in the parking lot right across Xavier after a conversation and she started her car's engine. We bid each other good bye and she closed her door. That was it for me. The day was already over. I pulled my bangs down, put my cap on, and cried. In silence, that is. Pure trails of tears poured from my eyes that I couldn't even look up. My efforts of stopping such have been of no use. So instead, I placed both of my hands behind my head with my right palm still holding the can of Pringles she declined from me and I was just looking down while walking my way back to the three who were waiting for me just outside the CSR. True enough, I failed my grand conjuration. Bianca delivered something much more powerful - a more extreme truth than what I had to say. Apparently fate has conjured something grand for me. I was a clown enough to even dare conjure something grand for it.
When I was almost at the SocSci building, a familiar voice pulled my senses from oblivion.
"Hey who's this handsome guy walking up to me?" said Anton Mozo, while raising his right hand for a high five. I gave him a full five fingers. But then, he interrupted his own talk when he saw the look on my face.
"Dude what happened?!" he asked. Not feeling in the mood to talk much, I summarized what happened throughout the day and I told him I'll tell the whole story some other time. I just invited him to play Killing Floor™ the next week. I followed up that I had to go.
I met with Rups, Randell and Arlo once I reached a bleacher they have invaded when I was gone. I told them what just happened, particularly when I blew up my speech that I was at a loss of what to say. Disaster indeed. I handed the can of Pringles to Rups and we ate. In a little while though, Rups and Randell had to leave. Arlo remained a little longer since he said he will be company.
As we walked out of the Ateneo, I was just lost, completely lost, as if I didn't have a soul - as if I was a true clown. I didn't know what to do for the rest of the day and the days after. When Arlo parted ways, I just walked in circles around Katipunan wondering what to do. Should I buy a bottle of water? Or a palm-full of candies? Or a pack of cigarettes? But then I remembered I was broke. After mindless walking, I went home. I skipped dinner. I was in my room crying like a lost little gay clown.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
9 days have passed since I saw myself as a clown. I was with Rups, Arlo and Randell on the same train - LRT Line 2 - on our way to Katipunan, the second to the last station with Santolan being the last. I am schoolmates with these guys and we hang out every single break time. And now I tugged them along since I have been planning something intense for that afternoon, or perhaps, the early hours of the evening. They agreed to be with me anyway.
The first Katipunan stop we headed to was Ministop because I wanted to buy a bag of Cheetos Flaming Hot or Cheetos Crunchy Cheddar for Bianca. The last time we saw each other was June 16 and it has been two months since I have been missing someone essential to my existence. I know she liked Cheetos and I'd like to give her one as a surprise since I was broke that time and had nothing up my sleeves other than 150 bucks since mum didn't give me any allowance that day. Unfortunately, Ministop ran out of supplies and so we headed to 7-11 on foot.
The convenience store was equally out of stock of my favorite Cheetos so I just decided to purchase a can of Pringles Cheddar Cheese. It was 5:00 pm when we were walking along the footbridge near the Gate 2.5 of Ateneo. We were to go to the Case Study Room (CSR) at the ground floor of the Social Sciences Building to wait for Bianca's dismissal. We easily breezed through the security with the excuse that we were to attend some sort of a seminar or a communication class at the CSR. Now that's a good lie.
It was roughly 5:15 pm when we took a bleacher a good distance in front of the SocSci building because I am playing safe, or rather, I don't want Bianca or anyone for that matter to know that I am around. Rups and I just kept on looking to check if someone familiar or Bianca would happen to see us because there were people going in and out of the CSR, and there were people too having class-related group discussions just outside the room. I even asked Rups to patrol the surrounding area just to be safe, with the excuse that whenever he is caught roaming around by Bianca or a friend of hers, he'd just make up an excuse that he was there to meet up with someone else.
While Rups was doing his job, I was planning my speech together with Arlo and Randell - knowing what to say, the chronology, the tone, overall delivery and everything else as if I was in a communication class too. The two didn't really prepare something grand for me other than the all-glorious tip that always works: be composed and honest, even if spontaneous. But still, my mind was crowded with little thoughts here and there. I wanted to say some things yet I felt like I shouldn't say them. It was seriously confusing for me to think of what to say considering that Bianca's going home once she is dismissed and that I wouldn't have the time to say what I really want to say completely.
Rups returned to our bleacher in around 5 minutes and briefed me. He didn't know for sure if the people outside the CSR belonged to Bianca's class. The good thing is that he didn't see some acquaintance around else we would've blown our cover. Now all we had to do was wait for 5:50 pm to strike and that's when we come in.
Well, around 5:30 pm the people just outside the CSR moved out to where I don't know or I don't remember. That's when the four of us moved in to the optimal spot of ambushing Bianca once she gets out of the room. Seating on a spot near the door made me very nervous. Every single door creak makes my heart skip a beat that I was even sweating due to extreme stress. I felt that I wasn't prepared for this and at the back of my mind I even considered backing out - but it's already there and what I'm practically left to do is to go up to her and just talk.
At last the bell rung and I immediately went to my position - there's this glass divider that covers the entrance of the restroom just beside the CSR. I stood near there so that I can watch every single face that walks out of the room. Rups stood near the door of the CSR, waiting for Bianca to show up.
I checked my phone because it vibrated and I read mum's message on why I still wasn't home when I was supposed to be. But before I could finish reading the SMS, I heard Rups call out in an excited tone.
"Ui Bianca! Hahah!" in his classic laugh.
"Hey Rups! What are you doing here?" Bianca responded lively. That's when I looked at her and saw her smile yet again. I've been missing that view since the 16th of June and now I have it. And it's gorgeous. As I slipped my phone into my pocket and coughed so as to prepare for my little hello, Rups answered back to her.
"We're here to visit you. Mike's with me!" Rups told in a really big smile which made me smile too. He then pointed at my direction.
Bianca just passed in front of me without any eye contact. She went straight to the restroom instead. I knew something went really wrong - something must have been conjured so fast that quelled her smile as quickly as it came. Of course everybody's faces were like "dude wtf" but then I have to keep my composure indeed in order to execute my grand conjuration - a line I've been planning to say so as to clear all the mess up. I'm not really into explaining that mess though.
5 more minutes, as I was holding my ground right beside the glass divider a few feet perpendicular from the corridor of the restroom, Bianca emerged from the entrance and then slowly looked at me. And every single time I remember the look of that face and those once happy beautiful eyes, I shed a fucking tear. It's gay but I have no means of stopping it. The expression she had was indescribable that I kept asking myself if it was anger, or hatred, or confusion, or sadness, or whatever. It just struck me right on the spot that I didn't know how to react. Before she could pass me again though, I started.
"Bianca, I want to talk you."
She answered in a nod, but she didn't look up. Nor did she look at me. I continued.
"Are you going home?"
"Yes."
"Ah I see. Are you going to your car? If then, I'm going to walk with you."
"I'm fine."
"I just want to talk to you."
What lacked was the word 'please.' Step 1 of the composure speech thingy was already incomplete but the whole process has begun. She started walking towards Xavier hall. I didn't know what to say already and I forgot the goddamn chronology of the speech I planned for days. I literally crammed words into my mouth that I myself, at that moment, didn't know if I was making sense. I just kept my talk going. Yes - my talk that is because she was silent.
Fast forward, I was just in front of her car door in the parking lot right across Xavier after a conversation and she started her car's engine. We bid each other good bye and she closed her door. That was it for me. The day was already over. I pulled my bangs down, put my cap on, and cried. In silence, that is. Pure trails of tears poured from my eyes that I couldn't even look up. My efforts of stopping such have been of no use. So instead, I placed both of my hands behind my head with my right palm still holding the can of Pringles she declined from me and I was just looking down while walking my way back to the three who were waiting for me just outside the CSR. True enough, I failed my grand conjuration. Bianca delivered something much more powerful - a more extreme truth than what I had to say. Apparently fate has conjured something grand for me. I was a clown enough to even dare conjure something grand for it.
When I was almost at the SocSci building, a familiar voice pulled my senses from oblivion.
"Hey who's this handsome guy walking up to me?" said Anton Mozo, while raising his right hand for a high five. I gave him a full five fingers. But then, he interrupted his own talk when he saw the look on my face.
"Dude what happened?!" he asked. Not feeling in the mood to talk much, I summarized what happened throughout the day and I told him I'll tell the whole story some other time. I just invited him to play Killing Floor™ the next week. I followed up that I had to go.
I met with Rups, Randell and Arlo once I reached a bleacher they have invaded when I was gone. I told them what just happened, particularly when I blew up my speech that I was at a loss of what to say. Disaster indeed. I handed the can of Pringles to Rups and we ate. In a little while though, Rups and Randell had to leave. Arlo remained a little longer since he said he will be company.
As we walked out of the Ateneo, I was just lost, completely lost, as if I didn't have a soul - as if I was a true clown. I didn't know what to do for the rest of the day and the days after. When Arlo parted ways, I just walked in circles around Katipunan wondering what to do. Should I buy a bottle of water? Or a palm-full of candies? Or a pack of cigarettes? But then I remembered I was broke. After mindless walking, I went home. I skipped dinner. I was in my room crying like a lost little gay clown.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Chapter 1: Coulrophobia
Curly, fancy hair in various colors and volume; big, round, red nose; thick, weird lips; white face; irritating laugh; mime-like gestures and a stupid derogatory outfit - a clown.
The world has had too much of clowns. They are about 95% of the world's human population and their numbers have exponentially increased in time since the birth of intellect. Imagine the shit out of that and the next thing you know you're already a fucking clown yourself. As much as you'd want to be not one of them, you're fortunately born to be one. You're not born free; you're born clown. It is your destiny, if ever you believed that shit.
You. Destined to be a clown some day, oh yes. How very interesting for a human being to turn into rancid cock sauce don't you think? Well, do clowns really believe in destiny?
For one thing, clowns appear to be good-for-nothing idiots who are brave, or rather intellectual enough to kindly dehumanize themselves in order to bring about entertainment to our hearts. Have you ever imagined though the souls within those clowns? Do they really have souls? Do they have their religions, or furthermore do they believe in a god or their gods? What is inside a clown's idiotic brain? What do clowns feel? Do clowns eat? Do they shit? Where do clowns live? Do they really belong in Disneyland? Don't they have any other form of transportation aside from gay pink unicycles? Do clowns have genders? Do they get to have some sex? Do they watch porn? Is there such a thing as clown porn? Well, yes to the last one, not that I've already seen one. I just think that there are clown fetishes.
You see, there are so many unanswerable questions clowns give you. And these questions are endless - one will lead to another and give birth to another and another and so on until they clown the fuck your wits off. It makes your complete rational thinking a bizarre circus. Well then, clowns tick you. In short, no matter what they do, pulling out a balloon and blowing it up into a fucking Barney or something, they fail. Come to think of it, clowns never did entertain you since childhood, as if having fun of them never seemed enough.
Clowns do piss you off. If you enjoyed being with a clown you should have some sort of a brain ailment. If you enjoyed being a clown however, you must have swallowed a whole dildo when you were young. But don't worry, almost everyone IS a clown. Almost.
That makes me sad. Whenever I am alone, sitting on a bench somewhere in this forsaken land, I see a clown pass in front of me wheeling a gay pink unicycle with balloons and is being chased by another clown blowing a dozen trumpets at once and they seem to be having fun. On the same bench I'm with a clown playing solitaire where all the cards of his deck are Jacks of Hearts and he has been doing a magic trick where all of the Jacks looked like they were jacking off. From afar a clown is flying paper planes that explode in mid-air into bits and pieces that scatter lots of candies for so many little clowns to gather. And when they are picking up what they can, a fucking blimp with a clown's face on it crashes down to them and poof - a circus appears, just like every other building in this goddamn city except for the McDonald's branches nationwide.
Clowns are here, clowns are there, clowns are everywhere. I've only seen so few of us who are normal, normal in a sense that we still don't feel like clowning around just like everyone else does. As the clown right beside me pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, I stood up and walked away. I saw the clown ignite it and poof - a fucking tiny clown as big as the lighter appeared flying just in front of me like a fly. In it's tiny voice it tried to sing something like:
"YOU sir are a clown."
"I know," the bigger clown responded.
Poof. The little asshole disappeared. I pulled out my own pack of cigarettes and got my fingers a stick, lit a small flame, took a puff and walked away - no clown. I don't really get the randomness of these clowns.
The world is now a fucking circus. It isn't real anymore. It makes me ask myself why almost everyone turned into clowns. I hate this world now for every single tree in every single block is pink or blue or violet in color. Every single car is a jack-in-a-box with wheels. Every pedestrian sells balloons for a living. Everyone seems to have juggling balls as a hobby. Every sound you hear is either a poof or a toink or some circus tune. There's a parade of clowns here and there. There is no government. There is no anarchy. There is no chaos. There is just an enormous circus with running elephants chased by a mob of idiotic clowns in various outfits.
The happier thing is that some people are not really clowns but they do strive hard to be clowns. Some fully-grown clowns do not want to be fully-grown clowns. Some clowns deserve to die.
I took the train on my way home. Almost everyone left in the second to the last station in the train's route. I was alone on my bench and right across me is a window. The longer I stared at it, the more I could make out my reflection. And as I was staring blankly ahead I realized that my hair is something frizzy, shooting up like an afro, and every single strand is orange. In shock, I looked down to see my shoes gone and I'm in a big red fancy footwear with no goddamn brand. My chucks are nowhere in sight. My palms are turning thick white in color. My bag is turning into a bunch of tied balloons. My jeans are turning into pajamas with polka dots and stripes. And before I realized it, the train stopped at the last station and the doors opened. I hurriedly left my seat and pulled my phone from my pocket to inform any normal friend that I am turning to some sort of a fucking clown.
Poof. My cellular phone is now a fucking jack-in-a-box and it pointed at me, laughing. I can feel the thick make up on my face. I ran into the nearest window in the station to see my reflection. I am now...
A fucking shit...
Of a clown.
