Well hello again avid followers. Here I have published a short piece of a shit which I'm trying to sell you as a story entitled "Light to a Firefly." I hope it doesn't sound fucking emo because it isn't. And I hope that you'd enjoy this one (certainly you would in postmodern circumstances and context). This is quite short - you can finish this thing in 10 minutes. It contains six insignificant chapters that I hope you'd draw insensible ideologies from.
I didn't intend to publicize bullshit here. I wrote a long story because it is just a series of blogs I cohesively pieced together to form one that would be much more complete and practical rather than doing multiple entries that don't deliver the complete idea I'd want my readers to see. Also, I recommend that you read Story 2: The Devil Lock first before this one because this is logically a sequel, so as you know.
Lastly, I am not a lunatic. Good luck and have fun reading.
List of Chapters:
Chapter 1: Coulrophobia
Chapter 2: Grand Conjuration
Chapter 3: Killing Floor
Chapter 4: Under The Stars
Chapter 5: Immaculate Conception
Chapter 6: Embers
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Chapter 6: Embers
For the past six months I have continually devastated myself with thoughts which never cease in yielding catastrophic results. For example, there are days that I normally consume 3 to 5 packs of cigarettes. Imagine one pack in one sitting. And smoking comes in as more enjoyable when you're drinking. You don't feel the heat and roughness in your throat. Add to that my adjusted alcohol tolerance of 2 beer buckets and still not drunk - that is human development, my dear friends.
In the efforts of minimizing my alcohol intake I tried to save up for microphones but I ended up saving more drinking money for Fridays (since I drink everyday for the previous semester). And when I eventually ran out of immediate cash at hand, chain smoking became my new found buddy buddy. I mean, Marlboro does a good job on making you high with nicotine and at the same time completely puts your voice in chaos after 100 sticks in less than 24 hours.
Well of course, to put my budget in equilibrium, I seldom eat with the excuse that I'm broke of course, but in truth I spend all my money for 3-5 packs of cigarettes each morning and I save up like 60-80 pesos for two bottles of beer during evenings. I don't do drugs though.
Now that my efforts of stopping these habits are futile, I realized that a greater effort I've exerted way beforehand was much more futile - which is trying to stop depression. I realized that doing so is apeshit. You're like a piece of a stinking dog poop right next to a tsunami and the next moment you're fucking converted to rancid gorilla urine. That's how helpless I was. I wouldn't spill the details in here though because it's just gay. Moreover, I'd rather have you, my readers, ask me personally, and perhaps you can treat me with a drink or something. I'm thanking you in advance as you're reading this so while I'm still alive you better give me that cigarette stick and beer bottle. We may not be enjoying the same scene tomorrow.
And whenever we're in that classic scene of smoking and drinking on some corner of a resto or bar, I'd tell you all the wonderful memories I've had with a very special person to me, because honestly, I so miss all of those. What was hard for me was when I saw that very relationship I worked hard for and invested so much time into falter in front of my very eyes, of which I didn't have any fucking idea WHY, leaving me nothing but hopelessness. I mean, I can't do anything about it while it's crashing down into a million pieces and all the happiness it contained dissipated into nothingness.
Of course I picked up every single piece with my broken hands wondering where have I gone wrong, yet some parts were missing, or there were some regions of that relationship that I couldn't put back into place. Also, that relationship may not be working for me but I don't really care. I just want it back to the state when I was still cherishing it: nothing more, nothing less. That's all that I've asked from God.
God.
HAHA. March 25, 2009. I told Him that I wasn't loving somebody for the sake of having a partner, or more temporally to fulfill my own satisfaction which is selfish happiness. I told Him that I loved somebody for that someone's happiness which I hope I was able to attain even just for the slightest time. Despite being gay, I lived to this principle up until now. I content myself with simple joys. Nothing comes greater than that but her happiness.
I live like this every single day ever since the grand conjuration. I am still haunted by the question "What did I do for everything to end up this way?" like a fucking son of a clown. I see no way out that's why I'm proclaiming such helplessness here in virtual reality while escaping my reality in the process. I'd appreciate it if you don't concern yourself with me 'cause I'm just fine, still breathing, still existing - so no worries for that. I'll keep my worrying to myself and I'd like it to be that way. Mind you, I'd rather have you guys take the chill life. I have my cig and my alcohol to spend my time with anyway and that is more than enough to entertain me for the rest of my days aside from writing. My silent days in Kalayaan College are quite over because my happiness has been distorted to something indecipherable.
And you know what, I found the most sensible thing on earth a while ago.