With balloons tied on my right wrist, I slowly descended the stairs towards the exit. I don't know what to feel but an epiphany - my fears have become phobias - and when I passed right through the fucking exit, I realized I was laughing, laughing so hard like a true clown. Yes, the irritating one. I seemed to envy every clown around me playing with cards and juggling balls and blowing fire while riding cute little unicycles or flying up the sky with a hundred balloons tied on the neck.
My greatest fear is myself.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
The world has had too much of clowns. They are about 95% of the world's human population and their numbers have exponentially increased in time since the birth of intellect. Imagine the shit out of that and the next thing you know you're already a fucking clown yourself. As much as you'd want to be not one of them, you're fortunately born to be one. You're not born free; you're born clown. It is your destiny, if ever you believed that shit.
You. Destined to be a clown some day, oh yes. How very interesting for a human being to turn into rancid cock sauce don't you think? Well, do clowns really believe in destiny?
For one thing, clowns appear to be good-for-nothing idiots who are brave, or rather intellectual enough to kindly dehumanize themselves in order to bring about entertainment to our hearts. Have you ever imagined though the souls within those clowns? Do they really have souls? Do they have their religions, or furthermore do they believe in a god or their gods? What is inside a clown's idiotic brain? What do clowns feel? Do clowns eat? Do they shit? Where do clowns live? Do they really belong in Disneyland? Don't they have any other form of transportation aside from gay pink unicycles? Do clowns have genders? Do they get to have some sex? Do they watch porn? Is there such a thing as clown porn? Well, yes to the last one, not that I've already seen one. I just think that there are clown fetishes.
You see, there are so many unanswerable questions clowns give you. And these questions are endless - one will lead to another and give birth to another and another and so on until they clown the fuck your wits off. It makes your complete rational thinking a bizarre circus. Well then, clowns tick you. In short, no matter what they do, pulling out a balloon and blowing it up into a fucking Barney or something, they fail. Come to think of it, clowns never did entertain you since childhood, as if having fun of them never seemed enough.
Clowns do piss you off. If you enjoyed being with a clown you should have some sort of a brain ailment. If you enjoyed being a clown however, you must have swallowed a whole dildo when you were young. But don't worry, almost everyone IS a clown. Almost.
That makes me sad. Whenever I am alone, sitting on a bench somewhere in this forsaken land, I see a clown pass in front of me wheeling a gay pink unicycle with balloons and is being chased by another clown blowing a dozen trumpets at once and they seem to be having fun. On the same bench I'm with a clown playing solitaire where all the cards of his deck are Jacks of Hearts and he has been doing a magic trick where all of the Jacks looked like they were jacking off. From afar a clown is flying paper planes that explode in mid-air into bits and pieces that scatter lots of candies for so many little clowns to gather. And when they are picking up what they can, a fucking blimp with a clown's face on it crashes down to them and poof - a circus appears, just like every other building in this goddamn city except for the McDonald's branches nationwide.
Clowns are here, clowns are there, clowns are everywhere. I've only seen so few of us who are normal, normal in a sense that we still don't feel like clowning around just like everyone else does. As the clown right beside me pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, I stood up and walked away. I saw the clown ignite it and poof - a fucking tiny clown as big as the lighter appeared flying just in front of me like a fly. In it's tiny voice it tried to sing something like:
"YOU sir are a clown."
"I know," the bigger clown responded.
Poof. The little asshole disappeared. I pulled out my own pack of cigarettes and got my fingers a stick, lit a small flame, took a puff and walked away - no clown. I don't really get the randomness of these clowns.
The world is now a fucking circus. It isn't real anymore. It makes me ask myself why almost everyone turned into clowns. I hate this world now for every single tree in every single block is pink or blue or violet in color. Every single car is a jack-in-a-box with wheels. Every pedestrian sells balloons for a living. Everyone seems to have juggling balls as a hobby. Every sound you hear is either a poof or a toink or some circus tune. There's a parade of clowns here and there. There is no government. There is no anarchy. There is no chaos. There is just an enormous circus with running elephants chased by a mob of idiotic clowns in various outfits.
The happier thing is that some people are not really clowns but they do strive hard to be clowns. Some fully-grown clowns do not want to be fully-grown clowns. Some clowns deserve to die.
I took the train on my way home. Almost everyone left in the second to the last station in the train's route. I was alone on my bench and right across me is a window. The longer I stared at it, the more I could make out my reflection. And as I was staring blankly ahead I realized that my hair is something frizzy, shooting up like an afro, and every single strand is orange. In shock, I looked down to see my shoes gone and I'm in a big red fancy footwear with no goddamn brand. My chucks are nowhere in sight. My palms are turning thick white in color. My bag is turning into a bunch of tied balloons. My jeans are turning into pajamas with polka dots and stripes. And before I realized it, the train stopped at the last station and the doors opened. I hurriedly left my seat and pulled my phone from my pocket to inform any normal friend that I am turning to some sort of a fucking clown.
Poof. My cellular phone is now a fucking jack-in-a-box and it pointed at me, laughing. I can feel the thick make up on my face. I ran into the nearest window in the station to see my reflection. I am now...
A fucking shit...
Of a clown.
With balloons tied on my right wrist, I slowly descended the stairs towards the exit. I don't know what to feel but an epiphany - my fears have become phobias - and when I passed right through the fucking exit, I realized I was laughing, laughing so hard like a true clown. Yes, the irritating one. I seemed to envy every clown around me playing with cards and juggling balls and blowing fire while riding cute little unicycles or flying up the sky with a hundred balloons tied on the neck.
My greatest fear is myself.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Introduction
Greetings, mortal.
You are to be an entertained reader. You're linked to this site because you clicked on my blog at Multiply. This whole blog is actually a chronicle of a fraction of my life, which I don't expect you to really care about, from November 2008 to June 2009. Quite some time, huh?
For those interested about the Mike-Bianca story or my epic Ateneo kickout story appropriately called as 'honorable dismissal,' this is the site for you.
If you feel that I've been missing you with stories and that I haven't filled you yet with updates or whatever of the same shit, this is the site for you.
Go and read ahead, else kindly close this window and go get some sex. Kidding. You can use this page to link yourself to all the chapters or you can use the navigational pane at the right. There's also a link to the next chapter at the end of every chapter so you'd definitely not get lost.
This is a good 1-2 hour read.
I hope you'd enjoy!
List of Chapters:
Chapter 1: Registered
Chapter 2: November Rain
Chapter 3: The Real Deal
Chapter 4: Jingle Bells
Chapter 5: Volta
Chapter 6: Denouement Of Intricacies
Chapter 7: Seventh Heaven
Chapter 8: Zen Garden
Chapter 9: Cloud Nine
Chapter 10: Sandman Saturdays
Chapter 11: Sidewalks
Chapter 12: Moment Of Truth
Chapter 13: Rejected
Chapter 14: Accepted
Chapter 15: Mathematics 69 And 0
Chapter 16: Labyrinth
Chapter 17: Chicken Hainanese
Chapter 18: Coincidental Rendezvous
Chapter 19: A Dejected Argument
Chapter 20: Fate/Stay Night
Chapter 21: Genesis
Chapter 22: The Devil Lock
Chapter 23: Rebirth
You are to be an entertained reader. You're linked to this site because you clicked on my blog at Multiply. This whole blog is actually a chronicle of a fraction of my life, which I don't expect you to really care about, from November 2008 to June 2009. Quite some time, huh?
For those interested about the Mike-Bianca story or my epic Ateneo kickout story appropriately called as 'honorable dismissal,' this is the site for you.
If you feel that I've been missing you with stories and that I haven't filled you yet with updates or whatever of the same shit, this is the site for you.
Go and read ahead, else kindly close this window and go get some sex. Kidding. You can use this page to link yourself to all the chapters or you can use the navigational pane at the right. There's also a link to the next chapter at the end of every chapter so you'd definitely not get lost.
This is a good 1-2 hour read.
I hope you'd enjoy!
List of Chapters:
Chapter 1: Registered
Chapter 2: November Rain
Chapter 3: The Real Deal
Chapter 4: Jingle Bells
Chapter 5: Volta
Chapter 6: Denouement Of Intricacies
Chapter 7: Seventh Heaven
Chapter 8: Zen Garden
Chapter 9: Cloud Nine
Chapter 10: Sandman Saturdays
Chapter 11: Sidewalks
Chapter 12: Moment Of Truth
Chapter 13: Rejected
Chapter 14: Accepted
Chapter 15: Mathematics 69 And 0
Chapter 16: Labyrinth
Chapter 17: Chicken Hainanese
Chapter 18: Coincidental Rendezvous
Chapter 19: A Dejected Argument
Chapter 20: Fate/Stay Night
Chapter 21: Genesis
Chapter 22: The Devil Lock
Chapter 23: Rebirth
Chapter 23: Rebirth
June 16, 2009.
Around 9:10 am Bianca and I were exchanging calls checking to see where to look out for each other. She just finished her first class for her first day of classes and I was still on my way to Ateneo with her over-delayed birthday gift.
"Mike, where are you? I'm already here at Gonzaga, right in front of the chapel," she phoned me since I dropped the previous call because of the choppy connection.
"I'm almost there!" I answered quickly since Gonzaga hall was already in sight from my dad's car.
In a minute I opened The Isuzu Alterra's door, stepped down, waved at Bianca and signaled her to wait for a moment, and then brought out my backpack and the gift bag I wished to give to her. And in no time I was already standing right in front of her, smiling. And as I've said before, I don't smile. Bianca's just an exception.
The moment we looked eye to eye, she said,
"What happened to your hair!?"
"It grew. I still couldn't decide with Kris if it should be a devil lock or a totally long hair. Anyway..." I continued while reaching out the Blue Magic gift bag to her, "Here, happy birthday!"
"Haha it's late, But still, thanks!"
The moment I saw her smile, I couldn't help myself but have my eyes closed and bite my lip and look at the sky and praise the Lord Alleluia. As usual I'm over-describing things. I couldn't express my happiness by any means but to smile and look at Bianca satisfied.
She then introduced me to her friend, Bea (who Danya used as a threat to me whenever I bully her), who was with her as a witness to my GG epic win. Our talk was not that long since Bianca told me they were going to hang out and things seemed that I don't have any more business to do with them so I left in a short while. I went to the AMP bench to meet up with some Ateneo friends.
Bianca was very beautiful at that time, way more beautiful than before.
Bad news: I didn't get to look at Bianca very well because my fucking hair was in the way. So fuck my hair. Other than that, we're cool.
You see, the devil lock has locked my sight from Bianca. Not just literally of course, but in a figurative way too - just as what I described the chapter before. I am a pessimist. I'd never win her heart. No, put it this way. I'm just trying to be real. She is definitely out of my league and she'll always be.
I bought a can of coke at the cafeteria, as I always do every single school day, and then went straight to the AMP bench. As soon as I arrived, Kris, Brian and Ralph Aguinaldo were already there. I had a good talk with the guys which was interrupted when Bianca passed by and had a little chat with someone at the bench before leaving, consequently leaving me stunned in the process.
She waved at me though and she was smiling. I love that girl.
Oh and by the way, I've requested Anton Magno to watch over her and keep her safe when I'm gone. Dude, if ever you read this, stick that to your mind. Haha. I'm trusting you Anton.
At around 10:00 am Brian and I went with Kris to Gonzaga hall (the spot where I handed Bianca the gift bag) to accomplish a mission - intercepting Jeimi to say a little 'hi.' We failed though - Brian had classes, Jeimi didn't seem to pass by our spot, and I had to leave for McDonald's because Rups and Chantal have been looking for me.
After a Crispy Chicken Sandwich and a Coke Zero merienda, Rups and I went to Kalayaan College and we were late for our first class by 15 minutes.
Wait, what? Kalayaan College? Oh yes. The 1st of June, mom asked me to withdraw my application at FEU because she considered it to be too far from home even though I had a merit scholarship opportunity. I followed her order although it got me a little pissed because I had to do the whole application processing shit all over again right from the very beginning, and this time it was way more stressing.
I shifted to Kalayaan College knowing that there were many fellow Ateneans over there and I thought of joining the bandwagon. The school was actually pretty decent and I'd say I'd be enjoying my stay there for quite some time. And yes, maybe I could start my new life.
I should start my Renaissance.
It already began the moment I saw Bianca.
I had my lunch break at Ateneo as well since Kalayaan College was only one train ride away, and that we don't have a goddamn cafeteria there. Besides, I might chance to see Bianca around, but no. I just enjoyed my Chicken Hainanese with Rups and Brian at SEC walk.
When Rups and I left Ateneo we happened to see Jeimi walking up the stairs of the foot bridge right in front of Ateneo Gate 2.5. We were to descend the opposite flight of stairs but the moment I saw her I stopped on my tracks. When Jeimi looked up to see who was standing by, she smiled. It was a really lucky coincidence since Rups and I were to leave Katipunan and we just chanced to see Jeimi walking out of National Book Store. We only had a short chat since Rups and I had to go immediately.
We were late again; this time for the second class. When we were dismissed I received a text message from Bianca and she was asking if I was still in Ateneo. It was 4:00 pm and I replied,
"On my way."
She said she just wanted to thank me. As much as I'd like to go see her, I couldn't because she had to go to her last class for the day which started around 4:30 pm. I just went home instead. I texted her around 6 pm asking how her day went but I received no reply.
June 17, 2009. 12:20 am. I texted her a good night message and I told her I hoped she liked the gift I gave her. She replied around 12:47. I was in bed when I was reading the text message and I was holding my Sun mobile phone with my right hand and positioned it in front of my face.
"Yeah. It's sweet of you to even drop it at school. :-)"
After I read the message, I flipped my phone closed and left the keypad locked, placed it by my head pillow beside my Globe phone, and went to sleep.
I woke up at 7:00 am because my class will start at 10:00 am. When we were dismissed, Rups and I went to Katipunan. Rups was to go to UP and meet up with Chantal and I was to go to Ateneo and hangout with Kris since I had nothing to do. Instead of going to Ateneo though, I saw my block mates at McDonald's so I opted to sit down with them and have lunch. Just before they left for their respective classes, Marco and Ken sat with me.
All in all it was a good day. I'm going to miss Ateneo. I'm going to miss Katipunan.
I once wished I'd experience failure. I was an excellent student back in grade school but I was inspired by my high school classmates to sit back a little bit and just relax. They introduced me to the truth that everything is going to be just fine. But, as an adventure, I exceeded what most wouldn't dare - failing. And now that I've experienced it I'm in no state to regret everything I've done that caused this fall.
Failure is a success in itself. Failure defines success. Without failure, there is no success in this world. And proving that reality to myself is one step ahead to the real world. This in turn has already banished the devil lock from my mind, or rather, it has unlocked the devil within me. Sounds confusing, eh?
Perhaps I should get a haircut soon.
I am a pessimist. I'd never win Bianca's heart. No, put it this way and try to be real - she is out of my fucking league - but it doesn't matter now. All I care about is making sure that she is infinitely...
Loved.
-----
[END]
Around 9:10 am Bianca and I were exchanging calls checking to see where to look out for each other. She just finished her first class for her first day of classes and I was still on my way to Ateneo with her over-delayed birthday gift.
"Mike, where are you? I'm already here at Gonzaga, right in front of the chapel," she phoned me since I dropped the previous call because of the choppy connection.
"I'm almost there!" I answered quickly since Gonzaga hall was already in sight from my dad's car.
In a minute I opened The Isuzu Alterra's door, stepped down, waved at Bianca and signaled her to wait for a moment, and then brought out my backpack and the gift bag I wished to give to her. And in no time I was already standing right in front of her, smiling. And as I've said before, I don't smile. Bianca's just an exception.
The moment we looked eye to eye, she said,
"What happened to your hair!?"
"It grew. I still couldn't decide with Kris if it should be a devil lock or a totally long hair. Anyway..." I continued while reaching out the Blue Magic gift bag to her, "Here, happy birthday!"
"Haha it's late, But still, thanks!"
The moment I saw her smile, I couldn't help myself but have my eyes closed and bite my lip and look at the sky and praise the Lord Alleluia. As usual I'm over-describing things. I couldn't express my happiness by any means but to smile and look at Bianca satisfied.
She then introduced me to her friend, Bea (who Danya used as a threat to me whenever I bully her), who was with her as a witness to my GG epic win. Our talk was not that long since Bianca told me they were going to hang out and things seemed that I don't have any more business to do with them so I left in a short while. I went to the AMP bench to meet up with some Ateneo friends.
Bianca was very beautiful at that time, way more beautiful than before.
Bad news: I didn't get to look at Bianca very well because my fucking hair was in the way. So fuck my hair. Other than that, we're cool.
You see, the devil lock has locked my sight from Bianca. Not just literally of course, but in a figurative way too - just as what I described the chapter before. I am a pessimist. I'd never win her heart. No, put it this way. I'm just trying to be real. She is definitely out of my league and she'll always be.
I bought a can of coke at the cafeteria, as I always do every single school day, and then went straight to the AMP bench. As soon as I arrived, Kris, Brian and Ralph Aguinaldo were already there. I had a good talk with the guys which was interrupted when Bianca passed by and had a little chat with someone at the bench before leaving, consequently leaving me stunned in the process.
She waved at me though and she was smiling. I love that girl.
Oh and by the way, I've requested Anton Magno to watch over her and keep her safe when I'm gone. Dude, if ever you read this, stick that to your mind. Haha. I'm trusting you Anton.
At around 10:00 am Brian and I went with Kris to Gonzaga hall (the spot where I handed Bianca the gift bag) to accomplish a mission - intercepting Jeimi to say a little 'hi.' We failed though - Brian had classes, Jeimi didn't seem to pass by our spot, and I had to leave for McDonald's because Rups and Chantal have been looking for me.
After a Crispy Chicken Sandwich and a Coke Zero merienda, Rups and I went to Kalayaan College and we were late for our first class by 15 minutes.
Wait, what? Kalayaan College? Oh yes. The 1st of June, mom asked me to withdraw my application at FEU because she considered it to be too far from home even though I had a merit scholarship opportunity. I followed her order although it got me a little pissed because I had to do the whole application processing shit all over again right from the very beginning, and this time it was way more stressing.
I shifted to Kalayaan College knowing that there were many fellow Ateneans over there and I thought of joining the bandwagon. The school was actually pretty decent and I'd say I'd be enjoying my stay there for quite some time. And yes, maybe I could start my new life.
I should start my Renaissance.
It already began the moment I saw Bianca.
I had my lunch break at Ateneo as well since Kalayaan College was only one train ride away, and that we don't have a goddamn cafeteria there. Besides, I might chance to see Bianca around, but no. I just enjoyed my Chicken Hainanese with Rups and Brian at SEC walk.
When Rups and I left Ateneo we happened to see Jeimi walking up the stairs of the foot bridge right in front of Ateneo Gate 2.5. We were to descend the opposite flight of stairs but the moment I saw her I stopped on my tracks. When Jeimi looked up to see who was standing by, she smiled. It was a really lucky coincidence since Rups and I were to leave Katipunan and we just chanced to see Jeimi walking out of National Book Store. We only had a short chat since Rups and I had to go immediately.
We were late again; this time for the second class. When we were dismissed I received a text message from Bianca and she was asking if I was still in Ateneo. It was 4:00 pm and I replied,
"On my way."
She said she just wanted to thank me. As much as I'd like to go see her, I couldn't because she had to go to her last class for the day which started around 4:30 pm. I just went home instead. I texted her around 6 pm asking how her day went but I received no reply.
June 17, 2009. 12:20 am. I texted her a good night message and I told her I hoped she liked the gift I gave her. She replied around 12:47. I was in bed when I was reading the text message and I was holding my Sun mobile phone with my right hand and positioned it in front of my face.
"Yeah. It's sweet of you to even drop it at school. :-)"
After I read the message, I flipped my phone closed and left the keypad locked, placed it by my head pillow beside my Globe phone, and went to sleep.
I woke up at 7:00 am because my class will start at 10:00 am. When we were dismissed, Rups and I went to Katipunan. Rups was to go to UP and meet up with Chantal and I was to go to Ateneo and hangout with Kris since I had nothing to do. Instead of going to Ateneo though, I saw my block mates at McDonald's so I opted to sit down with them and have lunch. Just before they left for their respective classes, Marco and Ken sat with me.
All in all it was a good day. I'm going to miss Ateneo. I'm going to miss Katipunan.
I once wished I'd experience failure. I was an excellent student back in grade school but I was inspired by my high school classmates to sit back a little bit and just relax. They introduced me to the truth that everything is going to be just fine. But, as an adventure, I exceeded what most wouldn't dare - failing. And now that I've experienced it I'm in no state to regret everything I've done that caused this fall.
Failure is a success in itself. Failure defines success. Without failure, there is no success in this world. And proving that reality to myself is one step ahead to the real world. This in turn has already banished the devil lock from my mind, or rather, it has unlocked the devil within me. Sounds confusing, eh?
Perhaps I should get a haircut soon.
I am a pessimist. I'd never win Bianca's heart. No, put it this way and try to be real - she is out of my fucking league - but it doesn't matter now. All I care about is making sure that she is infinitely...
Loved.
-----
[END]
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Chapter 22: The Devil Lock
Let me clear some things first before continuing. I know you've been pretty much confused by how things have been going inside my mind.
1.) There was never an 'us.'
2.) We're just friends. I just treat her extra special.
3.) I stress on very common and normal things, making them look special too.
4.) Shit happens.
5.) I was divided among choices - of pursuing her or not, or whatever.
I wasn't able to make the choice from the very beginning and so the choice made me. That doesn't make me any better than a fool making a fool of himself thinking that doing so is not foolish at all. Does that make us all fools choosing over foolish choices? Would we fool the beginning by choosing the end? Or would we rather have the beginning and the end as one? Making fools and choices as one too in the process?
You see, the world revolves in beginnings and ends formed by fools and choices. The sequence of such phenomenon does not digress a single bit from this linear occurrence - everything begins and ends - which is an inevitably irreversible natural process that is further subrogated by a cycle where 1.) the fool, who is a fool in the first place, makes a choice that does not change anything, or 2.) the choice makes the fool a true fool which does not change anything too, rendering the whole cycle foolishness.
This happens, always.
Optimists tell you that this is complete bullshit. To tell you the truth, optimists are actually the epitome of the word 'bullshit.'
Put it this way. Have a male optimist and a male pessimist sit on a bench in a park or something and let a really hot dream girl they've been thinking of pass in front of them together with her boyfriend and then compare side by side what the two would be saying.
Pessimist: That girl is hot, man. Damn she has a boyfriend already. Oh well.
Optimist: That girl is hot man, Damn she has a boyfriend already. But because I am an optimist as opposed to the sucker right beside me I'd prefer to think that she and I are going to be one someday.
Kindly analyze the fucking difference.
When you plainly read those, it can be directly concluded that the pessimist, as his title suggests, was thinking highly negative by blurting out a totally hopeless statement. That is why I'd like to call them the 'fucked ones.' On the other hand, the optimist belong to what we technically call the 'fuckers.' Why is that?
The pessimist satisfies himself with the reality that he'd have no chance on the dream girl. He contents himself with that. That's just fine if we let him be a certified sucker as he is. But the optimist, I mean the fucker, is thinking highly negative and conjuring it as something positive. Here is a possibility: he is subconsciously wishing, or hoping for that matter (well he may just be putting it that way when he is completely aware of what he is wishing for and its consequences), that the hot dream girl would break up with her boyfriend someday. That's when he gets his chance. That is what we call 'evil' ladies and gentlemen.
So actually, the certified sucker is much better compared to this fucker optimist that's a branded asshole since birth.
Oh shit. I got you there twit. Think positive, huh? Well, think again. Here's something for the fuckers out there: think before you think positive, fucker.
My friend, Elena, who I constantly bullied ever since I've known her, once said,
"Pessimists are what ruin the world."
Well, the real fuckers ruin the world. The pessimists are just fools left with no choices because they chose to do so. The optimists are left with choices however but they opt to make a fool of themselves simply because they wanted to but would never admit it. Fucking gay shit if you ask me.
In summary, the pessimists are worthless creatures that make this planet stink as it is while the optimists are the worst stench that make this planet stink even more. That makes them all fuckers which consequently dooms them to be the fucked ones in the end. These optimists and pessimists are good-for-nothing mortals that passionately fuck themselves with hopes and dreams. They have something in common though. They do suffer the same fate; it's just that they choose the form of their suffering - the pessimist proving himself to be a certified sucker, and the optimist a fucker... To himself.
The world is ruined from the very beginning and it won't be foolish to choose to end it, or rather, by choosing to end the ruin of this world you begin your own foolishness thereby ruining your own world yielding no actual difference. Effort is futile indeed.
The whole of humankind is cursed from the very beginning, dreaded by themselves and doomed upon themselves. This is what I'd like to call,
'The Devil Lock.'
Of course I'm kidding. If you actually believed that shit you're really fucked, man. It is quite evident that the whole argument above is actually one-sided. And that is what the close-minded seal themselves with - they propose a biased duality as a truth and that nothing is ever going out of that box forever. The true truth however is that there is no box.
Everything goes.
The point is, up until now I've just been arguing with myself. I just miss Bianca.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
1.) There was never an 'us.'
2.) We're just friends. I just treat her extra special.
3.) I stress on very common and normal things, making them look special too.
4.) Shit happens.
5.) I was divided among choices - of pursuing her or not, or whatever.
I wasn't able to make the choice from the very beginning and so the choice made me. That doesn't make me any better than a fool making a fool of himself thinking that doing so is not foolish at all. Does that make us all fools choosing over foolish choices? Would we fool the beginning by choosing the end? Or would we rather have the beginning and the end as one? Making fools and choices as one too in the process?
You see, the world revolves in beginnings and ends formed by fools and choices. The sequence of such phenomenon does not digress a single bit from this linear occurrence - everything begins and ends - which is an inevitably irreversible natural process that is further subrogated by a cycle where 1.) the fool, who is a fool in the first place, makes a choice that does not change anything, or 2.) the choice makes the fool a true fool which does not change anything too, rendering the whole cycle foolishness.
This happens, always.
Optimists tell you that this is complete bullshit. To tell you the truth, optimists are actually the epitome of the word 'bullshit.'
Put it this way. Have a male optimist and a male pessimist sit on a bench in a park or something and let a really hot dream girl they've been thinking of pass in front of them together with her boyfriend and then compare side by side what the two would be saying.
Pessimist: That girl is hot, man. Damn she has a boyfriend already. Oh well.
Optimist: That girl is hot man, Damn she has a boyfriend already. But because I am an optimist as opposed to the sucker right beside me I'd prefer to think that she and I are going to be one someday.
Kindly analyze the fucking difference.
When you plainly read those, it can be directly concluded that the pessimist, as his title suggests, was thinking highly negative by blurting out a totally hopeless statement. That is why I'd like to call them the 'fucked ones.' On the other hand, the optimist belong to what we technically call the 'fuckers.' Why is that?
The pessimist satisfies himself with the reality that he'd have no chance on the dream girl. He contents himself with that. That's just fine if we let him be a certified sucker as he is. But the optimist, I mean the fucker, is thinking highly negative and conjuring it as something positive. Here is a possibility: he is subconsciously wishing, or hoping for that matter (well he may just be putting it that way when he is completely aware of what he is wishing for and its consequences), that the hot dream girl would break up with her boyfriend someday. That's when he gets his chance. That is what we call 'evil' ladies and gentlemen.
So actually, the certified sucker is much better compared to this fucker optimist that's a branded asshole since birth.
Oh shit. I got you there twit. Think positive, huh? Well, think again. Here's something for the fuckers out there: think before you think positive, fucker.
My friend, Elena, who I constantly bullied ever since I've known her, once said,
"Pessimists are what ruin the world."
Well, the real fuckers ruin the world. The pessimists are just fools left with no choices because they chose to do so. The optimists are left with choices however but they opt to make a fool of themselves simply because they wanted to but would never admit it. Fucking gay shit if you ask me.
In summary, the pessimists are worthless creatures that make this planet stink as it is while the optimists are the worst stench that make this planet stink even more. That makes them all fuckers which consequently dooms them to be the fucked ones in the end. These optimists and pessimists are good-for-nothing mortals that passionately fuck themselves with hopes and dreams. They have something in common though. They do suffer the same fate; it's just that they choose the form of their suffering - the pessimist proving himself to be a certified sucker, and the optimist a fucker... To himself.