I'd start shutting up.
-----
Good bye and Merry Christmas, Bianca.
-----
[END]
In the efforts of minimizing my alcohol intake I tried to save up for microphones but I ended up saving more drinking money for Fridays (since I drink everyday for the previous semester). And when I eventually ran out of immediate cash at hand, chain smoking became my new found buddy buddy. I mean, Marlboro does a good job on making you high with nicotine and at the same time completely puts your voice in chaos after 100 sticks in less than 24 hours.
Well of course, to put my budget in equilibrium, I seldom eat with the excuse that I'm broke of course, but in truth I spend all my money for 3-5 packs of cigarettes each morning and I save up like 60-80 pesos for two bottles of beer during evenings. I don't do drugs though.
Now that my efforts of stopping these habits are futile, I realized that a greater effort I've exerted way beforehand was much more futile - which is trying to stop depression. I realized that doing so is apeshit. You're like a piece of a stinking dog poop right next to a tsunami and the next moment you're fucking converted to rancid gorilla urine. That's how helpless I was. I wouldn't spill the details in here though because it's just gay. Moreover, I'd rather have you, my readers, ask me personally, and perhaps you can treat me with a drink or something. I'm thanking you in advance as you're reading this so while I'm still alive you better give me that cigarette stick and beer bottle. We may not be enjoying the same scene tomorrow.
And whenever we're in that classic scene of smoking and drinking on some corner of a resto or bar, I'd tell you all the wonderful memories I've had with a very special person to me, because honestly, I so miss all of those. What was hard for me was when I saw that very relationship I worked hard for and invested so much time into falter in front of my very eyes, of which I didn't have any fucking idea WHY, leaving me nothing but hopelessness. I mean, I can't do anything about it while it's crashing down into a million pieces and all the happiness it contained dissipated into nothingness.
Of course I picked up every single piece with my broken hands wondering where have I gone wrong, yet some parts were missing, or there were some regions of that relationship that I couldn't put back into place. Also, that relationship may not be working for me but I don't really care. I just want it back to the state when I was still cherishing it: nothing more, nothing less. That's all that I've asked from God.
God.
HAHA. March 25, 2009. I told Him that I wasn't loving somebody for the sake of having a partner, or more temporally to fulfill my own satisfaction which is selfish happiness. I told Him that I loved somebody for that someone's happiness which I hope I was able to attain even just for the slightest time. Despite being gay, I lived to this principle up until now. I content myself with simple joys. Nothing comes greater than that but her happiness.
I live like this every single day ever since the grand conjuration. I am still haunted by the question "What did I do for everything to end up this way?" like a fucking son of a clown. I see no way out that's why I'm proclaiming such helplessness here in virtual reality while escaping my reality in the process. I'd appreciate it if you don't concern yourself with me 'cause I'm just fine, still breathing, still existing - so no worries for that. I'll keep my worrying to myself and I'd like it to be that way. Mind you, I'd rather have you guys take the chill life. I have my cig and my alcohol to spend my time with anyway and that is more than enough to entertain me for the rest of my days aside from writing. My silent days in Kalayaan College are quite over because my happiness has been distorted to something indecipherable.
And you know what, I found the most sensible thing on earth a while ago.
I'd start shutting up.
-----
Good bye and Merry Christmas, Bianca.
-----
[END]
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Chapter 5: Immaculate Conception
December 8, 2009.
I skipped every first half of my classes because my teacher doesn't seem to amuse me like she did the previous semester - the points she raise throughout every session were recurring. I did nothing more than light cigs and play pusoy dos every single time I'm out of the classroom and I think this'll probably explain why my eating habits are fucking weird.
Around 3 pm, I was torn between going home or going to my second home. Katipunan, that is. When I boarded the train I chose the latter option and in 20 minutes time I found myself walking on that very familiar path. I went straight to Ateneo to hang out at the aMp bench, which I always do everytime I'm at the campus, and found Brian, Daniel, Joe and Nica. I had to sit with them since I decided to have dinner with Ian and I had nothing else to do. Playing at Him5 doesn't seem to be a very good option for a broke man.
At 5:30 pm, with Joe and Nica headed home, Brian and Daniel wanted to eat already and they specifically chose my all-time favorite food chain McDonald's. I kept them company and we walked all the way to McDo. Seeing the closest table to the entrance vacant, the two immediately took the seats and went to the counter for food while I finished my second pack for the day. Mind you, I'm trying to kill my addiction.
When we were all seated, the two scumbags were smiling at me in a very irritating way. I asked,
"What's up?"