The world is ruined from the very beginning and it won't be foolish to choose to end it, or rather, by choosing to end the ruin of this world you begin your own foolishness thereby ruining your own world yielding no actual difference. Effort is futile indeed.
The whole of humankind is cursed from the very beginning, dreaded by themselves and doomed upon themselves. This is what I'd like to call,
'The Devil Lock.'
Of course I'm kidding. If you actually believed that shit you're really fucked, man. It is quite evident that the whole argument above is actually one-sided. And that is what the close-minded seal themselves with - they propose a biased duality as a truth and that nothing is ever going out of that box forever. The true truth however is that there is no box.
Everything goes.
The point is, up until now I've just been arguing with myself. I just miss Bianca.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Monday, May 25, 2009
Chapter 21: Genesis
Exactly 2 months before the exact time this chapter was published, I was at Yellow Cab, Eastwood City, Libis, having my moment of truth (kindly refer to Chapter 12).
I was dumped of course.
The time I was writing this blog, I was also phoning her but the service was temporarily unavailable. I was to call her just this afternoon but it seemed that her phone was unattended. Up until now my efforts were in vain.
And as I was thinking of the whole vacation and how to summarize it into one chapter, she phoned me. 11:00 pm. It was a talk I should cherish all my fucking life.
"Hi. Hello," I answered.
"Hello Mike."
"I was phoning you a while ago but it seemed you weren't with your phone or something."
"Well yeah. I was out."
Over an hour of chatting and my stomach called for food. I learned that Bianca just arrived home when she called me and that she still haven't changed clothes. So I gave her the time of doing so while I sneaked into the kitchen to grab a pack of Cheetos and a bowl of Kellogs to munch on.
We didn't call each other back and instead we sufficed ourselves with consistent exchange of text messages. Blown away by my happiness, I wasn't able to formulate a flow for this chapter as soon as possible so I had to delay publishing this chapter.
Looking back, the whole vacation was a mere bumming spree since I had nothing to do because I was sentenced with house arrest. Add to that the condition that I cannot use the computer for long periods of time, thus limiting the sources of indoor happiness, and that I cannot tune to the television the whole day unlike before. I could only go out if I had errands (e.g. applying for transfer credentials, acquiring my transcript of records, blah blah).
I did not get my ass into UP. As expected, I wasn't able to meet the minimum requirement for transferees so I had to immediately pull out my papers from them and find another school to apply to. Too bad I could not get into Philosophy - the course I wanted to be in to ever since first year. With the aid of Japs I had myself walking into the gates of the Far Eastern University as a transferee student.
It was a Wednesday, the 6th of May, and I was with Jap and Brian (I introduced the two). Jap had to do some stuff and in that process he could kind of assist me in applying at FEU. Brian was there primarily to hangout with me and join me in this little escapade since he had nothing to do.
May 8, 2009. 9:00 am. I was already sitting at room 307 of the Nursing Building at FEU having my entrance examination. Of course I didn't prepare. The questions were similar to a Facebook quiz and I finished in an hour and a half. I then went to Ateneo to get my official transcript of records that I should be submitting to FEU because I was quite sure I'm going to pass the entrance.
Indeed. I was accepted and I could apply for merit scholarship because I got a good 97% in the entrance exam. I was in for AB Literature. So everything was quite according to plan and I cheered up my parents' spirits with my latest accomplishment in life. Let's see what they're going to do with my scholarship then.
Happiness and glory aside, things were quite pains in the ass. Everything was such a hassle that I needed to bounce back and forth from Ateneo to UP and to FEU for several times to fix my papers and run into transactions. I had my application at UP finally cleared when I acquired back all my documents and submitted them straight to FEU - and it didn't end there - FEU wanted more than what UP required for applications so I had to go back to Ateneo to apply all over again for those fucking papers.
The evening of May 17, 2009 I decided to write something for Bianca. It's a short poem which can be found here. I'd like you to closely watch out for the details so as to unlock its secrets.
May 21, 2009. 2:20 pm.
"Hi mike! What's up?" Bianca messaged me at Yahoo! Messenger.
"Hi. Sorry for the late reply. I was making coffee downstairs." I haven't talked to her lately. I continued, "Uhhh what's up? Nothing much."
"How are you?" she asked.
"No, how are you?" I could not remember why I was in a bad mood back then.
"Answer my question first."
"Ladies first."
The argument kept on going in circles and I admit I sounded rude and sarcastic all throughout.
"I'm okay," she gave in, "But I think you're not in the mood to talk."
"As long as you're okay, I'm good. And oh, I'm always in the mood to talk."
"I'm sorry," she responded.
"Why?"
"Just wanted to know how you are."
Ok so I was in semi-asshole mode and I successfully ticked her off, ticking myself too in the process. It was fucking stupid of me.
And oh yes, for the last of the updates regarding the whole vacation - it is being on the phone with her the evening of May 25, 2009. Martin even told me that the 2-month fail-sary (as I'd like to put it) is not worth commemorating. I guess so, yes, but still it didn't break me - it made me instead, into another person. And as I've even said before, nothing's going to make me love her any less than today, or tomorrow, or the days after.
And here I am writing another Genesis of my life.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
I was dumped of course.
The time I was writing this blog, I was also phoning her but the service was temporarily unavailable. I was to call her just this afternoon but it seemed that her phone was unattended. Up until now my efforts were in vain.
And as I was thinking of the whole vacation and how to summarize it into one chapter, she phoned me. 11:00 pm. It was a talk I should cherish all my fucking life.
"Hi. Hello," I answered.
"Hello Mike."
"I was phoning you a while ago but it seemed you weren't with your phone or something."
"Well yeah. I was out."
Over an hour of chatting and my stomach called for food. I learned that Bianca just arrived home when she called me and that she still haven't changed clothes. So I gave her the time of doing so while I sneaked into the kitchen to grab a pack of Cheetos and a bowl of Kellogs to munch on.
We didn't call each other back and instead we sufficed ourselves with consistent exchange of text messages. Blown away by my happiness, I wasn't able to formulate a flow for this chapter as soon as possible so I had to delay publishing this chapter.
Looking back, the whole vacation was a mere bumming spree since I had nothing to do because I was sentenced with house arrest. Add to that the condition that I cannot use the computer for long periods of time, thus limiting the sources of indoor happiness, and that I cannot tune to the television the whole day unlike before. I could only go out if I had errands (e.g. applying for transfer credentials, acquiring my transcript of records, blah blah).
I did not get my ass into UP. As expected, I wasn't able to meet the minimum requirement for transferees so I had to immediately pull out my papers from them and find another school to apply to. Too bad I could not get into Philosophy - the course I wanted to be in to ever since first year. With the aid of Japs I had myself walking into the gates of the Far Eastern University as a transferee student.
It was a Wednesday, the 6th of May, and I was with Jap and Brian (I introduced the two). Jap had to do some stuff and in that process he could kind of assist me in applying at FEU. Brian was there primarily to hangout with me and join me in this little escapade since he had nothing to do.
May 8, 2009. 9:00 am. I was already sitting at room 307 of the Nursing Building at FEU having my entrance examination. Of course I didn't prepare. The questions were similar to a Facebook quiz and I finished in an hour and a half. I then went to Ateneo to get my official transcript of records that I should be submitting to FEU because I was quite sure I'm going to pass the entrance.
Indeed. I was accepted and I could apply for merit scholarship because I got a good 97% in the entrance exam. I was in for AB Literature. So everything was quite according to plan and I cheered up my parents' spirits with my latest accomplishment in life. Let's see what they're going to do with my scholarship then.
Happiness and glory aside, things were quite pains in the ass. Everything was such a hassle that I needed to bounce back and forth from Ateneo to UP and to FEU for several times to fix my papers and run into transactions. I had my application at UP finally cleared when I acquired back all my documents and submitted them straight to FEU - and it didn't end there - FEU wanted more than what UP required for applications so I had to go back to Ateneo to apply all over again for those fucking papers.
The evening of May 17, 2009 I decided to write something for Bianca. It's a short poem which can be found here. I'd like you to closely watch out for the details so as to unlock its secrets.
May 21, 2009. 2:20 pm.
"Hi mike! What's up?" Bianca messaged me at Yahoo! Messenger.
"Hi. Sorry for the late reply. I was making coffee downstairs." I haven't talked to her lately. I continued, "Uhhh what's up? Nothing much."
"How are you?" she asked.
"No, how are you?" I could not remember why I was in a bad mood back then.
"Answer my question first."
"Ladies first."
The argument kept on going in circles and I admit I sounded rude and sarcastic all throughout.
"I'm okay," she gave in, "But I think you're not in the mood to talk."
"As long as you're okay, I'm good. And oh, I'm always in the mood to talk."
"I'm sorry," she responded.
"Why?"
"Just wanted to know how you are."
Ok so I was in semi-asshole mode and I successfully ticked her off, ticking myself too in the process. It was fucking stupid of me.
And oh yes, for the last of the updates regarding the whole vacation - it is being on the phone with her the evening of May 25, 2009. Martin even told me that the 2-month fail-sary (as I'd like to put it) is not worth commemorating. I guess so, yes, but still it didn't break me - it made me instead, into another person. And as I've even said before, nothing's going to make me love her any less than today, or tomorrow, or the days after.
And here I am writing another Genesis of my life.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Chapter 20: Fate/Stay Night
Unusual title, eh? Does it sound familiar? Well for anime fans, yes.
Exactly 5 weeks ago, around 11:20 pm, I had to shut my computer down because I had to fucking obey stupid house regulations. I wasn't in the mood to sleep of course. I mean, who would be fucking asleep when the moment before you do so, you were being scolded for innocently killing boredom because you were a fucking bum all throughout the day. It has been pissing me off.
Because I was overly pissed at the time I didn't know I was already unconsciously scanning TV channels for a good show that'd hopefully lend me slumber, I tuned in to Animax at around 11:35 pm. I was like,
"Hey I know this fucking shit."
Indeed. It was the last anime I watched before I quit being a fan several years ago. As far as I could remember I was only able to watch the first 3 episodes of the whole series. I was a lucky ass because the moment I tuned in, episode 4 was already playing as if the show was for me.
Fate/Stay Night.
It was based on a video game and the story is pretty awesome although the anime version was minimized to fill in only 24 episodes where as the original length would probably be 100 times longer (hyperbole intended). Here's the gist of the story.
Setting: Japan
The main character named Shirou is an incapable magician who summoned a servant named Saber. Because of this he turned out to be one of the seven masters, who each has a servant, that will fight other masters and servants in the Holy Grail war. Now this war grants the last master and servant standing a wish through the power of the holy grail (note that Shirou was wishing for nothing), but to achieve this means to eliminate every single opponent through the forced cooperation of the master and the servant with the circumstances that 1.) only the servant can touch the grail, 2.) the master can force the servant. Let them sort their balls out with that. Smells like trouble.
Each servant is a reincarnation of a legendary character but in a different form. Saber for example is a woman but is actually King Arthur in the past. King Arthur wanted to win the Holy Grail war to undo a mistake that caused the fall of his kingdom. That is his purpose for fighting in the war. As the story progresses, Shirou pointed out that the effort was stupid since he believes that the past is the past and that what one should be thinking of and preparing for right now is the future. Moreover, he said that changing the past is childish - a mistake is a mistake and undoing something in the past means not getting over it up until now.
There have been numerous twists in the story, of which I'm not going to spoil anymore, that makes Fate/Stay Night a really cool anime considering that I only liked 4 or 5 animes in my whole life. Towards the end, Shirou and Saber were to fight one of the most powerful servants, who was a reincarnation of Gilgamesh (remember your Western history), and a formidable master, who was a survivor of the previous holy grail war that killed Shirou's stepfather.
Towards the end, Saber was able to kill Gilgamesh with her full power. Shirou was able to successfully defeat the last remaining master rendering him the glory of the holy grail war. But then, he ordered Saber to destroy the holy grail to stop the madness and wickedness it has brought to the world. At the end of it all, Saber realized that she loved Shirou who loved her first but she didn't succumb to because she was blinding herself that all she wanted was the grail. It was a cheesy ending, but there's this one scene that I fucking liked in this anime.
When Saber was able to defeat Gilgamesh, the guy told her that all he wanted was Saber and nothing more. Before he dissipated into thin air, he uttered the following words while having his right palm rest on Saber's left cheek.
"Some things are beautiful for the very reason that they are unobtainable."
And oh, during the last minutes of the very last episode there's this scene when Shirou was contemplating upon the past. I think he was standing on a bridge or something while overlooking a sea. It was the same place where he got to hang out with Saber before.
He said something like, "I might forget her smile, her voice, her face... But I won't be able to forget that I loved someone named Saber." I'm not sure with the accuracy of the words though but the essence was the same thing. Cheese. I enjoyed the whole series too that I wanted to download the game. It's just that my hard drive's left with only 200 MB of usable space whilst the whole visual novel was 2 gigabytes in size.
As if I've not had enough of animes and that I'm a fucking bum, I watched another series that was released December 2008. Now this anime's nothing fancy of intense sword fighting, bizarre sorcery, flying people and weird talking animals and mystical creatures and cute little demons and sexy hentai-ish angels - this one's normal, normal as in it can be seen in every day life. It's called,
ToraDora.
(Tiger Dragon, mind you.)
And this one's not fucking cheesy to tell the truth. This one's a simple laughtrip. The whole series can be found at YouTube if ever you're interested and I recommend it to those who don't like anime. Yes, those who don't like anime. And oh, try to unlock why the anime's entitled tiger and dragon. It's pretty interesting.
Interesting because... There's two guys who are good friends - one looks like a serial killer giving him the reputation of a delinquent in school, feared by many students, and the other guy a simple overworking genius and an athlete at the same time, and a heartthrob. They were second year high school students, and on the very first day of their school year, Ryuji 'the delinquent' bumped onto Taiga 'the palmtop tiger' (because of her tiger-like attitude that can beat the shit out of anyone, and palmtop because she's really small).
Now that's two powers clashing in school and Ryuji got his nose broken. Moving on, Taiga got to beat the shit out of Ryuji because she accidentally placed her love letter for Yusaku (Ryuji's good friend) in Ryuji's bag. Ryuji, in consolation, however opened up to Taiga about her feelings for Minori (a fellow baseball team captain of Yusaku) and that's when Taiga revealed that Minori was her goddamn bestfriend, so really, Ryuji screwed his ass twice - making her Taiga's dog for quite some time.
And the best goddamn thing is that they're all classmates.
And there's an addition to their simple group when Ami, a childhood friend of Yusaku and at the same time a really gorgeous model, transferred to their school and to their happy class.
What's good about this shit is that, throughout the story, Minori tried to hide her feelings for Ryuji, while Ami waited for Ryuji to give up on Minori so that she would have her chance. And then, in the end, Taiga realized that she liked Ryuji more than Yusaku (who by the way liked her before but started to like someone else). Now that's what we call intensity.
I'm not going to spoil the details. I'd rather have you see this for yourself.
The verdict: no matter how much time I spend on other things, the tigers and dragons of infatuation cling on me that I stay up all night pondering on the progression of my fate.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Exactly 5 weeks ago, around 11:20 pm, I had to shut my computer down because I had to fucking obey stupid house regulations. I wasn't in the mood to sleep of course. I mean, who would be fucking asleep when the moment before you do so, you were being scolded for innocently killing boredom because you were a fucking bum all throughout the day. It has been pissing me off.
Because I was overly pissed at the time I didn't know I was already unconsciously scanning TV channels for a good show that'd hopefully lend me slumber, I tuned in to Animax at around 11:35 pm. I was like,
"Hey I know this fucking shit."
Indeed. It was the last anime I watched before I quit being a fan several years ago. As far as I could remember I was only able to watch the first 3 episodes of the whole series. I was a lucky ass because the moment I tuned in, episode 4 was already playing as if the show was for me.
Fate/Stay Night.
It was based on a video game and the story is pretty awesome although the anime version was minimized to fill in only 24 episodes where as the original length would probably be 100 times longer (hyperbole intended). Here's the gist of the story.
Setting: Japan
The main character named Shirou is an incapable magician who summoned a servant named Saber. Because of this he turned out to be one of the seven masters, who each has a servant, that will fight other masters and servants in the Holy Grail war. Now this war grants the last master and servant standing a wish through the power of the holy grail (note that Shirou was wishing for nothing), but to achieve this means to eliminate every single opponent through the forced cooperation of the master and the servant with the circumstances that 1.) only the servant can touch the grail, 2.) the master can force the servant. Let them sort their balls out with that. Smells like trouble.
Each servant is a reincarnation of a legendary character but in a different form. Saber for example is a woman but is actually King Arthur in the past. King Arthur wanted to win the Holy Grail war to undo a mistake that caused the fall of his kingdom. That is his purpose for fighting in the war. As the story progresses, Shirou pointed out that the effort was stupid since he believes that the past is the past and that what one should be thinking of and preparing for right now is the future. Moreover, he said that changing the past is childish - a mistake is a mistake and undoing something in the past means not getting over it up until now.
There have been numerous twists in the story, of which I'm not going to spoil anymore, that makes Fate/Stay Night a really cool anime considering that I only liked 4 or 5 animes in my whole life. Towards the end, Shirou and Saber were to fight one of the most powerful servants, who was a reincarnation of Gilgamesh (remember your Western history), and a formidable master, who was a survivor of the previous holy grail war that killed Shirou's stepfather.
Towards the end, Saber was able to kill Gilgamesh with her full power. Shirou was able to successfully defeat the last remaining master rendering him the glory of the holy grail war. But then, he ordered Saber to destroy the holy grail to stop the madness and wickedness it has brought to the world. At the end of it all, Saber realized that she loved Shirou who loved her first but she didn't succumb to because she was blinding herself that all she wanted was the grail. It was a cheesy ending, but there's this one scene that I fucking liked in this anime.
When Saber was able to defeat Gilgamesh, the guy told her that all he wanted was Saber and nothing more. Before he dissipated into thin air, he uttered the following words while having his right palm rest on Saber's left cheek.
"Some things are beautiful for the very reason that they are unobtainable."
And oh, during the last minutes of the very last episode there's this scene when Shirou was contemplating upon the past. I think he was standing on a bridge or something while overlooking a sea. It was the same place where he got to hang out with Saber before.
He said something like, "I might forget her smile, her voice, her face... But I won't be able to forget that I loved someone named Saber." I'm not sure with the accuracy of the words though but the essence was the same thing. Cheese. I enjoyed the whole series too that I wanted to download the game. It's just that my hard drive's left with only 200 MB of usable space whilst the whole visual novel was 2 gigabytes in size.
As if I've not had enough of animes and that I'm a fucking bum, I watched another series that was released December 2008. Now this anime's nothing fancy of intense sword fighting, bizarre sorcery, flying people and weird talking animals and mystical creatures and cute little demons and sexy hentai-ish angels - this one's normal, normal as in it can be seen in every day life. It's called,
ToraDora.
(Tiger Dragon, mind you.)
And this one's not fucking cheesy to tell the truth. This one's a simple laughtrip. The whole series can be found at YouTube if ever you're interested and I recommend it to those who don't like anime. Yes, those who don't like anime. And oh, try to unlock why the anime's entitled tiger and dragon. It's pretty interesting.
Interesting because... There's two guys who are good friends - one looks like a serial killer giving him the reputation of a delinquent in school, feared by many students, and the other guy a simple overworking genius and an athlete at the same time, and a heartthrob. They were second year high school students, and on the very first day of their school year, Ryuji 'the delinquent' bumped onto Taiga 'the palmtop tiger' (because of her tiger-like attitude that can beat the shit out of anyone, and palmtop because she's really small).
Now that's two powers clashing in school and Ryuji got his nose broken. Moving on, Taiga got to beat the shit out of Ryuji because she accidentally placed her love letter for Yusaku (Ryuji's good friend) in Ryuji's bag. Ryuji, in consolation, however opened up to Taiga about her feelings for Minori (a fellow baseball team captain of Yusaku) and that's when Taiga revealed that Minori was her goddamn bestfriend, so really, Ryuji screwed his ass twice - making her Taiga's dog for quite some time.
And the best goddamn thing is that they're all classmates.
And there's an addition to their simple group when Ami, a childhood friend of Yusaku and at the same time a really gorgeous model, transferred to their school and to their happy class.
What's good about this shit is that, throughout the story, Minori tried to hide her feelings for Ryuji, while Ami waited for Ryuji to give up on Minori so that she would have her chance. And then, in the end, Taiga realized that she liked Ryuji more than Yusaku (who by the way liked her before but started to like someone else). Now that's what we call intensity.
I'm not going to spoil the details. I'd rather have you see this for yourself.
The verdict: no matter how much time I spend on other things, the tigers and dragons of infatuation cling on me that I stay up all night pondering on the progression of my fate.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Monday, May 18, 2009
Chapter 19: A Dejected Argument
May 5, 2009.
It was any other bum day since I was caged home for a full 24 hours. The whole day was actually quite fine and it was going steady until the clock hit 4:00 pm.
My mom called UP earlier that day to inquire about the processing of my application. It was bad news since the moment the Office of the University Registrar answered mum's call and asked for my name,
"Oh, Michael? From Ateneo?" asked by someone who got the line.
"Yes," mum immediately replied.
"Uhmm, we are still on the process of evaluating his grades but they are really low that he might not get the cut..."
It was a 1-minute conversation between mum and that someone. Mum just passed me this information since I was playing DotA when she called UP.
4:00 pm it is when dad arrived from Makati.
"So, if he's not going to UP...?" he confronted mum.
"We don't know."
"Then he's not going to study anymore! It's UP or nothing!" dad blatantly replied.
Angered yet shocked by this, I went to the dining room where both of them were discussing so that I could at least question how that decision came to be. In case, I also prepared to explain myself if ever mum and dad are going to GG-fy me for eternity. But a poor damned soul I was, the second they caught a glimpse of my figure emerging from the stairs, dad already started,
"Michael Eric, what now?"
"What 'what now'?" I slowly and softly answered.
"If you're not going to UP... Then you're not going anywhere!"
I didn't answer back to his fiery words. I was quite insulted with his statement. I know I got kicked out of the Ateneo because of my irresponsibility but for sure this isn't the way to settle this situation. I've always thought there's a room for improvement in any aspect of life I could be in, but then, what now?
That sucks.
May 6, 2009. 12:50 am.
I just signed in at Yahoo! Messenger because I got bored with TV shows and that I couldn't sleep. Just seconds after I clicked on the 'Available' button (since I do sign in as 'Invisible') a message window instantly popped up.
"Ooh Mr. Acosta is here ;))" Bianca said.
"Hi :-D"
"How are you?"
"Uhhh, screwed for life. You?"
"Screwed since a second ago."
"Why?"
"Because you said you're screwed for life."
I guarantee you those were the very words. It was only a 40-minute chat and all that time she was convincing me that I'm not a good-for-nothing person and that my parents weren't loathing me whatsoever. A pessimist I am, I argued that life's going to be wasted anytime soon. I told her that I've already lost everything the day before. I don't even know if my existence is going on a direction. I don't have anything more than that.
"But you have a friend that's bugging you right now and telling you not to give up because she believes in you."
Sweet. K. I was GG-fied yet again and I didn't know what to say but thanks. I knew I couldn't get myself to loving her any less because I just could not afford to.
"I told you," she continued, "You can't do anything. You're stuck with me. Sorry :-P"
The verdict was that we both believed there is goodness in this earth - she believes in mine; I believe in hers. Quits. Wait, what?!
It was pretty much casual talk when the chat crossed 20 minutes time but then she pitched in another GG line out of the blue.
"Haven't heard from you in a while. Hmmm."
"Why?"
"Don't get so depressed. There are so many beautiful things in this world."
"Indeed."
...
"Good thing I caught you online because I rarely get to afford the time," she said.
"I'm just a phone away."
She had to go in a little while so she already bid a good bye. She had to wake up early later that morning because she had to apply for her driver's license. But before we ended our conversation, we had these significant lines, I may say, that we traded with the winds of memory. I started out first.
"You're always convincing, Bianca. You can be in Ms. Universe."
"Nooo, I'm short."
"I'm not yet done. Ms Universe... Of my life."
"=))"
Fuck my ass. Now. That has to be the lamest line I could've said in my whole fucking life.
"I dont want to see you sad," I resumed.
"You want me to smile?"
"If I were a camera, I'm sure you'd always be smiling. That's why your smile is stored in my brain."
":)) Anyway, before I go, smile for me."
I did. It could've been more romantic if I had tears flowing down from my eyes, but no.
Life is one big fucking argument. Mike Acosta is a big fat argument. What do these have in common?
They're fucking dejected. That's cool, man.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
It was any other bum day since I was caged home for a full 24 hours. The whole day was actually quite fine and it was going steady until the clock hit 4:00 pm.
My mom called UP earlier that day to inquire about the processing of my application. It was bad news since the moment the Office of the University Registrar answered mum's call and asked for my name,
"Oh, Michael? From Ateneo?" asked by someone who got the line.
"Yes," mum immediately replied.
"Uhmm, we are still on the process of evaluating his grades but they are really low that he might not get the cut..."
It was a 1-minute conversation between mum and that someone. Mum just passed me this information since I was playing DotA when she called UP.
4:00 pm it is when dad arrived from Makati.
"So, if he's not going to UP...?" he confronted mum.
"We don't know."
"Then he's not going to study anymore! It's UP or nothing!" dad blatantly replied.
Angered yet shocked by this, I went to the dining room where both of them were discussing so that I could at least question how that decision came to be. In case, I also prepared to explain myself if ever mum and dad are going to GG-fy me for eternity. But a poor damned soul I was, the second they caught a glimpse of my figure emerging from the stairs, dad already started,
"Michael Eric, what now?"
"What 'what now'?" I slowly and softly answered.
"If you're not going to UP... Then you're not going anywhere!"
I didn't answer back to his fiery words. I was quite insulted with his statement. I know I got kicked out of the Ateneo because of my irresponsibility but for sure this isn't the way to settle this situation. I've always thought there's a room for improvement in any aspect of life I could be in, but then, what now?
That sucks.
May 6, 2009. 12:50 am.
I just signed in at Yahoo! Messenger because I got bored with TV shows and that I couldn't sleep. Just seconds after I clicked on the 'Available' button (since I do sign in as 'Invisible') a message window instantly popped up.
"Ooh Mr. Acosta is here ;))" Bianca said.
"Hi :-D"
"How are you?"
"Uhhh, screwed for life. You?"
"Screwed since a second ago."
"Why?"
"Because you said you're screwed for life."
I guarantee you those were the very words. It was only a 40-minute chat and all that time she was convincing me that I'm not a good-for-nothing person and that my parents weren't loathing me whatsoever. A pessimist I am, I argued that life's going to be wasted anytime soon. I told her that I've already lost everything the day before. I don't even know if my existence is going on a direction. I don't have anything more than that.
"But you have a friend that's bugging you right now and telling you not to give up because she believes in you."
Sweet. K. I was GG-fied yet again and I didn't know what to say but thanks. I knew I couldn't get myself to loving her any less because I just could not afford to.
"I told you," she continued, "You can't do anything. You're stuck with me. Sorry :-P"
The verdict was that we both believed there is goodness in this earth - she believes in mine; I believe in hers. Quits. Wait, what?!
It was pretty much casual talk when the chat crossed 20 minutes time but then she pitched in another GG line out of the blue.
"Haven't heard from you in a while. Hmmm."
"Why?"
"Don't get so depressed. There are so many beautiful things in this world."
"Indeed."
...
"Good thing I caught you online because I rarely get to afford the time," she said.
"I'm just a phone away."
She had to go in a little while so she already bid a good bye. She had to wake up early later that morning because she had to apply for her driver's license. But before we ended our conversation, we had these significant lines, I may say, that we traded with the winds of memory. I started out first.