":)"
"Putangina ano nga?" (Motherbitch what's up)
"Why is life so randooom?" Daniel told me, with Brian following up with the same words in a sort of a hum,
"Liiife is sooo randooom..."
I so wanted to fuck the shit out of these idiots until they told me Bianca was around. I asked again,
"No, seriously?"
"YES."
GG. I panicked of course. I didn't know what to do. Should I display myself sitting in the most obvious seat there and say hello to her? Or should I run with my balls away? Or should I pretend to be asleep with my eyes open? There were literally a million questions rushing through my head that I spent more than 20 minutes thinking of senseless things until I saw Bianca from a distance. At first I was speechless - and then stupefied - and then knocked out. She instantly recognized me and smiled, and then waved a hello at me.
I have never seen that smile for the longest time. I mean, the last time I saw her she never displayed that epic thing on her face. And now she did! But of course, after all the troubles that happened within the past months of which I kept most only to myself, I couldn't display a proper reaction. I tried to smile. I hope I did looked like smiling as she passed by. As she went to her car though, I told the two rancid monkeys in front of me that I have to leave for Slice 'N Dice in a short while.
Well I did in a few seconds basically because - here comes the best gay part of the story - I was manufacturing gay tears. I was walking away with a cigarette stick in my lips trying to gain composure especially in a public place. I succeeded just before I met up with Ian a short walk from McDo.
I had dinner with the guy. And since I haven't told him anything about my life since June, I updated him with utmost detail which sort of made me happy because I didn't know I was capable of spilling out happy events that happened in the previous quarter of the year. After that we went home; well, he drove me home because we were neighbors.
Bianca just conceived a wonderful smile which confused me: are we in good terms again/already? What did her smile mean? Or furthermore, are things back to the way they were?
The only immaculate thing from all this confusion is nothing.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
I skipped every first half of my classes because my teacher doesn't seem to amuse me like she did the previous semester - the points she raise throughout every session were recurring. I did nothing more than light cigs and play pusoy dos every single time I'm out of the classroom and I think this'll probably explain why my eating habits are fucking weird.
Around 3 pm, I was torn between going home or going to my second home. Katipunan, that is. When I boarded the train I chose the latter option and in 20 minutes time I found myself walking on that very familiar path. I went straight to Ateneo to hang out at the aMp bench, which I always do everytime I'm at the campus, and found Brian, Daniel, Joe and Nica. I had to sit with them since I decided to have dinner with Ian and I had nothing else to do. Playing at Him5 doesn't seem to be a very good option for a broke man.
At 5:30 pm, with Joe and Nica headed home, Brian and Daniel wanted to eat already and they specifically chose my all-time favorite food chain McDonald's. I kept them company and we walked all the way to McDo. Seeing the closest table to the entrance vacant, the two immediately took the seats and went to the counter for food while I finished my second pack for the day. Mind you, I'm trying to kill my addiction.
When we were all seated, the two scumbags were smiling at me in a very irritating way. I asked,
"What's up?"
":)"
"Putangina ano nga?" (Motherbitch what's up)
"Why is life so randooom?" Daniel told me, with Brian following up with the same words in a sort of a hum,
"Liiife is sooo randooom..."
I so wanted to fuck the shit out of these idiots until they told me Bianca was around. I asked again,
"No, seriously?"
"YES."
GG. I panicked of course. I didn't know what to do. Should I display myself sitting in the most obvious seat there and say hello to her? Or should I run with my balls away? Or should I pretend to be asleep with my eyes open? There were literally a million questions rushing through my head that I spent more than 20 minutes thinking of senseless things until I saw Bianca from a distance. At first I was speechless - and then stupefied - and then knocked out. She instantly recognized me and smiled, and then waved a hello at me.
I have never seen that smile for the longest time. I mean, the last time I saw her she never displayed that epic thing on her face. And now she did! But of course, after all the troubles that happened within the past months of which I kept most only to myself, I couldn't display a proper reaction. I tried to smile. I hope I did looked like smiling as she passed by. As she went to her car though, I told the two rancid monkeys in front of me that I have to leave for Slice 'N Dice in a short while.
Well I did in a few seconds basically because - here comes the best gay part of the story - I was manufacturing gay tears. I was walking away with a cigarette stick in my lips trying to gain composure especially in a public place. I succeeded just before I met up with Ian a short walk from McDo.
I had dinner with the guy. And since I haven't told him anything about my life since June, I updated him with utmost detail which sort of made me happy because I didn't know I was capable of spilling out happy events that happened in the previous quarter of the year. After that we went home; well, he drove me home because we were neighbors.