"You're always convincing, Bianca. You can be in Ms. Universe."
"Nooo, I'm short."
"I'm not yet done. Ms Universe... Of my life."
"=))"
Fuck my ass. Now. That has to be the lamest line I could've said in my whole fucking life.
"I dont want to see you sad," I resumed.
"You want me to smile?"
"If I were a camera, I'm sure you'd always be smiling. That's why your smile is stored in my brain."
":)) Anyway, before I go, smile for me."
I did. It could've been more romantic if I had tears flowing down from my eyes, but no.
Life is one big fucking argument. Mike Acosta is a big fat argument. What do these have in common?
They're fucking dejected. That's cool, man.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Chapter 18: Coincidental Rendezvous
April 29, 2009, Wednesday - the day this chapter was made.
I returned to Ateneo to acquire my delayed transcript of records. The registrar's office told me last Friday that I could get my transcript by the following Monday since they'd be editing an entry on the printed copy that wasn't supposed to be there. However, their promise didn't seem to be coming any real than Edward Cullen so I tried to follow up the whole shit.
I arrived at 11:30 and passed by the cafeteria. I saw some of my ex-block mates there and I hung out with them for an hour, telling them the progress of my application in the University of the Philippines and how my life has been so far since I got kicked out. It was a good talk with the block guys and gals before I decided to pass by the AMP bench and see how the people there have been doing.
I had lunch with Brian, JP, and Ralph Aguinaldo (a different Ralph). Of course, I ordered my favorite Chicken Hainanese from Buddha Bean Cafe and sat down at the AMP bench with the AMP people. It was more or less a noise party and a happiness session, including a sexy time with JP as we always did, before I left and went to the registrar's office to comply with my agenda for the day.
Just when I was crossing the red brick road in front of the Rizal Library on my way to the SocSci building where the registrar's office is, I saw Vince carrying a load of books he just borrowed. Long time no see buddy! I asked him if he was free, and he was, so I hung out with him for almost an hour. I owed him too many stories that's why it took me that long to tell at least half of them - including the tale of Mike and Bianca.
Well of course I started out the conversation with the usual greetings, asking the latest happenings, good and bad shit, what life is so far, and so on and so forth. Eventually the conversation flowed into my goddamn story from the very beginning and Vince seemed to be taken away by the ups and downs of certain uncertainties I've encountered in my second semester at the Ateneo.
We had a name for it: BV.
I was able to get the two copies of the transcript of records I ordered after hanging out with Vince. I left Ateneo in a short while with Brian to go to UP and meet Chantal. I needed company to check on the processing of my application to the courses I've chosen. We went back to Katipunan in 30 minutes time and we ate at McDonald's.
As I was walking back to my table from the counter after having my second order, I saw Mikko on a table together with some of his friends. I dropped a hello and had a little talk with him about what's been going on with me lately.
When I was about to leave McDonald's I texted Mikko where he was and he said he'd be leaving more or less the time I'd be leaving the place.
The best part of the day is, I was able to hitch a ride to Marcos highway... Mikko's ride. It can't get any better than that.
Out of McDonald's I was and it was a rampant flow of stories out of my mouth. Mikko seemed to be enjoying my story as well but much better than Vince did. I told him everything I could, considering that Marcos highway isn't that far from Katipunan.
In the middle of the conversation, Mikko, while driving, suddenly slammed both of his hands into the steering wheel. Then, he looked at me with a serious face and then looked away again.
"Mike, damn, your whole story... It's just fucking beautiful."
We've been talking about first loves, but he kept his side in cover so I respected that because I knew he must be bearing some painful memory. It was only me telling my whole story then. And Mikko kept on stressing,
"Man, I didn't expect this. I still remember those days when we only had like two or three English classes and I was even doubting if you were serious with Bianca or not. Most times I saw you down dude, but still you're hanging on, and look at it now! You're on the way, Mike. The whole story's fucking beautiful."
Of all the words, he chose 'beautiful.' He could've opted to use 'awesome,' or even 'great,' or just 'cool,' but no. And when I looked at it, my story's a good one after all. It isn't all too cheesy or generic, nor out of the box or super special. It's simply beautiful. And It's what I've been thinking about for the past month. I mean, the whole second semester of my life was just epic and unforgettable.
But, what now?
I don't have any fucking idea.
Vince and Mikko in one single day - a coincidental rendezvous. It was something that was not part of the plan, but then, fate seemed to play on me.
Well it played on me from the very beginning.
I'll play along.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
I returned to Ateneo to acquire my delayed transcript of records. The registrar's office told me last Friday that I could get my transcript by the following Monday since they'd be editing an entry on the printed copy that wasn't supposed to be there. However, their promise didn't seem to be coming any real than Edward Cullen so I tried to follow up the whole shit.
I arrived at 11:30 and passed by the cafeteria. I saw some of my ex-block mates there and I hung out with them for an hour, telling them the progress of my application in the University of the Philippines and how my life has been so far since I got kicked out. It was a good talk with the block guys and gals before I decided to pass by the AMP bench and see how the people there have been doing.
I had lunch with Brian, JP, and Ralph Aguinaldo (a different Ralph). Of course, I ordered my favorite Chicken Hainanese from Buddha Bean Cafe and sat down at the AMP bench with the AMP people. It was more or less a noise party and a happiness session, including a sexy time with JP as we always did, before I left and went to the registrar's office to comply with my agenda for the day.
Just when I was crossing the red brick road in front of the Rizal Library on my way to the SocSci building where the registrar's office is, I saw Vince carrying a load of books he just borrowed. Long time no see buddy! I asked him if he was free, and he was, so I hung out with him for almost an hour. I owed him too many stories that's why it took me that long to tell at least half of them - including the tale of Mike and Bianca.
Well of course I started out the conversation with the usual greetings, asking the latest happenings, good and bad shit, what life is so far, and so on and so forth. Eventually the conversation flowed into my goddamn story from the very beginning and Vince seemed to be taken away by the ups and downs of certain uncertainties I've encountered in my second semester at the Ateneo.
We had a name for it: BV.
I was able to get the two copies of the transcript of records I ordered after hanging out with Vince. I left Ateneo in a short while with Brian to go to UP and meet Chantal. I needed company to check on the processing of my application to the courses I've chosen. We went back to Katipunan in 30 minutes time and we ate at McDonald's.
As I was walking back to my table from the counter after having my second order, I saw Mikko on a table together with some of his friends. I dropped a hello and had a little talk with him about what's been going on with me lately.
When I was about to leave McDonald's I texted Mikko where he was and he said he'd be leaving more or less the time I'd be leaving the place.
The best part of the day is, I was able to hitch a ride to Marcos highway... Mikko's ride. It can't get any better than that.
Out of McDonald's I was and it was a rampant flow of stories out of my mouth. Mikko seemed to be enjoying my story as well but much better than Vince did. I told him everything I could, considering that Marcos highway isn't that far from Katipunan.
In the middle of the conversation, Mikko, while driving, suddenly slammed both of his hands into the steering wheel. Then, he looked at me with a serious face and then looked away again.
"Mike, damn, your whole story... It's just fucking beautiful."
We've been talking about first loves, but he kept his side in cover so I respected that because I knew he must be bearing some painful memory. It was only me telling my whole story then. And Mikko kept on stressing,
"Man, I didn't expect this. I still remember those days when we only had like two or three English classes and I was even doubting if you were serious with Bianca or not. Most times I saw you down dude, but still you're hanging on, and look at it now! You're on the way, Mike. The whole story's fucking beautiful."
Of all the words, he chose 'beautiful.' He could've opted to use 'awesome,' or even 'great,' or just 'cool,' but no. And when I looked at it, my story's a good one after all. It isn't all too cheesy or generic, nor out of the box or super special. It's simply beautiful. And It's what I've been thinking about for the past month. I mean, the whole second semester of my life was just epic and unforgettable.
But, what now?
I don't have any fucking idea.
Vince and Mikko in one single day - a coincidental rendezvous. It was something that was not part of the plan, but then, fate seemed to play on me.
Well it played on me from the very beginning.
I'll play along.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Chapter 17: Chicken Hainanese
I had several Ateneo visits during the month of April because I kept on following up my transactions with the registrar's office and I have to say that their system is fail... Sort of. Good thing my Ateneo friends were always around whenever my situation ticks me off. I always had lunch with them at SOM Mall, a cafeteria a little walk from SEC walk where students could try out venturing into business by selling food.
Chicken Hainanese is a trip down memory lane.
I remembered the Friday of March 13, exactly a month after I gave Bianca her Valentine's package, when she invited me for lunch. I planned on bringing Kris and Jeimi along and we all ate out at the bleachers near SOM Mall. We reserved this specific spot under the shade of a tree where we can chill and hang out for lunch.
I met up with Jeimi first and then walked with her to Bellarmine Hall to meet up with Kris to wait for him to finish his history class. And then we were off to meet up with Bianca.
Of course I was always in the spirit of Christmas and so I asked Bianca to kindly sit down for a while so that I'd order 'my meal' (when in fact I was planning on ordering our meals). I lined up at the Buddha Bean Cafe and placed two orders of Chicken Hainanese Combo with Milk Tea. After 5 minutes of waiting in line I got our food and I sat down with her.
Chicken Hainanese is euphoria. Everytime I smell its invigorating aroma even if it's not around or not even close to my nose, I instantly get hungry. And when I get hungry I tend to think of Bianca.
"Seriously, I'm fat," she started when we were eating our Chicken Hainanese meals.
"Who told you?"
"Me."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am!"
"So, you're not believing me..."
"I believe you, but--"
"End of story."
That was why she did not finish up her meal. She told me she was getting too fat when she's not and that she was really really full with these,
Food log:
1/2 cup Rice
2 pcs. Fried Siomai
1 serving of Chicken Hainanese (approx. 200 g)
1 glass of Milk Tea
I was able to consume almost twice her 'maximum capacity' in 2 minutes that I could have another order down my stomach. Damn Chicken Hainanese, why does it have to be so tasty? Well, it's only enjoyable when you eat it with company - more enjoyable with Bianca of course. Not only did I enjoy smelling my goddamn favorite Buddha Bean Cafe value meal at the time, I also got to witness my one true love eat my most loved SOM Mall food. That's two loves for me.
And when I was watching her, I remembered the uncountable times we were together, or just the times where she was the spotlight of my attention..
There was our first English class for the second semester and as a tradition each of us has to introduce him or herself in front of the class and say something special or unique. My attention automatically focused on the petite girl who sat by the door whose name I didn't know yet.
"Good afternoon everyone! I'm Bianca and you can call me, uhm, Bianca hahaha, and I'm taking up Communications... Uhm, talents, hmmm... I sing... But only in the shower," she told the class with her killer GG smile. Why does it have to be so beautiful? I was mesmerized when Mrs. Oblepias suddenly cut in-
"You sing? Sample. Oh wait... You have to be naked when you do that. So I suppose you should sing only in the shower."
Everyone was laughing, but Bianca... She was paradise personified. Oh my fucking gahd she was really beautiful when she laughed that whenever the memory returns to me I could easily collapse any time.
I also remembered this one November rain. I was crossing the EDSA walk from Kostka hall because my history class just finished. I was hating the weather back then, but when I was about to turn towards the direction of Gonzaga hall I saw a familiar face walking up to me. It was Bianca. Well, she was looking away as I was approaching so I waved in a little 'hi' to spark a little chat. As far as I can remember, she was on a sleeveless and a skirt. Dropdead gorgeous if you ask me.
"Hey Bianca."
"Oh, hi Mike."
"Finished with the assigned readings for today's History graded recitation?"
"What!? No one told me there was a graded recitation!"
"Oh."
She raised her hardbound notebook and gently pushed me with it while laughing. I think she thought I was not serious. Well, I was. I just did not tell her I flunked my first fucking graded recitation for the semester. I bid her good luck though when we parted ways. It made my fucking day.
There's also a cute incident in my memory that so reminded me of her. It was our first Eastwood trip. Kris, Jeimi, and I were walking to her place, but when we were in front of her condominium already, she offered to walk us back. It sounded pointless so we asked why.
"I'm stronggg!" she responded with a soft laugh while flexing both her biceps. Fucking cute. Cute enough to melt my balls again and again, and again.
There's a much cute incident than that. It was February 27 and she was wearing the same attire she did on February 18 I think. It was an English class and each of us had to go up front and bring something that we're not, well, something that does not show our qualities and whatnot, and explain.
Bianca brought this bar of dark chocolate and explained she wasn't a dark chocolate simply because of her complexion. SORRYYYYYYYYYYY. I'm an Indio. At the end of her speech, she was already holding something supposedly she was and she said,
"I'm irresistible."
Holy virgins. Where in high heavens did that epic GG speech descended from?
It was March 20, Friday, and it was the last day of our English class for the whole semester. Shit. I'm going to miss the goddamn class, and I swear it was the most significant class I ever had. We were only tasked to drop by the classroom to submit our final requirement and check our class standings.
My final paper was all about Bianca. The final requirement was simply a storyboard about anything in your life, possibly a defining moment or something of the same banana. After I submitted mine, I waited for Bianca because she was just next in line. She had to leave immediately though to cram up for her Science orals. I remembered giving her ideas the night before so that she could construct more arguments for that orals.
5:30 pm when she passed by in front of the benches just outside the cafeteria. I was hanging out with Kris and Jeimi when we saw her and so we called her attention. She sat with us for not more than 5 minutes because her driver was already waiting at Xavier hall. I walked her there and we were both silent for some odd reason.
Actually, if I am to list down every event that both of us were in, it would require me to shit a load of a dump truck. It's a goddamn hell lot although I enjoy doing it mentally.
Doing it is much more enjoyable while having Chicken Hainanese with Milk Tea for lunch.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Chicken Hainanese is a trip down memory lane.
I remembered the Friday of March 13, exactly a month after I gave Bianca her Valentine's package, when she invited me for lunch. I planned on bringing Kris and Jeimi along and we all ate out at the bleachers near SOM Mall. We reserved this specific spot under the shade of a tree where we can chill and hang out for lunch.
I met up with Jeimi first and then walked with her to Bellarmine Hall to meet up with Kris to wait for him to finish his history class. And then we were off to meet up with Bianca.
Of course I was always in the spirit of Christmas and so I asked Bianca to kindly sit down for a while so that I'd order 'my meal' (when in fact I was planning on ordering our meals). I lined up at the Buddha Bean Cafe and placed two orders of Chicken Hainanese Combo with Milk Tea. After 5 minutes of waiting in line I got our food and I sat down with her.
Chicken Hainanese is euphoria. Everytime I smell its invigorating aroma even if it's not around or not even close to my nose, I instantly get hungry. And when I get hungry I tend to think of Bianca.
"Seriously, I'm fat," she started when we were eating our Chicken Hainanese meals.
"Who told you?"
"Me."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am!"
"So, you're not believing me..."
"I believe you, but--"
"End of story."
That was why she did not finish up her meal. She told me she was getting too fat when she's not and that she was really really full with these,
Food log:
1/2 cup Rice
2 pcs. Fried Siomai
1 serving of Chicken Hainanese (approx. 200 g)
1 glass of Milk Tea
I was able to consume almost twice her 'maximum capacity' in 2 minutes that I could have another order down my stomach. Damn Chicken Hainanese, why does it have to be so tasty? Well, it's only enjoyable when you eat it with company - more enjoyable with Bianca of course. Not only did I enjoy smelling my goddamn favorite Buddha Bean Cafe value meal at the time, I also got to witness my one true love eat my most loved SOM Mall food. That's two loves for me.
And when I was watching her, I remembered the uncountable times we were together, or just the times where she was the spotlight of my attention..
There was our first English class for the second semester and as a tradition each of us has to introduce him or herself in front of the class and say something special or unique. My attention automatically focused on the petite girl who sat by the door whose name I didn't know yet.
"Good afternoon everyone! I'm Bianca and you can call me, uhm, Bianca hahaha, and I'm taking up Communications... Uhm, talents, hmmm... I sing... But only in the shower," she told the class with her killer GG smile. Why does it have to be so beautiful? I was mesmerized when Mrs. Oblepias suddenly cut in-
"You sing? Sample. Oh wait... You have to be naked when you do that. So I suppose you should sing only in the shower."
Everyone was laughing, but Bianca... She was paradise personified. Oh my fucking gahd she was really beautiful when she laughed that whenever the memory returns to me I could easily collapse any time.
I also remembered this one November rain. I was crossing the EDSA walk from Kostka hall because my history class just finished. I was hating the weather back then, but when I was about to turn towards the direction of Gonzaga hall I saw a familiar face walking up to me. It was Bianca. Well, she was looking away as I was approaching so I waved in a little 'hi' to spark a little chat. As far as I can remember, she was on a sleeveless and a skirt. Dropdead gorgeous if you ask me.
"Hey Bianca."
"Oh, hi Mike."
"Finished with the assigned readings for today's History graded recitation?"
"What!? No one told me there was a graded recitation!"
"Oh."
She raised her hardbound notebook and gently pushed me with it while laughing. I think she thought I was not serious. Well, I was. I just did not tell her I flunked my first fucking graded recitation for the semester. I bid her good luck though when we parted ways. It made my fucking day.
There's also a cute incident in my memory that so reminded me of her. It was our first Eastwood trip. Kris, Jeimi, and I were walking to her place, but when we were in front of her condominium already, she offered to walk us back. It sounded pointless so we asked why.
"I'm stronggg!" she responded with a soft laugh while flexing both her biceps. Fucking cute. Cute enough to melt my balls again and again, and again.
There's a much cute incident than that. It was February 27 and she was wearing the same attire she did on February 18 I think. It was an English class and each of us had to go up front and bring something that we're not, well, something that does not show our qualities and whatnot, and explain.
Bianca brought this bar of dark chocolate and explained she wasn't a dark chocolate simply because of her complexion. SORRYYYYYYYYYYY. I'm an Indio. At the end of her speech, she was already holding something supposedly she was and she said,
"I'm irresistible."
Holy virgins. Where in high heavens did that epic GG speech descended from?
It was March 20, Friday, and it was the last day of our English class for the whole semester. Shit. I'm going to miss the goddamn class, and I swear it was the most significant class I ever had. We were only tasked to drop by the classroom to submit our final requirement and check our class standings.
My final paper was all about Bianca. The final requirement was simply a storyboard about anything in your life, possibly a defining moment or something of the same banana. After I submitted mine, I waited for Bianca because she was just next in line. She had to leave immediately though to cram up for her Science orals. I remembered giving her ideas the night before so that she could construct more arguments for that orals.
5:30 pm when she passed by in front of the benches just outside the cafeteria. I was hanging out with Kris and Jeimi when we saw her and so we called her attention. She sat with us for not more than 5 minutes because her driver was already waiting at Xavier hall. I walked her there and we were both silent for some odd reason.
Actually, if I am to list down every event that both of us were in, it would require me to shit a load of a dump truck. It's a goddamn hell lot although I enjoy doing it mentally.
Doing it is much more enjoyable while having Chicken Hainanese with Milk Tea for lunch.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Friday, April 17, 2009
Chapter 16: Labyrinth
I've been drinking until April 8. It was the holy week so I had to cut my happiness by Holy Wednesday. I haven't talked to Bianca since the Monday before and I was out of my balls and wits. That's when I realized I couldn't last any longer without her. But still, I stood my ground - arrogant I was, I wanted to see if she'd really talk to me first. I didn't know I was crucifying my fucking ass.
By the evening of the Maundy Thursday, 9th of April 2009, things were worse. It was Chantal's birthday that day and she was equally sad when I got to talk to her. She was emotional at that point in time so I felt like the whole world's fucking down. What next?
What next? - April 10, 2009. Friday. 11:02 pm.
I found myself in front of a Yahoo! Messenger chat window with a new message from Bianca Arcega. My status was 'DND' (Do Not Disturb, as you may all know) back then since I was writing this story in this blog site, but of course Bianca was an exception. The moment her message window popped up from my desktop screen,
"Busy on a holy week?" she asked.
Bloody heaven and hell that just purged my balls from sadness. OWEITJIOWJDGHIALVJSDJPSAJDNHFIHASLALDFAWFPLMCKBJJKDKSBI. I tried to be as composed as possible and it took me thirty painstaking seconds before I was able to reply.
"Uhh kinda." I didn't tell her I was writing this story. "The stat's DND by the way because I'm hiding from someone," I continued.
She asked me to update her. I gladly did as was evident from my Message Archive. We've been chatting, and sharing, and bonding, and fishing. Yes. Girls fish without them knowing it, you know.
"Have you heard of my best pick-up line?" I asked her.
"Try me."
"Actually I don't have one since you're not here by my side... You bring out the best in me," Fucking retarded and lame.
"Mine's better."
"Oh, go ahead."
"Do you know who the second most handsome guy is here on earth?"
"Who?"
"You... Do you know who the most handsome is?"
"Who?"
"You... When you smile."
I fucking smiled the moment I read the message. She got me there. That was fucking brilliant. She went on,
"You know, it's really better if you say it personally. You really see the person smile."
Ok so God drummed my balls and I was defeated in the battle of pick-up lines. We've delved on cheesier stuff as the talk went on though. I missed her company, really, that was why I took the opportunity and maximized every second of the Y!M conversation as I eagerly responded to every message of hers.
"I can imagine, you're red right now," she told me.
"Me? No. Maybe kilig... Kidding. Haha." Kilig is that sudden rush when one is immediately placed in a situation that's all too romantic or whatever of the same shit.
"Really? As in no tingy feeling?" she pressed on.
"Well, it happens when I pee... Specifically when I'm almost done."
":-| Too much info, Mike."
The conversation crossed over midnight as always. She opened a little about her previous crush, which definitely saddened her yet again, and I wasn't able to alter the course of the talk as soon as possible. So I just told her about my plans of shifting to the University of the Philippines to change the topic.
"If you're in UP already, you might forget us..." she told me.
"What!? Why?"
"For some reason. :))"
"Give me a specific reason."
"I don't know. Haha. Anything can happen."
"What could that 'anything' be?"
"New friends? New life? I don't know."
"New love?" I pitched in. "Nah, it won't happen. It'd always be you."
"Haha don't say that. :-P"
"Why?"
"Simply because anything can happen."
"I won't forget about you. You'll know why, soon. :->"
"What's behind that smug?"
"Surprise, surprise, expect one from the clown."
What she didn't know at that time was that this story I've been writing was the surprise. This would always remind me of her, and in turn, remind her of me. I moved the drama aside though since the following messages after those were pretty much comedic and entertaining. Eventually, we've been answering Facebook quizzes at the same time.
"Hey, I just answered this 'What kind of Atenean chick do you like?' Facebook quiz," I told her.
":))"
"Result: BIANCA... BIANCA ARCEGA."
"WEH! There's nothing of the like!" That was a cute of her.
My dear Facebook... If it wasn't for that social networking site I would not have gotten the chance to apply for Bianca Online Communications and take up the course BA Love. I assume you know what BA stands for by the way.
"OMG what's this!?" she messaged me after a short while.
"Why, what's up?"
"I answered this 'What kind of guys do you attract?' quiz and the result is: Creeper!"
The Facebook Quiz said something like this:
creepers=Girl! You are just too nice, and your helpfulness is misunderstood as being interested. He is usually an older, oily man who, at the first sign of attention from anyone, misconstrues it as love. Get them away by not being nice to whoever you meet! However, if you like them... then just stay on the course and they will keep coming to/after you.
"So I'm a creeper, huh?"
"HAHA!"
The conversation still went on until 1:40 am and that's when her DSL fucked up. It was the last time I talked to her over Yahoo! Messenger. Good Friday was over when I slept that morning. Welcome to the Black Saturday, Mike.
After the holy week, I've arranged my school shit. I did all of these on the Monday after Easter Sunday - I followed up my order for my transcript of records and transfer credentials (which I paid back just the Holy Monday) and I acquired an application form from UP with the aid of Chantal. The following days, I've been hanging around Ateneo since people were already having their summer classes and I wanted to see them around.
Bianca didn't have summer classes.
The Friday of that week, Chantal asked Rups to go to TechnoHub and eat at Flapjacks. Rups of course hired me for reasons only the two of us knew. And for 'success' purposes I dragged Kris along. I bribed him of the One-Peso Pancake offer/promo of Flapjacks.
It was 2 pm. The three of us came at Flapjacks first and we were already having our meals and bottomless iced teas. Chantal caught up in 30 minutes time and Rups was happy. Well I think Chantal was happier. I don't know.
That afternoon, I realized that I haven't talked to Bianca for a week. Well I'm conscious that I haven't been communicating with her lately because I wanted to - I wanted to distance myself from her and see what life would be if there was no Bianca - I survived, well in a poor state of survival though - and I haven't noticed that it was already a goddamn week's time. Shit.
So Chantal bought me a Sun Cellular sim card for me to be able to easily converge with Bianca's Sun Cellular line. It was 3 pm when I texted her,
"Hi Bianca. How much would the ransom be if I kidnap you? - Kidnapper."
She didn't reply. I texted her the same message, but still, there was no reply. I changed my mind and blowed up the cover of the anonymous cellphone number,
"Kidding! Mike here :D"
There was an immediate response, a seriously immediate text message, to my inbox.
"Crazy! Haha! There's no ransom if you kidnap me :-P"
JOPEGHEOFJEOHFIEOAWFLAPMLCEKHGFEILGHL.
That Friday evening I was drinking with a few high school classmates and Chantal at Richie's place. I think I've been calling Bianca every 30 minutes because I was fly and high. I couldn't remember well what we've been talking over the phone until 2 or 3 am in the morning, until I was on my way home, and eventually, home.
But I'm certain of one thing: I told her I love her.
Life was a labyrinth. I didn't know where my heart and my mind were going. I didn't know where my mortality was walking into, or where my soul was dwelling into. But still, there was no way out of my masterful, shitful situation.
No fucking way out... But Bianca.
Gotta love life's labyrinths.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
By the evening of the Maundy Thursday, 9th of April 2009, things were worse. It was Chantal's birthday that day and she was equally sad when I got to talk to her. She was emotional at that point in time so I felt like the whole world's fucking down. What next?
What next? - April 10, 2009. Friday. 11:02 pm.
I found myself in front of a Yahoo! Messenger chat window with a new message from Bianca Arcega. My status was 'DND' (Do Not Disturb, as you may all know) back then since I was writing this story in this blog site, but of course Bianca was an exception. The moment her message window popped up from my desktop screen,
"Busy on a holy week?" she asked.
Bloody heaven and hell that just purged my balls from sadness. OWEITJIOWJDGHIALVJSDJPSAJDNHFIHASLALDFAWFPLMCKBJJKDKSBI. I tried to be as composed as possible and it took me thirty painstaking seconds before I was able to reply.
"Uhh kinda." I didn't tell her I was writing this story. "The stat's DND by the way because I'm hiding from someone," I continued.
She asked me to update her. I gladly did as was evident from my Message Archive. We've been chatting, and sharing, and bonding, and fishing. Yes. Girls fish without them knowing it, you know.
"Have you heard of my best pick-up line?" I asked her.
"Try me."
"Actually I don't have one since you're not here by my side... You bring out the best in me," Fucking retarded and lame.
"Mine's better."
"Oh, go ahead."
"Do you know who the second most handsome guy is here on earth?"
"Who?"
"You... Do you know who the most handsome is?"
"Who?"
"You... When you smile."
I fucking smiled the moment I read the message. She got me there. That was fucking brilliant. She went on,
"You know, it's really better if you say it personally. You really see the person smile."
Ok so God drummed my balls and I was defeated in the battle of pick-up lines. We've delved on cheesier stuff as the talk went on though. I missed her company, really, that was why I took the opportunity and maximized every second of the Y!M conversation as I eagerly responded to every message of hers.
"I can imagine, you're red right now," she told me.
"Me? No. Maybe kilig... Kidding. Haha." Kilig is that sudden rush when one is immediately placed in a situation that's all too romantic or whatever of the same shit.
"Really? As in no tingy feeling?" she pressed on.
"Well, it happens when I pee... Specifically when I'm almost done."