Bianca just conceived a wonderful smile which confused me: are we in good terms again/already? What did her smile mean? Or furthermore, are things back to the way they were?
The only immaculate thing from all this confusion is nothing.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
Friday, December 4, 2009
Chapter 4: Under The Stars
I made this chapter the same day after I came home from Katipunan. There was this event there called "Under the Stars." But because I was unable to meet with friends due to unexplainable circumstances (including waiting for Brian for more than an hour and he still didn't show up), I went to McDonald's instead and had dinner alone. And as I was finishing up my cheeseburger, I remembered this incident about a year ago.
It was Under the Stars 2008. I didn't have any goddamn idea that there was such happening in school (when I was still in the Ateneo) until Ian, a friend and a neighbor, told me through a text message that Bianca was there.
"Dude, do you know about Under the Stars?"
"Wtf is that?" I asnwered, thinking it was some chick flick film or a gay-ass book.
"It's this event at the SOM field and it's happening NOW."
"So?"
"Bianca's there."
I was shocked of course because I didn't have any single idea that an event was happening at school and I was at home playing my all-time favorite DotA. That's stalking fail number 1. I immediately replied and asked Ian what Under the Stars was all about. Well, he didn't explain much.
"Uhhh you star gaze I think? With a date..."
"Who is she with?!"
"She won't tell."
"CONVINCE, DUDE."
"Nah, good luck with that."
"Come on man. We're friends. Besides, I thought you were my wingman?"
"It isn't a big deal, really. Relax. And good luck!"
Damn Ian. I lost my DotA game, and more than that, I lost another opportunity. You know, I can't miss chances like these. But I couldn't do anything anyway at that time so I just played more games all throughout the night so as to take my mind off things.
And back to the present, as I was finishing up my hot fudge sundae, I kept on missing her every second. Perhaps I even looked like a little idiot at McDo, sitting with nobody but my classical guitar my dad gave me three years ago. Of course I'll be suffering the same ordeal for the whole evening so I decided to go home immediately. I took a cab just outside and as I was on the road home, I remembered the night of the 30th of January - I was on the very same scene, looking at the sky which almost seemed starless, hoping that Bianca was enjoying the same perspective.
Optimism aside, everything else is bullshit. Life in general is. May we be under the stars, the deep black sky, the rain, the rays of the sun, the hands of fate, the eyes of the gods, or whatever - we suffer. We are powerless against ourselves and our own fate.
Under the stars is not the best place to be; 6 feet under is the best way out, with much sarcasm.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
It was Under the Stars 2008. I didn't have any goddamn idea that there was such happening in school (when I was still in the Ateneo) until Ian, a friend and a neighbor, told me through a text message that Bianca was there.
"Dude, do you know about Under the Stars?"
"Wtf is that?" I asnwered, thinking it was some chick flick film or a gay-ass book.
"It's this event at the SOM field and it's happening NOW."
"So?"
"Bianca's there."
I was shocked of course because I didn't have any single idea that an event was happening at school and I was at home playing my all-time favorite DotA. That's stalking fail number 1. I immediately replied and asked Ian what Under the Stars was all about. Well, he didn't explain much.
"Uhhh you star gaze I think? With a date..."
"Who is she with?!"
"She won't tell."
"CONVINCE, DUDE."
"Nah, good luck with that."
"Come on man. We're friends. Besides, I thought you were my wingman?"
"It isn't a big deal, really. Relax. And good luck!"
Damn Ian. I lost my DotA game, and more than that, I lost another opportunity. You know, I can't miss chances like these. But I couldn't do anything anyway at that time so I just played more games all throughout the night so as to take my mind off things.
And back to the present, as I was finishing up my hot fudge sundae, I kept on missing her every second. Perhaps I even looked like a little idiot at McDo, sitting with nobody but my classical guitar my dad gave me three years ago. Of course I'll be suffering the same ordeal for the whole evening so I decided to go home immediately. I took a cab just outside and as I was on the road home, I remembered the night of the 30th of January - I was on the very same scene, looking at the sky which almost seemed starless, hoping that Bianca was enjoying the same perspective.
Optimism aside, everything else is bullshit. Life in general is. May we be under the stars, the deep black sky, the rain, the rays of the sun, the hands of fate, the eyes of the gods, or whatever - we suffer. We are powerless against ourselves and our own fate.
Under the stars is not the best place to be; 6 feet under is the best way out, with much sarcasm.
-----
[Click to go to the next chapter]
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