":-| Too much info, Mike."
The conversation crossed over midnight as always. She opened a little about her previous crush, which definitely saddened her yet again, and I wasn't able to alter the course of the talk as soon as possible. So I just told her about my plans of shifting to the University of the Philippines to change the topic.
"If you're in UP already, you might forget us..." she told me.
"What!? Why?"
"For some reason. :))"
"Give me a specific reason."
"I don't know. Haha. Anything can happen."
"What could that 'anything' be?"
"New friends? New life? I don't know."
"New love?" I pitched in. "Nah, it won't happen. It'd always be you."
"Haha don't say that. :-P"
"Why?"
"Simply because anything can happen."
"I won't forget about you. You'll know why, soon. :->"
"What's behind that smug?"
"Surprise, surprise, expect one from the clown."
What she didn't know at that time was that this story I've been writing was the surprise. This would always remind me of her, and in turn, remind her of me. I moved the drama aside though since the following messages after those were pretty much comedic and entertaining. Eventually, we've been answering Facebook quizzes at the same time.
"Hey, I just answered this 'What kind of Atenean chick do you like?' Facebook quiz," I told her.
":))"
"Result: BIANCA... BIANCA ARCEGA."
"WEH! There's nothing of the like!" That was a cute of her.
My dear Facebook... If it wasn't for that social networking site I would not have gotten the chance to apply for Bianca Online Communications and take up the course BA Love. I assume you know what BA stands for by the way.
"OMG what's this!?" she messaged me after a short while.
"Why, what's up?"
"I answered this 'What kind of guys do you attract?' quiz and the result is: Creeper!"
The Facebook Quiz said something like this:
creepers=Girl! You are just too nice, and your helpfulness is misunderstood as being interested. He is usually an older, oily man who, at the first sign of attention from anyone, misconstrues it as love. Get them away by not being nice to whoever you meet! However, if you like them... then just stay on the course and they will keep coming to/after you.
"So I'm a creeper, huh?"
"HAHA!"
The conversation still went on until 1:40 am and that's when her DSL fucked up. It was the last time I talked to her over Yahoo! Messenger. Good Friday was over when I slept that morning. Welcome to the Black Saturday, Mike.
After the holy week, I've arranged my school shit. I did all of these on the Monday after Easter Sunday - I followed up my order for my transcript of records and transfer credentials (which I paid back just the Holy Monday) and I acquired an application form from UP with the aid of Chantal. The following days, I've been hanging around Ateneo since people were already having their summer classes and I wanted to see them around.
Bianca didn't have summer classes.
The Friday of that week, Chantal asked Rups to go to TechnoHub and eat at Flapjacks. Rups of course hired me for reasons only the two of us knew. And for 'success' purposes I dragged Kris along. I bribed him of the One-Peso Pancake offer/promo of Flapjacks.
It was 2 pm. The three of us came at Flapjacks first and we were already having our meals and bottomless iced teas. Chantal caught up in 30 minutes time and Rups was happy. Well I think Chantal was happier. I don't know.
That afternoon, I realized that I haven't talked to Bianca for a week. Well I'm conscious that I haven't been communicating with her lately because I wanted to - I wanted to distance myself from her and see what life would be if there was no Bianca - I survived, well in a poor state of survival though - and I haven't noticed that it was already a goddamn week's time. Shit.
So Chantal bought me a Sun Cellular sim card for me to be able to easily converge with Bianca's Sun Cellular line. It was 3 pm when I texted her,
"Hi Bianca. How much would the ransom be if I kidnap you? - Kidnapper."
She didn't reply. I texted her the same message, but still, there was no reply. I changed my mind and blowed up the cover of the anonymous cellphone number,
"Kidding! Mike here :D"
There was an immediate response, a seriously immediate text message, to my inbox.
"Crazy! Haha! There's no ransom if you kidnap me :-P"
JOPEGHEOFJEOHFIEOAWFLAPMLCEKHGFEILGHL.
That Friday evening I was drinking with a few high school classmates and Chantal at Richie's place. I think I've been calling Bianca every 30 minutes because I was fly and high. I couldn't remember well what we've been talking over the phone until 2 or 3 am in the morning, until I was on my way home, and eventually, home.
But I'm certain of one thing: I told her I love her.
Life was a labyrinth. I didn't know where my heart and my mind were going. I didn't know where my mortality was walking into, or where my soul was dwelling into. But still, there was no way out of my masterful, shitful situation.
No fucking way out... But Bianca.
Gotta love life's labyrinths.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Chapter 15: Mathematics 69 And 0
Wait, I almost flunked Algebra and I've flunked Calculus before. What do I know about Math then? I'm not a Math whiz to tell the truth. But I have a fair share of epiphanies that made me appreciate Mathematics all the more.
Anyway, I have done several calculations and taken numerous steps to prove if X raised to 69 existed, and it's driving me nuts. Seriously, Einstein nor Newton nor Leibnitz wouldn't do such a thing. An asshole I am though, I tried to see some aspects of life in a Mathematical perspective.
Ma69 is a Mathematics course that will never be taken in any university because it is inexistent, or in technical terms, oblique.
Why?
The number 69, when written with mortal hands, produce two imperfect digits that form a perfect number. How does that happen?
69 is the number of love. Don't get me wrong. 69 is the perfect number that would exemplify what love is. Each digit is a reciprocation of the other, just like man and woman. Each digit fills the emptiness of the other, or that each digit would satisfy what the other needs - a perfect compliment to one another which totally binds a partnership altogether, making the two digits inseparable, and thus called a 'number.'
A number is a relationship in itself. Each number has a certain value: the more it moves away from 0 in the number line towards infinity, the greater is its appraisal value - as best exemplified by money and property. This is how everything is quantified and valued. Love however is infinite in value and thus can never be measured and quantified by any means.
This is the focal point of doing the course Mathematics 69. It is the effort of trying to grasp certain subjects and ideas that could not be systematically explained in any manner nor perfectly organized and well-delivered in any speech - and in this particular case, love.
Mathematics 69 is stupidity. There are no materials needed in this course but your heart. There are no equations needed but a number, 69.
Love is oblique, indeterminate and undefined, but it exists - which all in all transgresses the ideals of Mathematics.
Ideals?
Love is more than those. Love is unpredictable even with the aid of mathematical computations, graphs and projections. Love has no pattern, no percentage, no numerator nor denominator, no common factor, no divisor, no dividend, and no formula. Love has no derivatives and anti-derivatives, it has no roots and squares, and has no functions.
It has a solution though.
There's just you and your partner. The rest is history. That's the solution - and yes, it is indefinite.
In short, love is Bianca.
You didn't see that coming, did you? That Bianca line was the first thought that entered my mind when I was about to start this chapter. I just had to develop it creatively. So you may ask,where did that fucking idea come from?
From my heart. Ok that was random.
Unfortunately, Math has no heart. It does not give you the understanding, rather, it would require you to max out your understanding to comprehend its fundamental and core knowledge. It is very much possible to grasp the beauty and meaning of Math but it takes great effort.
But Bianca?
Well, from a guy's point of view, women can never be understood. You'll just have to accept, appreciate, and love them. That's the end of it, else you'll get your curious nose right under the boots of trouble. Women are the hardest to understand on this earth and it takes great perseverance to last the ordeal. That's a perk of taking the course Mathematics 69.1 - understanding the digit 6 and the digit 9, or the other way around.
Unfortunately too, the realities of Mathematics 69 just don't apply if the number 69 isn't put into real life action. Think of it this way: the number 69 wouldn't be easy. It will never exist until a relationship is a two-way one. A one-way relationship is futile, or in simple terms, stupid, since it would not be love at all. And lastly, it would not really be a 69.
Unfortunately too for that matter, the ideal ugliness of the situation will not apply to me. I don't really care to whatever may happen. All I know is that I'm sure of what I am feeling and I am definitely going for it.
But, there's a harder Mathematics course than Mathematics 69. It is Mathematics 0. It is the Math of understanding one's self, which is completely impossible. The self can never be understood. That's a law and a truth, a reality.
Mathematics 0 is one big problem. There are three variables: your mortal body, your incapable thinking, and your temporal existence.
Basically, the problem gives you a piece of shit, which is you, from the three given variables. Now, the challenge in solving this hard-level problem is knowing how to make the given shit significant.
Solution:
1.) The mortal body is bound by time. It may be exterminated and extinguished in the course of,
2.) Its existence - which binds the edge of its mortality to the scythe of death, that is why,
3.) The weak thinking keeps on boggling itself what to do in the expanse of its history on this,
4.) Temporal salvation. This state requires human will to push through a nirvana in order to,
5.) Redeem itself and free itself from the bounds of mortality and reality.
Final answer:
'Shit.'
The given shit has no real value. However, that shit is given value by another. Each piece of shit is valuable after all.
Mathematics 0 is life. Life is one big hole. Fuck it. Nah, I'm just confused as of this time. I just didn't know what to do.
Enough of Math. What's with it?
I owe Math a big deal. When I flunked my Mathematics 19 (Calculus) during the second semester of my freshman year, I was really fucked up because I had to take the goddamn subject again for the first semester of my sophomore year. Through this, I had several of my core subjects and my individual program of study delayed.
And through this, I had my English 12 course delayed.
And through this, I met Bianca.
No fucking regrets for me. Math my ass. Even the greatest of Mathematicians won't be able to calculate the direction of my goddamn lucky fate.
Still, fuck Math. It does not have the solutions for everything.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Anyway, I have done several calculations and taken numerous steps to prove if X raised to 69 existed, and it's driving me nuts. Seriously, Einstein nor Newton nor Leibnitz wouldn't do such a thing. An asshole I am though, I tried to see some aspects of life in a Mathematical perspective.
Ma69 is a Mathematics course that will never be taken in any university because it is inexistent, or in technical terms, oblique.
Why?
The number 69, when written with mortal hands, produce two imperfect digits that form a perfect number. How does that happen?
69 is the number of love. Don't get me wrong. 69 is the perfect number that would exemplify what love is. Each digit is a reciprocation of the other, just like man and woman. Each digit fills the emptiness of the other, or that each digit would satisfy what the other needs - a perfect compliment to one another which totally binds a partnership altogether, making the two digits inseparable, and thus called a 'number.'
A number is a relationship in itself. Each number has a certain value: the more it moves away from 0 in the number line towards infinity, the greater is its appraisal value - as best exemplified by money and property. This is how everything is quantified and valued. Love however is infinite in value and thus can never be measured and quantified by any means.
This is the focal point of doing the course Mathematics 69. It is the effort of trying to grasp certain subjects and ideas that could not be systematically explained in any manner nor perfectly organized and well-delivered in any speech - and in this particular case, love.
Mathematics 69 is stupidity. There are no materials needed in this course but your heart. There are no equations needed but a number, 69.
Love is oblique, indeterminate and undefined, but it exists - which all in all transgresses the ideals of Mathematics.
Ideals?
Love is more than those. Love is unpredictable even with the aid of mathematical computations, graphs and projections. Love has no pattern, no percentage, no numerator nor denominator, no common factor, no divisor, no dividend, and no formula. Love has no derivatives and anti-derivatives, it has no roots and squares, and has no functions.
It has a solution though.
There's just you and your partner. The rest is history. That's the solution - and yes, it is indefinite.
In short, love is Bianca.
You didn't see that coming, did you? That Bianca line was the first thought that entered my mind when I was about to start this chapter. I just had to develop it creatively. So you may ask,where did that fucking idea come from?
From my heart. Ok that was random.
Unfortunately, Math has no heart. It does not give you the understanding, rather, it would require you to max out your understanding to comprehend its fundamental and core knowledge. It is very much possible to grasp the beauty and meaning of Math but it takes great effort.
But Bianca?
Well, from a guy's point of view, women can never be understood. You'll just have to accept, appreciate, and love them. That's the end of it, else you'll get your curious nose right under the boots of trouble. Women are the hardest to understand on this earth and it takes great perseverance to last the ordeal. That's a perk of taking the course Mathematics 69.1 - understanding the digit 6 and the digit 9, or the other way around.
Unfortunately too, the realities of Mathematics 69 just don't apply if the number 69 isn't put into real life action. Think of it this way: the number 69 wouldn't be easy. It will never exist until a relationship is a two-way one. A one-way relationship is futile, or in simple terms, stupid, since it would not be love at all. And lastly, it would not really be a 69.
Unfortunately too for that matter, the ideal ugliness of the situation will not apply to me. I don't really care to whatever may happen. All I know is that I'm sure of what I am feeling and I am definitely going for it.
But, there's a harder Mathematics course than Mathematics 69. It is Mathematics 0. It is the Math of understanding one's self, which is completely impossible. The self can never be understood. That's a law and a truth, a reality.
Mathematics 0 is one big problem. There are three variables: your mortal body, your incapable thinking, and your temporal existence.
Basically, the problem gives you a piece of shit, which is you, from the three given variables. Now, the challenge in solving this hard-level problem is knowing how to make the given shit significant.
Solution:
1.) The mortal body is bound by time. It may be exterminated and extinguished in the course of,
2.) Its existence - which binds the edge of its mortality to the scythe of death, that is why,
3.) The weak thinking keeps on boggling itself what to do in the expanse of its history on this,
4.) Temporal salvation. This state requires human will to push through a nirvana in order to,
5.) Redeem itself and free itself from the bounds of mortality and reality.
Final answer:
'Shit.'
The given shit has no real value. However, that shit is given value by another. Each piece of shit is valuable after all.
Mathematics 0 is life. Life is one big hole. Fuck it. Nah, I'm just confused as of this time. I just didn't know what to do.
Enough of Math. What's with it?
I owe Math a big deal. When I flunked my Mathematics 19 (Calculus) during the second semester of my freshman year, I was really fucked up because I had to take the goddamn subject again for the first semester of my sophomore year. Through this, I had several of my core subjects and my individual program of study delayed.
And through this, I had my English 12 course delayed.
And through this, I met Bianca.
No fucking regrets for me. Math my ass. Even the greatest of Mathematicians won't be able to calculate the direction of my goddamn lucky fate.
Still, fuck Math. It does not have the solutions for everything.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
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